A hmph date turned into Universe aided accidental stalking of another guy

OK. This is going to be rather… Interesting on several levels. This is more me trying to figure out what is happening in this point of the development of my spirit, and those of you who can relate, do pick it up, the rest of you, just have a laugh at my expense if you like.

A couple of days ago I met this guy on OKCupid. Yeah. I still do that, those who can’t, teach, right? No honestly, where my soulmate relationships are at the moment means that I am… LOOKING for them, I know who I am looking for, and some of them I know but can’t contact for thousands of different reasons such as servers breaking at the attempt of trying to send them email. (Not quite that bad, but let me tell you there is a block surrounding them – and that’s a good thing too, because as time goes on it has become quite clear why I wasn’t supposed to get through to them at this time. Email does not get delivered, phones are answered by someone else… That I don’t want to talk to even in the case the number still belongs to them, etc. I live in an isolation bubble from my True Emotion Mirrors . I knew I’d be meeting one of them in June, and I said to myself that two things may happen: Either he will walk around me like I wasn’t there, or he will come directly to me to have a talk. He walked around me like I was on fire, and for all social decorum, he SHOULD HAVE given me a hug. He did not even look at me!) So I know from experience that at this time, the better the match, the less they notice I exist. So ok. Here’s what happened:

I had a date with this guy with whom I hit it off INSTANTLY online. He used the perfect perverted sentences like he read my mind. Granted, he had read my blog but he GOT IT, he knew exactly what I was talking about, sexually speaking. I see him, and it’s an instant… Yeah no. I’ve had the same thing happen to me a million times; I can describe a client’s boyfriend who I have never met to a letter during a tarot reading, but I cannot pick up the energy of the guy I am meeting online, without picking up on the energy of one of my missing True Emotion Mirrors . So even though I can see how this guy would be the same guy and how he would be in his authentic, confident state, I’m like… Not going to be training a guy for myself. I love coaching people in this, of course, but not with the goal of turning them into my own lovers. That goes against everything I am, and it is not an ideal I have decided to live up to, it is simply a severe dislike of the very thought of doing that. (I wish I could dig out the inner cougar, my love life would be soooo blooming, but cannot. I love my men ready made, and hate giving them instructions. I don’t even mean it by age, I just like my men self-confident and full, and hate the dominant/mothering role that so many men put me into straight away, without thinking, sometimes even when they are older than me, admitting of course that I do not go along with plans I don’t want to go along with, even if I did want them to take charge – but as always, sub/dom thing is really about the dom being able to read the sub to the last detail, and when they fail… They fail.)

So. I meet this guy and although he was a nice guy and not bad looking, the energies between us were SO OFF you couldn’t get me more off if you would have tried. Normally I do humor them a bit, but this time I didn’t want to even fake interest, which was awkward as I had shared my.. ehm rape fantasies with him, and told him blatantly that I don’t want to have to encourage him. XD I was laughing inside thinking wow if he was at all more threatening I would be in serious trouble, and was thinking that maybe he will snap in the head just now and grant me my freaking wish, and there’d be fuck all I could do about it, really. 😀 But if I am good at something, I am great at dodging unwanted sexual attention, and I do it so well, so efficiently, that I can take back the dirtiest of talk prior to a date… And there was a lot to take back, especially as I was wearing the closest thing to his fetishes I could find in my otherwise black wardrobe… I trust the word “sheer” will suffice, although it wasn’t nearly sheer enough.

Prior to the date, I was thinking that hey, I do have an active ugly fetish, so if he turns out to be completely terrible looking, I’ll simply turn on my ugly fetish and go play. No. He was not ugly, not at all, even if he wasn’t my type at all.

So, I tell him straight that I’m going to friend zone him straight away, and partly due to the discussion I was having in my head with my spirits, and partly because I was telling him he’s not my type, this beautiful guy walks past the window with an Asian girl. To make my point, and just because I found it hilarious that someone like that would walk past me AT THAT MOMENT, I point him out to him: “He’s my type.” “A hippy.” He replies. “Well, sorta.” I replied, not bothering to explain the details: Smart, (intellectual,) spiritual, beautiful… Ignoring the fact that he seemed too light-spiritual, too Earth-conscious to me, most likely, still not trusting the fact that everything in this Universe is perfectly aligned, all aspects of it are exactly where they should be, and that we never lost the Paradise at all, and the only thing that stops us from seeing it is being stuck in light and ignoring the darkness like it was “bad” somehow. Balance, people, balance. Balance is never achieved by standing in one end of the seesaw.

So the two disappear somewhere, and a part of me wants to run after him and find a way to catch his attention, but I don’t. We finish our drinks and walk out to end the date. The two, although originally going to the opposite direction, catch us at the first lights. A beautiful, beautiful man. We walk at the same pace for a couple of blocks, until my date turns to his car and I keep walking towards my ex-husband-current-best-friend-flatty’s gym located above a pub. I’m thinking to either grab the car keys from him or simply sit with him for a moment before getting back to town, all dressed up and all. So I wind up at the pub downstairs. I get myself comfortable at the window, check my phone, answer tons of OKC messages and look out the window. He’s sitting right in front of me with his friend. (I think they were friends rather than something else.) I think he caught me staring at him once, and I’m just laughing at the whole thing. He is be-au-ti-ful! You know, Rollo from the Vikings… A little less viking and a lot more hippy, but he looks more like Rollo than the actor who plays him. 😀 (I looove Rollo.) Anyway.

So I am contemplating the possibility of catching him somehow, and I write him a message that I plan to slip to him walking past his table to the car, something cute, no numbers or anything, I simply didn’t want to interrupt their conversation or start pushing it. So I write a note in my notebook that I took out as my phone battery died; “Stay beautiful.” Signed Sebastyne, thinking that maybe, if he, after all, did notice or would be interested, maybe he’d google me, perhaps, but not to push it, right? If he wasn’t interested, he would simply read the note and hopefully have a little smile about it.

I get up, and at that same fucking moment they get up to leave! 😀 I’m like OH FUCK ME, because I don’t know whether or not they see me through the window, but I decide to go back upstairs and forget about this whole thing.

So I do. I sit up there for a bit, at my ex’s office, as he’s running a class and I hear this voice inside my head telling me to go back down because he simply walked his companion home and would be sitting at the window alone. I told myself that I would beat myself up over it forever if I didn’t go check (plenty of times I’ve ignored the voice and lived to regret it after having the same voice run me all over town chasing shadows so I learned to not trust it too much) so I go back down, and, there he is, alone, at the window, writing. I plan on taking the same seat that I had before, but it was taken, so the only place I could rally fit into, being alllll too obvious, was right next to him. So to diminish the obviousness of it, I told him I hadn’t been stalking him, laughing about having seen him like five times in a couple of hours, but I don’t think he remembered having seen me once. OK, awkward.

About 40 minutes later I started thinking about leaving, when, without a phone, I guestimated my ex was about done at work even though he hadn’t appeared outside to take his A-frame sign in yet – I suppose I could have asked him for the time but I simply didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but… I COULD NOT LET IT GO, now could I?! So him looking like he was ALSO about to leave like a freaking Atomic Clock was timing it, I wrote a new note for him; “I wasn’t stalking, but I sure was looking, stay beautiful.” He looked confused as anything, and he was just trying to make out what I wrote (and I did my best to write legibly) as I collected my stuff and left. He was still looking as he was reading it as I passed the window to go to the car… He did not look up, not with a question, not with a smile, and I swear the text wasn’t that bad! XD

The moral of the story…

I wish I knew. :p No, I have a few things to say about it.

Since I am searching for my True Emotion Mirrors in the flesh, I take this as a sign: “Soon.” and “Don’t worry, we can time things to the second. You do not have to do anything to find them, you will be shown to them when it is time.” Also, it was, probably, a test on whether or not I would go back again. NORMALLY I would not have gone back, but this time, I did, simply by forcing myself to NOT talk myself out of hoping for something. To dare to hope for a good, fun outcome, especially after a bad day/date, it is quite a task for me. I can be so easily discouraged and disappointed and… what not, that I have had to make a conscious effort to NOT give up when there is clearly one more chance… Handed out on a plate! Talking myself out of things has cost me a lot of good things in life, many lost opportunities, so at least I managed to resist the urge of simply walking away and wasting my time sitting alone somewhere. And knowing that my True Emotion Mirrors are the kind of guys who you need to be able to catch when you can, I cannot be second guessing myself when I see them. Granted, a lot of the second guessing, in this case, was from the feeling that he was not really what I was looking for, but it is a common reaction to a True Emotion Mirror (too); You start convincing yourself that “after all, he wasn’t that amazing… If you think about it… Really, I could just walk away now, save myself the embarrassment and disappointment…”

So.. Whatever. It was fun in a way, and when he gets the 3rd opinion on what on earth does this note say?! I hope he has a good laugh about it and feels beautiful, because he was.

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