A narcissist may actually feel all the gratitude that they display on their social media even though their lives are pretty ordinary.

You know the narcissistic social media post, don’t you? “I have such a rich life; I’m blessed.” “I am so grateful of all these wonderful friends I’ve got…” “Life, perfect!” To a normal person, their level of gratitude seems absolutely mental. Cannot be real. We scoff at them when we see their very ordinary life with fake friends surrounding them left and right. We see the shallowness of their existence, their grabbing external things and then boasting about it all in social media and wherever they can.

We think there’s something wrong with them, and kinda there is, but yet there isn’t. This is a reaction to possibly spending several lifetimes as a social outcast and then finally being “let in the castle again.” They are grateful they are finally admitted amongst “real people” or “the good people” but they are not asking for much. They feel grateful for even the tiniest gestures of kindness because they authentically feel unworthy of them, like beggars for any acknowledgment as a fellow member of society.

Don’t feel too sorry for them because their ego, idea of self, is fragile.

Before you rush to feed them like they were a hungry lost puppy, remember the rules of refeeding. If you give them too much, too soon, they will break. Their mind will break. They will turn into a sociopath so easy it’s not even funny. They’ll easily believe their luck to have turned completely and that now it’s their time to shine – and to abuse and use.

Little goes a long way with them. VERY little. Greet them on the street. Take a selfie with them if you’re famous. Shake hands with them like all the rest of the people in the same line or queue. Don’t treat them any better or any worse than you would treat any other person of their connection to you. If they’re an acquaintance, don’t treat them in a special way, but be quick to put them back in their place if they overstep. They don’t know the social rules quite the same way others do, so they are likely to try to get too much because they don’t really know where to stop.

Treat them like a puppy dog. Firmly but kindly.

They also can have rewards and punishments sort of mixed up. Kind of like make you pay for having shown them kindness – it’s a long story. The logic is very convoluted, but let’s just say that they don’t understand your perspective, so they think that everyone is after social uplift and that everyone, if they show even the slightest sign of being anti-social or recluse, they believe that they’re a social outcast. They don’t believe anyone would voluntarily spend time on their own. Therefore, they may attempt to help you in ways you can’t see as help.

A sharp: “Quit it” will be effective. Imagine the tone of voice that you’d use to train that puppy you rescued from the side of the road. You have to train the puppy to observe societal norms. Sometimes, you’ll have to explain things like you’d explain to a child. Kindly, but definitely firmly. If you are angry with them, it’s not the time to speak to them, unfortunately. You may want to rip their head off (I sure as hell do) but you have to cool off and NOT think of them in the same terms as you think of other, rational adults, but rather like a dog born in human form uncertain of all social rules, making innocent mistakes wherever they go.

Do not give into requests that are beyond what you can give.

They’ll take anything. A selfie. An invitation to a garden party even if you tell them they cannot enter your house during that garden party. (I mean, if it’s a garden party, often the guests treat the house as nothing but a maintenance building, anyway, so you duck in and duck right out, but a narcissist may not be aware of this unwritten rule.)

So what you may consider rudeness, to a narcissist is actually a relief. You tell them the rules, the parameters: “you will get THIS for THAT.” “You will lose this for that.” If they fail, and beg for a new chance, you’ll give them a lesser reward for a lesser challenge. “OK, let’s see if you can manage this, as obviously the previous challenge proved too much for your IQ: ” Then give them the new social challenge.

Do I treat people this way, you might wonder…?

Not yet, but I will teach myself. (It’s going to feel so fucking weird…)

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