A narcissist will try to make any relationship LOOK LIKE a True Emotion Mirror or Precious Soulmate relationship, and thinks everyone else does the same.
A narcissist is a person who fears strangers and life itself to their very core. They don’t trust anybody; their life is about survival and finding shelter. They do this by lifting their status by any means they can. One of the ways they can do this is to obtain a partner who loves them. And they will NEVER understand why someone would want a love affair for any other reason or that there is another reason for one… Ironically, EVEN if they are in love with their partner.
Narcissists** hide their true feelings – even love when they’re already committed.
To a narcissist, it is imperative to hide true feelings at all costs, ALL THE TIME. Normal people do that sometimes, but “normal” does not mean “perfectly healthy and balanced” but simply within that normal, median range. Therefore, if a narcissist is falling in love, they will try to hide it; they’ll argue, belittle, snarl… Because their love makes them weak and vulnerable. They can be harmed if even their partner knows they are in love with them. They can be in love with someone and fear that person – perhaps more than anybody else in the world.
We all recognize being vulnerable with a person we’re in love with. This makes us hide our feelings, fearing rejection. Still, we know there are people you can be in a relationship with and not be afraid – not because you trust them, but because you know them leaving you won’t affect you that much emotionally. They don’t (yet) have the power to break your heart. And yes, normal people – those who are normal but not perfect – do that all the time. They are “being realistic.” They “give it a chance,” often against their better knowledge. (And we should stop doing that because, REALISTICALLY, people fall in love all the time. Fact.)
Emotions are to a narcissist like a book is to an illiterate person.
A narcissist doesn’t fully understand emotions. They feel it, but they don’t truly know what any of them mean, I don’t think. It’s like their brain isn’t wired to interpret the emotion it’s a bug report they don’t know the meaning of, a book to an illiterate. This makes them act on impulses. They are LARGELY controlled by their emotions, without being aware of what any of it means. They cannot change their own coding as they can’t read it.
A normally empathic person not only understands their own emotions but also those of others. (You could make this into a dating game: “Tell me what I’m feeling,” when you’re feeling something strong. If they cannot, they’re likely a narcissist or at least incompatible. That also works for bringing someone out of their own self-consciousness.) To a narcissist, it is impossible to understand another person’s feelings – they don’t understand those of their own!
A narcissist fears emotion because they cannot control theirs.
It is not that a narcissist cannot feel everything we all do. The problem is that they cannot comprehend the meaning of their emotion or value them correctly. Survival comes first, even when survival isn’t in danger. Their danger response his through the roof. As a result, they are also instinctively selfish. They see someone they want, and they don’t have a stop-mechanism to consider the other person’s needs. Their want trumps everything else.
What CAN put a pause on that is social scorn; for instance; we do not like rapists. So the literal act of rape is a no-go, but acting possessively may still be OK in the mind of a male narcissist. For a woman, there’s hardly any pause in either, except that we expect women to not be rapist.
Narcissists**’ self-confidence comes from emotional illiteracy.
A narcissist navigates life based on how things look on the outside. They count on everyone seeing life the same way. They may even feel “smart” and competent by “SEEING” how things look to others on the surface or how it could look to others in the surface. Narcissists** believe people who act on emotions are insane or blind. The way they see it is a bit like what dancing looks like to a deaf person. Therefore, they are more than happy to take a strong guiding position to people who they feel are “doing funny things” or “unaware of how it’ll look” and how “if we just stick together, we can look great!” Like that deaf person, who thinks everybody is deaf, would be worried to see their friends dancing.
To a narcissist, normal emotions are about as much spiritual fiction as me hearing people’s souls when they’re not even here is to most of you.
What narcissists do not see, is that others TYPICALLY CAN see when the emotions are not there, and when the whole thing is just an act. That said, there are couples that sell it perfectly, or, shall I say, there are couples quite perfectly directed by the narcissistic partner… But if you notice something like “they’re always together, but I can’t FEEL their love,” that’s a red flag. When people are TRULY in love, we ALL CAN FEEL their emotions. We truly can. With ease. I bet you can name a few couples like that – albeit, sadly, it’s very rare to find.
A narcissist will read a True Emotion Mirror description as a template to act out with a chosen other.
A narcissist will never truly understand any of my Personality Mirror Soulmate Typology. But the way they will attempt to use it – should they see it – is an advanced guide to what they should force others to pretend to feel for maximum “happiness” as in “look good to others.” They see it as a script to a play, albeit a funny one. They don’t quite understand where all of these ideas come from, but if people accept them (and they won’t want them to as it’s all too weird) they feel they’ll have to go along with it.
The way they probably start seeing things is that OK, if you can leave a partner for “a True Emotion Mirror” as in a person who behaves in a certain way, acts the part right, then, one must up their game to match. Therefore, to protect our true relationships, we must know to recognize narcissism for what it is, and probably find them a role to play that they can understand and feel secure in doing. I haven’t got that role yet, but I’m afraid we love love so much, those who have found it, that finding something that will make a person MORE SAFE without it might be a difficult task to do.
But one thing is for sure, narcissists are always better off with other narcissist, it’s just that they don’t know how to push buttons of a person who ALSO THINKS emotions are not real.
Narcissists** can’t control other narcissists, because their emotions are… jumbled text.
There is one thing to say for narcissists. They act on their true emotions a lot, impulsively at that, so they go for what they like and want and who they like and want. It’s just that they have learned to push certain buttons in others effectively, but they have no idea WHY they work. It’s like you using your laptop. You know what happens when you push certain buttons, but the vast majority of us have a very weak knowledge of how exactly does any of that work. You may have been instructed to use the laptop, so you know which buttons to push.
That’s also how narcissists learn to use people. They read relationship guides thinking “oh that should work” they try it and find a way that it works. It works because behaviour SHOULD be based on natural feelings, and a narcissist thinks they should make it look like it did. The rest of us tend to react to it as if it was, because we feel moved by another person’s love and needs.
That said narcissists find it harder to control another narcissist because another narcissist also doesn’t read emotion or know what to do with the display of one.
A narcissist counts on you to “figure out” what people want to see… Like your life was a movie.
I believe a narcissist learns how things are done by watching movies and reading fiction. They assume that is the gold standard. That is how we ACTUALLY DO THINGS. Therefore, they can truly make a life LOOK like a fairytale.
They will count on everyone else being a narcissist too, willing to live out movies. They count on you wanting to make yourself look “right,” like a hero or a heroine in a movie.
Narcissists** think you want to star in Brady Bunch more than you want to star a porn movie, because they don’t put porn in prime time. They think you want it to appear that your family is perfect, strong in their alliance, and you’ve got these things called “friends” even if you weren’t all that impressed by the way they’ve treated you in the past. They count on your “forgiveness” which should follow certain actions, display of the emotion called “regret,” or the series of actions called “regret.” Still, narcissists rarely understand after regret follows a change, and that’s where their act falls apart again. But another narcissist cannot react to regret or apologies, which, they correctly identify as manipulation… When it comes from another narcissist.
And what might be the more coveted partner than a professional actor…
A narcissist believes “love” means accepting to play a certain role in their life.
So a narcissist sees relationships much like movie roles that need casting. If they don’t have a spouse, they believe the role must be cast to someone by a certain timeframe so they don’t look “incapable” or just oddly… Non-performing actress or an actor. They feel it is their societal duty to perform these roles, without understanding WHY that is an expectation. (The reason why it seems like an expectation is because people enjoy feeling love, so they’re HOPING you’ll fall in love and find happiness for yourself.)
A narcissist will put pressure on another person to fall in line of a certain relationship template. If that person agrees to play it, they believe that’s “love.” That’s the closest thing to it to them. “To agree to play the expected role with me. You make me look like I haven’t failed society’s expectations.” They are TRYING to do the right thing, they just don’t understand why it is the “right thing.”
A narcissist cannot predict the outcome to their behavior when it requires emotional logic.
A narcissist cannot measure the impact of their words and actions correctly. They don’t know when they hurt your feelings or ego. Ironically, they don’t truly FEEL their own ego, even though they act solely in preserving theirs. They only feel a sense of community and how they should be a part of this machine without really understanding the logic behind that expectation.
However, in their personal relationships, they can be very selfish, impulse-driven, and cruel. They do not predict the impact of their actions in that moment very well, and they certainly cannot predict the impact of their actions down the line.
A narcissist is constantly worried about being “found out,” but they don’t know what they’re hiding.
Imagine not being able to understand emotions, and people’s actions following emotion you don’t understand. You only know, by experience, that eventually someone is going to call them “a narcissist” or “selfish” or “a manipulator” or something to the effect, and you don’t truly know why. Therefore, they’re constantly afraid of an unpredictable danger of being found out, but they don’t know what it is that people find out about them (this time) or how they conclude there’s something wrong with them and WHAT it might be that is wrong with them.
Also, their conclusion of what it is that people judge them on is typically incorrect.
It might be good that the feminists get their way and direct narcissists to technical and non-sexual community support roles.
Narcissists** are manipulatable by a display of “expectation.” Therefore, if we put romance and sex into the same category as XXX-rated movies, and hide those things away a little, narcissists would not be quite as tempted to pretend to be a romantic hero. Maybe the loss of glamour in heterosexual relationships will actually be the salvation of them. When we are no longer supporting “family values” as the only way to get to politics… If I’m being REALLY cynical, I might say it might be good trans-ideology is everywhere… If you catch my meaning. Yet, having said that, it’s not their fault. They’re not EVIL per se. They’re emotionally handicapped. They don’t have a choice but to fake things to the best of their ability.
Now, we should just decide what it is that we actually want them to do, and stop putting pressure on young kids to act on their sexuality, as much as the rest of us enjoy it. Luckily “sexuality” is now just a hair color. 😀
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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