A True Emotion Mirror runner’s perspective compared to Enigma Runner

I think there are some people (plural) who think I am their True Emotion Mirror / Twin Flame (depending on their background) runner. Now, for those of you who understand the concept, what I’m talking about here is partly a result of people who don’t have Twin Flames, trying to wrap their minds around what they are. Still, there’s a lot of confusion about it in the “Twin Flame community” as well, so some of this might be accurate.

Okay, so, first of all, I disagree with some of the points in the Twin Flame concept to begin with. This is due to many accounts from people who are CLEARLY talking about a Twin Flame, but who don’t fit into the narrow field of what a Twin Flame supposedly is.

This has given some spirits in my circles somewhat of a card blank to disagree on whatever the hell they want to disagree on, too, because they don’t like the limitations in the term, like the expectation of the connection to be mutual, for instance…

A bit of background?

I try to make this swift, but you all know when we get to talk about our Twin Flames, a 10 part novel is not quite enough. I’ll keep to the very minimum.

I’ve got REAL True Emotion Mirrors in the plural, yes. All of them are men. We are polyandrous and we are all, in spirit, in perfect harmony and understanding about it, and I am aware of it all in the physical level, too. Things we discuss in the spirit translate to the real world, to the effect of marriages breaking down as a result of our conversations. Still, for complicated reasons, we are still separated. SOME of those reasons are due to the fact there are some women who are convinced that THEY have EVERY RIGHT to be considered MY Twin Flame, too. (Not the men’s, but mine.)

Karmic Soulmate

I do not feel, at all, that these women are my True Emotion Mirrors . Nothing of the sort. I recognize a karmic soulmate bond, for sure. That, to them, means “oh so we’re just a step away from Twin Flames, then?” And I’m like… Uh… No.

Having said that, I am sure some of my ACTUAL True Emotion Mirrors think I’m a runner, too. So I’ll address that later for comparison.

Let’s just put it shortly as follows: I could return back to my karmic soulmates any time I wanted. Snap of my fingers. NO DRAMA. I have no intention of doing so because I don’t even LIKE THEM, let alone love them… And I’m more likely to murder them than to marry them. (Yes, they object, “we don’t think it’s ROMANTIC or SEXUAL!” which, obviously, makes it a non-Twin Flame, at least traditionally, but they like to over-simplify things when it suits them.)

I cannot return to my actual True Emotion Mirrors because I’m stuck in a war with my Karmic ones. They are here to ensure my growth, yes, but that doesn’t make them MY FRIENDS, just the obstacle I have to clear in order to get to my True Emotion Mirrors . It is possible a part of their purpose is to help me troubleshoot the Personality Mirror Soulmate Typology, by clinging into all and any possible way to misconstrue and abuse it… By being perfectly real about it.

I feel angry ALL THE TIME

Imagine being surrounded by the most beautiful people you’ve ever imagined. Your beautiful of course. In my case, rockers and comedians, actors, writers… The sort. They’re creative, wonderful, imaginative. And I love them to the bone, and by a miracle, they still think I’m OK. 😉 They’re nice men, so they are not the slightest bit impressed by me fighting off my female karmic soulmates, as you know… Gentlemen don’t like women fighting. (Who does, it’s ugly as.) Still, they understand the necessity of it in this case. War is never beautiful, but sometimes it’s necessary – and it’s better the war is verbal and done in spirit rather than out in the open where everyone can see this ugly thing play out… As many of my True Emotion Mirrors are insanely famous, that fight would also be insanely public.

On the other hand, I have spirits who insist upon insisting that I should be AT AWE at the fact they love me. They LOVE ME SO, that I should just feel blessed about THEIR LOVE, in comparison to the love of my True Emotion Mirrors … Now… These women… Not pretty. Not smart. Not spiritual. Not fun or comedic. Creative only in the homeware sort of way. The kind of Instagram influencer -IQ level. You know the type, minus the looks. I am straight. They… are not so much. So. They have NOTHING TO ADD, but plenty to take.

Excuses for pathological chasing

Now, imagine a group of people with NOTHING TO OFFER are trying to push a wedge in between you and everything you want, and CLAIM it is so “you’ll stay humble” or “modest”, and “not sexual”. For your own good, right? They BELIEVE they are “on my side” fighting for my UNDYING FUCKING SOUL, that is being tempted “to the dark side”. You’d be angry, too – but that’s what demons do to people, right? When the “victim” can’t get “to the demons” they “anger”. (Fuckken convenient for people who want to excuse pathological chasing, tho.)

One thing I hate about the Twin Flame concept is that there are so many points to it that give pathological stalkers and chasers a number of excuses to ignore the fact they’ve actually been rejected and Twin Flames have nothing to do with it. I know a lot of real Twin Flames know this without having to think twice about what it is that I mean. Still there is a chunk of those women who view Twin Flame runners as men who are running “from their obligations” or “responsibilities”, which to me sound like absolute bullocks most of the time, at least. There’s like 1% of those people who are actually talking about a Twin Flame who got spooked to take a run… But for the most part, just women who refuse to accept they have been rejected and that’s all there is to it.

Light vs the dark

One could say there’s a fight between the lightworkers and the dark workers. Admittingly, whoever is trying to pull you away from people you authentically love turns fucken dark in no time. Then, your obsessive chaser tells you “it’s for your own good”. How condescending, right?

Like… You could say that when the Australian government decided to take the Aboriginal children away from their parents, they THOUGHT they were doing it for the best interest of the children. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would think that way now, but back then, it was a heroic thing to do. The rescue operation of an ENTIRE GENERATION of black children.

Are you angry?

Who was right?

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

In this case, it’s the demons vs angels -thinking that I’m talking about. And this light side sees heterosexuality as the direct enemy to “true love” that is far less sexual and far less scary in that sense. To me, True Emotion Mirrors are either purely spiritual and both in alignment in that spirit that never turns sexual, OR alternatively they are equally sexual and they are in alignment in that aspect. It CANNOT BE that one of them is “spiritual” as in “good” and the other one is “sexual” as in “bad”. No. It doesn’t work that way.

Lightworker inventions “for the good of the dark”

“The lightworkers” have invented many things to benefit the undying soul of the “dark folk”. Inquisitions. Lobotomies. Insane asylums. Drugs. Churches. Crosses. Stonings. Torture devices of numerous descriptions. And they call themselves “good”.

Now, I understand there is a difference between “lightworkers” and “Christians”, but you see my point? Needless to say, my family is Christian, and see my True Emotion Mirrors as demons. Periodically, they express astonishment at the fact my “demons” “act” so caring. “They seem to really love you” and I’m like “no shit?!”

Their condescending, patronizing attitude

They have this attitude that they can pick and choose whatever they like to justify their behavior. THEY are in the right, EVERYONE “knows” that. They can invalidate everything I say when they don’t like it, or use it to support their own agenda when it suits it. They can justify every amount of pain caused to you, “because it’s for your own good”.

Christianity has scared them from trusting anyone with a sign of “bad” in them. “The devil’s lure” is like… If someone who likes BDSM-related stuff (which we do), appears kind (which we are), to them, it’s a sign of “being deceptive”. When someone “sounds sensible”, they are warned from believing because “they are so charming and intelligent and deceptive”. “The devil is so crafty.” The devil or a psychopath, or a narcissist, they’re all the same to them. “They SPEAK LOGICALLY,” they say as if that was a bad thing. “They always have an answer!” as if having an answer meant you are lying all the way into it. “Always with the facts and figures”, as if they couldn’t be trusted. Essentially, if they don’t like the sound of it, they spew some very weird excuse as to why they don’t have to listen to that part of whatever they’re listening to.

They trust nothing but their own fears, and their fears lead them always to the same place. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Yet, they freak out at the smallest of signs of “not like us” and excuse their freaked out the behavior of everything and everyone not created with a cookie cutter.

The Bible repeats the words “fear not” 365 times, apparently. Yet, these people are GOVERNED by fear, to the point of paralysis. “Fear the Devil. Fear the narcissist. Fear psychopaths. Fear men who are nice to children. Fear people who are kind to you and flock to those who are mean and nasty, because they are honest.”

Charity and obligation love

In my past lives, I’ve been too easy to show love to people who are transitionary to me. This has made them think that this “love” was PERSONAL and aimed for making friends. Instead, it was to do a good thing for someone who needed it, but that’s not a reason for people of profound fear and selfishness driving them. My mother would freak out if some of the people she’s been charitable towards, would consider her as a personal, real friend, but doesn’t doubt, for a moment, that someone showing her kindness would be about pity or simply being civil.

At any rate, the connection was created through us living through Christian values. In people who are used to selfishness and fear, this was powerful enough to create a karmic bond spanning centuries. If you rarely receive kindness and compliments, you hang onto every nice gesture anyone has ever given you for a romance story of the century.

Imagine being Russell Brand in his next incarnation. Mothafucka he’s gonna suffer lest he does something about the bonds he’s created in this lifetime just being nice. (The dude’s a Brithish comedian who somehow turned into some kind of a modern-day Jesus and is guiding people to all things sensible now on his podcast.)

So that’s where those links come from.

Shall we contrast this with the REAL DEAL, the actual True Emotion Mirror  running?

Okay. The True Emotion Mirror running is slightly different in nature. First of all, there is FAR LESS anger and frustration, and if there is, it’s very different.

“Now I’ll talk,” says my True Emotion Mirror Toni. (Yeah, a dude, and he sorta insisted I use his name.) “Now, let’s talk about our trust issues… 😀” He jokes. “No, what I mean is that she doesn’t TRUST me. That’s what shits me the most. I’ll swear? OK?” He’s asking me. Half of my words here is some form of “fuck”. “I take that as a free speech mode.” He figures.

I’ll use italics to clarify it’s me.  I will actually talk about the … I’m not really the chaser, either, am I? We BOTH ran in our own way. In fact, that’s what she was trying to say, that we both freaked out and ran into ourselves, really, rather than away from the relationship but we simply didn’t put ourselves out there, we bailed on our own love.

He keeps saying I don’t trust HIM, but I do. I see it as I don’t trust myself to be loveable enough by someone of his caliber, as to me, he’s a god. Why should he love me, right? So when he says he doesn’t want me, I didn’t know how to just trust that he does and he’s just… playing games, right? Defend yourself, a.hole.

Gotcha, this is a-hole speaking, italics, please! Okay.. Despite joking, I’m actually kinda ashamed of myself, but to the defence of both of us, I must point out we were what, 21 and 22? 23? I think I was 23 by then.

Yes, 22 and 23 by calculus that I’m marvelous at. (Nope.)

Never trust a number she utters out. Hilarious. 😀 Still, that’s accurate, I think, nonetheless, we were too young to know how love … It takes a sucker punch and you don’t know what the hell hit you, that’s what it did. I was blind for about two weeks after that hit. No… Perhaps best stick with ACTUAL feelings.

So. I… So first of all, she was seeing my best friend. For what I knew, they’d gotten pretty serious pretty fast, and by the time I met her, SHE THOUGHT IT WAS TOO LATE. I know that sounds weird but I knew she thought we were finished before we started for some reason.

Friends don’t like to fuck their best friend’s ex-girlfriends, that’s what I thought… No matter how brief… By then, it was 2 weeks in, to be fair.

Oh, how wrong we were. We DO like to fuck our best friend’s girlfriends, for the record, nothing better. LOL (OMG it’s hard to stay serious because we’re humorist. :p) 

No, you’re just shit at this, but go on. :p

Oh I’m ruining her precious blog now! Fuck me. One wants to be kind. A good point, there, tho, I know I don’t talk like this in real life, in English. My expressions are somewhat an eclectic mix of the phrasings of our True Emotion Mirrors now

So, we were over before we began.

Yes. That’s what we both felt. Like two-year-olds having “serious relationships” that “cannot” be “broken” because, for the sake of the children, you know? Our new favorite saying “youth is wasted on the young.” So. I got canceled there like  Netflix show, I wanted to derail again. 😀 

So the point is that we took things so seriously back then, like it would have turned the world upside down if we would have swapped a girl in two weeks time, I mean, we just met and it was like a lightning. OK? The lady wants MY perspective. Lady!  I just cracked myself up. The lady is a tramp like a street dog! (Yes, I do love her, trust me!) 

No objections here. Lady is a lovely cocker spaniel who is like… So so precious. Loves spaghetti.

Yes. Yes. Truth. I do have trouble keeping to the topic.

Real feelings. For science. For the love of god, focus.

OK, what did I see when I saw her? Chronologically. I saw true beauty? Oh yes, at the beach! Because I REMEMBERED that was the first time I saw her, she only ever talks about the second time as if it was the first time… At the beach. True beauty, like glowing. The way you see it done in the movies, like a golden hue around her. I SAW THAT, DON”T DOUBT ME (intercepts), I truly did!

I didn’t know that.

Obviously not, we don’t talk, do we?

I’ve been begging for a half a word for 20 years. So no.

Touchy. Yeah I deserved that. She has TRIED to make me see the obviousness of this with actual WORDS, but I insist she has to come to me FROM AUSTRALIA and CONFESS TO LOVING ME, which is IDIOCY, I KNOW, because she has already done that IN WRITING< which TO ME means nothing… I want words, too, but SPOKEN, TO MY EARS. My ACTUAL FLESH AND BLOOD EARS, but I’m not willing to give her the same courtesy, because I see her as being the superior. Who feels like the superior. (I tried to turn up my nose the way I think she SHOULD be with that… PULL… The power she has on me, she should be smug and untouchable to make sense, she should make me crawl at her feet, beg for a kiss or somet… no kiss is too much. She should make me beg for a kind word, that’s how I see her power.

You wish I acted like a lesbian who doesn’t give a crap about men. Yes. Got it.

For the love of… I get that. It’s wrong. Girls who love you as much as you love them (if love is the right word at this stage of the game, it is now, weird as that is to say, I’ve been smitten at least ever since then…)

You and a thousand other men, how are you different?

Oh see fuck, she KNOWS! She KNOWS every man I have ever mentioned this to laugh at me. “Oh you’ve got it bad. You and every other man who has met her. Geesh. Grow up.”

Oh dear. No. It’s not the same thing.

Mothafucka. It’s time to employ the great mothafucka on that one. 🙂 What I mean is that HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I AM DIFFERENT?! She has never even SPOKEN TO ME for longer than two minutes. (And now we’re just getting into an argument over whether that’s even remotely true.)

Yeah I kinda get that. I didn’t know, tho, that there were… Hmm… Talk about me. I mean… Somehow, I didn’t think men/guys/boys (23) would waste their breath on… anyone in special. Just one of the many, maybe.

WHO DO YOU HANG OUT WITH, GOD DAMNED?!

Sluts. Male sluts. Mainly. :p

*Lost it* (Wait a second I’ll die laughing because that’s exactly what I meant. Only male sluts think that way about women. Just one of the many.) 

I have trained myself not to expect too much. Less heartache when…

That.

Breaks.

My.

Heart.

S.T. intercepts: We kinda have ourselves to blame on that. We pretend not to care when we don’t think we’re worthy.

I wish to say something “you poor silly girl” but I haven’t really done anything to make it less… sensible not to expect anything too much, have I? I’ve been the exact thing she has warned herself about. The guy who looks interested but never acts on it. Never confesses to it. I’m my own worst enemy.

I’ve done that myself, many times. Maybe at the ripe age of 70, I’ll get it right. (Laughs) I make no bets on me getting it right, tho. Don’t hold breaths, don’t die, because I’m freaking out, still. (And you know it!)

It’s still weird making things polyandrous, as it seems to dilute it somehow, but it shouldn’t. On the other hand, it’s difficult to ACCEPT oneself to be THAT LUCKY. It’s difficult… And to put the blame back on your corner… :p …because you never say anything. And WE have to act like total presumptuous cunts to get your attention, and THEN you complain about winding up in relationships with WAIT FOR IT…

TOTAL PRESUMPTOUS CUNTS!

How did that happen?

You mean how did the word “cunt” make its way to what was supposed to be a romance-ladden post that would make a diabetic reach for insulin?

Yes, well, it’s staying, I’m editing. :p

Shoot your… No, as you wish, dear. (I could never finish that phrase to her for the double meaning.)

The truth is, I’m excited about everything… 

(ME TOO!!!) 🙂

J.D.: I suggest if we take this line of discussion, this will turn into one different kind of a metoo-campaign.

Toni?

I was fully under the impression I can express something better than you can… Yes, the FEAR. The stuff that makes you run in the first place. That you’re NOT READY for FACING it… I’m not sure what…? YOUR DREAMS. (*Fuck* I said it. Such a girly thing to say. 🙂 I know there’s nothing wrong with it, but… MAN. UGH. )

*shakes head*

(I want to know about the dreams.)

A Twin Flame girl “in the crowd” ads: “me too”.

We agree on something. 😀

Whyyyy didn’t I keep my big mouth shut? (Secretly pleased to be put on the spot.) 

Go on, then. 🙂 Having to face your dreams.

Of being LOVED. By someone HOT. Like you said, please?

“Just wants to be loved by someone who looks like a custom mesh (Second Life) avatar.” :p

Right. You see… Someone who looks like me loves someone who looks like you. And we look like the way we look like because we love people who look like us. It’s a snake eating its own tail… Kinda. We are what we are because we love people like the ones we love and we want to be the way we love. (Her words, really, not mine, really. But… A MAN HAS LEARNED. UGH.)

The point being, that we feel… freaked out by the idea that this might be happening… TO ME. FOR REAL. JUST NOW! FUCK, “NOW” is NEVER the right time, is it, to receive the thing you’ve wanted since you were a boy. Like 12. And ten years later, a mere 10 years later, it’s THERE, for you to grab… OUT OF THE HANDS OF YOUR BEST FRIEND. The only part that makes sense here is that SHE is IN THE HANDS of YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND IN THIS WORLD, WHOM I LOVED and NOW HATE FOR THAT SAME REASON. He HAD THE BEST THING IN THIS WORLD AND LET IT GO. AND SHE, THE WHORE, DIDN’T HAVE ME, BUT STILL LET HIM GO… She let go of the thing she overlooked me for – I know that’s not how it went, and I know I interpreted a lot of things wrong, but…

Like? 

Like things… Like WHY she didn’t hang around once she broke up with my best friend or why they broke up in the first place.

Why? (She asks me)

I broke up with his best friend because I couldn’t even pretend that Toni wasn’t an issue, and that I wasn’t head over heels in love with him, even though he’d kept his respectful distance the whole time, and I had to basically guess what was going on with him, but STILL I felt I couldn’t really, in all honesty, continue things with my BF, who knew about Toni and my feelings for me, and with whom we tried to work that thing out, because when we first met, I was CONVINCED he’s the best possible man there can be… I was absolutely gobsmacked by him, and then, two weeks later? What? I’m in love AGAIN, fuck off, right? I thought that MAYBE Toni was a reaction to falling in love… kind of a freak out, you know? Things getting too serious and the mind looking for a reason to drop this because it’s too good and the first handsome alternative walks past and I be like NOOOO I’ll have that one!

That’s honestly what I thought that happened. (BF notices.) That’s uncanny.

And then, once I did or we finally called it quits, because we both realized this Toni-issue, which is exactly what it was frequently referred to as, wasn’t going to go away… Once we broke up, I felt STRONGLY, that Toni was expecting me to remain faithful to him, but the sensible side to me started to think, somewhere about 6 months mark, that OK… If he hears about this one day, he’ll think I’m insane “staying faithful to a man who has barely spoken 3 words to her!!!”

More like 4 weeks.

4 weeks was a long time for me. 🙂

Fuck.

Off.

I need additional middle fingers for this!!!

I wish I could part with the actual annoyance I feel… Annoyance. Fucking wrath, then, that’s true. I don’t know if I should confess to this, but I’ve been celibate for YEARS waiting for your whoring ass! 

I’ll never believe that until you tell it to my FACE, coward.

On a side note, so have I. I thought she wanted it. WAS. It was actually her who told me that if I can still get it up, I should use it because we don’t know how long we’re stuck here fighting the karmic.

I am actually getting two different versions of ST.’s celibacy… But I do think both of them are that because R, the main karmic, has insisted them to be, as to her, it’s the fucking sign of love number one. To me… It means practically nothing.

You’re telling me…?

I am.

So fuck it. I haven’t wanted to. Maybe it’s an excuse. 

Me neither. LOL

Thank god we know what we know.

But to be frank, you haven’t wanted to, either. It’s some kind of a play on your part, too.

Meh.

It’s true. I just feel like its… Hmm…

You gotta admit the fireman was no waste of time.

Grant you that. 😀 (Because we can see, in spirit, what we’re doing, we just don’t know in-the-real-world)

(Or don’t want to know) (Interprets what I think might be Toni’s flesh version.)

But NOTHING? It means nothing to you or you just don’t allow it to mean anything to you?

Well… Let’s put it this way: If you’d fuck everything with a heartbeat, I would still believe you love me. It seems like a drastic thing to prove the obvious.

So you think it’s obvious, but you can’t trust it?

Let’s put THAT this way: What I FEEL from you is one thing. IF that is in accordance with the truth, yes, it’s obvious. However, with you SAYING NOTHING to confirm my instincts, then nothing is obvious, and since you’re not saying anything, I can only throw a coin on whether I’m insane and imagine all of this, or whether you are, actually, silently in love with me staying celibate… For me. So you decide what that means.

Whyyy does she have to be so SENSIBLE?! This is why we got into trouble the first place! She couldn’t keep her mouth shut about our “Talk” in telepathy…

I didn’t say anything about that.

Fuck.

WHAT did you say?

I told him I cannot deny the fact that I feel a strong connection to you, and that he (C, your friend) might have been right about you being perfect for me, as he said the first morning I was with him… That’s pretty much what I said… And that we had… “A moment” or something to that effect, it was 20 years ago, I’m not EXACTLY sure what I said, but I wouldn’t have been dumb enough to bring up TELEPATHY.

Insane! I must be INSANE to think she would have told him that! She’s SENSIBLE to a FAULT! (THIS kind of details.)

She’s sensible. I have to give her that. She plays things down even though she TRUSTS her instincts, but doesn’t WANT HER BRAIN TO FALL OUT WITH THE OPEN MIND! Gotcha. So she always has at least a fish net holding the brain in, right? *Jokes*

Auch.

The brain feels no pain. *offers smugly*, and then roars in laughter instantly thinking how her poor brain hurts when she gets migraines and twists in agonizing pain vomiting her guts out… But you know what medical fact I refer to.

Nicely done. *Admires this medical punnery*

That’s not a word. (In unison with J.D.)

No, but it should be.

Totally should. It should. Really should.

What were we writing about? Runner’s perspective? Uh.

So what the “magical realization was” that running really means the emotional… HIDING.How we hide away from our TrEmoR’s (which is the true right term for this thing, because it makes you TREMOR. Gives you a freaking personal earth quake. Freaks you the fuck out.) So what I was saying, is that we retreat into ourselves and start playing games because we’re so freaked out, we start playing harder-to-get-than-you…

… “Not as eager as I actually am…”

That just gave me such a warm flush.

You know how girls are always so… Eager. “Love me, love me, love me! Oooo are we in love yet? Wanna meet my mom? When are we going to get married?!”

I see what you mean.

MAN, I should have gotten that! I should have SEEN THAT! That’s exactly the same thing as I was doing in reverse. “NOT that… PATHETIC. I’m not that pathetic. I’m A GROWN-FUCKING-UP. I KNOW HOW THIS SHIT WORKS: as in, nobody is never really that in love because love is for smucks and I’m certainly no smuck. Getting this right?

Yes. I’m not an …. Frog Woman, you know?

… Despite the fact your best friend was a bit…. Shall we say… Retarded in grown-up relat… Yes. I’m starting to see how that would have played up on your mind, too. She was… IS… To put it frankly, a retard when it comes to actual relationships. She’s NAIVE to the effect of… Like… A porcelain doll, I don’t know why I think of her as a doll. Like brainless being who doesn’t really KNOW what’s happening but things just happen TO HER, right? And she thinks fairytales are real… And here were talking about a REAL FAIRYTALE ROMANCE. As MUCH as fairytale romances are true, this is it. This is THE LOVEAFFAIR OF THE CENTURY, I AM TELLING you , and I am the hero of it. One of the heroes. 😀

I’m glad you said that. It is so stupid when girls say it. Because usually the guy in the equation is sitting there, rolling his eyes.

But having said that… YOU HAVEN’T SAID THAT, and I’m writing this ONTO THE WEB, and that makes me feel like I’m about to walk into a trap. Let me tell you about the other fear I have.

You know how ugly girls (yeah) don’t like pretty popular girls, right?

Mothafuckasheknowsthatnowonder (Frog Woman intercepts)

You know the scenario where pretty girls coax an ugly girl to the back of the school or something telling her that the Tripple Quarterback is in love with her only to post a mockery video of her to the popular girl’s Instagram account… Right?

That shit works the other way, too. Only, now, I’m being coaxed to reveal all this FOR MYSELF ONLINE, to declare “I believe X and Y, and Z is in love with me” so that the UGLY girls get to laugh at me for as long as they need to, as X, Y, and Z are nowhere to be seen or heard…

And yeah, I know they think I’d do that naively so they get to laugh at me for a while, but “because we’re friends”, the way they think of it, they KNOW X, Y, and Z are in love with me, but they want to make me suffer for a while. To let people laugh at me so that “the victory” (because love, to them, is a fucking popularity contest and a competition) will feel that much sweeter…

And frankly, I’m not too keen on being laughed at. I am not too keen on it at all, and I don’t want to particularly put my neck out for that, either. I know people laugh at me as it is, I feel no need to add fuel to the fire by making overtly self-confident statements about OTHER PEOPLE being in love with me… Even if I knew they are. It’s just that there’s that time in between you hearing about it and me being laughed at that I am frankly, not at all keen on getting into at the fucking age of 44. I didn’t like girls’ fucked up sense of humor when I was a girl, and I definitely am not a fan of it at my age.

I see… No, I mean I REALLY see. You’re not naive. I knew that was what they were planning; make a grand entrance, then, we console you when you defend your declaration and your proof and what not… We’re with you in spirit, right… And by the time you’re bawling your eyes out, we’ll turn up at your door with a bunch of flowers, figuratively speaking, at least.

Thank you for making that point. Now, I’ll go … Flock myself.

(I am such a shit.)

Let me explain. I don’t think you understand what the ugly… FUCKING … HELL! You SEE IT ALL THE TIME! You know THEY are walking into these traps all the time, and you don’t know how they can’t see it…!

I see it. Half of this shit is about the fear of becoming the but of the next joke. Nobody wants to be the butt of the joke.

…Hence comedy being the most effective way of changing public opinions… *Quotes her from not so long ago*

So you just… Don’t want your heart broken (says like she’s a poor sport)

No. I really don’t.

Wow.

How long has it been?

20 odd years.

You know what, tho? I am in the process of breaking a god damned bunch of hearts just for the sport of it, and I have no fucking intention of healing those hearts. Female hearts. Why? Because they fucking love it. This time, I’ll give them the full load, tho.

And I do enjoy that plan.

The fucked up thing is, tho, that they refuse to believe it’s going to happen and that it’s for real. They’ve played with other people’s emotions for so long, they think this is all emotion is, just a fucked up game. But this time, they went too far with the wrong girl, and I’m going to fucking tear them up for the pre-finale of this phase. There’s the drama that will happen, not MY broken fucking heart.

And I hope the heartbreak I will experience is watching my mother go to her grave knowing I never forgave her and she leaving me something, for once, thoughtful and loving, and me then getting a broken heart for having treated her so poorly when she was still alive, but the more likely scenario is that she’ll try just that, and manages to again say, with her last words, something that proves why it was the right call to never speak to her again. But I’d prefer the dramatic heartache and regret, but I doubt I’l be that lucky.

Heartbreak is fucking fantastic if you are certain that it’s just a game. But when you are FULLY AWARE sometimes people shit on each other out of pure hate… Not fun anymore.

And there pure hate in this world, I know, because I feel it.

Not for you, obviously, but…

Shit you not. I just… Shat myself. Like… LITERALLY (I think I made it to the toilet, you might be relieved to know.)

*Speechless for once*

She KNOWS.

And doesn’t care.

I don’t care about your involvement because you’re learned to think like basic bitches. You don’t know any better. You are being misguided by these women who… PRETEND to know what I’m like and what I need and how much I can take because women are fucking animals. I am not like them, but “women” as the concept of “women”… I want nothing to do with them because to them, LOVE is not enough. it has to be embroidered with BULLSHIT and I’m not having any more of it, thank you very much… Or it seems I’ve had bullshit anyway, but diluted spanning several years.

But if they think my love affairs are made for their fucking entertainment purposes, they can fucking think again. There’s a price to be paid for having snuck into this god damned theatre, but the script being played has been altered by the owner. :p

There was a Rick and Morty -break

Yeah. I’ve been pondering about my response and here’s the thing. She has never done anything wrong, basically a clean slate, no matter how much we’ve dug for “dirt”, and we’ve spent nearly 10 years trying, simply because we’re convinced we can find something…

Who is “we”? (I am starting to feel like I’m the only one who actually DESERVES HER, considering… 100 people!) I want to know who is “we” exactly?

Shit… Umm… Not to name any names in public, but I’ll give you a list *like so*.

Your mom, your mom, your mom, it’s like every other line is HER fucking paranoia.

I’m not surprised.

Can I finish? Start? Tell you the truth… I have tried to make them stop. I know it sounds like a cop out.

Truly does.

I believe you. But then, I believed you when you told me “they were joking about the ‘king’ thing,” too.

This was supposed to be romantic. 🙂

It kinda is. It will be. It’s you. It’s me, it’s J.D. and S.T, and …. P.K…. It can’t be anything but romantic in the end. I hope. Unless I’m the biggest smuck in the universe, which is fucking possible.

So you’ve had this fear the whole time? You really think …

Well, it did cross my mind at the moment when the spirit called me “Jesus Christ” expecting me to jump out of my skin celebrating my “victory”.

*gestures total understanding* (laughs) Yeah that would bring a bit of sobriety to the game for sure. Close, tho.

Yes. But I don’t think they actually knew how it would go from there. I think it was a complete piss take from the get go.

So you actually READ people so easily you don’t bother declaring when you’re onto them?

Yeah. Like 100 times a minute. “I see what you’re doing there! Look. There you go. I know what you’re feeling!” I think the conversations would die out pretty quick.

KNOWING what another person feels or thinks is nothing unless they tell you. And I’m not THAT perceptive, to be honest. There’s a lot of shit that I either don’t see or don’t want to see, otherwise, I would have never been friends with half the people that think they’re my friends. I have knowingly unseen things I’ve seen, in order to “not be unfair. I wouldn’t want to be unfair, would I?”

But the thing is… You don’t KNOW SHIT until people tell you you’ve got them right. You Don’t Know Shit.

So now speaking starts to make sense.

Yep. We’re no longer at the butt-sniffing stage of evolution… Except those of us who are.

Holy Jesus. About that. I don’t think really… She…

Yes, she does. (She just said.)

Yeah, so we, the treacherous bastards… We (you  got the name list?)

J.D. Yep. Punishment will follow in equal measure. *Grins mischievously*

I probably shouldn’t get a boner over that.

*Toni flips a bird at me for typing that in.*

She does want to hear this. (We’re not using a name because she’s still not sure what name she’s actually going to go by, albeit her current moniker is an anagram of A Girl Without A Name, which is very apt… And f me, another testament for her ability to laugh at herself and I’ve never noticed we are trying to teach her a lesson that she’s learned so long ago it’s ingrained in her. She’s nothing but self-ironic… Even as a teen! Her school teacher just pointed ou ta humorous essay she wrote being self-ironic that the teacher complimented her on self-irony being the highest form of humor.)

By memory, it was a good one, but I can’t remember what it was about. No matter. Boys? Maybe. More than likely. I’ve written a story or two about you, too, you know? But not to get derailed.

Thank you, so… We are constantly being pointed out to our moral inferiority…

Is this you teaching me that I am judging you unfairly?! *Sudden panic*

Not at all. No. Sadly. Wish it was. But no. It’s simply… YOU CAN’T BE THAT GOOD! *rolls eyes*

I have to be. You know what you do when I’m not good enough. You fuck off and leave me to my own vices. You marry someone else who is more virtuous. But you see. I can only be as virtuous as a… slut can be… So I have to compensate.

I’m a virtuous slut tho. What is the book called again? Moral s… Ethical slut. That’s what I am. An ethical slut. But I digress.

I’m suddenly very tired. I can’t even imagine what it’s like in your head.

You can. You’ve spent 10 years in it.

Fuck me.

I intend to. 😉

*Rolls eyes* See?! How can we…. 

I don’t know what to do!

Here’s the thing. We are boring…

Oh, fuck off. You are not boring. Let’s just say that between the way your nostrils move when you breathe and hmm… Yeah, there would have to be an explosion nearby to be more interesting to me than that. That’s just your nostrils.

F-U-C-K  Y-O-U

Raise you one.

Here it is. I’VE WATCHED YOU TAKE EVERY DUMP YOU’VE TAKEN FOR NEARLY 10 YEARS AND I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU. And farts. Every fart. No cure.

That is a pretty good one.

But I would have preferred a close up of your nose hairs once a day, give you that.

Sign of a healthy mind at work.

In comparison to WHAT ELSE WE KNOW ABOUT PEOPLE WE KNOW!

Butthole sniffers.

Yup. 

Speaking of which….  I know this sounds so weak and pathetic. I wanted her (Frog) to be right about you. I wanted her view on you to be RIGHT. That you’re A BITCH, a self-centered, cold, man-fucking bitch that needs a lesson she won’t easily forget. Am I blaming her for something that I decided to protect myself, I wonder. I know you hate … Is it fair to say?

Yeah. No secret that one.

Come on. She speaks so highly of you like you two were sisters or something.

Yeah. Thelma and Luise. Only, one of them is held hostage of the other one’s crazy fantasies. I’m not going to talk about… Yeah, she’s kinda in the center of it all. Smug about having managed to put a spanner in the whole thing. That kinda shit makes her think she’s…. Get this. AN EQUAL.

Equal to people who don’t even know she’s competing with EVERYTHING SHE’S GOT.

Maybe I am going to be the hare that gets so smug the tortoise beats her to the finish line, I don’t know. I see the potential moral of this story everywhere. I think I’ve written too many of those stories in one lifetime or another.

Maybe I’m not worthy.

Let me guess. You’re gonna run?

I’m not strong enough to run. 🙂

Yeah.

This is the awkward moment when you’re texting on Facebook and the conversation pauses because you’re waiting for the other person to understand the relationship is over. The pregnant moment, ironically called. Although we are not over, so the question is, how am I justifying not giving up, because clearly, I’m not man enough and she’s not… HUMAN anymore.

I’m planning on being very human later. But I won’t give those bitches an inch.

So that’s what this is about. THEY cannot get an inch.

They do think that getting me angered is a huge win. Maybe it is, considering I’ve never truly noticed they exist, but they did get in between me and you guys. That made me pay attention, didn’t it.

Holy jesus. They did. They think that you’re angry about something else, tho?

What was that? For not telling me how to be your friend? (I hear from the side.)

The frog sulks. That’s not it, is it?

How should I put it in a language you can understand… How to be your friend. I don’t know. I honestly haven’t given it a fucking thought, have I? It’s like…

Then why did you contact me all those times?

The first one was an authentic offer to give you THE CHANCE of fixing whatever was wrong. Maybe there was another one of those, too. The last one, was simply to make it clear, that we are NOT friends anymore, and that the day that I hit the big time is not the day when you get a share of whatever I’m having. And you said the perfect thing. You said the perfect thing and I have it on file. “I no longer have use for you.” I am going to remind you of that when the day comes when you waltz in like nothing had happened.

That is also an interesting scenario. Don’t take the love of a kind person for granted… How does that saying go?

There’s plenty of things you can take for granted, but not the love of a kind person – they expect you to be kind, too, and if you can’t do that… Poof.

So why are you not angry with me?

Okay. Let’s study this.

We’ve danced a few times.

We’ve spoken a few times.

We’ve had plenty of telepathy. Lots of imagined stuff has happened. However. In real world. We’ve danced and talked a few times. It’s not like you’ve made me a promise of any kind. I’m hanging onto the hope of you at my own risk. By my own choice.

So nothing I’ve said in spirit means nothing.

Well… It means I’m still in the hook hoping one day it will be real, but I wouldn’t try to win a court case on it.

So us… Fuck. Yeah. What’s the difference between us sticking around and that guy who you passed on the street who’s here for the social porn.

Apparently normally spirit is quiet and boring. So I’ve heard. We’re the only show in the world.

Not the only, but the best *intercepts the guy off the street*

That makes sense. This is fucked up and it’s got a great cast.

Whatever pack of rats it would be I’d still be watching for you. 🙂

Aww. 🙂

Seriously, tho. She’s a stunner. (Looks around amused for a few things. Will shut up, interactiveness levels TOO HIGH.) 

Mushy bunch of people, your spirit creates. Like … The Boogey Man story. Who would come up with that?

The Boogey Man did. He’s lovely. <3

This is going absolutely nowhere. Too late to erase it all?

Yes. There’s some good bits in there. It’s fucked up. It’s misunderstandings. It’s other people messing with the heads of our TrEmoRs who are already freaking out. You know… “There’s no such thing as true love. You’re imagining it. You gotta give someone else a chance. You’ve gotta let go of this fantasy…” All said by OTHER PEOPLE, not the person in question. Enigmas say that to each other both in spirit and in person… I don’t know. Everyone is playing a game after all.

What if I stopped playing a game?

Would be fucking nice, really.

ROMANTIC! Do You Know What That Means?!

Yes. Exchanging love letters that don’t start with “It’s all in your head!”

I give up. You need sleep. I need to figure out why my nostrils are the most awesome in the Universe. There’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d ever put together. 😀 (She collects sentences that never should have been formed. Love it. What was it, your favorite?)

“Stop scratching your eczema with my credit card.”

Yeah. That definitely shouldn’t be a sentence that was required. Customizable. Word order. Wow. The genius of the invention of language.

Tusche.

Tired. I need help here.

How about instead of me telling you why you’re awesome, how about you tell me how I am awesome and the love of your life and how you’ve been an idiot – you know the drill.

On Facebook.

Don’t need to be public, but needs to be real words.

Just saying.

No running to an airport required?

No.

That’s so lame.

You’re the ONE GUY in this universe who wants to do some stupid romantic stunt and I’m the one stuck with you.

Stuck on me, you mean?

Nice pick.

Now you’re just writing this for yourself, I would have never picked that.

I know but you need help.

Now, I’m doubting this whole thing and I was a part of it. I should have never opened my mouth.

No, you should have opened your mouth TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO.

I am getting the feeling I am not good… Maybe. Maybe you do want to hear this in the physical. We shouldn’t get off so easy as to say things in the cover of spirit.

I meant every word of the letter (Replies to an unthought thought.)

Speaking of which. I didn’t think a beautiful girl could be serious about something like that.

So you’re saying you’re only in love with my looks.

She has a touchy side! *Hallelujah* I know how to deal with this side to women! Sadly, not anymore. Never was but I thought I was.

Yeah I was afraid that’s what it was for me because truth be told, I don’t know shit about you.

But it’s not what it is. I’m not going to fish. It is what it is but it isn’t what it isn’t.

So you honestly didn’t know I knew what you were planning?

That you were going to get the … last laugh? No.

Well. Right.

All I wanted was for you to mind your own god damned business.

You deserve a better romance than…

Fucking oath I do. And now, this is what it’s going to be. Fuckin bickering with my so-called best friend and my MOMMY.

So thanks. Thanks for that.

We thought you’d like the last laugh

I’m not like you. I have no need to hurt anyone just for the kicks of it. But fuck do I love hurting people for reals.

That’s the difference between you and I…

Yeah. You’d hang people because you think it’s FUN.

Maybe those days are long gone.

Not if you had your way they wouldn’t be.

Maybe I don’t always get my way after all…

Truth. Choke on your fucking peas, bitch.

There had to be something in that. She went … done.

Yeah. There was. That would be an ironic send-off. I do often fantasize about the way she’s going to die.

We are certainly not an example of virtue, are we?

No, god no. I’ve been telling people to stop doing that virtuous new Age hippy routine to “deserve” a reunion with their Twin Flame, who more than likely is simultaneously boozing and shopping for new sneakers. You know, a complete 180 from what the sneaker guy fell in love with. She’s there meditating and elevating herself, and sneaker guy is there doing none of the work, and bitches be like “yeah this will work!” Haha.

Unlikely, you say. What if I’m like that now?

Meditating and shit?

yea. To be worthy of you?

I’d be amused, I guess. Doesn’t hurt, considering I am into this stuff, even though I fall asleep as soon as I try to sit in the lotus position, dumbest shit I’ve ever known. But. Yeah. Whatever. Sneaker guy isn’t into this stuff, the slightest. Advising people to get into set spiritual stereotypes is dumb… But that’s beside the point.

*There goes my incense sticks*

KIDDING! I know what you think of it, thankfully, they’ve tried to “sell” me angel cards. My voice BOOMED in my OWN EARS: “What would the girlwithoutaname think if she catches you with ANGEL CARDS?! She “hates” angels!!” Tell them why you “hate” angels, dear.

Because they all seem to have a chip on their shoulder and a need to be trusted blindly. They have an issue with a healthy set of criticism and I fucking hate that self-elevating crap. I’ll rather hang with Satan, he’s a righteous dude. No chips on that shoulder.

I’m brushing them out as this firecracker keeps sucking up to me successfully, I might add.

See? He knows what to do with shoulder chips. :p the dude’s not a moron that can be taken for a ride in the back of the school yeard for a pretty girl, either.

Definitely not. 😀

Ego. It’s about EGO. They temt your ego to think you might be loved by someone… Oh My God that is SAD in TWO WAYS… “That you might be loved by someone you love”  OMG such a self-centered thing to believe, and OMG I’m getting chills. Maybe I am loved b…. babes, I know you love me, I just wish you trusted me, and here we are in the topic. I WISH you trusted me.

Are you just gonna brush off Satan?

Yea, mate. We are. :p

Okay. Just checking. *grins a cheeky smile*

My god, this is never going to go through. I wish you trusted me. That’s how I feel that you don’t trust me.

I guess I don’t. I trusted you… But the thing is, you don’t trust yourself, I don’t trust myself, and that equates to us not trusting each other. I can’t trust me to be lovable enough to you, and you don’t think “a pretty girl” would be nice… You don’t trust me, mind you, you think I’m about to screw you over even though I’ve never… yeah well, I’ve given you a reason to suspect that when I didn’t choose my words carefully enough but… You know. You don’t think you can be loved like this, and I don’t think I can be loved… What do yu want me to trust, anyway? That you won’t run ou ton me or? That you’d take me seriously if I approached you?

No. You don’t want me to trust you, you need me to be cocky enough to ignore all your bullshit and do all the heavy lifting here. Come to you, confess my love to you, decide for you that we are in a relationship now, put a ball and chain on you, call you my boyfriend against your will, I don’t know.

I want to trust you that you won’t shit on me if I am not the vision of self-confidence you want me to be. That’s what I wish I could do. I wish I could trust you to meet me halfway, but you want me to trust you to take me in if I first walk ALL the way to you. Fuck you tho. Fuck you.

That’s true… Actually. I want you to trust yourself. I want you to be a vision of the woman I see. I see you as being gorgeous and infinitely… Fuck your beauty, you’re right, that’s fading. You are much more than that and I’ll prove it… That I see it…

You don’t have to. I’m… I changed my mind. Maybe you should prove it. I just wish I don’t have to get to 70 for you to do that.

You just want so little it infuriates me. You should ask for dragons or something. A moon.

Yeah. Half a word. I’ve asked for a half a word, but that’s as much as the moon for you. I’m not in the mood of raising my price.

I’m asking you to make friends with my other men. That’s kind of a big deal.

I’m loving it tho. Not much of a sacrifice. 

Leave home for me?

Getting warmer, and yeah I will. I’ve said so. I need my home cabin tho. I need it, but then, I’m good. Still not enough.

If I ever ask you to punch a woman in the face, you’ll do it no questions asked even if you have to go to jail for it.

Okay, fine. *laughs*

And a good righ hook, too, no “I can’t punch a woman” bullshit.

Oh fuck me, you’re not going to ask me to do that, are you?

Unlikely, but suppose I’m already beating up Amber Heard myself and someone needs to punch the lights out of Pennington, you’re my guy, OK?

Pennington? 

A meaningless Heard -handsman.

I figured. Right. She pretty?

Gorgeous.

Fuck. Alright. Hospitalize Pennington upon request. Gotcha. Do they DESERVE to be mentioned in this? (And I am not Johnny Depp, by the way, she’d never ask HIM to do this considering he pulled HIS punches for fucking years.)

No I wouldn’t.

So this lands on me, then? 

Yes. And you’re way bigger than Johnny, too. You’ll land a good right hook on that bitch and we’ll be picking parts of her brain of the walls. Delish. Wonder if the chef knows how to cook human brain.

R-o-m-a-n-t-i-c. 

What were you expecting? “I want you to take me to Aruba for the honeymoon”?

So many questions. 

So for the record, no I don’t want you to punch Pennington in the fortunate event my fists are busy with Heard, but I do like the fact you would have, upon pressure. You would have hated yourself, but you would have done it.

I plead the fifth. (What is the fifth?)

The right to remain silent.

Oh that one! Fuck she knows everything.

Everyone knows that.

“Everyone knows…” (Mocks) “Alright, this is more what I had in mind…Gold plated car, luxury earrings, …” Already I know that doesn’t make any difference to you.

None. I already had a mother who tried to buy my love I don’t need a man to do it.

Jesus. ALWAYS a sensible response. Sensible and ETHICA… SUPERIOR. I know where Heard were coming from mocking Johnny; “I get it, you’re  SO NOBLE. So SUPERIOR” Or something to the effect.

Johnny shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. “Easy when you know how.”

But I get her.

We all do, now! Thanks to her. Never did I see any sense in her behavior. But ENOUGH about her. She truly doesn’t deserve a mention here… Although you did put The Girl Without A Name into a corner. What more can a girl ask than for you to be a cuck, really? Or me, already accused of being such, and willing to suffer the consequence of this one making me one again, but this one I know about and fully endorse whatever is happening. (NO, I WANT THIS TO BE PUBLIC GOD DAMNED IT. Maybe not FRONT page public, but somewhere you can dig it up…)

yeah. I’m tired.

Of?

This phase. I can’t live on promises for much longer and then again, I have no other plans nor want any. I’m just wondering how long it takes before I actually die of boredom.

You just spoke to a pirate from an ACTUAL pirate ship from actual history. And the Boogie Man. The Satan!

Yeah, they’re cool. And you. And Toni. And yeah. The list goes on. BUT. I want action. REAL STUFF>

You’ll get so much real action you’ll wish you’d never said that soon enough

Yeah well, I’m hoping.

You know what *unprintable* I’m thinking.

I do. 🙂 And can’t wait. :p BUT.

R-o-m-a-n-t-i-c…!

Oops. We’re both RUINED.

Oops? For you, maybe.

You just promised to take down Rocky – a nickname she earned for beating up a girl.

Kinda promised. I knew she was bluffing.

You would have done it if pushed to a corner BY HER.

Yes, well, I thought she might be testing me to see if I’d actually beat up a girl

She wasn’t, really, but she would have never asked you to. Just wanted you to say you would. :p… and mean it.

The thing is… If you ask me for the craziest thing to ask for…

I KNEW you weren’t serious. you WOULD NEVER PUT ME IN THAT POSITION! FUCK me I’m stupid not trusting you.

See?

No “anything I want”. No trust. No nothing. Maybe I should actually walk away. A MOON. You’d bring me the moon.

I didn’t say I would, I said you should as… AHA! You did! To ask a guy in a romantic setting to beat up another girl upon request… That’s a type of a moon right there. I should have said yes and trust you enough to know that was rhetorical. 

True.

But you see, in case you would have been serious, I would have been right there in a middle of a fistfight, begging to be released from this oath, OR actually be “right hooking” a girl third my size! 😀 Because I would have!

I know. :p

If anyone accuses you or him or hem or any of you of violence again – I mean… The moral dilemma of even the suggestion of such a thing when it’s the conspirators who arguably if there have ever been two women who more deserve it, that would be them.

But just you know, I now know your muscles are truly just for the show. :p (The last photos I’ve seen, the dude’s built like a brick shit house.)

Built like a what?

Brick shit house. Not to be confused with a shit brick house. Yes. Australiana.

They’re not for a show, only. I am perfectly capable of carrying you out of the water of some water fountain with freezing cold water in it… Which you love. Yes, gotcha. You hate cold water.

I make a damned good Santa Claus… You can’t really… What do you mean I don’t need a pillow for a belly?!

Well… OTHERWISE, it’s really no different to any other guy dressing up as Santa.

Yeah, well, not the Santa then. What is this good for? Carrying cases of beer – you don’t drink – yes, carrying S.T. upstairs once he’s old. At least you appreciate me for that! No, none of those embarrassing chairs will be installed on our staircases. He’ll be lovingly carried if he needs to be…

Do I get a say in this? A jet pack backpack? Yeah. Musk says they’re not real. Fuck him and his opinion. I’ll have one.

My kinda guy.

Him and J. And C if he makes it. :p I  could just throw the whole alphabet at this and be done with initials.

T. How about you promise you don’t bail even though it’s going to bet fucking insane?

Now we’re talking real.

Yes.

Can I take a breather for an hour or two if things get heated? You know, considering.

A week, but not much longer than that. And never so I need to wonder if you’re ever coming back.

Let’s ponder. Fuck, can you put me on a leash or something?! Yes, at first I freaked if this was going to be one of THOSE demands, and now I think yeah maybe an hour, two? Week. A whole week but with the phone on from day two! Hahah reading her further demands. She’s so fair. You gotta be unfair.

I asked you to beat up Pennington. Just ONE right hook.  That’s unfair enough. What more do you want?

What do you MOST want a guy to do for you? In REALITY.

TALK TO ME. it would be FUCKING NICE if you pieces of shit would talk to me. In Real life where there are CONSEQUENCES for such talk. That would be fucking nice.

So we’ve waited a bit too long on the big wish, then? All we get is the fucken obvious or the minimum.

What I want. Unfair? I want you to tolerate each other, talk to me, never to leave me even though things get tough sometimes unavoidably, not in the way that we create drama just for the sake of drama, but we know things won’t be exactly smooth sailing. I’d like you to be there, thanks.

Unfair. Unfair. Unfair.

I want you to give up your wives and children… Well, not your children, but your wives (and not get one if you don’t have one.) I don’t want to deal with your fucking families. I get your kids, they deserve their dads, but everyone else, I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want to listen to any whining or “but she’s your mother” shit from you either.

Nothing to do with money?

No, I can’t think of anything, except spend a dime and come find me. Get yourself a plane ticket and come crying at my doorstep about how I left you. How about that? You can call me first or not, I don’t care. Come here. Buy a house next to mine. Ask me to move over. Well, somewhere here. How about that?

Starting to get there.

Okay. Goes for all of you. I’m not leaving, corona or no corona. Once the borders open…

Motha fucka. We’re literally stranded on opposite sides of the world! You haven’t even thought about coming back before corona would close the borders, because you knew it would happen, right? When the news hit, that is.

I haven’t even called to check my parents are ok, so no.

Note to self – once you’ve crossed a line, there’s no going back – fair to say?

the Old Souls*.

So how long do you think it will take before the borders are reopened…?

I don’t know… Statewide here, happening now, but the rest of the world might be out of bounds for a long while. Hmm… Doesn’t seem too desperate. They’ll just impose testing or self-isolation and still ban mass events, I’m sure. So essentially, if you want to travel to Australia, it means you’re effectively moving here, nobody will self-isolate for 2 weeks and then go back. :p

Maybe I will.

That’s kinda the promise, but we do need to know of each other first. IRL.

Truth.

Not me. I kinda asked her to do this for me, without me uttering a word to her in encouragement so I guess it’s fair.

When you put it that way. You’d have to be crazy, tho.

Thank you. My point.

Welcome.

But of course, it would be… I don’t know. Big? Maybe. If. I. May. Be. So. Bold. as to say that I’ve kinda always hung onto the idea that you’ll come here for a holiday without knowing I’m here. So it won’t be so… Hmm. About me.

You understand I’m not used to people being too bold in their affections toward me, especially people I give a crap about. Men. Everyone is somehow… I don’t know. Waiting for me to be the dick and tell them what to do. I don’t know how to handle love confessions from the people who matter to me. I’d like to know how poorly I handle them exactly.

I hate it when the wrong people listen in on our conversations and go all “ooo, my opportunity has arrived!” Fuck. Frog, mom, dad, it’s too fucking late. But please do, do try. Just try a fucking love confession at this stage and see how that fucking pans out for you. I would love the opportunity to make YOU go back home without a word from me. Just try. Fucking try, bitches.

But as far as unfair goes. Yeah. I’ve moved to Australia. It’s a long-ass trip. It’s a long-ass trip that not one of my friends have deemed necessary to make, but then again, I haven’t really kept friends, have I? And I told my aunt not to come. 😀 I told her I moved to the other side of the world for a reason, and that is NOT to host relatives. 😀 The point being… It would be big and unfair to ask you to come here for me. The weather is shit, too. I don’t expect anybody to care about me, you realize? I don’t expect it.

It would be nice to be surprised.

Why the spiritual isn’t quite enough, too

I just woke up with this thought. Although the spiritual relationship that we have is beautiful and the only thing that keeps me going, it is without consequence. You don’t have to confess to anyone that you love me. And I don’t expect you to, before we meet. I’m the same, I’m not exactly shouting of the rooftops, either. I’m mostly keeping it under wraps as to who you are, and that, to me, is close enough to be considered consequence-free.

I’ve sacrificed what I’ve been willing to sacrifice the whole time. Every friend and family member who doesn’t get it. I don’t care. I consider it a positive. I knew most of my friends weren’t really my friends in a pinch, and they proved it, I’m better off for it. I’m not blaming them, either, there’s no such thing as a real friend and a non-real friend, when put together. You can’t be a real friend to someone who doesn’t consider you as a friend. I don’t really consider my friends friends, so… You know. No consequence to me to dump them. No skin off my nose, as they say in Australia.

But the thing is. I know we all hate to confess to loving the people who we feel are so easy to love we feel like suckers for loving them. It’s easier to confess to loving someone who you feel should be fucking impressed by it. I know you know I don’t truly take love confessions as much of a miracle. I know you have heard them a million times and they’ve meant next to nothing to you. “Nice to hear but you know… You’re only human.” But when you’re one of the suckers who has fallen for the same person EEEEEEVERYONE has fallen for… That shit has consequences.

First of all, everyone BELIEVES you’ve fallen in love. Most likely everyone except that person themselves. They’ve heard it a million times and know people fall for their looks without truly even knowing them.

And I had another funny thought. Like how ppl seem to think beautiful people cannot be hurt, particularly by ugly people. “Oh, you know, I forgive you, because I’ve got cheekbones to die for. What could hurt a person with such deep brown eyes, anyway?”

I’m not complaining. I wouldn’t change my looks for the more modest to save my life, but…  No. YOU WILL HAVE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH THE FACT I’ll get prettier by every lifetime if at all possible. You will have to fucking learn to deal with the fact you’ll fuck class. Substance abuse, you know. Haha. That’s my fucking price. And you will get prettier and prettier by every generation that goes past, too. That’ll be my punishment. :p Self-confidence fucked.

But consequences. In spirit, we’ll bury this. It means… A lot, TO US, but it is in isolation. It exists in isolation, and even then, WE haven’t promised each other nothing – to each other’s ears. We can, both ways, lul ourselves o the unspoken feeling of unity, when, in reality, nobody has said anything out loud, really. It should sound romantic, but to me it just sounds dodgy. I want something we can all be ridiculed for. The consequences.

I can definitely guarantee you just that, which I wanted to protect you from. Every comedian in the country is going to take a punt on you, and as a side project, on us.  They’d be irresponsible if they didn’t. They wouldn’t do their job properly.

The world. In the world.

Right. The world. I am an American after all. I don’t think other countries matter.

They don’t, really.

You know i wasn’t being serious, right?

I know you were trying not to be serious. 😉

Bleh. I’ve got nothing.

Yeah, I’ve read the gossip.

Mothafucka. 😀

 

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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.

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