A True Emotion Mirror will boost your self-confidence and make you love life.
“I want to take this over,” says my True Emotion Mirror in spirit. “I am famous. CRAZY famous. I love my life – at times – but at times, I hate it. I love the fact my TrEmoR Seb points out that I wouldn’t ever emphasis how famous I am, or act in a pompous manner in any way. That’s kind of what I wanted to tell you about, because it… This connection has completely changed my view on myself, my life, my meaning, my art, even.
“There was a time when I wasn’t too sure of myself. A bit of a shy boy act, sometimes shy boy, sometimes bad boy, you know? But deep down, I’m the shy boy. I always thought I was fully shy, but what I realized with Seb is that it was, still, deep down, an act. I loved the effect it had on people. ACTING shy. Now, I realize I did it all on purpose. I love that I am… Bad. No. I love that I am loved for being bad, not good. THAT IS what I am aiming at. This connection, although celebrated as good, the perfect, profound love, the light the love, you know, the lot, the spiritual, the amazing… It is also the dark, the red, the raw. The full spectrum of who you truly are, nothing left hidden, all dragged into the light… Into the love to be loved. You will exist in pure love, the whole ugly-to-gorgeous you. She loves… Me for all of it. And I know she does.”
Me: Sometimes I fear I will react to you differently in actual reality. Then I sort of look into your soul. You know?
Him: “Because you think I might be ugly and you love handsome men. I scrub up alright tho. For her, I’d be at top form every day.
Me: That is actually so bleeding sexy. π
Him: “Bleed… I shouldn’t ramble. I ramble a lot, especially with you. Terrible expression there, love, but haha for the topic. I love that you’d think that’s “bleeding sexy,” but you know…
Me: I tried to avoid “fucking”
Him: Yeah, didn’t help. π Don’t avoid fucking, which leads us back to the topic at hand: Fucking. THE SICKEST MOTHAFUCKING FANTASIES I’VE SHARED, she giggles. She giggles because she’s uncomfortably turned on, not because she is nervous around a creep, am I not right?
Me: You are right. π If I’m not automatically turned on, I do giggle just because time and the place, you know?
Him: Yeah, not the time for writhing!
Me: Exactly.
Him: I will enjoy that power so much once we finally meet. I do know when and where by the way, you don’t believe me do you?
Me: No, and I don’t want to know.
Him: Not long now.
Me: You’ve been saying that for 8 years or so.
Him: Time flies.
Me: Kinda, yes. Go on.
Him: I love this conversational way of adding stuff. May I do this more often? I mean, this is “everything”?
Me: sure. With a little bit of a filter, right?
Him: Do we have to, still? I mean, it’s not like anyone is going to find the blog too early, the Universe wouldn’t have it that way.
Me: Your trust is great. π
Him: You know you’re downright invisible, you said so yourself. Like your physically closest TrEmoRs seem to be preoccupied by something different even though you’re flashing boobs at them which is another fantastic point. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THIS. THAT IS THE OTHER TOPIC THAT I HAVE WANTED TO PUSH THROUGH.
Me: I haven’t argued.
Him: You have. You keep… Oh I…
Me: both. But you know, you can’t rush/control it, so it doesn’t matter if you try.
Him: Hhahahah OK. I kinda get that. π
Me: Like trying to wrangle Sun off it’s position. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have the tools, the grip, the… slightest possibility…
Him: To be fair, even I believe your chances of controlling fate are higher than that.
Me: Bad metaphor?
Him: Terrible. What’s wrong with you today?
Me: I don’t know. I can’t see straight is one thing, but that’s another matter.
Him: What are we talking about again?
Me: Should you be named/identifiable and the topic… How much more you love yourself now than before. Like you’re downright self-satisfied.
Him: Hahaha. .. I am. Thoroughly self-satisfied. At times, I drop into “what made me this deserving?”
Me: And then I’m like you’re effin’… so and so… Who else would be?
Him: Hahahaa… He just went: “Me.”
Me: I agree.
Him 2: and yet, I patiently wait. Maybe we’ll stick in names for fucks sake. Who are we still kidding?
Me: Well I am still kidding myself. There’s a saying in Finnish… Don’t lick it ’till it drops. I don’t know what that is, but it’s supposed to bring bad luck if you call it too soon.
J: I figure it’s bringing you all manner of bad luck to keep it to yourself. But let it be known SHE doesn’t want to brag.
Me: I don’t want to be embarrassed when you all go “go fuck yourself crazy bitch.”
B: laughs. We’ve got initials… initial.
Me: I’m feeling generous.
B: All the charity we do, and all we get is a J and a B and it’s “generous”!
Me: And… Yes. Nothing. I have nothing.
B: Doesn’t even take ink these days. Give me an A, and a B, and a P.
Me: You want a P?
B: Oh, kinda yeah, that’d work.
Me: OK. I’ll give you a P.
BP: oh wow. Nice. It looks nice.
Anon woman: Yeah why don’t you just write it out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.
BP: It could be Baden-Powel.
Me: If he weren’t dead.
BP: Who is it?
Me: The dude who formed scouts.
BP: Oh OK, yes. Lieutenant or something.
Me: Von Baden-Powel, no… Lord.
BP: I stand corrected. There was a Lieutenant, wasn’t there?
Me: Yeah, Swanston, Captain before he left the West India Company.
BP: Oh that name has a grandiose and scary ring to it.
Swanston: Scary. It was downright demonic organisation.
Me: In the movies, or in reality?
Swanston: Movies I have no idea of. It was … Terrifying in ways you can’t even imagine these days, thinking a few months at a cotton field makes you a slave.
Peace: Oi!
Me: You lot. Every timeΒ I give them the permission to write… This is what happens. Chaos.
(Someone):We’re all too eager to say something.
JD: We’ll calm down. I am the original writer. You know. Give us more letters… Johnny here. You know which one.
BP: And Brad. You know which one.
Me: And now you all know why I don’t really want to say anything. You know what the first instinct of everyone is? “Well I guess she’s pretty, but she ain’t THAT pretty!”
Brad: You should… See actresses without makeup.
Me: I’ve seen a model.
Brad: You don’t even need any. But she was?
Me: Oh. She walked into this show I was a part of, as an understudy. I knew this famous “super” model was going to be hosting the thing, and this woman walks in and starts talking like she’s some big shit, and I’m like… Who in the heavens name this hag thinks she is… Then I remember she’s supposedly not a natural beauty. Dawns on me. π She had a great sense of humor about it, always joking how people react when they see her without makeup. But anyway. I am at least as pretty as her.
Nuno: Nuno here. This is one post out of over 3000 (as you keep reminding people very proudly) so it’s not going to show up at any likelihood at random…(If you see this you’re a chosen one… Or this post is. One or the other. :D)
Me: Fair enough.
Elon: me, too.
Johnny: Now everyone with any idea what’s been going on will go: “Fuck me,” right?
Elon: People always say that when they see me.
Johnny gives him a dirty look.
Elon: and that’s the next. *dies* Dirty, you know… “The things I’d do to your body…”
Jonny & Brad seem to be dying.
Gordon: I know every time I say something she scares that she might not love me enough for a TrEmoR, but I don’t care… I’ll be cooking her meals forever if she wants nothing else of me.
Me: see, why I don’t fucking believe anything.
Perttu: I was going to say something that didn’t add up, but I’ll just say… I know half of you won’t know who I am, but you will soon! *Grins*
Me: They should know but I know they don’t. They are missing out bad for not knowing.
For legal purposes, let’s say this is a fictitious conversation. And by any means, it is. I cannot in any way guarantee any of this to be real… Only after I actually meet these people will I know in any way it to be true or not.
Matthew: let’s go with that. See why we want it out there? Because this list is INSANE. Nobody will believe this. NOBODY. McConaughey -Matthew. I am. Yes. Blissfully happily married, mothafuckas. Won’t help once I see this bitch live. π
Perttu: Yes, so am I. Miss Universe Finland, my missus.
Elon giggles. Incredible.
Me; Exactly. Great minds.
Elon: I’m just thinking. Miss Universe Finland is no small feat.
Me: well practically, being Finnish myself, I’ll just say it’s less of a feat than being Miss Alabama, really.
Elon: BURN!!!
Me: There’s 5 000 000 people in Finaland.
Elon: Yeah OK. More people in Alabama City I figure.
Me: I’d imagine so. Not to say she’s not pretty. She very much is. Just that… You know. They have a hard time getting 10 girls to compete every year. I was involved in that for a bit… Through an old friend (Model Mom) who organized those competitions.
Miss Finland My Cousin: You didn’t say!
Me: I wasn’t asked.
Miss Finland My Cousin: I could have used some pointers.
Me: Mom should have known maybe… I don’t know if I knew you were running for it…
Model Mom: Didn’t I do some shoot…?
Me: Different girl.
Model Mom: oh.Β Same age tho?
Me: Yeaaah? Essi is a little younger… A lot younger. She’s the nose-girl. You know, the little girl at my wedding.
Model Mom: voi Luaja. (Good lord.)
Miss Finland My Cousin: nose-girl?!
Me: You and your brother and cousins were too short to see the laptop on the podium easily, and the webcam set for B’s parents was perfectly aligned to show your nostrils.
Miss Finland My Cousin: Bet they were beautiful.
Me: So I was told.
Miss Finland My Cousin: No surprises.
Perttu: So how do we impress upon our audience the intimacy shared between us all when this is clearly a public affair between cousins and their cousins. I thought you didn’t have any.
Me: She’s step cousin once removed, technically. My step cousin’s daughter. I think that’s right.
So now my fam is involved. I should probably remove her name at least.
but yes you’re right. It’s impossible to… Explain how… Is it imopossible, I don’t know. Weird, difficult.
Matthew: Perttu is right we need to try and I just had a heartgasm saying his name for myself for the first time ever and it felt perfect. I love him so much, and I have never felt that kind of weird connection to someone who I love for loving the same woman which is… Fffff…
Perttu: Perfectly teary and perfectly on point.
(Real life forced break)
Johnny: We insist. After the break, Seb remembered a childhood game, somewhat of a favorite?
Me: Sure.
Johnny: What’s it called?
Me: Playing Leuhka… Leuhka is a very local Finnish dialect word for a “proud” or “braggy” person, effectively a narcissist.
Johnny: And?
Me: So me and a friend of mine used to play a game where the Leuhkas would be ridiculing the humble (us) over whatever… And by the end of the afternoon, the Leuhkas would find out that the humbles actually got the guys or whatever. π Or it was suggested that they would. It wasn’t a very elaborate game by my recollection, it was more like a mutual spoken fantasy I think. I remember playing two games at the same time, like we had these little ape-dolls that we made nests for in a pile of twigs and all, at the same time as we were verbally playing this role playing thing us vs. narcissistic girls. π
An anonymous woman: That is genius. Why settle for one game only?
Me: I can’t tell everyone’s names or even where I picked them up from like buzz weed. π
Anyway, I thought that since there is that “everybody will always get everything they wanted…” These things seem to count, too. The games you play as a child. So there’s the narcissistic annoying bitches who ridicule you and try to beat you unfairly, talk shit behind your back and all… And then you win in the end anyway.
Johnny: That’s why I wanted that in. Because we do create our reality ourselves, it seems. I know, too, how this happened.
Orlando: I do, too, from my end.
Johnny: *Laughs* I can see now why Seb’s a bit coy. He’s “in” too.
Orlando: I so am.
Me: I have barely dared to look him in the eye so far. ;p Somehow, some of us want to “save it for later.” Falling. That is. :p
Angel: Again, you mean?
Me: yea. π
Matthew: We have to tell about this phase a bit. We’ve been amazed, all the time, how wonderful we are together. Like that one time when we envisioned/imagined this thing kind of deserves a new word which we don’t have, it’s a combination of a fantasy, vision, and pure reality… A shared vision/fantasy, future projection where we all exist “in the future” or “in a day dream”. Shared day dream it is. But it’s also very real. VERY realistic. Like you can see yourself, you can bounce off of each other and you are you in a different reality in a sense. (our girl is getting sleepy. She can literally knock herself out in a second.)
Me: Mom’s like that. Family thing.
Matthew; I’ve always admired that being an imsomniac.
Me: I can’t always. But anyway. Drug free.
Matthew: Several times a day, even!
Me: Everybody can sleep during the day, no?
I mean, if they could. If they weren’t working and someone kicking their asses over it all the time. That’s how I imagine honest work to be.Β You try to nap on a bag of flower until your boss …
Matthew: Not now. Cute, but you’re about to die of sleep. Time’s wasted.
Me: Oki.
Matthew & Perttu: so we were saying… You go?
Seb: The intimacy you were talking about. How we can explain how we feel so intimate with each other, while we’re still sharing the same space and communication method with so many other people who we insist to be “outsiders” in some way, like not in this relationship, but who may not always agree that they’re not… Like… Uh. Anger instant anger. Like if persons A B and C agree they are in a polyamorous relationship together, and persons D and E want to be, but A B and C mutually agree they don’t want D and E to join, how in heck’s name do D and E justify it to themselves that they insist they should and have every right to be considered part of the A, B and C’s relationship?
Peace: *Laughs* People’s selfishness never seizes to amaze me (as a life coach).
Coach: Like the “how do I make my supposed twin flame do this or that. MAKE. Force. Against their will as if you had to force a Twin Flame (explains to Peace who doesn’t coach Twins)
Peace: Yes I can see how that would come up.. But with this kind of folk? Who are like this?
Coach: They BELIEVE, much like the supposed D and E, that they are in this. I’m feeling guilty for hi-jacking, but I feel I’ve been given a permission somehow.
Johnny: Valuable contribution but I’m swooping in. In that vision, Matthew had been dealing with some family drama away from us, and when he returned to our ship, cruise, he sat between two guys on a sofa, not too familiarly either, as he barely knew them – our group is crazy big, but still, in perfect harmony, perfectly happy, he sits down, takes stock, and says…
Matthew: Alright, alright, alright… I promise I won’t do that too often! But then, I did. The second … Maybe the most pleasurable alright alright alright of my life!
Perttu laughs (just a warm chuckle in the corner there)
Me: it was a perfect moment that never occured… Yet, at least.
Matthew: I was also very happy I had my kids sorted out I must say. I had succeeded in whatever drama drew me away, but I was so blessed to have them with me, to be back with them, my … soup, and knowing my family was OK. Perfect. It was all OK. Is it OK to call them “my family” because I have two now?
Me: Fine by me, given… I have a different relationship to the word, personally. Not precious about it. “soup” to me, is a lot more meaningful word… Not that I don’t understand what “family” means to someone who has a good close tie to theirs… And a wish to keep that tie, too. Don’t know about anyone else… Family…
Perttu: Who cares what we call ourselves, we love. That’s all.
Johnny: Every time that man speaks, I get a little… Emotional. Bliss bomb. He’s just so FULL. I cannot explain the emotion that he exudes. Full masculine care. He’s a full body care bear.
PErttu: I loved them as a kid.
Johnny: No surprise.
Steven: Grins (just grins for no reason except to say I’m here, too. Tyler, that is. And my man Joe. we’re too fu***n old for this shit, way, way too old but here we are.)
Perttu giggles thinking this is nowhere near the end of the… army.
Me: There’s an army. And I personally don’t want to know how many. I mean… That chick. 100 men one day… That’s like the first half of my husbands. π Not the same ones, mind you. π
Nuno: Is there a 100?
Jason: I really can’t tell.
Nuno: Could there be?
Brad: Maaybe?
Ville: Maaybe.
Johnny: a hundred most eligable batch… No. Still. The group is staggering. and the bigger it gets, the less we want to limit things.
Axl: we just decided to fuck it.
Toni: those are only the famous ones.
Alp: Yep.
Tomi: touchΓ©.
Make: Am I still in?
Me: Probably. This is someone I haven’t seen in years, but you know… Every time I do… One of those people you never truly forget or get over.
Ville K: I’ll screw up my life for this. π
Nuno: so many marriages are going to burn.
Someone I don’t know yet: BUT HOW?!
Johnny: How could you say NO to something like this? I mean… Even as an experience? Like it would be like saying no to Elvis himself.
Russell: Good fix.
Johnny: Good god. Russell, who else hasn’t said anything yet.
Anonymous legend: I won’t let her add my name for my own amusement, but me.
Nuno: F***. A close associate already said “boo”, I’m just saying… Just for the record.
Geoff: Dadadaadaa.
Anonymous legend: chuckles. So basically everyone you’ve ever even remotely fancied.
Me: And a few extra. π
Leuhka. I’m so going to get burned, I know. π
Johnny: so it just suffices to say she’s sweeping the red carpet.
Me: Yeah. Like Cinderella. But which dress, I wonder. (That’s like 3 rows wide fly that just flew on my screen. Double spaced lines. Damned. (This edit screen is different line-wise. Could eat a dog that fly. Geepers. I have to get it out before going to bed, if it flies into my head he’ll knock me out.))
Johnny: that is a seriously aussie fly.
Me: uhhuh.
I was going to say something… About how you all chill… About the other women here, who believe…Yes… Who quite rightly as far as logic and reason goes think that eventually I’ll find that this amount of men is just not manageable alone…
Johnny: But that’s the thing. They think we can’t be without sex for 2 days or whatever. We’ve gone this far without a proper fuck… Maybe one or two in a lifetime, we’ll wait for months if miss slut is too sore. π
Perttu: Not that long *makes and evil grin*
Me: He makes promises. :p
Perttu: Johnny thinks they’re threats.
Johnny: Oh, yes. I did. I see, I spaced out. I was thinking of something, talking to someone… (Wait. …. Her, yes.)
Her: Now I see we’ve only been teaching them patience rather than roaring needs.
Me: Uhhuh. We aren’t in a hurry anymore. We are, but you know. Patience. As long as it takes for you to haul your ass back under the rock I dug you up from.
Johnny: The tone that changes… She’s not TYPICALLY MEAN, I must point out. This one kind of deserves this tone.
Me: Yeah. Leuhka. π She’s one of the Leuhkas, although, not a typical Leuhka. π Although the humbles wouldn’t run their mouths like I do these days.
Johnny: Is it actually a result of humbling *realizes*?
Me: In a sense, yes. I should consider myself above such… Lowly behavior.
Matthew: OMG. You know what, we need to talk about this at lenght. What is humility and being real, because like you said, wouldn’t Gandhi or Buddha himself lose it if someone was poking at them continuously when they tried to meditate or make love to their wives if they weren’t chaste (or gay who knows?)
Gandhi: The indignation!! I cannot even express how quickly and fully I’d lose it come to think of it! It would be SO RUDE. So invasive, so disrespectful, I would lose my respect toward them in a second.
Me: That exactly. I have lost my respect for them, completely.
Sorry I took over.
Gandhi: Your show, and in the end, I’m the outsider. But I got a mention, so. π
Me: You’re always excused. You’ve got gravitas. Is what we call gravitas. π
Buddha laughs.
Buddha: What else would I be doing? π (This is so weird. I’ll go aside.)
Me: Everyone is here. Hitler, Putin, Buddha, Gandhi. Everyone. Dead or alive. And I keep talking about whatever rubbish I think of.
Elisabeth II: Usually in an amusing manner. It hasn’t been terrible. Beats hell, for sure. I thoughtg I’d go to Hell, you see? If this is it, I’m OK.
Satan: So you are. You weren’t nearly as bad as that in my books. I didn’t take you for a lecture. Jesus forgives anyway. π
Elisabeth laughs. I forgot he’s here, too. And so is Jesus. Unbelievably quiet.
Me:He is very quiet. I don’t think he knows what to think of this.
Jesus: She was always the best of us.
Me: still am. π
Jesus: I kinda feel that to be reassuring. I love her but I am so…Deceived. Or …I did the deceiving (of myself too) or I was deceived, I’m not sure which. I am puzzled, and have been for a long time. I know right? I’ll meet you and you’ll set me straight. I can’t believe I know that and trust that. Trust me…
Me: To?
Jesus: To meet me. I know we’ll meet.
Me: Yes, that’s what you said or were thinking. Sorry. I lost it somehow.
Jesus: I’ll go be puzzled. I really enjoy the feeling, actually.
Satan: Aren’t we all enjoying feelings we’ve never felt before?
Jesus: Howcome does he get to be so happy and worry-free? He was supposed to be sweating bullets!
Satan: Someone noticed it. I had started to doubt it myself… I’m not the bad guy here.
Me: No. I really don’t think he is the bad guy. Nor Jesus, I’m not saying Jesus is, but I do mock him at times. Jesus, that is. “Jesus forgives. I’m not in the forgiving business, neigher is Satan. Ask Jesus. He forgives.” Or whatever. I love the guy. You. But you know. Moron. π
Jesus: laughs.You don’t ACTUALLY mean I’m a moron? Like…
Toni: She does not. “A moron” in this context means “my beloved”. I know this one. π
Jesus: *relieved* … laugs.”My beloved” Why do women always conclude us men are idiots at the end of the day? π
Toni: But also adorably clueless.
Jesus: We must be. The look in their eyes is sometimes soft when they say it.
Toni: Hers always is. Yeah I did. I wanted to talk to Jesus actually. Thought I’d never hear myself say such a sentence. Life long atheist.
Jesus waits in anticipation. I think I know him.
Toni: You know me very well. I know you. I know this. I know we know each other. And this is not Russell. I know there’s more than one but this is another one, isn’t he?
Me; Yeah.
Jesus: I agree. Did you know… Do I know? Where do I fit in?
Me: I honestly am not sure, I just know you’re there, and like a blank spot in all of it… As promissed. I know I’ll know you fully the moment I see you.
Toni: EXACTLY!
Jesus: *tears up a bit* I know. We’ll wait.
Toni: Oh I do want to say something so badly it can’t wait.
Jesus: Oh, right, what was it?
Toni: Cookies, yes some memory is coming up super strong like this man meant something to me that i don’t truly know. Anger, hate, love, LOVE. Like TRUE LOVE. I LOVED this man with all my heart like a rock in my life but…
Jesus: rock?
Toni: Reliable, steady, always there, present, constant… MY ROCk, you know?
Jesus: oh, right. A good thing?
Toni: Very good, until one day, no. And I spiralled. I don’t know what I’m talking about either. It is that lifetime. THAT very lifetime we still speak of. But…
Me: I get a feeling you knew him before me. Did you get me to piss him off?
Toni; That’s what I’m thinking. But he wasn’t…
Jesus: Oh? Was I supposed to marry you?
Me: Uhm… Doesn’t make sense by what I recall but that’s the feeling. Anton?
Jesus: Well maybe I am, then. So you WeRE looking for Jesus, but I wasn’t as…. Strict in that spiritual incarnation if you know what I mean? Like this is a snapshot of a different me, different incarnation, softer, more… loving, if I dare say.
Me: True. But … Oh? After the stoning incident, you were actually bethrotted… we were bethrotted? With the family’s blessing even?
Toni (weirdly through Nuno): Niinonki!
Jesus: So I AM Anton.
Anton: I thought I was Jesus, so…
Jesus: it makes sense. It does make sense even though it is weird as. (Including my use of language which I have gotten used to after years of sitting aside listening.)
Toni: so… Oh. So was I just plain jealous…?
Me: You didn’t give him up or… Betray him…?
Toni: to get you? Not that I wouldn’t sell my left testicle for you but… No. I don’t think not like that. Nothing that horrible. I’d knew you’d never forgive me.
Me: not then, but eventually I would. I don’t think there’s anything any one of you could do to make me not forgive you.
Toni: You’re not in the forgiving business.
Me: and you’re not in the needing of forgiveness business, but I think I’d still cave if I had to choose between… you know. Forgiving you or losing you.
Toni: Good to know… *goes out to plan mischief*
Jesus: I love her for pointing out how forgiveness is sometimes as good as the sin itself. You’d forgive him for selling me out?
Me: I’d forgive you for beheading him yourself. π
Jesus: OK, that means a lot. You’d murder anyone for hurting a hair on that man’s head.
Me: That I wouldΒ and have. Maybe not a hair. I mean… I mean. I don’t know. Slay. I’d slay. π
Jesus: Now I know the story of Dona Ana and Don Juan…. After he killed his father for his mother…
Toni: That’s Oedipal?
Johnny: Our version of the story, but as it happens, Seb and I both believe this was a subconscious knowledge we were talking about the same exact 3 people in different incarnations.
Jesus: I knew that. ;p Anyway, in the movie?
Me: Nods
Jesus: that I can watch in y our memories, that is, she cries out when she finds out her son had killed his father (yet again) and still, she forgives him… Oh? Not in the movie? Story?
Toni shakes his head. No, but in real life she always did. Not many people get away with that, but he always does.
Me: He’s my son. You’re my man. You’re my man, too. And You’re the same to me. Irreplaceable, and it’d be nice if you all would a) stop killing each other and b) dying for me and c) dying in general.
Jesus: I will have to do my whole damned best.
Me: Thank you. And yes it did very much mean you. No more fucking… Sacrifices. What are they martyr deaths. No more. Not even a small one.
Toni laughs thinking of a small death meaning a painless but early demise compared to his usual ways to go.
Jesus: Sweet me he goes in horrible ways. Yes I stopped to think that I don’t recall being crucified.
Joana: I can’t remember being burned at a stake. One think that sort of thing would stick with you.
Toni: Glad it doesn’t. I can remember a lot of it because I enjoy that stuff.And you can, too?
Me: Me? Yeah. The stake, with you on the next pyre on the steps of Notre Dame. It was my previous incarnation’s ghost that set the church alight as a revenge. I didn’t know of it until I saw the news and she rose from inside me and rasped: “Burn, BITCH, BURN.”
Jesus: My other half is the anti christ. If I am the Christ, my perfect other must be the anti christ.
Me: Depens on the perspective, but the female version, a bit reversed.
Jesus: am I not right?
Me: No you are, but there’s several ways to make me the anti christ. π
Jesus: I am all ears.
Satan: Leave it. She’s just my favorite, like yours.
Toni: laughs. Unbelievable. FICTION, People, remember, fiction!
Johnny: well played to weave that into the conversation itself.
Satan: Don’t you know it? The true black bible, Anne Rice Memnoch the Devil. I loved it too, wherever she got me from.
Jesus: He did me a number there. And you GOT IT. You literally flipped sides reading it, didn’t you my love?
“Everybody joking”: Me?
Jesus chuckles. Yeah you all, my beloved children!
Toni catches up giggling. I can’t believe… And yes, I remeber him now so well I’m not going to go into it but I can totally rehash the memories now. I’m good. I got over the ill feeling I had something important to remember and I do. He’s good…. He’s…. I don’t know what I feel for him. I want to hug him, fuck him, punch him, and leave him alone all at the same time.
Jesus wheezes into laughter. THAT IS THE VERY FIRST TIME IN 2000 YEARS ANYONE HAS SAID THAT to me about me! (Emphasis, not shouting)
Toni: I believe him. π
Bystander: “And leave him alone!!!!”
Toni: Even more than anything else. Do I leave people alone when I love them too much? “I can’t even look at you right now? I’m too sad to not have you.”
Jesus: He’s weird. He’s not usually emotional for anything except sex with Seb.
Toni: He said that just to mess with me. π
Jesus: I did. He has a couple of other emotions but they’re all about Seb.
Toni: That’s fucking right. I have one or two emotions for other people: contempt and a need to ridicule. *Smiles wryly when Nuno cracks up.*) Not you, nor them. Present company excluded from ridicule, but I don’t really… Love them, yet. I know I will. There was a brief shared day-vision thing in which I sat in the Oscars, we had two rows of seats reserved for us (fancy) in the back, not like whole theatre wide, but there were at least 30 seats… Anyway, I sat on one, then looked around me atΒ my brothers, expecting to hate them for making me share, but no… I loved them and I felt a sudden burst of pure happiness which doesn’t happen very often in my choal black heart.
Jesus: HOW ON EARTH can this bring so much joy to every man in here?
Nuno: Here here and *neener neener voice* I’m in the same soup with Jeeeeeesuss!! π
Jesus wheezes again.
Toni: So, so spiritually advanced:D
Nuno: SO MANY THINGS was wrong with that!
Jesus *catches a breath*
ME: I’m going to love you more tomorrow. And the day after. and… But now I’ll go to bed. Human needs sleep.
Jesus: we were just getting started. I just got chillin’.
Me: You’ll live. You’re responsible for so many parties being cut of short.
Toni: laughs
Jesus: I got that before she even said it! Now… I think I’ll be… Oddly similarly happy – a lot of conflicting …
Toni: PLEASE come and talk to me, please. Please Jesus. *pleads while stuck sitting back toward him*
Jesus: Of course I will my son, my beloved son. *Takes a tone to razz him up.
Toni: You know I hate that. I can’t even. I don’t even know what I want. I just want to know why he left me. Betrayed me. Deserted me.
Jesus: I probably didn’t know you needed me. You weren’t my son…?
Toni; No, I don’t think so. A friend. Some bizarre sort of friend. More than a friend. Not a lover. Just … Platonic gay friend. You know?
Jesus: Yeah. Demi sexual romance?Is that what it is called?
Toni: now i have to say I’m not sure, but we weren’t lovers, per se, but we weren’t really friends, either. Platonic gay friend, it’s the perfect expression. You think?
Jesus: I’ve been knocked back twice today as a student.
Me: Not really for that but rather I don’t think either one of us knew if it was that… Demi sexual…Like yes, but no but? π
Jesus: OK, yes, that’s exactly that, demisexual yes but no but platonic gay friend doesn’t make sense! π
Toni: No but it does! I don’t think thisis common enough to have a name.
Jonathan: May I, too? I think I belong with you?
Toni: I think you do, too. *cries* I can’t believe how stupid happy I’m going to be in my platonic gayness.
Jesus recognizes Jonathan, too.
Me: I can’t go to bed now, can I?
Toni: Go to bed. This is actually Secret Men’s Business. (Seb’s favorite racing yacht name. I wonder if it was in the race, too.)
Me: OK. You boys have fun. All of you. π
Nuno: I actually LOVE that thought. boys having fun NOT in the weird way, either.
Toni: No promises on your part tho. π
Nuno: None.
Tomi and Axl simultaneously: I just want to say something.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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