About True Mirror fear phase general insecurities

When faced with a True Emotion Mirror, we are soon overcome with insecurities of all kinds. Whatever we feel self-conscious about will start to play tricks on us, amongst these insecurities being “cool stuff like this never happens to me” or “there is no such thing as true love” and of course: “someone like that would never go for someone like me”. Ironically, I’ve noticed through personal experience that knowing all of this doesn’t really make things easier, because now I’m super conscious about how easily THEY will bolt even if I can control my own fears! I become bolder, they’ll bolt faster!

True Mirror relationships are rare because of this very reason; we are so afraid of having found the exact thing we were looking for and losing it, that we simply opt out on walking away now while we still have some self-respect left. Another route we might take is to try and keep things casual in the hopes that the other one would slowly fall in love with us, but they will take this as a sign that you are only interested in sex with them and that will make them withdraw while they still have some self-respect left…

So many things about you compared to them is wrong in your mind. You’re too good looking and they’re only interested in your looks or you’re not good looking enough. You have a too solid job (boring job) or you don’t have a proper job (insecure job), you have too much money (materialistic) or you don’t have enough (lazy), and your background is all wrong and and and… Unlike with an Enigma or Partial Mirror, you see YOURSELF being wrong kind for them, rather than them being wrong for you, and you wish you could wave a magic wand that would make yourself the right way over night. You DO want to change FOR them, no matter how proud you are of yourself, they bring out something in you that you haven’t focussed on or haven’t focussed on enough, and if you are brave enough to even entertain the thought of a relationship, you do want to make an effort.

(Side tracked: When you do feel the need to change them, you rather want to change the circumstances they live in, rather than the person themselves, you feel you want to free them from the confinements of the way they live or have been brought up rather than try to change them into something you’d like. You want to give them options and open new doors for them because you see something beautiful in them that others have either been trying to control or remove as a flaw. Example: A normal partner thinks: “If you’d dress better you would get a better job.” A True Mirror thinks: “If you could dress the way you LIKE TO instead of what your boss thinks you should wear, you’d be a lot happier!” A True Mirror is the ultimate enabler, they have an instinctive need to get you into trouble, coax you to break the rules and to do something you always wanted to do but never dared to – or they would like to… if they were brave enough to talk to you. A normal partner does the exact opposite, tries to motivate you to take a role of some kind, a role that was already in place before you came along to fill it. A normal partner wants you to fit into a ready made pair of shoes, a True Mirror wants to get you a pair made to measure – in the exact style you like them, no matter how crazy. A normal partner: “you probably shouldn’t… Things can go wrong…” a True Mirror: “Go do it! I know you can!”)

In the fear phase you do have an instinctive knowledge that they are ready to bolt from you, but you are very likely to misunderstand their motivations of doing so. Sometimes we know in our hearts that our True Mirror is OURS and that even if they do bolt, they’ll be back later, but with an Undecided (previously Potential) Mirror (about to turn True), we don’t have that previous life confirmation yet that they will come back, nor the need to do so that was born out of life times growing roots into each other. On the positive note, they are easier to live without even though you can’t get over them, but you know how to exist without them, a True Mirror is a harder one to live without because your soul doesn’t know how to breathe without them.

If you DO see “a flaw” that you cannot help but are fearful that you might not be able to cope with it – such as a huge age difference, physical anomaly or lets say, a racial difference, you will want to work through it and learn to love these characteristics about the person. You’ll find their age exciting after a while, their physical anomalies interesting and beautiful and their race the most proud you’ve ever come across with. These “flaws” are mainly pre-held ideas of what kind of a package love should come in, and you have to work through the loss of fantasy when reality strikes, and find that the reality of was much more interesting than the fantasy. However, since you are in love with the soul that occupies the body, all of these things will fall off if you are brave enough to look at them honestly. (You might avoid looking into it honestly because you don’t want to acknowledge that you do see a flaw and that will ignite the fear that this might not be a True Mirror and you’d have to let go of them.) For the note: These “flaws” are always superficial, about status, income, physical appearance or even gender. If it is internal, you are not True Mirrors, as in, if you want polygamyORpolygynandry¹ and they monogamy, you are not each other’s ideal partners. You love what’s inside, but you have to work through your own preconceptions to accept the situation. However, it is still a question of your Authentic Self as to how much you are willing to compromise on for true love. Even true love is not the most important thing for all people, and that is fine; this is always a question of how far into the unknown you are willing to go. I, for one, will not venture into the world of bisexuality, not for anybody. To me, it’s vital importance that my partner(s) is (are) male, but I have developed a fetish for men in drag as a result of a True Mirror relationship!

Failure to show interest vs. Stalking behaviours

Ironically, when a True Mirror starts to ‘chase’ their counterpart, they will, at the slightest of provocation, think themselves as a stalker. However, an Enigma Chaser won’t stop at any amount of clues of “not interested”, which makes my blog a living hell to write. In a True Mirror situation tough, imagine a situation where both parties are playing hard-to-get, playing by the generic dating rules: “don’t call too early, don’t be too eager, don’t do this don’t do that” and both are just as certain they have to play the game in order to get anywhere with the other, who simply wishes the other one would give them the slightest of hint that they are falling for them just as hard as they themselves are… When the other pulls back all the time or both of them, it is easy to draw a conclusion that “sorry, I’m just not that into you”.

When things don’t progress towards complete surrender, both parties are very likely to pull out of the game before they get in too deep and appear desperate and needy.

The phone won’t ring

There is a high probability that the True Mirror won’t call you as often as you’d like. This is due to two things: They want to avoid feeling needy and clingy and want to save face. Secondly, they maybe out living a busy life, and not be able to call or text, and when they’d have a moment, they remind themselves that they wouldn’t normally be that eager so they should not keep fondling the phone all the time now, either. “She/he already thinks I’m a freaking lunatic, I better not ring yet. Maybe in 3 days or so.” The other one is trying to control their urge to do the same, and will let time pass – and as this goes on and on, they both arrive to the same wrong conclusion: “They are just not that into me.”

Rejection now or later

A True Mirror fears rejection. It doesn’t matter who they are or how confident they normally are; when they are faced with their True Mirror, they start counting days to how long it takes the other one sees right through them. The longer this goes on, the more psychological barriers can be put in place to avoid the uncomfortable truth of not being loved, and this can result into a whole lot of imagined flaws in the other party. They are starting deliberately see the bad things about you, and if they can’t find any, they’ll invent them.

The Others

Then what about the competition out there? This is another “reason” that True Mirrors pull back from the game for. Their True Mirror is too popular, there’s too many “takers” as it is, many of them younger, better looking, fitter, richer – you name it, and why would this amazing person settle for someone like me? Even chivalry, presumed dead, can rear it’s ugly head and the True Mirror graciously withdraws from the game prematurely, so that a better man / woman can have the one they so desperately want for themselves.

Fear in other type of Mirrors (just for comparison)

Healing Mirror

No fear at all.

Precious Soulmate*

You fear they might reject you because you don’t want a sexual relationship with them if trying to make a Core Mirror into a True one, otherwise very similar fears to True Mirror but in the context of friendship (even between family members!! “My brother doesn’t want to hang out with me, he’s too cool for that.”)

Trail Companion*

Practically no fear, or the fear is manageable or selfish. “Nobody wants me”, “I don’t think even he/she wants me (and I’ve lowered the bar so much already)”

Enigma Runner

The fear is for the other person: “I don’t know if I should get involved because I fear I might hurt them when this is over, but everyone always says you have to give people a chance.”

Enigma Chaser

Enigma Chaser has demanding insecure fears: “They might not see how much I love them.” “They might never change so that they are ready for love like this.” “Are they doing their part of the spiritual work?” “They will fall for some idiot who is ready to give them everything they want, I’m sure of it!” (Oddly enough, I believe an Enigma Chaser MIGHT be in love with a True Mirror but have these type of fears prominent in their system, and for as long as these are the questions plaguing their mind, they cannot ever even begin the process of reunion with the other person. The Enigma Chaser must be dealt with before the True Mirror relationship can even return to the actual fear phase!) They have their eyes like daggers on their object looking for flaws and signs of non-compliance in them. To them, the runner is not doing their share of the bargain, and the fear is very irritable.

In the event of a relationship with a person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The fears come in the form of fearing for one’s own safety (or reputation) in the case that you might leave them. “I don’t know what he’d do to me/themselves if I left them.” An NPD keeps you hooked by the fear of hurting you or themselves if you leave them. Initially, you would have fought off feelings of lying to yourself and trying to convince yourself that this is the real deal. (With a True Mirror, you try to convince yourself that this is NOT the real thing and it’s OK to let them go.)

If you had a NPD you would be afraid of losing face in the eyes of other people (your church, your friends, your colleagues) if your partner dared to leave you / shame you for any reason. (They don’t matter, they are simply there to keep up appearances.)

1. Depending on context. Some time ago, I used the term polygamy to mean either the generic concept of polygamous marriage or a MM+FF+ -type marriage or poly-committed relationship. 

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