Adults who feel pressured to have sex by cultural expectations

You may have heard of adult babies and asexuals, but you might have missed the group of people who are really neither, whose interest in sex is so mild that they do not even wish to give themselves a label to explain their disinterest, but who feel like it is abnormal to want sex so much and feel pressured to have sex when they form relationships…

Some years ago I was a part of a hobby group that collected people of all ages. My two best friends in that group were a 12-year old girl and a 50-year old woman, while I was in the middle; 35ish. One day, I noticed something funny, sort of naughty in nature, raunchy even, and my first instinct was to turn to the 12-year old to share it because she would get the joke easily. I corrected myself and shared it with the 50-year old instead, who, naive as she is, without thinking relayed it to the 12-year old, who, to not surprise me at all, shrieked in the delight of the humor of it, without getting fussed at all.

Her birthday cards were entirely too raunchy for a 13-year old, given by people who weren’t even thinking about it, even though I had to continually remind people and myself that she is just 13. The 50-year old, however, she was inexperienced. Her attitude towards sex and sexual relationships was as naive as you’d expect from a real 12-year old, or perhaps someone even younger. She giggled at the thought of a man, she had never used a sex toy, (I got her first as she asked me to get her one, and it felt like a getting a vibrator for a 15-year old) and she was completely new to all of it.

On a hindsight, I would say it would  have been best to keep it that way because it seemed like paedophilia getting involved in her sexuality – even if it was her who expressed the need to learn and be taught. I am glad, however, that she was never systematically abused, nor strongly pressured to have sex even if she had had a scare when she was younger, so she still had a healthy, happy curiosity about it, even though she talked about it like a school girl. (There is a thought for someone who does get excited about the idea of teaching someone naive; there are grown people like that around who might actually benefit from loving guidance to sexuality.)

Women like this have an unrealistic self-image

People like this pop up every once and again. An unrealistic self-image is one of the signs; completely naive approach to sexual relationships: “He hugged me after my grandmother died, therefore he is my boyfriend.” Women who believe without a shadow of a doubt that any man would sleep with any woman given the opportunity to, and men who kind of feel the same way about women, although men are being made much more aware of their failures as a man than any woman will ever have to face in this world. (They can turn rapist, men of this kind because they believe that “if I am turned on by you, therefore you are turned on by me and ready for sex.”)

This society is very careful not to insult a grown woman compared to the glee with which particularly women inform men of their lacks and failures without a second thought, women of this type can go through their entire life without realizing that they cannot, quite, measure up to Marilyn Monroe. (Heartache pending, with no clue how or why they get rejected all the time.)

Normal adults should be careful not to push a sexual relationship on these people despite their age

I am telling you this, because as adults, we have a tendency of trying to push people into happy sexual relationships and marriages, but there are people who feel pressured to have sex. They would probably be better off being sheltered from the entire idea, and to be kept in a loving and caring environment as much as possible.

The trouble is… They are A LOT to take on, and you’d have to really truly love them in order to take them in as a friend even. I also don’t recommend making friends with them without thinking it through if you can sense this about someone because the end of the relationship, to them, is an end of the world kind of thing and they can turn really nasty if someone ends a friendship with them… They simply do not understand such treatment or reasons for it, even if you try your hardest to explain that your home is not their home and they cannot come and go as they please. They are not only naive about sex, they are also naive about everything else, and all they want is a bosom friend, someone they can cling onto for everything in life.

Less extreme people also exist

However, not everyone who should be kept from sex is such an extreme case. Many people are happy without sex, without making them asexual necessarily. It’s just that they’d rather avoid it. Pushing people to sexual relationships “because it is normal” is not going to make this transition any easier, just like trying to push people into losing weight or getting a job never works to anyone’s favor, by the way.

It is also a problem that while sex bloggers and sex educators wish to liberate people; to give people the permission to have sex their own way without feeling limitations, the people who feel reluctant to have sex feel that is a REQUIREMENT in a relationship. Imagine reading BDSM tips intended for the wildest of the wild, the kinkiest of the kinksters, when you don’t even want to give a guy a blowjob, thinking that “OK this is what is EXPECTED of me in a relationship”. These people feel there is a right way to be a person, and the more noise people make about sex, the more pressured they feel to want it or like it and feel continually failing on demands.

What is it about?

These people, by the way, are born perfectly normal. The woman I mentioned, had a barrage of tests at a young age to determine what was the cause of her naivety. They at least couldn’t find anything wrong with her. This goes together with my observation of others, especially milder cases, who seem to be completely normal in any way, but who act like adolescents or babies when it comes to sexuality.

My opinion is, that what this is about is that some of us are born older than others. We are of different soul age, some of us have spent millions of years in sexual relationships, while some of us have not. Some souls are truly “young” while some are ancient, some of us awaken surprisingly young, some not at all. Sexual awakening happens at a certain age of the soul, just as we expect it to happen at a certain physical age – but simply doesn’t always, or happened much earlier than the expectation – not that anyone wants to talk about that much.

Even if your soul was 6 years old in their emotional state, perfectly normal 6 years old, their body will age beyond the age of the spirit. Some people develop sexually at a rapid pace compared to these people, MUCH MUCH MUCH faster than what child psychology accepts to be possible without a pedophilic experience.

They may wish to be shown how

Many of these people, like the woman I described, wish someone to show them how. They are insecure about how sex works. These women would love a group environment to sez, as they often feel very nervous about being in a room alone with just one person. This sounds backward, but they take solace in knowing there’s someone watching over and can intervene if someone is taking things too far or they need help.

People like this should probably aim for a polygamousORpolygynandrous relationship, where they can share their sexuality with their best, most trusted friends.

Unfortunately, it would be terribly easy to take advantage of a person in this mindset, they may be completely malleable (the Normal Person* thinking) and believe whatever their partner decides to tell them is “normal”. Then again, this is probably how most women in distant history were indoctrinated into sex; their husband fully decided what is normal. Some of us liked it. :p

If you feel pressured to have sex by cultural norms

If you are one of those people who feel pressured to have sex, you might want to know that there are a lot of people who feel pressured TO NOT have sex and to be far more prudish than what they actually are about it. They do not feel the society is “over-sexualized” but by contrast prudish and narrow-minded, even fearful about sex and sexuality, and that what people consider normal sex is a very short list of things in comparison to their wishes. Therefore, the point of view differs vastly from a person to person, and you should not feel pressured to do things like everyone else. The logical way to deal with this is to find a partner who feels the same way towards sex as you do. They are out there, and it will become as a relief to a lot of people, men who are not interested in sex especially if they find someone who boldly says they are not really that sexual at all. Men like this feel the pressure many times stronger, as the value of a male is so closely linked to his sexuality.

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