Polyamorists often feel proud of feeling no jealousy over their partners. However, jealousy can be a powerful aphrodisiac to people who are used to having everyone by the snap of their fingers, and who feel that they are having things a little too easy at times… and love the idea of having same-gender partners who are equal to them and well equipped to stealing attention from them at times…

Polyandry: FMM+ (all equal live-in partners)
Polygyny: MFF+ (all equal live-in partners)
Polygynandry: MM+FF+ (all equal live-in partners)

Polyamory: Anything non-exclusive by each polygon’s definition (possibly unequal partners: husbands and boyfriends being a different thing, both potentially multiple, etc.)

The ideal of no jealousy

Most polyamorous people swear by the rule of no jealousy. You are supposed to concur your jealousy, to suppress it, and to make it go away. If you fail, the others will look at you like a rotten cucumber and say you are not a real poly. That, to me, is utter rubbish!

The way a natural polygamist works is that he or she ENJOYS the feeling of jealousy, not suffer from it. If one suffers from feelings of jealousy, they might be in the wrong type of relationship, or they haven’t learned to enjoy the emotion yet. When the relationship itself isn’t solid enough, a person fears losing the person they are jealous about, but the enjoyable jealousy is the feeling of being… almost in too comfortable in one’s position, something that highly attractive and popular people may feel a lot: Too much certainty. When you know, you can have anyone you want, and you have never been cheated on (but for revenge), you can start feeling a bit over-confident. That is when the feeling of jealousy and insecurity can be a welcome alternative to one’s common level of self-confidence.

In monogamy, the feeling of jealousy can be torturous: A person can be in love with two or three people easily, but if they are monogamous, they MUST choose one over the others, no matter how they feel. So they start measuring their assets logically: who has more money, who has the most reliable income, who is best with the kids, yadayayada yada. A non-monogamist doesn’t need to do this, but they can let all the people who they truly love into the relationship. If, again, one tries to be logical about his or her choices of partners, the real fear of losing one’s spot becomes a danger.

If, however, the relationship is based on natural feelings of unity, belonging, and undying love, jealousy becomes an aphrodisiac: You know you will never be thrown out, but AAAWRGH, THE KNOWLEDGE SHE OR HE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE TONIGHT! The pleasure! The sweet, raw fruit of jealousy! The torment! The fear… And when that same partner wins the long straw 2-3 nights in a row… Ah, one better step up one’s game, right?

When the partners try to control the jealousy by setting up date nights with a specific partner and put the relationship on the calendar in general, the very thing that makes poly-relationships so juicy to begin with is taken out of the game. The slight uncertainty of not knowing whether TONIGHT is my night or someone else’s combined with the knowing that if tonight I draw the short stick, I know I won’t be out of the game entirely, just that you win some, you lose some. And then you can go into the battle of getting your girl/guy back again.

I’d like teens to be polygynandrous by default.

What I feel non-monogamous people have taken from the monogamous relationship traditions that also could be used as a paper-weight by now is the idea that you HAVE TO stay loyal or in the relationship. A commitment has been given too much weight and natural wish to stay with the people you adore is not trusted enough. A commitment is an agreement people go into to protect themselves from the fear of losing someone (jealousy) but what it does is that it is tying people to potentially unnatural partners by an agreement, not by true love and adoration towards THIS person, but one of many equally OK.

If I could rewrite the default relationship forming rules, I would start by making it a norm that all teens start with a LARGE polyamorous relationship with several partners of both genders, while not assuming homosexual sex to happen, necessarily, just that all friends are free to sleep with whatever friend they feel like. This group would  naturally split into smaller groups, polyandrous, polygynous, and polygynandrous when the natural bonds develop and become something that the young adults feel right about.

Natural sub groups

The most delicious aspect of this idea is getting over the fear factor, when you really want that one guy, that one guy really wants you, but when monogamous, the threshold to talk to each other is just too high. In a polysoup it becomes this to-and-fro tease game, even though neither dares to speak to the other(s) but want to, but because they are in the same polygroup, neither would want to leave it without the other… Ah so delicious!

Feeling safety in numbers, the natural same-sex partners could team up to feel more confident with their mutual heart’s desire. (I know a thing or two about soulmates and how much they fear they won’t love you back the same way as you do…) Once these groups naturally split, the Thoroughly In Love could leave the main group without leaving anyone alone. “The left-overs” would always have someone around until they would find their own natural group.

Politeness can kill it.

One of my poly-lovers is a firecracker of fun. I call him the Fairy God-Mother despite his gender. He seems like the type that walks through your life, waves a magic wand and everything will be better… No, magical. He is also delightfully needy, he loves attention, hugs, kisses, confessions of love, praise, strokes, and caresses, unlike anyone I’ve ever met. He is a delight because he makes you feel so needed and wanted. Still, he can be a lot of work, particularly when he goes into a “oh my God, does anyone even want me here?!” fear mode. As  he is the oldest of us all, he is also constantly self-conscious about nearing the “use before” date, and that, together with the fact that there is a lot of us makes him feel like he should take the polite exit and find consolation elsewhere.

One of the reasons why I love him so is because of his NEEEDINES. I love it how he comes to me, demands attention like a purring cat. When I give him some, he truly, truly loves it. He laps it up like a cat laps up a bowl of cream. His shameless neediness is what endears me to him – even though it was me that went after him when I thought he wouldn’t want me, or us, at that stage. Still, when he fears he is not needed, he can be a lot of work…

However, the point of this is that he, too, as needy as he is, loves the competition, when he feels he is stepping on other men’s toes, he takes the back seat and tries to be polite. Then, soon, feels unwanted, and goes into a tailspin of wondering if he should leave and make everyone here sigh of relief. He fears we are still hanging onto him out of duty, not true love… The truth is, he, to us, is like the light that keeps us all here. If he wasn’t here… Would we even want each other? We might, but the void he would leave would be unbearable. Just the thought literally makes me want to die. What I want is that this old cat will tell his juniors to move aside; age before beauty!

Scheduled attention… No no.

Further, when lovemaking or time spent together is put on a schedule, to make sure everyone gets their even share… That really isn’t far from monogamy as far as I’m concerned. Sex should ignite on its own, and one of the best fire starters for a natural polyandrist male and polygynist female is the feared jealousy. Polyandrist women and polygynist men might be well put off by the idea that they would have to compete over their position all the time, but a polyandrist male and a polygynist female should light up like a Christmas tree over the thought of having got the RIGHT to be jealous and to act on their natural competitive nature.

The polygynist men and polyandrous women get excited about keeping all of their partner’s attention to themselves and keeping all competitors out of their hive, but again, a polygynist woman in the position of a polyandrist woman would  find this extremely stressful and tiring, even humiliating. All this politely orgnized attention is very… Very unsexy.

Polyandrous women and Polygynous men might not feel jealousy much.

As far as jealousy goes, polyandrous women and polygynous men feel no jealousy, by and large. They may not feel the right to, given their wandering eye. They let people go easily because they don’t have that similar sort of competitiveness about their sexuality as the polygynous women and the polyandrous men do. That, however, is about their position in the group, not an ideal that should be applied across all of them. They are rarely possessive (despite what one might think) because it would be a stressful place to be if you were possessive and constantly running around watching your flock like a herding dog.

The natural-centric figures will want to find the people who naturally flock to them, the ones who want to be there and who are completely 100% welcome. They love the challenge of being everything to more men or more women than one – it is a challenge, not an ego-trip; to make someone WANT TO be with them, despite the fact there are others, rather than TELLING THEM that if they do this or that or the other they will be coldly thrown out like disobedient dogs.

Fear of losing a lover

Jealousy is a feeling that arises when one is fearing losing a lover. There is nothing bad about fearing losing someone, even if it stemmed from internal insecurities, it is a natural feeling that, at it’s best, is the fear of losing someone for the night, to someone who you love very much… Knowing that come morning… Or once the bathroom door of the Mile High Club’s meeting room opens again, you’ll have them both back… But DAMNED they must have had fun without you! If someone feels jealousy in a relationship, that feeling needs to be addressed; where does the fear come from and is it legit? Feelings don’t come out of nowhere, and the last thing you want to do is to make someone who feel jealous feel like a second class polyamorist because “they feel wrong”.

Also, one might point out, if someone feels NO JEALOUSY at all, ever in the relationship, could it be a sign that they do not care, or that they are just sitting a tad too comfortably on their power position…?

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