Being anxious around people – Who has a problem?

I believe, that whatever your psychological profile may be, it has a LOT to do with the people who you are surrounded by on a permanent basis. This means, that if your friends are not truly people who you enjoy your time with, you will feel anxiety, anger, frustration, disconnect, you’ll feel unemotional, and detached from them. You will feel like an outsider in a group of people who do not understand you. There are people who are capable of making others feel comfortable around them, but those same people may lack the ability to return the favor too. They may even feel THEY are socially more talented because they are relaxed around a person who is not relaxed but is putting everyone else at ease. One great example of this would be Johnny Depp. Visibly uncomfortable around people, but extremely talented in putting everyone else at ease. Socially highly capable person, who rarely seems to be at ease himself.

Where does this discomfort come from?

When a socially talented person feels awkward around other people, it is usually the knowledge that they know themselves to be highly popular and well-liked while being aware that they, themselves are not going to find the individuals in the group of people very interesting or appealing to themselves. They may also be very aware that their own presence can make people nervous and have learned to counterbalance this. (They may be popular or good-looking, or otherwise have a commanding personality that others feel nervous around.) When a socially capable person puts everyone else at ease about their presence (see, I’m nice), that doesn’t necessarily translate the other way around.

Normal people have very little understanding of how to be charismatic

Highly socially talented people have a way of being charismatic around different types of people. They mix and mingle easily and are well-liked by a lot of people. This doesn’t mean that they feel comfortable around other people, like regular, average people, that are RARELY if ever capable of easing other people’s social anxieties. Just because a person feels comfortable in crowds of normal people doesn’t AT ALL mean that they are socially talented! It simply means they find it easy to be around like-minded people, because they, themselves are AVERAGE, and thus COMMON; easy to find. So when there are 10 people in the room, and 9 of them are more or less alike, the 9 will feel at ease, but the 10th maybe feel alienated and like the odd one out because THEY ARE. It is unlikely the 9 will know how to put the 10th at ease, even if the 10th, often being the odd one out, has learned how to put normal people at ease about their own presence.

Everybody is a social butterfly among their own kind!

There is no such thing as shy or awkward as a PERSONALITY trait. There is only shyness and awkwardness as a reaction to the group that person is currently in.

Imagine a highly intelligent computer nerd who finds very little to say to other people in a normal situation. Normal people would regard him as a socially awkward and inept person, right? Now, imagine him going to a Comicon or some computer tech conference where a lot of people come together to talk about computers, computer science, and other nerdy topics. You can’t shut them up! Now, you may think that this is a non-factor, as in those people don’t matter, because weirdos being weirdos together are not socially talented people, and while they may not be socially talented, they are no less talented at it than a regular human being is. People simply need common interests and a similar IQ in order to feel free to express themselves authentically and enthusiastically. There is no use trying to explain the latest ins and outs of some high-tech computer processor to a person who doesn’t even understand what that is! (No it’s not an occupation.)

Everybody feels awkward in a situation or life they don’t want to be stuck in

You CANNOT make it a person’s flaw if they feel awkward in certain situations or living a life that is unsuitable to them. It is a perfectly normal reaction to a situation that shouldn’t exist in their world. Awkwardness is not something you can pinpoint as a sign of social ineptitude, no matter who we speak of. A person with a high IQ will automatically feel awkard around people with an average IQ, simply because their experience of the world is vastly different. Neither has ISSUES, but they just don’t fit well together.

Never rely on your own observation alone of a person who is awkward around you

You must realize that if you know someone who is always awkward, it is possibly you who is making them feel awkward. You cannot observe a person firsthand without being in the room with them. If they are always feeling weird around you, then it might be your interpersonal chemistry that doesn’t work, not THEIR social awkwardness. THEY TOO know whether they are ALWAYS awkward or just awkward around you or people like you.

You know you are a social butterfly and feel always comfortable with everyone… Don’t you? If not, you’re nothing different from anybody else. If you do, the chances are that you are socially underdeveloped and don’t realize when others are not happy being near you. I am willing to bet that we all have the ability to make others uncomfortable around us, and if you have NO EXPERIENCE of such, then the likely reason is that you are simply oblivious to when that happens. If you do know how it feels like when someone is uncomfortable around you, you may have learned to employ strategies to make others feel at ease around you – but you have to notice it happen before you can do anything about it, don’t you?

(On that note, you CAN make others feel feelings. You can make others feel good, you can make them feel bad. It is perfectly fine to say someone is MAKING YOU feel a certain way, even if they are not doing it deliberately. A side note to “don’t make others feel responsible for your feelings”. Sometimes others ARE responsible for your feelings, and it can be a form of abuse to claim they’re not.)

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