Both the Survivalist* and the Idealists* get quiet when the arguing gets too vicious

It is important to make a notice, that both the Survivalist* and the Idealists* quiet down and withraw in a relationship or in a family where there is a loud argumentative person around, whether that is the Survivalist* or a Idealists*. If the Idealists* is too young or too poor to move out, or happens to own the house in which he or she, by their own miscalculation allowed the wrong person to move into, they are easily driven into silence and withrawal in that situation. If he the Survivalist* is terrified of a Idealists* who is trying to push them away, the Survivalist* isn’t moving out becuase they think they are being forced to stay, and that their spouse or parent would “kill them” if they left. Also, they may believe that the Idealists* is trying to force them to behave a certain way, and once they do behave the way they are expected to, the Idealists* will be happy and the arguments will end. However, the Idealists* doesn’t have issues with the Survivalist*’s behavior, but with their very presence.

Whichever way the situation is, when the arguing is getting too much, too heated up, both the Survivalist* and the Idealists* try to avoid confrontation if they feel they have nowhere else to go, or they believe in absolute 100% commitment or haven’t given up all hope of fixing things yet. An Idealist* pain treshold is somewhere around 6 months of moderate but continual poor behavior, the Survivalist* may take years of heavy beatings in order to prove it to themselves that they’ve done everything in their power to heal his person – but this is the WORST trait the Survivalist* have; the absolute refusal to give up on a relationship, not realizing that not everyone loves them even if they are abusive towards them.

It might be a good idea for a Idealists* (who is trying to chase the Survivalist* out) to talk to the Survivalist* between arguments in a calm tone and tell them to move out. When you do this often enough, the message might sink in that even when  you HAVE NOT lost your temper, you are “still being abusive”. If you drink, sober up, do all in your power to make moving out as easy as possible for the Survivalist*, if you really want them out, and consider your reasons if you simply enjoy watching them destroying themselves in their missguided love for you. Also, the less you care the more the Survivalist* thinks things are getting better. Don’t give them an opportunity to breath, but keep the pressure up, and try your hardest to keep the relationship from getting physical. Consider getting the police or social workers involved if you own the property you live on, and tell them that this person is forcing you into a relationship with you, mention that you believe they are mentally ill because they don’t understand the concept of a breakup, and work your way from there.

For the Survivalist*, who DOES NOT want relationships to end, stopping screaming and shouting at people would be a great first move to take. Apologize, be remorseful, be genuinely sorry for what you’ve done to your loved ones and ask how you can improve yourself and to prevent the others from leaving you the first chance they get, because that is where you are driving them towards if they are not responding to your arguing. Learn to have calm conversations and to listen to what others are telling  you, and assume they might be telling you the truth and not playing you for a fool if you believe them.

Instinct is nothing but a force of habit learned in a previous lifetime. SOMETIMES you have to question your instinct, particularly when you have been in an abusive relationship for longer than it’s worth, and you STILL believe someone is going to change and make it all better again. Although I don’t believe that there is anything inherently wrong with an abusive partner, or that they would be incapable of being an absolutely loving and caring partner to another person, I do make a STRONG POINT about things NOT CHANGING IF the tyrant in the home is a Idealists*. THEY WILL NOT STOP, nor will they change their communication style until someone is beaten to death, locked up, or, hopefully, had enough and moved out. They may, at this stage, contact their previous partner and apologize, but THIS IS NOT to invite them back in, but to close the book on the relationship permanently.

Things are more difficult when the abused person is a child of the abuser. Quiet children are often not “quiet” or “shy” but simply live with a parent who is always yelling and screaming at them, making them withraw from others, not knowing what is wrong with them, or knowing it, but also thinking that behavior makes them completely unlovable and a disapointment to their parent. An Idealist* child is much more sensitive to verbal abuse and shouting than the Survivalist* child is, as the Survivalist* is always testing their boundaries, a Idealists* is trying to not get into trouble, so when a parent yells regardless or for the smallest of reasons, (and the Survivalist* thinking parents tend to) the Idealists* thinking child feels the little they did wrong is HUGELY important to their parent and deems them unlovable to them, someone who they’d rather live without. The Idealists* thinking child is prone to running away if they get yelled at a lot, because they feel they are not wanted at home, and they should try and make their own way in the world as early on as possible to relieve the pressure from the parent to keep them fed. That is rarely what the Survivalist* parent intends to say with their verbal abuse, but that is certainly how the Idealists* child will take it. A Survivalist* parent needs to ensure their shouting is in correct proportion to the child’s behavior, and a quiet child should  never be yelled at but talked to calmly, reasoned with, and encouraged to better behavior, not intimitated to do things. They are already scared enough as it is. This should go without saying, but the Survivalist* thinking parents tend to think screaming and shouting makes them responsible parents, not tyrannical, and it is sometimes extremely difficult or impossible to convince them to stop this kind of “communication” because they love their child, and “caring”, and showing that they care (by shouting) is what they can’t stop doing.

People who are now thinking “this is not what I do… or would ever do” should probably take another, harder look at themselves and see if they do, particularly parents, who are possibly yelling and screaming to adorable children who WOULD need something different in their lives, really. If you think your the Survivalist* thinking spouse is yelling at you too much, secretly record them as they are shouting at you – then show it to them later, and see how they like their own behavior. However… If you suspect your spouse is a Idealists*, this might irritate them further rather than calm them down, because the Idealists* DO KNOW when they get abusive, that is fully intentional, and the fact you’re showing them that you think they don’t know what they are doing is hurting you, they might get seriously ticked off. The Idealists* do not yell at their children, by the way, unless the child is in their late teens and SERIOUSLY testing their parent’s patience.

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