Break up: the Normal Person* vs. The Savants*

I have said previously, that a break up is a concept that the Normal Person* do not understand, but they do… It’s just that their breakup method is so different to a Savants*, that a Savants* may not have understood that a break up was happening or how to express a break up to the Normal Person* so that the Normal Person* understands that this is, in fact, a break of a relationship.

To summarize:

A Normal Person* sees a breakup as a mutual agreement that it is the best course of action, but to a Savants* a break up is just a matter of a one-sided announcement: “I am leaving” (broken to them as gently as possible).

Now… Here is why it gets difficult to understand:

When a the Normal Person* is trying to break up the relationship

A Normal Person* would approach the topic by opening up a conversation along the lines of “I have been thinking that we should probably break up.” An Savant* may not react to this, because he or she will be waiting for more information: “So are you leaving or are you not leaving?” They will be waiting for the Normal Person* to make up their minds about whether they want to leave or keep trying to fix the relationship, to a Savants* the decision of this nature is completely up to the Normal Person*, IF they, themselves wish to keep the relationship going. If they are already in the mindset that they too want to break up, they will answer “I agree” and the decision is made, but if they want the relationship to continue, they will wait for further instructions: “Are we breaking up or are we not breaking up – your call.”

Now, in this situation, the Normal Person* feels the decision is left hanging in the air, they don’t know how to proceed because they feel the decision to break up must be mutual or it won’t happen. They are waiting for the Savants* to respond to their opening of the conversation, but at the same time the Savants* is waiting for the Normal Person* to make up their mind about what they want to do. If the Normal Person* doesn’t bring it up again, the Savants* assumes they’ve decided to stay. This may hang between them for years without resolution.

For any the Normal Person* in this situation, please phrase your words as such: “I have been thinking about a break up for a long time, I want to leave you.” Do not ask a Savants* about how they feel about it, because to them it feels like torture; you simply wanting to twist the dagger inside their hearts, so when they don’t reply to you about how they feel about it, the answer is that they feel awful, absolutely horrifyingly bad, and but they are not going to let you dance on their grave like a heartless monster about it, so don’t go digging. Instead, phrase the question, that I know you can’t not ask in the following form: “I want to know you are OK with it and that you will be fine without me.” Just as you mean it.

If the conversation is never finished, the Normal Person* may take off without a word, blind sighting the Savants* by their sudden decision.

(Note, although most men are the Savants* and most women are the Normal Person*, they can be reversed.)

When the Savants* wants to leave

Moving onto a more familiar territory in my blog. 😉 The Savants* will always respect a person’s individual freedom of choice over everything else. Therefore, when they are leaving a relationship, they do not think anyone would stand in their way. This is simply a matter of breaking the news to the Normal Person*, and attempt to do it as gently as possible. Now, this is where things get really awful… If the Savants*, who usually values a reason for the break up so that they can use that information in the future to be better at relationships later, they may start the conversation by giving the Normal Person* a lot of information about WHY they are leaving. They feel that if there is a valid, rational reason for the breakup, it won’t be as bad for the person leaving behind, because it is not ABOUT THEM, but simply a case of incompatibility. But, because the Savants* never will end this speech with: “So how do you feel about it” or “what do you think”, because to them, that would be just like digging the other person’s heart out and eat it right in front of them with sheer cruel pleasure, the Normal Person* will interpret the break up attempt as instructions on how to be a better partner in the future so the breakup will be avoided. This is when the Normal Person* will say that “He/She is threatening me with a break up” when the Savants* was already attempting to make a clean break.

Now, if the Savants* leaves the relationship without asking the Normal Person* how they feel about it, the Normal Person*  regard it as a dig, or a further cranking up on how serious they are about their need for the Normal Person* to change (their behaviour, thinking or personality, according to the ‘instructions’ given during the break up speech) in order to avoid final breakup. Therefore, the Normal Person* hasn’t yet “got the memo” that the relationship is over, they simply think the Savants* is throwing their weight around trying to force the Normal Person* into compliance.

In the meanwhile, the Savants* thinks the breakup is clear, clean, and a done deal, and that the Normal Person* simply has trouble moving on if anything. The Normal Person* will see any new partners simply as… jealousy act like the Savants* would be just flaunting them in front of the Normal Person* in order to make them more aware of how they NEED TO CHANGE in order to avoid a final break up. In this situation, the “the Savants* is sleeping with other people” while the Normal Person* is trying to be on their best behavior in order to prove to the Savants* that they are willing to change and try again.

Now here comes the trouble. An Savant* LOATHES the idea that they would need to ask for their freedom back because they never considered it gone in the first place. They always considered themselves free to be with whoever they wanted, but they CHOSE the Normal Person* for as long as they chose them. So for them asking to be liberated from this relationship goes against everything they believe in, and the more the Normal Person* is attached to this relationship, the more the Savants* will grow to resent them. However… To end the attachment… The trouble is that YEARS may have passed since the couple last talked, but the Savants* may still feel the spiritual attachment to this person, and finds it difficult to shake it off, so it would feel weird to call them and then go: “About that breakup…” If, however, you are still talking about it, phrase your request of leaving in a way that doesn’t offend you to the core: “How would you feel if you would just let me go?” or “How have you been since we broke up?” Be compassionate and caring, so they know this is not your attempt to squeeze them into a role. Let them talk about their feelings and allow them to let go of you while doing that. You can tell them how you feel, too, when they ask: “I’ve been fine, I am happy, but sometimes I feel guilty about having left you.” This gives them the closure they keep talking about.

An Savant* may leave without a word only when they are trying to figure out what it is that they actually want with you and don’t know what to say. They might not want to break it off with you but they also don’t want to seal the deal, either, so they simply go away and see what else is out there. To be frank, when a Savants* leaves you without a word, they will fully expect you to find someone else (and they’re risking it), they are still looking for something better, or they think you are doing the same thing to them or already decided you don’t want them, and respect your choice.

In case of a messy divorce

For any divorce lawyers here’s a tip: the Normal Person* may regard the entire divorce process to be simply expensive flirtation before getting back together again, and as they cannot see the relationship being broken, they view his money her money and vice versa. The Savants* wants a clean break, and will quite willingly give more than their legal share to the Normal Person* in return for their freedom because they often feel terribly guilty about leaving as they feel responsible for the wish to leave and “incapacity to remain faithful”. In the meanwhile, the Normal Person* thinks she has every right to his money because he is still her man – on a freaking holiday behaving badly, so he should pay for her to have fun in the mean while. Also, the Savants* is often the wealthier partner, so they feel like their leaving is putting undue pressure for the Normal Person* to survive on their own, and they simply wish to buy their freedom if the Normal Person* resists the breakup.

Now, to save your the Savants* client’s money and assets, simply make sure the Normal Person* opponent is given a chance to air out their feelings as described above, and they will lose ALL WISH to take their ex-partner to the cleaners.

It is near unheard of that the Savants* would resist the divorce if filed by the Normal Person*, they will only ever resist it if they truly feel the Normal Person* is acting against themselves and is about to harm themselves by filing for the divorce. The Savants* will be incredibly, inconsolably sad, but may resist the divorce, albeit, rarely furiously.

Subscribe to get a Daily Message