Breaking difficult relationships and why being reasonable may not be possible

When I was writing primarily for True Emotion Mirrors, I was often asked the question: “Is it possible to break a True Emotion Mirror bond?” The answer to it is, that if this is a true True Emotion Mirror or a True Emotion Mirror, you wouldn’t want to, but it is near impossible to convince someone who thinks they own you for some reason, or that it is their duty to keep loving you no matter what, that the relationship is over… Such as a True Emotion Mirror or a parent, or a determined ex-spouse.

A mother-child relationship is an example of a duty-based love. They don’t necessarily love you authentically, but they keep on insisting that you have to get along even though you never have, it is the duty of a family… Some regard it as a duty for former friends to stick together no matter what to the bitter end, some think that love that once existed should never end, but that the bond SHOULD BE forever, and they hold the other person responsible for that relationship, based on their own moral code and ideal that it should remain that way, regardless of what the other person needs or wants: the duty of sticking together no matter what exceeds all other needs in a relationship, including mutual contentment and joy of having that relationship. They find it their duty to suffer in a relationship, endlessly, “until I teach this other person to love”, which is not what they teach (they don’t know how themselves) but they teach this person to submit to their role of being their… person. They also genuinely believe they are doing YOU a favor by doing this, as they see you as “being emotionally damaged”.

It is typical to these people is that they believe they know what love is, that it is sacrifice and sticking together no matter what. If you are in any way quirky or “not normal”, have a history of any psychological disorders (like most freedom lovers do, due to the way our society loves to lock people into place), they may use that against you, by authentically believing they have a duty of care towards you, and they need to rescue you from yourself.

These people are not healthy by their mind. They treat other people as a means to their survival and are also feeling neurotically responsible for the survival of other people, even if they had shown to be more than capable of surviving on their own within reason. They have no trust in humanity or the insistence on the bond is fuelled by the idea that “who would love you and take care of you if I don’t, nobody would love you!” or the other way around, they feel one or both of you are completely unlovable to others so, therefore, you need to stick together and at least have each other as a back up plan when everyone else turns out not to love you.

Their idea of love is “the person who is there when everyone else leaves you”, even if “everyone else” were all, shall we say, dumped, or you simply wouldn’t be able to find someone you’re willing to commit to, they still see themselves as “the one who is there”, not realizing that they are THE LAST RESORT, as in, the last person someone would turn to in need, for a reason or another.

Many people who wind up in this trap are trying to be REASONABLE with these people. You are about to break free, and then, because you don’t want anyone to hurt, you remind them that you can always be friends, and that person sees it as “you coming to your senses” or “backpedaling”, and they see it as a permission to clutch on again. When all else fails, you have to cut the tie completely, starting from banning them and all of their friends on all social networks, unless you have a mutual friend who is willing to cut their ties to everyone related to stay in your team, too. You need to start emotionally focussing on “X is in the past, they are the past”, and focus on your future. Work through any guilty feelings, and remind yourself that you are not irreplaceable in reality. You may feel like it, but you’re not. They WILL find someone else to bond with, and you can simply hope that person is a willing victim.

You can also readjust your values; you don’t need to love everybody who loves you, it is OKAY for them to want you while you don’t want them, and you don’t need to be friends with everyone who wants you, either. They need to learn that it takes two to tango, all relationship must be mutually satisfying and rewarding, not just for the other person. You need to learn that your happiness counts, too – especially important for men of this time of ours to know that she is not the only one whose needs matter in a relationship – and that you have the right to say no to a relationship that makes you unhappy, a duty, even, because it will lower your performance and keep you from those who you truly love and who truly love you.

The most important part, in all of this is the acknowledgment that no, you CANNOT stay reasonable with this person, you CUT THEM OFF completely, and that you need to work through all issues that you get from guilting or shaming you back into these relationships that you don’t want or need. If they are financially dependent on you, and you feel like you have to buy your freedom, do it, but do not keep the money-lines open unless you are legally bound to. One time payment, and then you’re done, and if they are entitled to an alimony, make it as impersonal as you can possibly make it, and emphasize it is for the children, not for the parent. You may make a phone call to ask “if the kids got their money alright,” and then end the call. This kind of people may feel that the money coming in, even if legally required, is still your confession of love and care and acknowledgment of the marriage bond that hasn’t been broken. If you sense this is true, make sure they understand what the money means. Also, make sure they understand that you are not meeting up with the children because you love your ex, but because you love your children. (They can be incredibly self-centered and see their children as something they own, too, so be prepared to bail the kids out if you need to. Unfortunately, they tend to hold onto the kids and obligate them to carry your load, too, and to love them on your behalf, too.)

“You are a bad person for not wanting to stay friends with someone who needs you.” Work through why that is not true.

“Families need to stick together no matter what.” Figure out what are the conditions other family members need to fulfill in order for that sentence to be true, and what constitutes a real “family” worth sticking together for.

“You owe me love.” Work out why that is not the slightest bit true.

“You just want an easy life with someone who gives you everything you need!” Contemplate on why that is supposed to be a bad thing and what does a person mean when they say you should want something difficult and unfulfilling instead.

“You can’t base a relationship on love/sex/attraction…” Or whatever claim they are making to invalidate your need to be with someone else… Study that claim if you are inclined to believe it, is it worth believing?

“You are afraid of love/intimacy” or “you are a commitment phobic”. You may fear this yourself, but are you? There is a difference in being afraid of a commitment and knowing when the proposed commitment is to a person you don’t love. A lot of people who seek a commitment also do not know what true love is, and they simply seek to commit to someone of the right age and gender (plus a variety of personal boxes ticked) and they accuse everyone who, to them, looks like the right person on the surface of commitment phobia if they don’t agree to a commitment. A write off accusation you can safely ignore.

You also need to let go of your need to prove yourself to be right and just, logical, reasonable, and within your rights as an individual. Stop explaining yourself to them and simply take off. You won’t win with this lot, or it will take you forever to do so. Just take it on board that YOU made the mistake to allow that person into your life, (unless a parent, in which case the mistake is somewhere in the past lives most likely,) and you need to wear the consequences of that mistake, including loss of reputation, and their smug self-satisfaction knowing you fucked the relationship up. It’ll be a shallow consolation once you’ll be perfectly happy in a new relationship, that they’ll try to convince themselves of being your idea to rub it into them, while, in reality, you’ll barely remember them. Put all that behind you. It will be difficult to stop talking about it, but talking about it will possibly keep the connection alive (in spirit they feel you are still thinking about them, processing it, and therefore, likely to change your mind and come back… They may also trigger you into thinking about them again, so you’ll return back to the drawing board, so to speak, so try not to do it, unless some part still wishes for a resolution, in which case it’s not wise to fight the wish to make it work). Only talk about it if it makes you feel lighter at the end of it, rather than make you feel dirty or angry instead. (There will be a time when talking about it will take the weight off, but get out of the relationship and the mess first. I speak from hindsight.)

Note that parents need to let go of their children at some stage when the child reaches adulthood, and they need to become the second or third seater in relation to the child’s grown up relationships, whose primary life partner should be their authentic lover, not their parent. Of course, while the child is still looking, you cannot simply push them into the nearest lap that swings by, but once they truly fall in love and find someone with whom they truly want a relationship with, they need to be able to let their parents be the second ones to the throne, the back up plan if something goes wrong. Ideally, a parent will regard their own partner their primary relationship, too, so their children don’t grow up with the burden of replacing their parent’s missing lover. (Before having children, please find a true love to have the children with, you owe it to your children, because if you don’t recognize true love, the day your children fall in love will freak you out because you don’t know what is happening to them and you’ll become the factor that stops them from getting who they want and need, instead the calming force that will help them find their way to their true love – as true love is rarely straight forward.)

It takes some emotional practice to rewire your brain from caring too much to caring just the right amount, and as you feel them hanging onto your heart, you know the connection isn’t broken yet. It takes time to make the needed emotional state a permanent one, just like you’ve trained yourself to care for the needy in some previous lifetime, you now have to do a corrective move and care a little less.

In the future, be more careful about who you connect with, and avoid making friends of people who give you this same vibe.

Good luck out there.

It’s a jungle.

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