Breaking the breakup – healing major relationship problems
There are two types of thinkers. The Old Souls* and the Young Soul*. The Old Souls* are always ready to talk about their emotions, the Young Soul* need a little warm up by talking nonsense for a while. This doesn’t sound like a major issue, but it does relate to every communication problem we ever face as people.
When insulted/scared/freaked out by someone important, a Old Souls* can revert back to the Young Soul* behavior, or they can adopt their behavior if they know it to work based on the behavior of the people close to them. People can also try to act outside their comfort zone because they think “this is how women bond” or “this is how men bond” and fail to realize that this behavior isn’t gender specific, even if it is gender typical. Some of it is learned, some of it is natural to the individual.
the Young Soul* like to keep a light conversation going at all times. That is how they signal to each other that “everything is fine, things are OK, I am on a happy mood, there is no danger, and I am not angry with you.” the Old Souls* hate this happy chitter chatter. To them, it sounds like avoiding real topics, avoiding emotions, avoiding looking into the mirror, ignoring the elephant in the room, and so forth and so forth. They fall silent, which, to the Young Soul* signals: “I am angry with you and I am sitting here punishing you for what you did wrong.”
Can you already see where I am getting at?
True Emotion Mirrors and Precious Soulmates* rarely behave in incompatible ways but they can do. There is plenty of reasons why, one of the biggest ones being that men who are VERY accustomed to socialising with women, would adopt a lot of the Young Soul* behavior patterns and women who are accustomed to socialising with men would adopt a lot of the Old Souls* thinking patterns, that may or may not be natural for them. When a woman behaves in a Old Souls* pattern or IS a Old Souls*, a man who is accustomed to the Young Soul* women, would not be able to relate to the Old Souls* female who behaves differently to other women he is accustomed to. That can create a breakdown in communication, when the guy looks at her bewildered not being able to tell why she is not responding to him the way women normally do… Like looking at Mona Lisa wondering what the…?!
We have to learn to lighten up when it comes to our Destination Soulmates of all types
What I mean is that a lot of True Emotion Mirror advice is very structured: “do this, do that, do the other.” Although I write a lot about why people do what they do, it is always there to only help you to TWEAK to what might be going on with your people. It is there to offer you a point of consideration, something to pay attention to; Is this accurate in your case? Is this what is going on? Just because a person is your True Emotion Mirror by their relationship to you, doesn’t mean that it functions the same way as every other True Emotion Mirror relationship, this is not a train that stops on specific stations, it is more like a hot air balloon that is very much subject to conditions in the way it travels, so all advice should be read like in a lost hot air balloon; If you see a river down below, try to see if there’s a bend like this on it, and near it a village… If you can’t see it, you in a different place, right, so look for another landmark rather than try and force your eyes and brain to see a river where there is none.
So, that is to say that instincts are important, much more so than what I, or anyone else can tell you about human behavior, but instincts do get a lot of help by someone pointing out something you might have not noticed before. It’s like it’s always been there, you just never noticed that it was or that it was important. All there is to it.
Lightening up means that this is not a test. Nobody is going to score you on how well you do in your relationship. The reason why there is advice for it is because we all want to help each other to be happy. If I can help you achieve what I myself failed at, being too young and naive and entirely too easily led to not trust my own instincts, at least it had some meaning, right? So do not replace the information of your instincts with mine, but also, don’t drive bull-headedly into something you don’t know shit about just because you have a fucking point to prove.
And the final point: Love is here to make life worth living. It is fun and exciting, it is something to fill your senses and make your loved one feel incredible about themselves. If you can make your True Emotion Mirror feel like they’ve been snatched up and thrown in the middle of their own favorite erotic romance story, then fuck you’ve got it right. And to do that, you have to get inside THEIR HEAD, not into the head of some generic True Emotion Mirror that doesn’t even exist… And if he or she did, they’d be boring as fuck. If you are not into romantic erotica, then you’ve got the wrong relationship type in your head too, you are wishing for an Lovers’ Choice Soulmate* -romance, not a True Emotion Mirror thing… So stop reading my blog and all True Emotion Mirror blogs, because they are not written for you! You need to stick to normal relationship advice and learn how to MAKE someone do stuff for you when they are not the least bit interested in doing that. You need to learn how to manipulate if romance and sex isn’t your thing.
With that intro over, let’s get to the actual topic
the Old Souls*, when sitting in silence listening to you chit chat about nothing at all are not angry with you. They are waiting for you to stop avoiding the real issue and start talking about what you really want to talk about; whenever you’re ready.
the Young Soul*, when sitting in silence near you are angry with you. They are waiting for you to start talking about nothing at all so they know you are no longer angry with you and that you can then safely approach the real issues you need to talk about.
When the Young Soul* is talking about light, meaningless topics just to keep up a happy chatter, they make the Old Souls* feel like they are trying to avoid the real issue; they feel like the Young Soul* does not wish to talk about whatever is hanging between them. If the Young Soul* does this often with someone who has a reason to expect real emotions from (parent, sibling, husband, or wife) the Old Souls* feels rejected and as if the Young Soul* was regretting ever getting into a relationship with them or having a child/parent such as themselves; a disappointment. When the Young Soul* keeps on the happy chit chat, the Old Souls* feels unvalued, dehumanized, and like a complete disappointment and a failure.
When the Old Souls* doesn’t respond to the happy chatter because they really want to talk about their feelings and connect on the emotional level, the Young Soul* feels rejected because they feel that the Old Souls* doesn’t care about them and that they are ignoring them on purpose. Their disinterest to the light chatter makes the Young Soul* feel like the Old Souls* is deliberately punishing them for something, and is still angry about something they don’t really know what is the issue. (Sometimes this is true, but the Young Soul* is expecting the Old Souls* to answer something, so that they know they are ready to talk. The silence puts a wall between them, that the Young Soul* is afraid to break while the Old Souls* is simply waiting for the Young Soul* to shut up and get to the point; the topic that they both wish they could talk about.)
If a Old Souls* male has learned that women are silent only when they are angry, they would try the Young Soul* approach even if they were the Old Souls* themselves, as I mentioned.
Breaking the silence
The Young Soul* taking action
The Young Soul* will find themselves in very unfamiliar waters trying to break the silence with the Old Souls*, who has perhaps been trying to do that for years, too. They are not expecting much of you, and that makes them so freaking angry. They may overload you by giving you WAY, WAAAAY too much information at one go, something that you will find very difficult to process and wrap your head around. You may feel like they are making fun of you, even if they are trying to confess their love for you, but they are not. You are used to people talking in circles, and you tend to think everything is a trick on you. It is not. The Old Souls* do not speak Bitch very well. Their sentences are literal. When they say “I love your necklace” they mean they love your necklace. When they say they hate you, they mean that they hate you. They’d hate to be caught of inconsistent or untruthful or misleading speech or writing. They hate that. They would DIE if they would have told someone they hate them when in fact they meant they loved them or wanted them or what not, and they’d believe that, that’s why they’d never do that, risk saying hurtful things to someone who would actually take their word for it, but when pushed far enough, they’ll tell you they hate you, just to inform you of their feelings and to tell you to keep your fucking distance. They never want to mislead anyone and they hate nothing more than to be misunderstood, and you, as the Young Soul*, are a master of misunderstanding them.
Now…. If there is NOTHING you can think of that would explain someone’s silence to be their anger towards you, or if you suspect there MIGHT be something they have a reason to be angry about but you don’t think that’s such a huge deal, the chances are that this person is a Old Souls* and is not angry at you at all, in fact, if they are still around and in your company, even when silent, they are still in love with you or they still love you and want to be around you (because nothing stops a Old Souls* from taking off and leaving you for good never once looking back). A the Old Souls* may leave you even if they were in love with you if they no longer know what else to do because they can’t read your true meaning behind your words if you are razzing them or testing them or if you are chit chatting in a way that makes them think you are simply avoiding the issues and secretly hoping for them to vanish out of your life. If you manage to give them the expression that you want them to leave, they will, because they love you enough to give you your space. (Why would anyone want anyone to leave them? Right? Only the Young Soul* would ask something so stupid. 😉 )
Before your the Old Souls* slinks into the sidelines convincing themselves that they are imagining you love them, try and say something. The actual truth, don’t torture them with bullshit, they don’t like it or find it a turn on, even if they could be trained to do that to you if you like that. Don’t do onto others as you’d do to yourself, do onto others as they’d have you do to them. 😉 Tell them, no matter how simply, how you feel. They need to be certain that they are not barking up the wrong tree or that they are imagining their feelings are returned. They are not at all turned on by insecurity or uncertainty, they know full well how often people can believe themselves be loved when they are not, and that makes them cautious to approach anyone who they find incredible. Don’t try to trigger them into an argument, they hate arguing, and often, once you have pushed them to the point where they feel like they have no other option but to scream at you, they’re already completely over you and your bullshit, and are ready to call it all quits and find someone who they can actually talk to.
You must also know, that if a Old Souls* has gone as far as shouted at you to express their anger, and you haven’t TALKED IT THROUGH, they HAVE NOT forgiven you yet even if they did talk to you about other stuff (the meaningless stuff). They simply feel that being a brat about it is childish and they have to get along with you even if they are still hurting like hell inside, so don’t be a moron and think that you can brush things under carpet just because your the Old Souls* loved one speaks to you again. It doesn’t go away like that (and they had a reason to anger at you in the first place even if you haven’t bothered to find out why because you decided they were exaggerating or “imagining it”). You also want to be prepared for the fact that if you then, after them keeping up a light conversation just to keep you happy, if you then approach the topic and open the lid on that, the longer they’ve been forced to swallow their feelings the more they are going to explode if you give them the opening to do that, and you might get a lot more than what you bargained for if you approach the sensitive topic. You can run away from that conversation, but it will come back up for as long as it takes you both to go through everything bit by bit, and there is no avoiding it apart from one of you going to their grave angry… So… If you want to be wise about it, just take it up and deal with it.
The only way to reach a Old Souls* is by talking about your REAL, TRUE feelings, openly, honestly, without fear of rejection or ridicule. If you can’t trust them enough to do that, they feel your relationship has no future and they will leave… Or keep their guard up until they feel you have shared enough of the feelings that they can trust your love. Where the Young Soul* learn to trust the love of a person by arguing with them and knowing that no matter how awful you are to them they will stick around, a Old Souls* will learn to trust your love by the sharing of your feelings, a soul connection and a heart-to-heart. Without it, you might be on the moon while they remain on Earth. If they have to rely on their second-guessing about how you feel, they will always feel insecure about you, if they cannot feel it in their soul and also hear you say it. If you try avoiding saying it, like you allow them to feel it, but then you say: “I hate you”, they will always feel as though you wish you loved them but you don’t really, and therefore you “jokingly” said “I hate you” because you can’t bring yourself to lie to them and you just made a joke of it to let yourself out of the hook no matter how much they’d like to hear those words.
The truth is, the Old Souls* lie like this ALL THE TIME, because they feel they have to. They often find it their responsibility or duty to say nice things to people who demand that of them, but they have hard time lying to your face, therefore they may say “I hate you” instead, which, to them, means: “I will tell you ‘I hate you’ because I think you know I don’t really hate you, even if I don’t love you either, and I can’t say that to you, and I expect you to read between the lines that I am not sure what I want from you.” So they can twist the words from the truth to a joke and back to the truth because everything they say must be as close to the truth as possible. Until a Old Souls* tells you that they love you, with their heart in with it, you can’t be sure that they do. They expect you to do the same for them. A the Old Souls*, truly in love, also rarely withholds their love confessions, they LOVE to tell you how much they love you, they find it difficult to contain it when they feel they are in the liberty of saying that they do. They function from honor a lot, and therefore they do not bother you with love confessions unless they are fairly sure their love is welcome or returned, and they feel mortified if they are then, rejected because you may feel they are after a bit of a razz and emotional torture which they absolutely hate… (But can learn to do to you, as I mentioned.)
Remember that people always try to teach each other how they want to be treated, so whichever way someone treats you, they want you to treat them… This with the exception of a Old Souls* leaving you if you keep “avoiding them” by chit chatting about nothing important when they want to talk about how much they love you. Take clues from their behavior on how to treat them… And: The easy solution: Stop talking about nonsense around them. Perhaps wait silently, you don’t have to say anything, just… Don’t feel angry. Allow them to fill up the room by telling you how they feel. And don’t freak out when they do. They may end their conversation by asking you to nod if you understand or feel the same way, and that’s all they’re asking sometimes… But don’t lie. Don’t nod unless you feel that way because it may cost you more than you think. Never lie about your feelings to a Old Souls*, even if they are negative. There is nothing as hurtful and disrespectful to them as that, even if they do feel forced to do the same to others, but if you do it to them, they feel as though you think they are one of those people who can’t handle rejection because they can handle rejection very well. What they can’t handle is people being emotionally distant to them. They feel that if you can’t be emotionally present, you might as well not be there at all, they REALLY feel that. If your heart isn’t there, you might as well be a Wilson volleyball in a room full of people, if you know the reference…
Remember that you don’t have to warm a Old Souls* up for an emotional conversation, they are ALWAYS in that mindset. Always. All the time. Without a break.
The Old Souls* taking action
If you are a Old Souls*, and especially if you are not angry with the Young Soul*, but you just wait for them to shut up and get to the point, you might want to inform them that you are not angry with them even if you are silent. It is possible that a Old Souls* IS angry while silent, and the Young Soul* chitter chatter only makes matters worse, because they are unintentionally signalling to the Old Souls* that they don’t care about their feelings and that they can sulk for the rest of their lives if they like and it would not phase the Young Soul* at all. They will be just as happy being shallow and meaningless as ever, and let the broody the Old Souls* sit in their silence for the rest of the eternity for all they care.
The only way to reach a Old Souls* is to drop the pretense that everything is fine and sit down to talk to them about the stuff that matters. It is BEST NOT TO do this by screaming at them; “OK so what’s the matter with you?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Because that will send another signal to the Old Souls*: you think there is something WRONG with them, as in they are wrong, their opinion is wrong and their emotions are unvalid. What you should do is to just sit, lower your weapons and your guards and your chitter chatter and ask them if they want to talk about it. And try your fucking hardest not to sound sarcastic or dismissive because you will send them to another retreat, quite potentially permanently.
For a Old Souls*, ending the silence is A LOT easier, especially if your silence has been misconstrued as being angry with them. The Old Souls* simply needs to start talking. About anything. ANYTHING at all, as long as it is about them, their plans for the day, their experiences during the day, anything tangible and light that is not really intended for the Young Soul* to answer to. “I thought I’d pain the shed next summer. Don’t you think it needs a lick of paint?” (No need for a reply.) Keep going: “Oh I should do the dishes. Laundry is undone.” or “I think I should check the oil in my car today.” If you are not a couple but gotten into this due to some weird situation that are so VERY common between True Emotion Mirrors, talk about your life, yourself, what you are wearing… Anything. “I got these shoes this week, just to wear them with this dress.” I know to a Old Souls* that sounds absolutely mindbogglingly stupid thing to say, but the content of what you say doesn’t matter, as long as it is light and intended to be ignored. If it is your True Emotion Mirror though, you know how you’d be happy if they spoke to you about the clippings of their nails or whatever, so trust that they’d be just as happy to hear you say ANYTHING to them. The more effort you put into coming up with things to say, the happier they will be for it. (In Partial Mirror situations this won’t work out too well, but between Destination Soulmates, and True Emotion Mirrors in particular, it does work.)
If you, a Old Souls*, ARE angry with the Young Soul*, and you’ve tried talking to them a million times about it only to have them scream at you, throw a tantrum or react in the most childish of ways to a grown up conversation – as they do – try to lighten the mood… The Young Soul* do not want to go in the deep end until you’ve lighten the mood a bit. They need to know you are not angry with them but that you are ready to talk rather than argue. They don’t know you were always only in the intention of TALKING, and that you don’t argue, ever, because they don’t know that kind of people to be real, and they don’t trust people who do not have insecurities like that; they feel they are fake and as unrealistic as the Santa Claus. The Young Soul* do argue and take their anger out of people who they are not angry at, the Old Souls* do not… But if you are angry at this the Young Soul*, and you need to talk to them about your feelings… The sad thing is that if you’ve gone into a lockdown silence, you are likely not even willing to appease them too much and you feel like you’d rather see them hanged by the neck by now rather than actually talk to them (because they no longer deserve your kindness). If this person is important to you, or you are too important for them to let go of without talking to you, you will need to bring this matter to a close somehow for your own good. With the Young Soul*, this happens by starting to talk to them. Doesn’t matter, again, what comes out. Just talk. You can even spew venom at them as much as you like, but they need to HEAR what is happening because they do not feel emotions the same way as you do. They cannot sense your meaning without you voicing it verbally. If you feel venomous, SOUND venomous. They respond SO MUCH BETTER to completely juvenile behaviour than attempts to start a rational conversation because they don’t trust it to mean anything, they just want you to drag them and yourself through the mud before the conversation means jack shit. The first time my mother heard my words was when I screamed “you are my problem, YOU are what I HATE, Without YOU I would be FUCKING HAPPY” something along those lines. The first time ever I felt her actually hear me, and it wasn’t because what I said was actually true, it was because I was SCREAMING at her, I wasn’t discussing my feelings rationally as an adult, or trying to express myself eloquently (she feels I am deceiving her because she can’t do the same), but it was because she could HEAR me being angry and she could FEEL what I was saying.
In a vision, (I do these experiments a lot), I just went seething angry at her. I was at home, she had baked my favorite tart, made coffee and everything was idyllic, and I simply started seething. I hissed venomously angry stuff at her, and to make my point clearer, I tipped her coffee in her lap, followed by the tart that I smeared in her face and I swore and hissed at her. She started laughing, RELIEVED!! She thought it was funny and a relief, she knew that now we could actually talk about what was wrong with us. We had connected. As she did… I replied: “I hate you for forcing me to behave like a fucking monkey near you. I hate you for being so beneath me, so fucking unsophisticated. I hate that you make me be this way, and you do not deserve me. I am so far above you, mum, and you can’t even tell.” I couldn’t talk to her at that moment, because I had let myself behave in a manner that I don’t think in reality I ever would, maybe. I got up to leave. She understood this and, in the Young Soul* manner offered peace in the form of offering the tart that was my absolute favorite to take it with me. I picked up the tray, slammed my hand right in the middle of it, and threw it across the room. Her thinking that everything would be fine just with an offering of tart made me furious. “I hate you for this. But it’s fine. At least I can use this for driving some man with a big cock and a fat wallet to drive him insane with lust for me. At least that has some value.”
I don’t know how the rest of the story goes because I still haven’t made friends with mum, I am experimenting and reporting to you as I go along, but it was an interesting vision. They are very realistic. It is as though I don’t have to actually DO THAT, I can just think it and experience it, and it makes things… better in some way. I am browsing through optional approaches, and so far, as far as my mother who is very strongly the Young Soul* in her thinking, the more childish/animalistic I behave the more relieved she is because she can follow my thinking.
As a Old Souls*, you can experiment on your own because you are not afraid of the unknown, and your instincts are quite good. Think apeshit. It usually works well with the Young Soul*… 😀 And… Sometimes we love the Young Soul* that are truly worth going into extremes like talking about designer table wear or car washes just to open up the conversation lines again. 😉
Remember that you always need to warm up the Young Soul* for an emotional conversation, otherwise, they will freak out and throw a tantrum at you for trying to approach their sensitive side without a fair warning.
Taking action if you don’t know which type you are
Even if your own type is somewhere between these two thinker types, you might have run into problems trying to communicate with one or the other type. If you can’t tell what type they are, try each approach by random. First keep up a good chitter chatter going, if they respond, keep going until you feel like there’s an opening for an emotional conversation, if they don’t respond, fall into as comfortable silence as you can muster and wait for them to say something.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Might be a good compromise line to throw for either thinker type, although a Old Souls* finds it a bit artificial and the Young Soul* finds it a bit threatening.
Good luck.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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