Breaking up with someone who “everybody” thinks you should give another chance to.

Sometimes people have a romanticized idea of what your relationships (and friendships) are like for you. Sometimes, the person who you want to break up with loves your relationship so much, that they keep talking about it as this idealized friendship, some movie version of reality that simply doesn’t match up with YOUR idea of how things truly are in that relationship. You may feel that although that person FEELS LIKE they love you, you know that their love is for your money, your status, or the opportunities to luxury life or something else, but not you. Sometimes a person may be in love with your children when they have none, and their motivation is not to be with YOU but the children they acquired through you.

Now… How do you break up with someone who everyone thinks you have a moral obligation to not deprive of what you can provide for them? You may feel they’re not really worth all those things, but people tell you that since they “love you so”, you should let them stay in your life and keep providing them with all the good things in life and “learn to love them”, right? Now. Let me tell you otherwise.

The motivator for me.

First, you’ll have to become clear in YOUR mind that you want this person out of your life. You’ll have to contemplate it and be FINE with your decision. You’ll need to put an end to any emotional conflicts you’ll have about this matter because others will resist your decision.

For me, the thought that got me over the threshold for good is this:

While I may be able to tolerate any rubbish relationship (friendship in my case) for one lifetime and think that’s my cross to bear, if I think of this from a reincarnational perspective – if I stay with this person now, they’ll be there for the next round, and the next and the next… Uh, that thought to put the gears in my mind to focus. “OK, that’s it, NO MORE of this bullshit. Not another fucking day, let alone another lifetime.”

And if I think spending more lifetimes with this person is too much, certainly spending the only life you have is WAY, WAY too much for this crap, if you can’t bring yourself to think you’re a reincarnating immortal spirit. (Then again, you may think if this is your only lifetime, there’s no point stressing about anything… But… You know. I’m telling you this will keep repeating until you put an end to it, as reincarnation is a real thing and you’re going to, anyway, whether you believe it or not. Reincarnation is not one of those things you have to believe in for it to be true, it happens anyway.)

Anyway – next you’ll need to convince others that you’re better off without this person, and THAT may take all your fortitude to do.

They fear for you.

People who love you may fear that you’re making a mistake. They may believe this person’s romanticized version of what your relationship is like, and you’ll need some patience and understanding when you inform them how things really are for you. But at the end of the day, whether they agree or not, you’ll have to end that relationship with or without their support – be clear of it – but still, have the patience to explain to those who matter to you, for several reasons.

THEY need to know your motivations for ending relationships so that THEY KNOW they’re not in danger. They need to know how you see this relationship differently from your friend’s version. You will also need to help them see beforehand what you predict this person will do to sway your support network to work in keeping you together.

They claim you have intimacy issues, that you fear commitment, and that the problem is YOUR END.

You must be adamant that even if this was YOUR ISSUE, the issue IS REAL and that you’re going to act on it. You may not like commitment, but the chances are that you just don’t want to commit to the WRONG PERSON and that previously, you have succumbed to the pressure to do just that. You are not willing to make life-long commitments to a temporary lover/friend, and you must make sure they realize that NOBODY wants out of a healthy, working relationship (unless it is to protect that person).

They fear you don’t think you’re good enough for this person.

Sometimes they (the Young Soul*) think a person who leaves a relationship in which they are “loved”, it means “the runner” doesn’t think they’re good enough for the person they’re running from. While this is true in some breakups, don’t let people believe it if it isn’t true. The Young Soul* tend to think that any love given to a person is equal in value. Therefore their logic dictates that when you try to leave a relationship, it’s because you don’t think you’re worthy of that love. They may also think that the person you’re leaving is not loving you “hard enough” or they’re not putting in the action of love that you may expect them to give you; they don’t understand the idea of a breakup, therefore they try to explain it with two extremes: you think you’re not worthy of love, or that they’re not loving you as much as you think you deserve – not that you don’t love them enough to stay, and you want someone else – because to them, the only thing people truly want is TO BE LOVED, not TO LOVE which is the role the Young Soul* are most familiar with… They are easily impressed by a Old Souls* who is like catnip to them, so they don’t really know what it is like to be “forcefully” loved inside a relationship.

The Young Soul*think that you’re lured by sex and booze.

The Young Soul*thinks that all love is worth the same, and the only thing competing with it is sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll – and not the way that YOU may think. They don’t think that those things could ever bring about happiness (not even as a consequence of meeting someone you authentically adore) so they always feel sorry for you if you’re tempted to get single and back into “the scene”. They also don’t understand what possible good it could do to find yourself a new friend when your old friend still “loves you”.

So, quite self-righteously, the Young Soul*thinks that your wish to look for someone else is just some shallow, childish, and immature need to prove you’re still young and hot, and they will disregard everything you say about wanting to find true love – as to THEM, your relationship IS true love.

So this aspect might be difficult to explain to anyone who the Young Soul*is talking into supporting your continued relationship.

At the end of the day, you may just own it: You are not ready for a serious relationship and that’s it. (the Young Soul* will think of this in a different way than you do, but remind yourself that you’re not ready for a serious relationship because you haven’t found the right one yet, but don’t say anything about that part to the Young Soul*who will start arguing that the current person you’re with is very much the right one for you… because *enter crappy the Young Soul*reasons here*.) It is possibly the BEST way to go about breaking up with a lover, but nobody believes you are not ready for a serious friendship.

The fact you “dated down” doesn’t mean true love to you – but it does so with the dog-type.

When we grow up and gain our self-confidence, most the Old Souls* wind up “dating down” for a long time, and even “friending down”. We choose to befriend and date people who we know won’t reject us – if we have a real unified flaw it is our fear of rejection. Therefore, we the Old Souls* tend to decide to cut back on our expectations, and the LESS loved or less accomplished we feel, the lower we set our own bar to, and THAT is our single biggest flaw if I can name one.

The same trait makes us “fake friends” because we have to fake interest in someone average to avoid being rejected by someone we truly want. But our feelings toward the person we wound up speaking to won’t get more amorous or excited over time as it would for the Young Soul*, so this leads to really bad breakups down the track.

Whatever you do, don’t allow people to write you into a romantic drama that is your life.

Whether romance, family relationship, or friendship, people tend to be looking for Hollywood endings to your disputes and discord. They may want to see a rosy ending where you, the immature runner suddenly realize that oh my god, the happiness was staring you right in the eye your whole life, how could you ever replace these people, despite their modest looks, who could replace their loyal heart… You know? That old bag. If that’s not how you can even envision this story to end, just KEEP telling them no, and don’t allow them to write you into a fictional story when you have to play it out in your own, actual reality for the amusement of your friends and family and fans and followers who cannot trash their rose-colored glasses for reality.

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