Chemical Love vs. True Love

Maybe you have wondered why some people believe love is but a chemical reaction to another person? That is partly true, but it is possible for people to use love-fetishes to make that chemical secrete into the brain without actually being in love.

You are, perhaps, aware of how sexual fetishes work. You may have a fetish for an object, a physical body part, perhaps a sexual scenario that ALWAYS gets your rocks off, so to speak. Similarly, people can have love fetishes, some scenarios, physical quality, or a deed that makes them feel love or loved, even if they weren’t truly in love.

It is at least as common to use love fetishes than sexual fetishes to manage one’s relationships.

“I miss him so”

The most common scenario that makes people who are not in love feel like they are is “missing” someone. You notice this when two people barely ever spend time together, but they feel terribly “in love” because they’re separated somehow. He’s working (oil rig, army, long commutes) and she’s at home “missing him”.

It is more than likely that they barely know the other person, their likes, dislikes (beyond the superficial) or their interests, let alone SHARING interests, but they believe they are in love because the scenario works for them both.

Fetishized Marriage

Marriage can work as much as a love fetish as a sexual fetish between people who are truly not in love. The scenario is loaded with both love signals and sexual signals, and it is easy to miss the fact you don’t really even like each other, let alone love each other. When “love” is reduced to mere action of “taking care of each other’s physical needs”, then it is a fetish.

“She cooks me dinners.” “He pays my bills.” “We have children together.” These are all fetishes. Not that they can’t feel good inside true love/sexual chemistry marriage, but they simply don’t take as much space as in a fetishized marriage. Then, the feeling is: “We can’t get enough of each other’s company. We talk all the time. He/she’s my best friend and we are constantly laughing and having fun. Oh and yes. We’ve got kids. And sure, we eat together.” All of those things that are the entire substance of a fetishized marriage, to a couple who are truly in love is a mere side thought; practicality. “Oh yes. He pays the bills because he makes more money, and I cook and clean because I have more time, and I want the house cleaned and dinner cooked so we’ll have more time to spend together when he’s home.”

Typically, a fetishized marriage relies on the absence of the husband. The danger here is, that if they would actually spend time together, they’d realize they don’t have anything to say to each other, and they don’t truly like to do anything together.

You can tell when you’re trying to force you brain into a chemical high

You know when you’re doing it. You’re focussed on a single thought, a single scenario, something that you know will give you a chemical high. “She’s cooking me meals while I’m at work, she misses me so.” Or… While having sex, you create some fantasy that isn’t in any way relevant to what is actually happening just now: “Professor taking advantage of a student with failing grades…” You know you’re going to reach that high, but it is shallow and meaningless.

You MAY also know what it’s like to simply connect brains with someone and feel every chemical you know to exist, shoot into your brain at once.

If you know you’re thinking of someone else when having sex or even when  “loving” someone else, like you’re imagining yourself into someone else’s shoes… “I love you like I was Romeo.” You know you’re faking it.

Maybe an example?

In India, arranged marriages are still commonplace. Even though I am using India as an example, I am IN NO WAY suggesting other nations wouldn’t fetishize their marriages, they do, and they do it CONSTANTLY. However, this is so easy to understand, I’m using it as an example.

As I understand, there is a whole industry of couriers whose job it is to take a home-cooked meal to the husband working on the other side of the city every single day. He leaves home, but doesn’t take lunch with him, it is delivered to him by a courier later that day. She spends half her day cooking his lunch, then, she spends the other half cooking his dinner.

The purpose of this charade is NOT anything practical. He could get his lunch from a fast food joint, I’m pretty sure. The purpose of this is to maintain the illusion of a happy marriage. He can keep working thinking how much his wife loves him as she’s toiling for his meals, and she can stay at home thinking how much she loves him while toiling over his meals. Neither one would know what to say to the other if they didn’t have this routine going.

The journeys to work are long, evenings are short, full of routine. The ideas of husband, wife, and children are used to boost the brain full of happiness chemicals that are reliant of a real-life game of pretend.

And, as I said, other nationals do the same thing, their routines are different, however.

Real love

Let’s take an Indian married couple who are actually in love, albeit in an arranged marriage.

Their parents were smarter. They found a match of two young people who had the same interests and the same curiosities. They found their children spouses who they knew were to their physical liking, as well, esthetically. (And not everyone likes the same thing!)

These two can’t stop talking when they are together. They aim to make the MAINTENANCE part of their relationship as quick and painless as possible, so they can spend the maximum time together, enjoying each other’s company and each other. They want to eliminate all possible distractions from their relationship, work closer to home so the journeys in and out wouldn’t take the entire early morning and half an evening, because they KNOW each other, they TALK all the time, and when they meet at the door, they hug and kiss each other, rather than emphasizing the idea of “Father is home, look, children, your father is home”, and then emphasize the “pain and agony of missing him” again: “Father will be gone again tomorrow because he loves you so.”

Real love is effortless. It is fun and flowing. It exists without maintenance, although an effort is made, it’s a different kind of effort. It takes expressions of love, honesty, reassurance, encouragement, and presence, sure, but it’s IMPOSSIBLE for people who are in love to fall out of love simply because they weren’t focussed on the idea of dating, loving, missing, being a family…

Love triggers

Pain, suffering, sacrifice, missing, in a word: drama. The social status hike is also a massive brain chemical trigger, but not really love chemical trigger, but related. “My husband died a hero.” “My husband is a doctor.”

Sex triggers

Sacrifice, ownership, “forced”, “obligation”, pain, in a word: drama.

Now don’t get me wrong

Real love can take a lot of drama. Like it can WITHSTAND drama. The drama may take away from it but true love can take it, overcome it. Fake love is DEPENDENT on drama.

Again, don’t get me wrong. Once true love exists, it can be spiced up with a ton of positive drama, the difference is that it is not the ENTIRE substance of it. You can deviate from one or two focus points and STILL be in love.

I do not believe that true love enjoys the death of their spouse in any shape or form. “But he died a hero” is no consolation to an army wife whose husband died on duty. “But he died for his country” makes no difference to a widower who loved her husband. “But you still have us”, would probably make her want to punch your lights out. All of this is a consolation for a wife who lived in a fetishized marriage – possibly relieved to know her social status is secure EVEN IF she’d never marry again.

When I fell in love with my True Emotion Mirror, who I’ve known for a lifetime to a lifetime. I felt we had some kind of a very silent telepathic conversation once. I said: “I know you’d die for me. I don’t give a shit. Would you live for me? Would you let me die for you so I do not have to live missing you?”

Nothing is worse than losing the one you love. There’s no silver lining, hidden positives, there is no heightened love… NOTHING. It’s simply a dreadful pit of despair and the ONLY THING that can bring light to it is another love – but that’s not what fetish lovers want to hear, because the whole DRAMA of it would suffer, wouldn’t it?

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