If you HAVE NO other sensible way to get rid of a narcissist, and you HAVE TO share space with them for a prolonged period of time, this post may help you minimize your annoyance with them. This list is basically narcissists’ seduction playbook reversed. The tricks they try on you sometimes will work better on them, as they try stuff on normal people who won’t even react to it because they’re not narcissistic. I’ll explain below.

Another thought that you may find helpful: Narcissists** are not evil. They are nice people who deal with life’s issues in a very different way than non-narcissists do. Narcissists** hate non-narcissists and vice versa, but the truth is, we’re all nice people who have different sets of principles and life values.

It is also true that if you ask a narcissist what the definition of a narcissist is, they’ll describe a normal person. So the question is, which one is which? (A narcissist would never be that open-minded about their potential errors, however.)

Love and praise.

While guilt trips control a normal person, avoiding things that would make them seem unvirtuous, a narcissist is controlled by praise and an uplift in status. A normal person needs to hear they’re “hurting someone,” whether true or not, and they’ll change their behavior; a narcissist needs to hear “people would praise you for this,” and they’ll change their behavior.

An even better strategy is loudly praising another person to entice a narcissist to try doing the same thing to get the same praise. Usually, their attention to the effort will end shortly, as they are doing it for the praise alone and will not go too far to get it; their motivation is low. They often feel like they would rather get the same praise for fake achievements anyway, but all this can be used against them.

Let’s say you have an office narcissist you’re all fed up with. Decide to go halves on a box of donuts on Friday, but give credit to only one of you, each of you praising and thanking that one person for the donuts. You just wait for the next Friday when the narcissist arrives with a box of donuts or perhaps something better, and now you got yourself a free donut bringer. Better yet, have your own donut bringer drop the donuts the second Friday and bring them in with messed up glazing followed with apologies, hoping that the narcissist can now swoop in and take the donut buyer’s position. Free donuts!

You can pretty much make a narcissist do any job nobody else wants as long as they get the love and praise for it – and don’t worry; they won’t be able to tell real love and praise from the fake stuff. Imagine training a dog: Ignore bad behavior, reward good behavior, keep expectations low, and teach one new trick at a time.

Don’t react to behavior you don’t like.

Narcissist love attention, so as much as possible, don’t react to stuff you don’t want to hear or see. Say you get an email from a narcissist in which a part is normal chit-chat, and a part is trying to make you do something or a suggestion to do something you don’t want or anything you don’t want to get into. Only react to the parts of the email you like the sound of, and ignore the rest as if it had never arrived in your inbox.

If she or he asks about it later – don’t remember seeing it but promise to check it again when you have time. (Never have the time.)

Never do narcissists any favors; never negotiate on an empty table.

Never again give a narcissist anything for free. Nothing. Do not even regift free stuff. If they want something, they better pay for it or do something for you to get it. “What’s in it for me?” If they ask you for something, the correct answer is: “What’s in it for me?”

If you know they really want something, don’t give it; remember to ask them to do something for it. (Vladimir Putin told Europe a couple of weeks into the invasion that they have to lift their sanctions on Russia. That was a golden moment for EU to get back to him: “And what will you do for us, Poopy-pants?” Incredibly, Europe said nothing except “no.” Negotiating with narcissists should be a politician’s playbook section #1: What do we get?) Narcissists** will consider it narcissistic that you don’t negotiate a solution, and in that, they do have a bit of a point. Never go into a negotiation with a narcissist without something to trade. For instance, if you plan on divorcing a narcissist, DO NOT mention the only things that matter to you, like the kids. List stuff that is meaningless, and make a big deal about something that is nothing but a tug-o-war-rope, and then, hopefully, they’ll feel victorious enough when they get half of that rather than full custody of your kids when you asked for a shared custody. ALWAYS leave room to give up on something.

Friendly advice.

Do you know how narcissist love to give you friendly advice that is nothing but manipulation? You can do that to them, too.

Narcissists** project a lot.

Narcissists** lack empathy. Whenever narcissists act sympathetic toward you while missing the mark by a mile, they talk about themselves. When they don’t know how you’re feeling (which is almost always), they guess you feel like they are or would in your situation, and you can get an idea of what’s going on with them by listening to their guesses on how you’re doing.

It may sound like belittling, but it is an attempt to show sympathy or empathy.

Change of clothes: new person.

If you need to sift gears with a narcissist, you must dress for your new role, and the narcissist will buy it hook, line and sinker.

Narcissists** are small on the inside, and they assume everyone feels the same way.

Narcissists** fear everything and everyone and relationships more than anything else. Therefore, they always try to have the upper hand in all relationships, and usually, they succeed, too.

They’re doing this because they feel like they’re “shit” on the inside, and they’re trying to hide it. They feel everyone they love feels like that, too. (And yes, they love others, but usually a fantasy fiction version of that person.) They try to “break you” so you’d confess to them your weaknesses, and if you don’t have any, they’ll keep attacking you as they cannot believe there are people who don’t feel like they’re the worst person and biggest failure or piece of shit in the world. They love their friends who feel the same way – or who they believe feel the same way.

Non-narcissists may easily “confess” to feelings of insecurity without meaning nearly as much with it as narcissists do. To a non-narcissist, it is normal to at times not know what you’re doing and be uncertain about how to go about a new thing especially, but that, to a narcissist counts for deep friendship; you confessed to them that you are, at times, not sure, and that must mean you TRULY feel like the Earth is shaking under your feet if you told that to a practical stranger.

If they ask you for something, give them something that’s almost there.

If they ask you for something that you’re in the position of giving, don’t give them that. Give them something that is almost as good but never quite what they were asking for, and act like there’s no difference and they should be happy.

Hide what you want.

I wish I had known this sooner myself: when it comes to dealing with a narcissist, they assume you will never tell them what the thing you want the most is. Therefore, you can hide the thing you want from them by saying it is what you want; they’ll never suspect that you’d actually say out loud what it is that you want.

If you want to NEGOTIATE with them, then hide what you want and play with something related but don’t agree to any terms until they also give you the thing you want. Make what you want to seem like a compromise you’re willing to settle for.

Agree to hide their flaws from others and have them eat out of your hand.

A narcissist will love a friend who will help them hide their shortcomings from others. They will also fear people who have hidden their flaws from others. This is a double-edged sword, and I suggest you use it only if you’re really good at handling a narcissist – when you already have mastered everything else.

First of all, normal people may easily hide others’ flaws for them without a second thought. This, to a narcissist, is friendship gold, however. Consider twice before you do it because you’ll form a near unbreakable bond with them like this; the bigger the secrets you keep for them, the tighter the bond.

They will also be suspicious of you if you ask nothing in return; if they are no longer suspicious, they’ll consider you “their bitch”, so make sure that if you’re keeping a secret for them, they know you want something for keeping it. (No favors for narcissists.)

The incredible truth is this: narcissists want to be normal.

You normally associate narcissism with seeking fame and fortune, but the truth is the last thing a narcissist wants is public scrutiny. They use it to SHIELD themselves when they no longer feel like they can pass for a normal person. (Suppose the rumors are true, and Amber Heard accidentally killed her friend in a car accident. The story fits, at least. Suppose she feels so HORRIBLE about it, knowing she’ll never be one of the normal kids again, so she moves to Hollywood to gain a fake image to protect her from her past.)

Narcissists** view celebrities as a freak show; that’s where the people who have something to hide go. They think the true achievement is to live a regular life with many friends in the community, where nobody thinks they’re weird or out of place. They will also always try to “cut the wings” of the people they love, as they think being a celebrity or famous or successful is a reaction to shame a person can’t shake. To them, screaming at you, “but you’re just a normal person, why would you seek fame…?” would be an act of love: “But you’re as good as anybody else, nobody hates you, you don’t HAVE TO become famous!”

How to play a narcissist out of your life?

1. Use their name to promote yourself without “paying” or permission. “Narcissist and I are very good friends…” “Narcissist adores my product.” If they call you out, say “I thought we were friends!” They’ll demonstrate quickly they’re not your friend.
2. Be beautifully delicate; demonstrate publicly how you deserve kindness and ‘mercy’ more than they do. They can’t give it to you, so they’ll flee. Don’t be needy, pushy, or unbecoming, but be… Beautifully delicate. (We often try to be harsh and argumentative, but that doesn’t work. They see it as a challenge and even as a cry for help.)
3. Think outside of the box; narcissists hate surprises. Be unpredictable and unreliable, irreverent and flexible. Change plans a lot if they’re not important. Do more than one thing at a time – be difficult to define. They hate it when they can’t put you into an easily labeled box.
4. When you are alone with them, act depressed or bored and don’t engage with them. Don’t give them a reason to think you admire them, are uplifted by their presence, or are trying to impress or entertain them. (Get visibly excited at the sight of other people.) Drag your feet and non-verbally “accuse them” of making you feel depressed. (Don’t worry, they won’t ask; they’ll simply avoid the situation:)
5. Try to have a lot of deep heart-to-heart with your narcissist. They HATE this. They’ll act like they were falsely accused of murder, no matter what you try to talk to them about.
6. Don’t ever act sharp or argumentative with them; it does not work. Instead, be always willing to hear their worries and what has hurt them, and make EVERY attempt to attack you into a sign of THEIR weakness, cry for help, their attempt to ask you to support them emotionally. Talk to them like you’d talk to a toddler (within limits) and watch them crumble.
7. Pity them in every turn you get. Share your worry over their well-being with people they are trying to impress. (Be sure to cue your real friends on what you’re doing.)
8. Help them save face when they’re getting out the door. Agree to a “public story” that you can both live with. (But pick one that you actually can live with. This is time for honesty with them, when you agree to the terms of ending your relationship for good.)

The good thing about narcissists is that they are negotiators.

There is ONE good thing about narcissists, and that is that they are negotiators. They are pessimists who do not believe they will ever get what they want; therefore, they are more than willing to compromise and cut their own expectations short. What they want is to save face, more than anything. Therefore, you can almost always get a reasonable outcome if you’re willing to play them a little.

Never go into a negotiation with a narcissist with the intent to give them whatever they want if only they give you (the custody of the children) or your freedom. Always give them a list of things you DEMAND, and be adamant of at least a few token parts that you INSIST you want for no reason at all. Still, so you can eventually give them up – a narcissist will always want the thing you tell them you will never give them, so make sure you’ll make a point of arguing over something completely meaningless to you. They don’t even need to believe that it is important to you; it’s all a play to them.

What’s bad about non-narcissists is that we have a very low tolerance for pretense and play.

Non-narcissists can be a little… Strict regarding their strategies at the negotiation table or in life in general. We only want the right thing and the right thing, and we are very much intolerant to the idea of compromise when something is important to us.

You may use this against a narcissist, too. They HATE IT when people are inflexible. You can drive them to walls by being strict and unyielding. The bad thing is that this keeps the narcissist tied to you because for them to let go, they’ll have to either be beaten down to their last breath or bribed out of the relationship completely.

It’s up to you how to do it.

 

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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.

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