Definition of “true love” and your personal bar

People interpret the expression of true love differently. First of all, people who don’t feel much loved at all think people who are looking for true love are looking for someone to love them. Unconditionally, I might add.

In contrast, people who feel they are much loved and quite popular are looking for someone they, themselves feel effortlessly in love with. Usually, they feel short-changed; “yes, you get to love me with a full heart, but you’re lucky; I’m genuinely lovable. I make you feel good as easily as by letting you sit next to me and call me yours. Your ego is flying high. Me, on the other hand, look and feel like you’re the best I can get.”

To be lovable is a valued skill

They don’t normally think it as clearly as that, but trust me it’s there. To be lovable is a skill. It’s hard work. And, a lot of the time lovable people feel like others don’t feel the need to return the favor. They want the easy way out, to perform some menial tasks fit for a girlfriend (typically) or a boyfriend, and expect it to be enough, while running their mouth, nagging, bitching, letting their weight get out of hand and either flattering their partner like it was their full time job or alternatively put them down… as long as it doesn’t require actual effort, skill, talent, or, you know, effort.

We all teach by example.

What is incommon for everyone is that we try to demonstrate perfection. Nasty people like bickering. They want to model to you that you get to bicker too. Lazy people demonstrate you can be lazy, too. Sometimes lazy people feel hard workers are a great opportunity to show them love, because there’s a lot of standards, burdens to drop. “You try so hard, look, with me you can be a worthless piece of shit and I’ll still love you.”

But then, there are people who don’t want the company of worthless people. They know and appreciate the fact to gain access to worthy people you have to be worthy.

If you’d ask them if they want to stare at the shopping channel all day without money drinking beer all day getting fat on fried chicken if someone loved them, they’d say “fuck no.” They might ask they find the love of a person who would be happy with that worthless.

People don’t typically want to adjust their bar drastically, unless they have experienced narcissistic abuse.

Perfect people may have suffered narcissistic abuse and felt forced to always be perfect or not be loved at all. Interestingly enough narcissistic abuse can come the other way, too; “fail, or I cannot love you.”

Don’t assume people want to lower or raise their bar if someone allowed them to or showed them how. High achieving people may get into relationships thinking “I can get her/him to go to the gym and help them get a better job…” to improve them, while a person with lower standards will think “they’ll be happy with someone who is happy with less, for sure” thinking the only motivation a man has for working is to get a woman…. any woman at that… Or the only reason a woman has to maintain her looks is to hold onto a husband.

Sarcastically, he’ll think “and then they cheat on her anyway, but I’ll stay faithful even if she puts on a few pounds.” In the meanwhile she’s eyeing him out “well he has a nice bone structure and surely he has some interest that could be turned into a rewarding business…”

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