Do you enjoy (non-intellectual) arguing? Yes? Never assume your sparring partner feels the same way about it.

The premise of a non-intellectual, fun,  social form of arguing is that you BOTH… YOU BOTH feel equally, that the love you share is unquestionable. If this premise is not there, ONE OF YOU is not going to enjoy the fight. You have to be absolutely secure in the love-bond of your relationship, before you can enjoy a fight. NEVER ASSUME your teenager knows they’re loved, for instance. If you haven’t gone out of your way to express your love to your child in every way, words, gifts, joy; they can’t tell. ONE OF THESE methods is not enough. Money is cheap. Anyone can walk into a store and buy a present. It’s a LOT HARDER to say the words, and that’s why most people shy away from speaking the words. THEY MEAN A LOT.

WORDS MEAN A LOT

When the ONLY WORDS you ever speak are in some form of a joke, a dig, an argument, criticism, or something else negative, you are quite fast making an effort to tell your loved one that you don’t love them; they’re a disappointment, and you wish they weren’t there. You wish they’d hurry the fuck up and leave you. If your teen ran away, or your spouse left you all of the sudden, this is why. Everything you ever told them IN WORDS was negative.

The fact you love them MEANS NOTHING if there’s no benefit to being loved by you. If your love doesn’t bring them peace, calm, security, self-confidence, joy, happiness, sexual bliss – when applicable – what is your love worth to them? If your love means constant stress, fear, insecurity, loss of self-confidence, misery, unhappiness, dismissal of their ideas, thoughts, and feelings, and sexual rejection – when applicable – why would they want to live with you?

Fantasy words.

Many people who love arguing but not really love saying loving words, ignore the words exchanged in the argument. To them, the argument isn’t real; the message of it is “I love you, I admire  you, I want to interact with you, but I’m too shy to actually ‘meet’ you as a human being.” You may then believe, that the same is true for your loved one, who is trying to have a real conversation with you. Because you hate real conversations, you think they’re picking a fight with you, and there you go again. You give them what they hate: an argument.

A person who avoids the reality of a relationship will reframe every word spoken to them in a way that they like the sound of. “I hate you” means “I hate you for not loving me because I love you.” “You’re insane” means “oh you are so exciting and wild, crazy/hot ratio reads out sexeeee!” “Listen to me, listen to me” means “let’s ramp up this fight another couple of notches….” And so forth.

“I’m hurt, please stop” is some form of an annoying strategy meant to lower their defenses so they can then come back with a left hook, so to speak.

They can’t talk to you if you keep twisting their words. And you will never learn or grow as a person.

I’m sure this post is just as much wasted effort as it is to try and talk to a person like this. This, too, is probably seen as some form of manipulation or a setup for a “cool person coalition” or some shit like that…. But I’m going to try.

If you always ignore another person’s words and their meaning and reassign a random  meaning to them as you please, HOW IN THE WORLD do you attempt to communicate your meaning to another person, when there is MORE TO SAY than “I love you, I love you, I love you….” “What more is there to say to a loved one?” You might wonder.

If this is the way you think… Do you understand the expression “good bye”?

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