Ever wondered if you are a narcissist? Check this.

In the core of narcissism is the belief that oneself is perfect. Verbally, it would be expressed in three different ways. (Narcissism in the developmentally challenged:) “I am perfect the way I am. Normal people are flawed.” (Narcissism in the bog-standard average person:) “I have reached all standard life goals in a timely manner, therefore, I am a perfect individual. People who do not live a normal life are flawed.” Or (narcissism in the over-achiever:) “people expect me to be perfect and be an example to others. If I fail to be perfect, people will be disappointed in me. Normal people are supposed to help me be an example to them (my job as a role model is very stressful and I can’t do it alone. People should respect that.)”

Narcissism is always born out of a misunderstanding of what is the expectation (enough) and what is perfection (the highest possible standard to reach). A narcissist is not unable to feel love, despite the popular belief of that to be the case, it’s just that the way they express that love is highly disturbed, and often anything but welcome or helpful. In a word, you’d rather have a narcissist as your enemy than your best friend, as truly, they are easier managed from afar, and cuts their power on you to a half of what it was.

Not always that flashy

It is absolutely a false belief that a narcissist is always a condition of near-perfect people. It is MUCH MORE common even in regular people, who have learned to patch up their insecurities by making themselves believe that more capable people than them are victims of brain-washing or simply evil and power-hungry. It is also much easier to reach “the standard” if you’re aiming for a normal life, than what it is if you’re aiming for excellence. A narcissist will be a narcissist regardless of the standard they pursue because the problem is in what they consider “the underlying goal” to be.

Narcissists** do not thrive for happiness, they thrive for pride; to be admired. A narcissist, in their happiest way of being, is proud of their own achievements and the achievements of their spouse and family, not for HAVING the family without the notion of achievement. This doesn’t mean that non-narcissists couldn’t be ambitious, it simply means that they are ambitious IN ADDITION to thriving toward genuine happiness. The pursuit of happiness is included in their thrive for achievement. Non-narcissist wants their children to be HAPPY first, and high-achievers second, and ONLY IF the child feels happy “solving puzzles” so to speak. A narcissist will ignore the goal of happiness, as they barely know what it means. In addition to pride, happiness, to them, may mean “being admired”, rather than… Well. Happiness.

Two types of narcissism

Type B and C narcissists have been conditioned to believe they are expected to be flawless. Type B may have been taught to be the perfect wife or the perfect husband to an average person, and type C to a royal, a politician, a member of the upper financial class, or a celebrity – or to be those things. Type B narcissism thus is triggered by a MUCH LOWER level of achievement than type C. Type A doesn’t need any achievement at all to become narcissistic, because they’re perfect and thus, superior, the way they are.

A) Pity-born narcissism (severe)

Pity-born narcissism has been developed by an overly empathic parent, relative, or a friend, who simply wants to protect a child or a teen from all or any realizations that they are any less than perfect, sometimes despite glaring proof to the opposite. Think developmentally challenged, intellectually challenged, physically impaired, or simply obese children, whose parents and family want to protect them from the realization that they’re not quite up to par with others. (Obesity in children is also caused by the parent, so… Double whammy, that one.)

When a person fails to reach any reasonable expectation of normalcy and is failing all or most expectations across the board, other people around them may rally up to boost that person’s ego by pretty lies. “No, you’re perfect the way you are. Yes but you have emotional intelligence. No truly, you’re a catch.” Emphatic people try their hardest to shield that person from the realization they are… A bit… Lacking. In doing so, if nobody brings in an injection of healthy realism, the person will gradually start believing in their own excellence, and eventually actually become a glaring, huge joke – even though their loved one’s intentions were good.

B) Bought-in belief in one’s own perfection in an average person (toxic)

The way this works is that when someone mainly functions to the expectation of the median society, they will gradually realize they “ace life”. They have more than likely gone through school and work-life without a hitch, managed to form a relationship, and have children in a timely manner “by the book, and on schedule”. This gives them a level of self-satisfaction that is difficult to challenge from a superior position, as they believe these expectations ARE the goal… The ONLY goal, when, in fact, it is only a goal for the average people, and does not suit the below-average NOR the above-average individuals.

This type of narcissist doesn’t even QUESTION their own perfection anymore. They believe it is a given they are actually perfect. They feel CONFUSED when others try to challenge that idea. They feel “unfairly attacked”. “But my school grades say…” They often try to respond to this by making TRULY unfair attacks on their part. Like trying to learn the name of that game by partaking in it.

The truth is, society is built for the average, and managing to live a regular life with relative ease is in no way a true sign of perfection, but an average person will easily buy into childhood adulation from teachers and parents, who were simply happy about that person doing WELL ENOUGH, and is ADJUSTING WELL. So they felt they achieved the expectation with relative ease, and thus, they must be perfect. If they even STRUGGLED A LITTLE to reach this median level of expectations, they may feel even more confident in the assumption that reaching a median is AN ACHIEVEMENT worth self-adulation and self-praise.

A toxic narcissist regards themselves as the baseline of perfection, and regards everyone else to be “X in comparison to themselves”. They consider themselves to be a representation of the very apex of ideal, while others are simply thriving to become identical to them, or trying to live with and come to terms with the fact they’re not.

They accept others’ failures easily when they consider that other person to be incapable of such levels of perfection as themselves. A narcissist of this type will struggle when someone COULD be like them but WON’T be. Their mind cannot comprehend a situation where someone is offered an opportunity to LEARN from them, how to BECOME LIKE THEM, but who refuses it because they don’t want to be like this person. THIS does not compute in the mind of a toxic narcissist.

C) Near perfection based narcissism (mild)

To be perfectly truthful about this, this trauma is more than likely originating from a previous life as a royal or a living god/goddess, perhaps a spiritual guru or other such a person whose flawlessness is a part of their job or role in life. This role may also be just the role of a perfect wife or a perfect husband in this lifetime.

The GOOD THING about type-C narcissists is that IF you were actually skilled, intelligent, and talented enough to be considered near perfect at the high-achiever level, YOU HAD TO be self-aware and self-critical at some point. They HAVE TO BE intelligent and talented to get to this position. This also means that people with Type-C narcissism are MORE THAN POTENTIALLY cured easily as if by a snap of one’s fingers.

A nearly perfect child or a teen may have been always presented to others as an example of perfection. The exemplary student, a beauty pageant girl, sports star in the making, or a child prodigy of some description; or in the case of all-around perfection, all of the above. There are people who are so easily good at everything, that they are being treated as if they were EXPECTED to be perfect in every way. The narrower their expected field of excellence, the more they rely on the one thing that is supposedly making them superior to other people.

NOBODY can actually measure up to this expectation of perfection, but the people who believe perfection is very much humanly achievable will easily react in fear of discovery: “I am flawed, but people expect perfection. They TRUST ME to be and remain perfect. They’d be disappointed if I failed them.” When they feel this way, they may employ a lot of strategies to cover up their own flaws and harness their closest people to help them do it. A VERY MILD narcissist of this type feels confident in his or her abilities but is still living a slightly inauthentic life out of expectations put on them by others. Some of this may be as simple as truly not realizing they are actually not heterosexual, but living a heterosexual lifestyle regardless leading to a few problems here and there.

They may also believe their perfection is in-born, but in their case, “the evaluation team” made a mistake. A TERRIBLE mistake, and that they cannot live up to the standards and expectations presented to them. This type of narcissist is crumbling under performance pressure and tries hard to keep the facade up by lies, cheating, smoke, and mirrors.

It is to be noted that people who are near perfect are not automatically narcissistic, even if the people surrounding them WERE trying to push them toward fulfilling external expectations and thus pressuring them toward taking the position of a will-be-narcissist; a role model. A role model will ALWAYS, every time, turn into a narcissist sooner or later, usually the very moment they accept the label of ‘a role model’.

Near perfect NON-narcissist (perfectionist)

To put this into context, I will have to describe a healthy mind that is about an INCH from that of a Type B or C narcissist. They do not have a problem, but they are balancing at the very edge of high achiever perfection so that succumbing to narcissism (thinking of themselves as a role model) would be easy.

This is a person who thrives to perfection, and FEELS the external expectations to them, yes. However, they are PERFECTLY aware of the temptation of ego, the need to protect themselves from believing well-meaning compliments and exaggerations of their achievements. They are constantly under the stress of trying to keep a realistic self-image and staying humble while being showered compliments – and sometimes unfair insults and put-downs in equal measure.

They are ALWAYS narcissists’ primary target for someone to use and harness as their own flagship relationship as mentioned above. They will struggle to find a good, healthy relationship, as they will find themselves in the epicenter of becoming victims of narcissistic abuse. They may start getting USED TO narcissistic coupling methods, too, without employing them themselves. They easily start to associate narcissistic coupling methods as “how women are” or “how men are” depending on their own gender (preference). (This is a problem related to narcissism, but not THEIR narcissism.)

This kind of person is MORE THAN LIKELY going to have LOTS of reasons to grow resentful and bitter over the years if they fail to find a non-narcissistic partner of their own level and work opportunities suitable for their intelligence and talent. Again, a problem to solve, but not a sign of narcissism. They may JUSTIFIABLY feel used, abused, unlucky, or short-changed in life, but they are not narcissists.

Their thrive for perfection, too, is in-born, not a result of being an external expectation. This is not to say they don’t FEEL the external expectation on them, or that they don’t suffer from it, but they simply haven’t BOUGHT INTO IT. They know nobody is perfect, and they don’t expect themselves to reach perfection, but they will always thrive to be BETTER, giving them the ability to be AS CLOSE TO PERFECTION AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE without it causing mental imbalances. They will also always, systematically, reject the notion of a role model, as they wish NEVER to be put in the position where every action they may take will result to people blindly copying them as if their way of living was a bog-standard usable for all people to follow.

Matthew McConaughey is the PERFECT example of this type of person. Out of all people I’ve observed, he’s the most ambitious, most self-gratified, most self-satisfied person I know without a hint of narcissism in him… But someone who could very EASILY be labeled a narcissist as he DOES love his own voice to adorable levels. This man is HAPPY to be thriving toward perfection, not burdened or forced to it, he isn’t suffering from being made an example of great things achieved without accepting the idea of a “role model” (as to each to their own), one could say he’s laughing his way to perfection and has NO problems carrying that expectation set onto him by… Nobody. As such, he’d be the perfect target for Type B and C narcissists to form a relationship with, and he’d do well for himself to keep his eyes open for it. Of course, he’s married so the only truly available flag ship relationship role left would be that of his best friend… Or confidante. He should be especially wary of the latter, as they want to get his secrets to force him into compliance later – if he has any secrets, that is.

Narcissistic love

A narcissist shows love by showing their loved one how to be an achiever, either by standard B or standard C. Both can be brutal in their methods, for instance, JFK’s father Joseph, who lobotomized JFK’s sister Rosemary who was a beautiful, smart, vibrant young lady, who just… Didn’t really care for daddy’s goals for her. Rosemary’s personality didn’t match the Kennedy image, therefore, she was lobotomized, and virtually vanished off the face of the planet as the operation was not a success.

This is to say, that being the object of a narcissists’ love will literally put your life in danger. A narcissist of either B or C type will try to FORCE YOU into their notion of success and becoming the object of admiration or a tool for the narcissist to receive their own admiration. Sometimes even a Type A narcissist can go so deep into their own illusion of great achievement, that they will try to force even a near-perfect person toward “success” from the position of a superior, regardless of their own glaring failures as a person.

Narcissistic joys

Applying to all narcissists; the joy of other’s failure is the most perfect of joys these people can feel. Some of them, if not all, are also sexually turned on by observing an inferior person be inferior to them. (They may not at all be inferior, but from their perspective, it may seem to them that way.) In a relationship, they may feel sexual arousal is directly linked to the (violent) humiliation of their partner, friend, or employee.

Narcissistic compliment and insult

Narcissistic compliment: “You are much like me” or “I will let you serve me because I think you’re THAT GOOD”, or, “I think you might be good enough to be trained to become my own image.” Narcissistic insult: “You are not like me.” Being narcissistically insulted: “I’m not like them, thus, I’m inferior.”

“You’re not like me” or “you’re different than I am” can only be an insult in the context of narcissism. But the truth is, many normal people feel this TO AN EXTENT, we are all our own idea of perfection, and there are CERTAIN THINGS that we all feel are A MUST, a complete 100% requirement of a good person to possess, and if you do, to you, thus, those who don’t feel “not good enough”, without you being an actual narcissist. The level of RIGHTEOUSNESS you feel in forcing others to comply to these demands without allowing them to choose between your demands and seeking for another relationship is the key. As in Narcissistic: “I demand we are in a relationship together, and on top of that I insist you change in this way. If you don’t comply, I will still force you to it, because I don’t understand why you wouldn’t accept my guidance and help in fulfilling my ideals.”  Not narcissistic: “Look, I have high standards. I don’t think you’ve got what it takes. Also, if you don’t WANT TO BE like what suits me, you have billions of other people to bond with.” This comes from the belief that “you honestly, realistically, won’t die without my love.”

Narcissistic paranoia

“If I were in your position, I’d do X, therefore, I suspect you of doing X.” “If I don’t control you, you will control me, and I won’t be controlled.” (NOT to be confused with a person’s eventual realization that when living in close contact with an actual narcissist, they WILL control (abuse) you if you don’t get out of the situation (and/or stop them from abusing you).)

Narcissistic partnerships

A near-perfect person, whether narcissistic themselves or not, is always all types of narcissists’ primary choice of a partner or a friend if they can manage that. They can also become narcissists’ favorite child. They try to harness this person to be their flagship relationship, a proof of their own excellence, rather than a person worthy of adulation THEMSELVES. They will simply make this person THEIR badge of honor, a trophy, and a tool for furthering their status in the community.

A narcissist may also accept themselves to be the flagship partner; the inferior to the superior, and they will do their best to make their partner look good and be the best version of themselves they can be; thriving to achievement and admiration, not happiness.

Narcissistic refusal to be rejected

Narcissists** cannot tolerate rejection. Especially if they are not only willing to teach you how to please them, but also willing to change to please another person, they cannot understand in any way on what basis does this rejection occur. What is the lawful base on this rejection? They don’t understand even a situation where you’re gay and they’re the opposite gender, and they cannot understand why you wouldn’t want to change your sexual orientation for their benefit… As YOU should feel benefited by their interest in you, so it’s not that much to ask considering what it is that you can gain from this relationship… Right?

Good news and bad news

Pity-based narcissism is often not very harmful to others because people around that person won’t ever buy into that person’s tale of perfection. Their flaws are too many, too obvious to ignore. The anrcissist themselves is probably completely unaware of other’s pity on them, or worse yet, is aware of it but doesn’t know the cause of it.

Near perfection based narcissism is far more nefarious when it happens, because people around that person will do nearly anything to be that person’s friend or lover, to belong in their circle of trust, and many try to elevate them into positions of power and to make them a representative of their own people – whoever “their people” are. On the other hand, this type of narcissist is VERY OFTEN a reluctant participant to this play. They often feel FORCED to do this.

The average person is the least likely candidate for healing. They will find it very difficult to adjust to the idea that they are not, despite clearing all life goals in a timely manner, perfect.

Melt-down caused by prolonged narcissistic abuse

The people who go into a melt-down like this are not narcissists but victims (friends/family) of narcissists. They will effectively STOP FUNCTIONING as per expectation, to BLATANTLY DISAPPOINT the demands a narcissist has placed on them. The abuser may be either B or C type, trying to force another person to conform to the standards and expectations of either average people or high-achieving people. The victim will eventually simply REFUSE to operate for as long as the narcissist is still making demands and expecting them to perform tricks for the narcissist to be proud of.

It is to be noted, that a highly skilled person will severely oppose to being pushed into an average life, and they are also not at all keen to be pushed to expectations of high-achievers, either, but they wish to do their own thing. A person with low capacities won’t appreciate being pushed into either idea of perfection; normalcy or high achievement.

Bad reactions to one’s own imperfection

Type A

Should a type-A narcissist come to the realization they’ve been a bit of a joke their whole lives, they may easily make an attempt on their own life. Therefore, breaking the news to them should be done very gradually, gently, and with lots of love and care. You might start with something minor, desensitize them to criticism. Maybe start with a joke about how perfection isn’t achievable, and how some other people think they’re 100% perfect.

Type B

Type B narcissist will object to their last breath there’s any imperfection in them. In fact, they feel that EVERYONE should be able to be as perfect as they are, but refuse to out of insecurity or sheer malice, and that everyone critisisng them is full of S and just trying to get away from performing their duty.

Type C

Should a person fail their own wish not to disappoint others, then disappoint regardless, they may fall into mild depression or abuse of drugs and alcohol. This is still a NORMAL reaction to failed life goals.

However, an actual Type C narcissism can lead to severely abusive behaviors, where they try to fight against the feeling of being a failure and a disappointment by taking it out on other people. They try to humiliate others, ALL others, not just people who may have abused them in the past. THIS can be a tricky balance to make in which is what, and I’ll have to write a lot more about this in the future. As in… WHO is the victim, who is the abuser, when EVERYBODY in a relationship feels like a victim and is reacting with anger (OK and normal) and violence (bad – but can also be the only realistic way out of a bad situation).

Cures

Sadly, type-A narcissism is very difficult to overcome. The distance from reality to self-image is SO BIG that it takes a superhero to accept the truth of the matter. It may be possible to GENTLY wean the narcissist off their inflated self-image by someone who truly loves them… Often the person who created that ego for them in the first place – but it is possible that person is not there anymore to do that, (they may have gotten sick of their own creation not realizing THEY created the problem in the first place,) or by someone who inexplicably falls in love with them despite their glaring flaws and narcissism. This is kind of the frog prince scenario – someone needs to see through a lot of ugly to get to the beauty of that person.

Type B narcissism is similarly hard-wired in a person. There might genuinely be nothing to help that person see the light as they cannot see anything is amiss. It will be a lengty process to simply make them contemplate the idea that maybe they are NOT PERFECT.

Type C narcissists may snap out of it on their own or with just a nudge of help. They are often TIRED of having to be perfect, so they may feel a deep need to be told NOBODY expects them to be perfect, certainly not the people near and dear to them. This may require a little repetition and deep discussions, but for a Type B narcissist, the distance between their self-image and the reality is far less, and thus easier to accept and embrace.

Curb narcissism

For all narcissists, the realization that seeking ADMIRATION cannot be the primary focus of a perfect person, but HAPPINESS for all people is the correct goal of a perfect person may be a needed lesson. If you and the people you care for are not happy, YOU ARE FAILURE as a human being. Achievement and admiration can be OPTIONALLY you SECOND goal in life, but NEVER the first.

If you speak of narcissism in any context, you should push this idea forward at every opportunity: to get admiration these days, you NEED TO BE authentically happy and to live from your true self, rather than something you’re forced into or from external expectation. You should only ever admire people who are truly happy, not people who simply appear to be happy let alone people who completely sacrifice their happiness just to be admired for an achievement. We should be critical of people who don’t appear to be truly happy, even if they are highly accomplished.

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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.

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