Getting on the same page with the Normal Person* runner or chaser

This is the one thing that I WISH someone had been able to tell me when I was 20. My life would have been so different had I known this.

When the Normal Person* is convinced that they are “one” with you, it can be near impossible to make them see the world from your perspective. They believe you see things more or less the same as them; after all, you’re one. If you “run”, they think you have “commitment issues”, or that you are “toying with them”. Even if you’re trying to reject them, everything you say, they can somehow twist into being a positive thing, not a deal breaker at all. They feel they are the easy going party in the relationship. They think you are simply being difficult: They want to know which one of you is the top and which is the bottom. Which one of you dominates and which one follows the orders. This applies to ALL relationships from casual acquaintances to close lovers: They need to know who is in charge.

On the other hand, the Savants* are not at all into being either the top nor the bottom. They want an equal relationship (broken only subbing and domming in the sexual context). They want to establish an equality; you do as you wish and I do as I wish. We meet in the middle where things work for us both equally. (Note that many the Normal Person* females want to be equal in the sexual context, or perhaps dominate. Slight fear of men is common in the Normal Person* Female, so they fear sexually dominant men.)

Running and chasing

the Normal Person* Chaser

The Normal Person* who wants a relationship is always asking one question with everything they do: Which do you want me to be, the top or the bottom. You choose, I’m easy, I can be either. What they rarely realize is that there is a third option, equality. When the Normal Person* is chasing a Savants*, the Savants* lets them have some things their way, but refuses going along with others, which confuses the Normal Person*: I don’t know whether you want to dom or sub? They cannot easily comprehend the idea that “sometimes you get your way when it’s not too important to me, and when it’s important to me, I get my way.” It’s always your way or their way.

This creates the dynamic: the Normal Person* is trying to establish a sub/dom dynamic, in any relationship, and the Savants* refuses to either submit or dominate, as they hate inequality in relationships. They want relationships with people who do not require constant baby sitting, and they hate the idea of being the babysitter just as much as they hate the idea of being the baby. When the Normal Person* is trying to establish this, the Savants* takes steps backward refusing to be either, making the Normal Person* think that they are “being impossible to please,” after all, they are good either way.

the Savants* Chaser

When the chaser is the Savants*, the Normal Person* is trying to force the Savants* into the dominant role. “If you want me, come and get me, then.” They expect the Savants*, who is never shy on giving compliments or confessing love to someone they are ready to make a life with, to take the master role in the relationship, but the Savants* doesn’t want it…. They want their equal.

The Savants* chases only so far, never all the way to the altar. They chase enough to show interest, but then they expect their intended to meet them half way. They are not presumptuous enough to think their intentions are always welcome, so they stop in the midway, waiting for the Normal Person* to come to them – which they are unlikely to do.

This is just as well, because they wouldn’t want the dominant role. All the Savants* want is to know people in their life is there voluntarily. They don’t want to feel like they have to force someone to stay “at gun point”. They know what it feels like to be trapped into a relationship involuntarily, and they don’t want to do this to anyone else.

The Normal Person* are relatively easy though. If you want one, you simply have to ask them whether they want you or not. “You gotta meet me halfway here, do you want me or not?!” If applicable, tell them you don’t want to play games with them. Ask them for a straight answer, do they want you or no. If the answer is no, walk out.

What to tell the Normal Person* Chaser

What to tell the Normal Person* Chaser is a bit more difficult. First order of business is to try and explain to them that you are running from them because you don’t want them to dominate you, and you don’t want to dominate them. They need to understand that this dynamic is not an option for you. That should stop them on their tracks enough to make them listen. “Whaaat?!” What else is there, right?

When they have their ears open, tell them how you want things to be. This is the order of events that broke it in my situation:

1. I understood I was constantly giving out the vibe of “you don’t understand me”. This made them twist my words into a new form every time. They tried all and any variation apart from what I actually said. I pointed this out that I have a persistent feeling that you don’t understand or listen, and that’s why I gave out that vibe. I asked them to just listen to MY WORDS, not the emotion. You are more than capable of understanding THE WORDS. Also, try to trust them to understand those words.
2. We understood that they were trying to make me DARE to take the leadership role. They thought I wanted to dominate but wasn’t brave enough to. This wasn’t true, as all I wanted was for them to stop thinking us as a single unit. I wanted them to think for themselves and give me the same right.
3. The next step they took was to try and help me discover my identity as an individual, without me asking. They were trying to box me into something I could handle easer. When I realized what they were trying to do, I told them that we all need just ONE label: I. I define myself, not a whole host of external labels that we then have to fit into.
4. This made it possible for even them to understand love for someone who wasn’t Just Like Them, or One With Them. It became possible to love and appreciate a separate individual with different aspirations, goals, and ideas, and even different values.

Establishing the marching order in all relationships

The Normal Person* are relatively simple to deal with once you understand this part about them… Impossible if you don’t. They simply want to know the hierarchy of the relationship, and once they have it, they’re fine. Like a pack of dogs they are. They don’t care who is the boss, as long as they know who it is. They can also be perfectly happy with an equal relationship, once they understand it.

When the Normal Person* gets comfortable with equality, it’s very likely they’ll turn just as the Savants* as then next the Savants* is. The reason being that life is so much simpler when there’s only one opinion that needs to really matter to you; yours.

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