Good news: God exists, bad news: he’s not really a god.

I am not exactly happy to write this post. I’ve dodged it for a long time. It’s like I’ve wanted this blow to be the last one, and I put it right at the top if things go well. I talk to God daily. The Christian God that is. Yet, I’ve lost my faith in him, completely. I know he means well. He WANTS TO be a god to us, and by god, I mean… Effectively what True Emotion Mirrors are to each other. Or rather, what Precious Soulmates are to each other. I think that’s what he’s, deep down, after. I believe HE wants love and believes we do, too. And when we go out there looking for true love,  he’s there wishing to offer it – but that’s not what we mean by our search of love. That’s HIS quest.

Silverback gorillas reincarnated

The problem is, that this seems to be very much a human soul, who has come to believe he is a god. He is no different from other gods, by the way, who are ALSO just dead people with a god complex.

I believe what they are originally, are silverback gorillas whose power and position was unquestionable. Whatever god we’re born under, was OUR silverback, or equivalent, given that I believe we may originate from the souls of different species, even if genetically we come from the chimpanzee. We’ve reincarnated into human form, and in some cases, the silverback failed to realize things have moved on and has kept on attempting to resume his role as the unquestionable superior of his tribe.

In spirit, I met with an actual silverback gorilla, who, telepathically tried to introduce himself: “I am the One. The King… The Undeniable.” He was in search of a word that would convey the absolute power he held toward others. ALL others. His power was… A law of nature. Unlike OUR silverback, he was smart tho. 😀 He was able to communicate. He understood the reasons why humans go for equality these days, and he was…. even embarrassed how he’d fallen behind in psychological evolution, vowing he’d never be such an animal again. 😉 He is still here from time to time, often calmly smiling at his juvenile belief he was The One and Only One. That can’t be said of our “gods”.

A bit pathetic, really

Now… Don’t get me wrong. I feel more compassion toward gods. It’s a tough freaking thing to face, that your time as a god is past you. It must be. I don’t think he even believes in himself anymore. At times, he does, and then, I remind him how things are now… “I OUTSMARTED YOU. You are as much a god as any lunatic in an asylum. You hold no more power over humans than any other human with an obsessive need to control and manipulate does.”

The way his logic work is just like any other narcissist. He punishes you for not loving him to make you ask for his love. He chooses who he wants to be his favorite, then bullies them for love, and if they are not giving him their love, he bullies them more. He believes that if their lives are shitty enough, they’ll eventually fall on their knees and beg for his help. And yes, sometimes it helps. Some people are freaking addicted to this very feeling, and LOVE IT when it happens.

Others… Not so much.

SOMEBODY’S True Emotion Mirror

Honestly, your own True Emotion Mirror, to you, feels like God or a Goddess. They TRULY do. I can’t emphasize this enough. You WORSHIP them. Therefore, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if someone promoted their OWN True Emotion Mirror as a god to all humanity (they could convince of their godliness) to make sure everybody knows THEIR True Emotion Mirror is the best.

Now… In MY soul group, the same has been done to Jesus Christ, who is OUR True Emotion Mirror. The rest of you don’t need to love him. To US, he is perfection. WE love him more than any other man, and we also regard him as a man… Just… A very, very god-like man. I apologize. He dazzled us… By… Breathing so handsome. <3 And his dad…!! (And, apparently, his mom was quite well-liked, too, in certain circles…)

I truly believe that IF you were surrounded by your True Emotion Mirrors, you’d imagine loving thy neighbors (your closest ones) is the EASIEST thing in the world to do. “Just love thy neighbors! No worries in this world left, your besties are with ya!” We are now separated into different corners of the world, surrounded by Trail Companions* and know… Loving is sometimes IMPOSSIBLE, not only difficult…

I will kill you before I get on my knees, you fuck!

I have sworn in his face countless of times. I have threatened his life. There are times I’ve told him that despite it all, I don’t hate him, as I CHOSE to worship him when I was young, and it’s MY BAD that I gave him that space in my life in the first place. I willingly did. Despite this, I have NEVER asked him for anything. I tried praying a few times when I was a child. The only REAL prayer I’ve said was in 2000 when I left the church and asked him to forgive me my doubt if, in fact, he was God. I always FELT his presence and his guidance. His love. Even in that moment, walking to an optician I had an appointment with, I felt him looking at me calmly, from my top right, as I spoke.

“It is not so much that I don’t believe YOU exist. I just don’t believe the Church and Christians know the first thing about what you are. I don’t know who taught them. I don’t know where they got their story from. I know the Bible has been tampered with hundreds of times between then and now. I need to ask these questions. I HAVE to talk TO YOU, or find my answers myself. I will simply wipe my slate clean, but I will be leaving the Church.”

In 2012, he started talking. In fact, I felt the first push toward New Age spirituality already in 1998, but I felt I was going a bit too crazy a bit too fast, so I put a lid on it.

And now, it is 2021… I hope it’s going to be over soon. I am inclined to say “I can’t take much more of this” but it’s bullshit. People take whatever they must as long as they breathe, and once they stop breathing, they’ll just start over. That’s what we do. There’s no “I can’t take it”. Fuck. What choice do we have but to take whatever BS others are throwing in our way? We just deal. BUT. I won’t get on my knees to stop it. I’d much rather overthrow his power – seems like the easier plan… In that case, I am the anti-Christ. I’ll say a bit more about that later.

Virgin Mary

However, there’s a female god, who you would know as Virgin Mary, who is… One hell of a piece of shit. I know this is blasphemy, and that in my state of residence, there’s still a law against it – but I’d love the chance to defend myself in the court of law – just imagine the press coverage for the most bizarre law case of 2020’s. I’d fucking love it.

I may as well come out and say it… Also not something I like being public about: I believe I am Mary Magdalene reincarnated. And yes, I can remember the times of Jesus, and they do deviate from the Bible quite a bit but I can explain the connections between Biblical events and what actually happened. Most of it at least. There are some blanks – some inconvenient enough to discredit me entirely if you don’t want to believe me, how else? But there’s no particular need for you to believe me, there will be no fires of Hell involved if you don’t. You’d be stupid to even entertain the idea without hearing the so-called evidence, the memories… and some uncanny facial reconstructions from the sculls of other previous lives of mine… And… Stuff. But I digress. That’s not the point of the post albeit it is a factor.

Barren Mary

Anyway, Virgin Mary is a stupid, plain, barren female who St. Peter took a shining to as the epitome of female virtue based on the fact she was a virgin. What the word meant – and I don’t know the language we spoke, I think it was Armenian, but I am not sure. It was also 2000 years old Armenian, there were a lot of words that had a very unspecific meaning to them. “A virgin” was one of those words. What it effectively meant was “a female who hasn’t given birth yet”. I think a pregnant woman could have been called a virgin, but I’m not sure if that would have been needed, I believe the focus would have been on the fact she was “with a child” or in “a blessed state”, but what the word meant in a person’s mind was “she hasn’t got children”. The reason for this isn’t apparent. In the mind of St. Peter, the reason for Virgin Mary’s childlessness was not that she was untouched – she was married after all – but that she was as barren as the Sahara desert. St. Peter never thought of that as a possible explanation – I doubt he knew it was a thing a woman could have. He had this romantic notion about pure women, and that what he saw her as.

Being too polite to enlighten him on his naivety, we all kind of… Played along. And given the fact she was SO needy of a child, she wanted nothing as much as a child, I didn’t interfere when she babysat my boy… Who you know as Jesus, and passed him off as her own.

Later generations then, in confusion about who the actual mother was, decided it was much more interesting if the “son of God” would be the son of a virgin rather than the son of a whore… Mary Magdalene.

Words with confusing meanings

God was a word that didn’t exist in the language back then. The closest thing to it was “a king”. The distinction between the two was ‘the heavenly king’, or ‘the earthly king’. Also, ‘father’, and ‘my father in heaven’. My child Jesus, he often prayed/spoke to both ‘his father in Heaven’, meaning his mortal father, and ‘god’, the ‘heavenly god’ hence the confusion, ADDED to the fact that his mortal father was crucified due to planning treason against the King. His followers were calling him ‘King”, and explained to everybody it was a joke between drinking buddies. His plans failed, and he was crucified as “the King of the Jews”. He never revealed his plans to me, and I foolishly assumed he was crucified for the fact I, with my friends, were teaching against “the old religion”, so I said… “he died for our sins”.

Sin, as a word, meant the “feeling of guilt” or “a crime committed”. The logic was, that lest you’d done something wrong, you wouldn’t feel guilt and vice versa, so having two different words was unnecessary. Therefore, the better translation for “he died for our sins” would have been, “he died for the crimes we committed”.

In the Bible, Jesus often answers illogically to the question if he’s the son of God or not. In some passages, he says he is, in others, he says he isn’t. The reason for this is that the answer would depend on the context. If someone assumed he was the son of God in Heaven, he’d laugh and say of course not, he’s the son of a man, nicknamed King. If they’d ask if he’s the son of King, he’d say yes he is. To add to the confusion, once his father passed, he’d often pray to him, as I mentioned, confusing the ideas of the father in heaven with the god in heaven.

Mary, by the way, meant “a wife”. And by the day’s idea, a wife automatically included the words mother, a cook, and a cleaner. This meant that “virgin mary” often referred to a maid, a young woman who’d also look after the children. Now, the trouble with Virgin Mary was that she was already married. The title stuck well past her childhood and teen years, making her THAT Virgin Mary.

Wife defiled

Mary Magdalene, however, meant “a wife defiled”, which meant any woman who had had sex but was unmarried rather than widowed. In my case, the name came from the fact I didn’t honor the husband appointed to me, as I felt I was too young to even give consent to a marriage. I was married to a Roman official of some description, his official rank is unclear to me, but I believe a governor would be an apt description. I believe Romans didn’t marry children in this manner, but whatever they felt was ‘a child’ is another question entirely. Is it a young girl who hasn’t started her periods yet?

Anyway… I left him after giving birth to twins, one was raised as a soldier, and the other was given a formal education. I have a memory of only the soldier from then on. He stuck his neck out for me, and I swore in his face that I should have killed him at birth because he is a dirty Roman soldier with not enough honor to leave his post like his father did. His father was the man who left his post, gave his riches to the poor and joined the Jesi and became one of the preachers we know as A Jesus.

When I left him, my family contemplated the option of stoning me to death for defiling the name of the family, but my cousin, one of the Jesi, persuaded my family to spare my life, release me to his care, he’d teach me a better way. In accordance to the law, they demanded I’d wear a red scarf – a scarf dunked in goat’s blood, the name of the color was ‘magdalene’.

Many Jesi, many Mary Magdalenes

Jesus was a title for a man who believed himself to be “the next from God”, as in so spiritually enlightened there was nobody between him and God. This was not as narcissistic as it sounds, this was a position that required a lot of humility, a lot of self-study, scrutiny because it was the highest title in the existence, yet you had to give it to yourself. The chances of getting it wrong were high, and the people following you had to be responsible of whose story they buy. Some Jesi were absolute charletons, as you can imagine, some were… Truly worth the title.

They didn’t have a unified view, often, as they went into their craft from the very the Ravens* idea: “I am responsible for what I teach”, and if I truly believe I speak directly to God, no negotiation between other Jesi makes sense. Some believed in chastity, some didn’t. Some had NO NOTION of such foolishness, and when a Jesus had a Magdalene wash his feet with her hair, I assure you it wasn’t a holy affair the way we interpret it. You do not go to a whore house to have your feet cleaned for any other reason but for the sexual kicks of it.

St. Peter was one of the men who believed FULLY that a man of God couldn’t possibly be tempted by carnal pleasures, but… Just as he was about to declare himself a Jesus, God threw a curve ball at him: Me. I am a… Hmm… Well. The Mary Magdalene. Men have a weakness for me. :p

He was the most handsome of all the Jesi, he was perfect. He was smart and amazing, his standards for himself were higher than any other Jesi, and I loved him to bits. BUT. He saw me as god’s cruel punishment, the temptation he needed to curb, and he felt I wasn’t exactly making things easy for him, being the way I am. So we argued a lot. CONSTANTLY, in fact.

That is to say that there were a lot of Jesi around. And many of them had wives, who modern New Age associates as “Mary Magdalenes” as if Mary Magdalene was in fact, a name. My actual name was Miriam, apparently, a scent of a certain flower, probably a yasmin but I’m not sure. King told me my name, the same way as he mentioned his own name to be Aram. NORMALLY, I cannot remember my past names.

The Anti Christ

So… I mentioned I am an anti Christ in some sense. That doesn’t mean I am evil or that I want bad things for humanity, but I am an anti Christ in the sense that I can undo the Church the Christ got started, and I am female – the other half… I am against God in the sense that I claim he is not a god at all, but I don’t hate him.

Also, I am on good terms with Satan, who I do not believe to be evil, just… Angry a lot. 😀 He angers from people’s greed, selfishness, narcissism, basically all the same things that the Jesi wants gone, too. It’s just that his methods are different. He PUNISHES for bad behavior, but God forgives it and even seems to ENCOURAGE bad behavior in some sense. “All your sins will be forgiven”, but he assumes people will then make better choices after they’re given another chance. often, that only results to people thinking sin is a requirement for fitting into a church, and how can God forgive you if you never do wrong by him…?

Also, Satan tempts you with good stuff and just wants you to enjoy yourself, and I have seen NO SIGNS of him wanting anyone to actually worship him. He seems to even be erked by it and punish his followers for the foolishness of thinking he’d help them without a trap. He TEACHES people to become BETTER, God forgives people for failing over and over and over… Even rewards them for weakness. I do, in all honesty, admire Satan, and see my own conscience to be closer to his way of thinking than that of the ‘light side’.

I received a debit card in the mail after I first started half-joking about being the antichrist. The CSV number was 666. The card expired last month. I LOVED every time I got to write in 666 as my CSV number. I thought they don’t even ISSUE cards with that number, but I got one. You bet your sweet ass I still have the card. 😀

Should I name names? Some of the Jesi are famous in this lifetime. Some friends of the Jesi are famous. Some are obviously a part of that crowd. Let’s just say that this is the second attempt to the Second Coming, and male fashion has been about the same both times… :p

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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.

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