Helping people get unstuck from a cognitive dissonance; an ego-threat.

Everyone has an idea of self, an ego. Spirituality sometimes talks about “ridding yourself from ego,” which, in real terms, should be phrased as “ridding yourself of FALSE ego” because we’ll always have an ego, regardless of what we do – lest we become completely unaware of our own existence. Our ego consists of things we believe to be true about ourselves, but we’re only sometimes quite realistic about what is true and what isn’t.

Closely linked to ego, we also have an idea of another person, vos; you.

Other people always pose a threat to our idea of self.

In your relationships, who YOU are may threaten another person’s idea of who they are. We all take a lot of comfort and security in knowing who we are within ourselves and in relation to other people, but since we haven’t met every other person in the world, sometimes that idea of self comes under attack. Sometimes, that attack comes from a family member… “You were supposed to love me. You are my son/daughter.” Or “I was supposed to love you unconditionally; you are my son/daughter… But I don’t.”

The more cognitive dissonance you clear in your time, the easier it becomes. You realize that you can always learn new things about yourself, and you’ll enjoy the process. You’ll learn that more than likely, you are not the most talented person in existence, even if you were super famous for a ton of crazy smart things. Some of us take this for granted, and some of us fear the day when we realize we aren’t as smart/talented/whatever as we thought.

“I am a great friend to have.”

Your ego may not be linked at all to success, power, or money. It may be linked to being a good friend to people, being supportive, being a great mom, or a great husband. Anything of that kind. You may believe everyone loves you because you’re nice. Sometimes, a false ego can be negative; you may think you’re not well-liked when, in truth, people adore you. It’s not always bad.

When you realize that what you thought about yourself isn’t true, or another person thinks it’s not true, you may go into what is called cognitive dissonance, denial of a new discovery of yourself. “I betrayed my… HELL NAH, I’m a great friend to have!!!! I had reasons. I was in the right. SHE did it all to herself!”

Hold them to their value system.

This is a catch-22. Manipulative people use this all the time, so use this with compassion and care… Or as a final resort: Hold people to their idea of self: “Don’t you want people to think you’re a good friend?” You REMIND THEM that they wish they were a good friend, great mother, awesome companion, great… You get the idea. If they truly believe that, they’ll accept that a good friend etc. would do what you suggest they should do.

Maybe you have to ask them to describe themselves to you, to see what they believe themselves to be so you can remind them of things that goes against this view of self.

Still, don’t let people bullshit you with this, and don’t manipulate people with it. Such as: “You’re a Christian, right? Don’t you think you should turn the other cheek?” While sometimes it’s an appropriate comment, there are ton of times when it isn’t. Often this is used to make another person give more, to submit more than what is fair, so be careful with it. Unless you’re proud of your manipulativeness, don’t use this to manipulate.

Truthful ego.

You’ll protect yourself from this very tactic by accepting certain truths about yourself. Sure, you’re a person who values good looks, sex and sexiness, you like money and want to have a lot of it, etc. Nasty stuff like that. And no, maybe you don’t want to be friends with people who are like that. Maybe you’re not “woke.” (That said: “If you’re so woke, how come are you so comfortable discriminately and blatantly attacking a specific demographic in everything you do and say…? Or don’t you think they’re human? Do you think they’re WORTHLESS people? Who? White men.” So, maybe she has to accept she hates men as a principle, and then, you ask them WHY? Why exactly? Don’t you want to be FAIR and LOGICAL or were Victorian men right about women? That we’re illogical and emotional and unable to handle ourselves in a man’s world, but need constant protection and baby sitting? Should our daddies give permission for our boyfriends to fuck us because we can’t even ask your mom, considering she’s a frail woman who cannot take responsibility over her own decisions let alone her children’s…? You know. “Oh, he raped me.” “Did you say you didn’t want it?” “No, but I didn’t.”)

Oops. I shouldn’t have gone there. Anyway.

So you like big-breasted blondes with an 18 inch waist even if you can’t find one, so be it. Let her call you superficial, and what not, and examine yourself of whether it’s true or not. If you don’t like it, change, but don’t let someone else define for you what you should and shouldn’t like.

But you can remind people of their own idea of self. Let them sort out the conflict.

Subscribe to get a Daily Message