How do people wind up disappointing or deceiving you in relationships?

Trusting people can be scary. Sometimes, when people feel afraid of trusting people, they show more trust than they truly feel and go against their better judgment. This is because they’re fully aware that they have trouble trusting people, so they go overboard with trust and wind up burned. They force themselves to trust people and what they tell them.

You may assume that since you are friends, you have every right to expect X, but your friend might not feel that way at all. If you, as a girl, expect the man to pay, for instance, and he doesn’t, you’d feel deceived to go on a date, when in fact he turned out to be stingy. However, he lives by his values (respecting first wave feminists) and you live by yours. Assuming anything that soon will get you easily “deceived”.

Instead, you should always ask a person before you assume they are fine with what you expect of them and respect their answer. Pushing people into promises (or compliments) they don’t want to make (like marital vows!!) is only creating a situation in which you will wind up deceived when that person stops following your expectations. And, also understand that people are not always certain what they want out of a relationship, therefore, asking someone for a commitment too early on may not be a wise thing to do. Commitments are not made on the 4th date (unless true love struck in an undeniable way! If this happened, you’re both vocal and over-blown by it, and neither one of you feels the need to second-guess each other’s feelings.) Commitments are made about one year into the relationship. Nothing newer than that means a thing.

Your problem is that you assume everyone wants every relationship to be a close one if they bother having a relationship at all. However, a lot of people have “temporary” relationships, friends, and lovers, while they are still in transition to something better and permanent. You might want to ask them how they see your relationship to be, whether friendship or a love relationship: “How do you feel about our friendship/relationship? Do you think we’ll still be friends/together in a year or two?” If they seem wishy-washy, whatever they say is not a promise, for whatever reason. Wait for a clearer answer before you put your trust in them.

As a Savants*, you feel ashamed of your inability to trust other people. You don’t truly doubt people’s intentions, but you have trouble trusting their tact, sense of the situation, competence, intelligence, and what’s reasonable.

Say you’ve given a girlfriend of yours an unlimited credit card, and although you’re probably good for whatever she squanders, you might fear what her sense of how much is acceptable for her to spend is. You feel that limiting the card would be a sign of mistrust, but at the same time, you’re hoping she’ll do the right thing and not shop until you’re broke.

An the Savants* girlfriend, in this situation, would spend as little as possible, and only spend what they absolutely feel is OK, even if you were the richest man in the world. She might even be prepared to compensate you in case of a relationship breakdown and might feel very awkward about the situation.

A Normal Person* girlfriend would spend as much as she feels she can, to find out what the true limit is for you and to see if you’d forgive her over-spending; how much do you love her, exactly?

It’s a good idea to give another person a ball-park figure what is acceptable, as nobody truly knows your finances except you. Its understandable a poor girl wouldn’t have a clue, one way or another, what “go crazy” really means in dollar value. :p Exaggerate to a Savants* girl, she won’t dare to spend much otherwise, and give a lower limit to the Normal Person*, as she’ll blow it to find out whether you’d forgive her or not.

An the Savants* woman may feel rather disappointed with men, because men, in general, expect her to act like the Normal Person* women do, and when she doesn’t, men don’t know what she wants or whether she’s even interested in a serious relationship.

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