How Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not really a thing
There are two types of people in the world; the Survivalist* and the Idealists*. It depends wholly on which type of a person is diagnosing (or casually judging) another person, as to who gets the diagnosis and who gets to be deemed “healthy”. In reality, neither has a personality disorder, but they are simply profoundly incompatible as people. Here’s how it works.
the Survivalist* are often extroverted people who thrive on social interaction with other people. They are more than anything attached to their immediate family. They put social relationships first, and individuality second; individual traits must give way to social demands. They’ll sacrifice their personality traits and personal dreams in order to salvage almost any relationship, even when that person doesn’t want them to. They FULLY believe the nicest, most loving thing you can do to a person is to offer them instructions as to how to make it into their own inner circle, and that the worst thing you can do to a person is to exclude someone from their inner circle.
the Idealists* are people who are individualists first, and social second. They don’t form a special bond with their family at all, but bond with others through personal values, whether they are family or not. What this means that they value individuality over being social. They’ll sacrifice their social relationships in order to salvage their right to remain who they are as persons, and they let people go from their lives in order to protect that person’s personality traits, that they deem sacred.
Narcissism depends on your perspective
the Survivalist* define narcissist to be a person who refuses to conform to their group or social habits. If they don’t believe your reason for not conforming is stupidity, they conclude the reason is a narcissistic belief that you think you’re better than them. Someone who is “drawing attention to themselves” (by being different to others) is regarded as a narcissist, and a person who hides their candle and pretends to be like everyone else is seen as a nice, normal person (because the Survivalist* don’t really believe people have “candles” to hide, or if they do, they consider it a handicap, something that will make it harder for that person to find “real friends”, as in friends that belong into the same social group as the Survivalist* observer deems worthy).
the Idealists* define a narcissist to be a person who puts up a fake front in order to be liked, then forces or emotionally manipulates others to take part in their game of pretending to be a perfect family, group of friends or another type of a community. The Idealists* see pretending to be someone other than who a person is in order to be liked a sign of narcissism. They also feel extreme narcissism is faking talent and achievements in order to be accepted into a group of specially talented people.
The narcissistic personality disorder as a psychological description is somewhat of a mashup between these two ways of thinking about it, as multiple psychologists have been working on the definition of narcissism.
Who is hurting who?
In the Idealists*/the Survivalist* relationships, SOMEONE is always bound to be hurt. There is no possible way for these two to co-exist without one being hurt.
the Idealists* hurt the Survivalist* by forcing them face-to-face with the realization “they are not loved over anyone else in this world by their closest ones”. The Idealists* do this by not spending their life conforming to the Survivalist* (or helping the Survivalist* to conform to them) and convincing them that they are loved and respected and equal. This makes the Survivalist* feel disrespected, pushed aside, and made to feel insignificant.
the Survivalist* hurt the Idealists* by stifling them, forcing them to give up their dreams (lest be regarded as bad/selfish people) and controlling who they can and cannot love, as the Survivalist* marry and befriend for a whole group, not just for themselves, which means that if a Idealists* falls in love with X, and the Survivalist* don’t like X, the Idealists* must give up X in order to maintain a good relationship with the Survivalist*.
I remind you (likely the Idealists* reader), again, that to the Survivalist*, this is perfectly understandable, and they feel wrath-like indignation over the Idealists* insistence of not conforming and accepting the people who love them (the Survivalist*-family, friends, and community). A Survivalist* will always read psychology from the perspective of “How do I MAKE that person do as I want them to, and to conform to my will, or to teach me how they will love me instead of someone I don’t like?”
the Idealists*’s only way out
An the Idealists* has a way out of the community or family ONLY if the Survivalist* start thinking they are irredeemable in the eyes of their community. This can be achieved by acquiring a drug addiction (but you can never STOP taking drugs as nothing impresses and moves them more than a convert), getting a job as a sex-worker, or something else that is scandalous. With acceptable behavior modes increasing and increasing, the Idealists* will have less and less of a chance to condemn themselves in the eyes of the Survivalist*, and their departure from a group they don’t want to be a member of becomes more difficult by the day.
The irony here is that the Idealists* don’t WANT TO be thrown out of a family or community simply for being different. They will always campaign for more tolerance from the Survivalist*, who get more and more confused about what is acceptable and how is love and position in the society achieved.
Standards
The Survivalist* will always keep standards achievable by a moderately intelligent person. They will also measure intelligence by the standard of how easily a person conforms into a group of people. They consider people who don’t want to conform as stupid, even though in reality, these people are often highly intelligent, much more so than average. (But the Survivalist* don’t necessarily consider a high IQ a good thing, but rather a hindrance in the way of being social. They also seem to think that high IQ is a choice or something to be forgiven for and treated as a handicap, not an asset.)
The Survivalist* are also always irritated by the changing rules, so now they sigh about “the ever-changing world” as somewhat of a bonding point, “We all suffer because we can’t keep up with the rules of what is acceptable and what is condemnable, and we can’t really rely on the condemnable anymore because everything is AOK now.”
The irony, again, is, that the Idealists* condemn the Survivalist* for being judgemental, controlling, and over-bearing, which puts the Survivalist* into a loop of despair: They want to conform to the Idealists* wishes, but conformity, in itself, is what the Idealists* cannot tolerate from people near them; “How will I ever get to know YOU if you pretend to be ME?!”
Privacy and secrets
the Survivalist* and the Idealists* have a very different view on privacy. The Survivalist* act like superstars even when they are common as everything: they have a public front and then, they have what the friends and family sees. Everyone does, of course, have something that they consider private, but the Survivalist* are more than happy to hide a few skeletons, actual secrets, in the closet, whereas a Idealists* isn’t at all comfortable with lies that go beyond basic privacy. The Survivalist* see secrets as something to bond with, to the point that they do bad stuff just to have a juicy secret or two to tell a prospective friend; otherwise, they’d feel boring.
(A great example is Johnny Depp, who is a Idealists*, and Amber Heard, the Survivalist*. When Heard failed to pin Depp for domestic violence, she hired a private investigator to dig up dirt on Depp. The man spoke to over a hundred people, none of whom had a bad thing to say about Depp. In fact, he went on record to say that people considered Depp to be the nicest man by the account of people who know him. Still Heard, as the Survivalist*, believed that Depp HAD TO BE hiding something, as everyone has secrets, and she felt entitled to hearing them. I am also rather convinced she felt betrayed into marriage by Depp, who then “failed to share his secrets” with her because he actually doesn’t have any… Hence the short-lived marriage and the shit storm that followed.)
The Survivalist* do you a personal favor by hiding your quirkiness from “outsiders” like your future spouse, for instance. They attempt to standardize everyone and everything, so “personal flaws” will remain a family’s own little secret. This is insulting to a Idealists*, all of whom celebrates individuality, quirkiness, and people’s own way of being who they are. Anyone who proudly declares themselves to be “a little weird” is a certain the Idealists*.
Equality
the Survivalist* thrive on forced pretend equality: If you are more skilled than others, you’re supposed to pretend you’re not so you can be a part of a group. They don’t have their standards high, just so that the likelihood of a person fitting in would be higher. However, they are not called the Idealists* because equality is fake, forced on others, and we’re talking about the submission and dominance alternation in the Survivalist*: they can be dominating or submissive, as long as the social circles thrive for it.
the Idealists* want their personal relationships to be genuinely equal. They recognize uneven positive traits in other people, but thrive to form social groups that they feel comfortable in, but also, they’ll never accept a submission/dominance dynamic in a relationship if they can avoid it. They will always try to equalize relationships in terms of leadership. The worst thing you can do to a Idealists* is to force them into a social group and then force them to change in order to fit that social group. (the Survivalist* see this forcing as “strong guidance”.)
Interpretations
the Survivalist*’ core programming is to try and be like the people they are linked to. They always attempt to conform in order to express love or admiration and attempt to “help” a person conform to them if they feel love and concern for a person they love. An the Idealists* is always aiming to self-actualize, as in to liberate their true, unique self, which sometimes is quite a striking personality. (the Survivalist* don’t believe in “special” people, they believe in flawed and different, and pretending people.)
A loving the Survivalist* parent tries to help their children become younger versions of themselves if they have any self-respect or self-love to speak of. A loving the Idealists* parent tries to help their children become who THEY are in their authentic core. Now, to the Survivalist* child, this is truly stressful, because they feel like they need that instruction from the outside: “Who do you need me to be in order for you to love me?” When the Idealists* parent refuses to give them that instruction because it would feel like emotional violence to them to tell a child what they must grow into, the Survivalist* feels love is denied from them, and they’ve been thrown to the wolves by their own parent.
When the Survivalist* parent tries to show love to a Idealists* child, they are trying to help the Idealists* child to become a version of themselves, as mentioned. The Idealists* child feels stifled and controlled, and the less they conform, the harder hand the Survivalist* parent tries to apply to make their conformity a reality. The harder the parent tries to “guide1” the Idealists* child, the more the Idealists* angers.
Criminal profiles
A person who kills their entire family and then themselves is the Survivalist*. A person who goes on a killing rampage spurred by a religious ideal is the Survivalist*, a Idealists* kills for sexual kicks. A rapist can be either, but with a different motivation: the Survivalist* tries to teach a “cold” woman how to feel sexual desire and a Idealists* has simply decided not to care about that person’s right to self-govern their body. The former type is more common. Rape and murder is more likely a Idealists*, but the Survivalist* leaves their victim alive (because they think they had every right and practically did their victim a favor).
A pedophile is more likely to be a Idealists*, but a child-molester is the Survivalist*. The Survivalist*, in terms of child-sex crimes, are much more common than the Idealists*. A kidnapper is more than likely the Survivalist* and their victim is a family member or a former friend or a lover. An the Idealists* is more likely bank robber or a criminal with political aspirations. An the Idealists* may wind up unwittingly as a cult leader, but any crimes committed within that cult are the Survivalist*’s doing. The jealous ex who does X to their former partner as revenge or a desperate bid to get them back is the Survivalist*.
A teenager who kills his parents are more than likely a Idealists*. In fact, any child-killing their own parents at any age is more than likely a Idealists* and the parents are the Survivalist* who failed to allow that child grow up and leave the nest in a real way. (Meddling parents.) A Survivalist* child wouldn’t see the sense in killing their parent, but a parent who kills their own children are the Survivalist*. (Infant killing and illegal abortions are done by a Idealists*.) Illegal circumcisions are the Survivalist*’s doing unless the patient themselves has requested it, which can be either.
Drugs are mainly a Idealists* crime, but drug cartels and -families are definitely the Survivalist* thing. Mafia is the Survivalist* scene, and if there’s a whistleblower family member that leads to actual arrests in the family, it is a Idealists*. A drug dealer that traps people into courier jobs or similar is the Survivalist*. An the Idealists* may deal drugs but never traps anyone into the criminal act. An the Idealists* commits crimes with full awareness of their doing, while the Survivalist* can be turned to it by the company they keep. A Survivalist* can also be groomed into a crime, while a Idealists* more than likely cannot be, unless there’s a lot of money and an intellectual challenge involved. The Survivalist* commit crimes in order to find themselves a tribe, family, or a bit of status.
A person who turns themselves in is more than likely a Idealists*, but they do it coldly directly after the crime has been committed. A Survivalist* may turn themselves in due to family pressure to do so. An the Idealists* is unlikely to snitch on their friends, but the Survivalist* will snitch if a deal and a level of saving face is offered in return. An the Idealists* will only snitch on people who they feel deserve it (it’s the right thing to do by the community), but the Survivalist*, in this situation, is not a loyal friend.
How are the Survivalist* and the Idealists* Good People
The Survivalist* are good people because they want to include everyone equally into their social circles. In this sense, they should be considered the Idealists*, really. They go to lengths to make everyone feel welcome, whether they know how to do it or not. They don’t give up on people too easily, and they don’t discriminate between people’s backgrounds, only their current culture. They’ll always allow anyone who conforms to their ways to become a part of their community – but the inclusion process requires full conformity.
This is where the Idealists* and the Survivalist* kind of see eye-to-eye. We all, regardless of faction, want to conform to a society OF OUR CHOOSING. However, the Survivalist* choose the one that is geographically closest to them, while the Idealists* choose a community that is ideologically closest to them. Once they’ve chosen the community, both types want to conform to it to the best of their ability.
the Idealists* are good people because their focal point is not limited to those who are immediately around them, but they consider their actions on a global level, and take an active interest in how their own actions affect the rest of the world. The Survivalist* do this too, under the pressure of the woke-culture, because not doing it would make them a pariah or a persona non-grata, but the Idealists* raise the expectation for the Survivalist* to be considerate of everyone globally, but this comes naturally to the Idealists*. They don’t feel pressured into it but naturally inclined to do so. On a local level, however, the Survivalist* are better people, they take care of those who are nearest, while the Idealists* focus on people they don’t even know or want to know, really, for the sake of humanity rather than for the sake of the local community. Both types are needed.
It is the Idealists* who offers help to someone in need, even if they don’t know that person. A Survivalist* offers help only when they feel they can strike a personal friendship with them – or to further their stance in their community as a charitable person. Still, if you talk about your family, the Survivalist* are the ones who take care of the sick, the weak, and the weary, they organize Christmasses, Thanksgivings, and neighborhood barbeques, weddings, and funerals.
Try to coerse a Idealists* to do one thing for their sister’s wedding, and you wind up going yourself if you’re the Survivalist*. 🙂 Still, the emotional and romantic the Idealists* will be the one delivering a heart-warming speech at the wedding, and grant you that, the Survivalist* thinks that’s fake and pretentious, considering that this same the Idealists* was nowhere to be found when the wedding was being organized. The Idealists*, tho, are so unpractical, that they leave the organization work to those who enjoy it and who knows how to do it. Speaking of weddings tho, the Survivalist* can be trusted to ruin a Idealists* couple’s wedding by completely hi-jacking the preparations and ignoring every wish the couple might have for their own wedding, because the Survivalist* don’t want that wedding to turn into a circus, but be worthy of the couple and their love… 😉
I know you have your perspective
Whether you agree with the Survivalist* or the Idealists* on the description of a narcissist, you will have one by now. You are free to keep that opinion as you want and live accordingly. I fully believe that the Survivalist* and the Idealists* should be kept somewhat distant from one another as they don’t really play nice together. There are several reasons why the Idealists* may feel a severe need to distance themselves from the Survivalist*, which might be good for everyone concerned.
The two most important factors in any successful relationship is the same base type and similar level IQ. This enables the partners to understand each other and work together as a couple. It will also reduce the chance of non-fitting children being born to a couple with a miss-match personality streak. (This is true both genetically and spiritually speaking.) If one parent is the Survivalist* and the other is a Idealists*, the child will always have only one parent that they naturally fit in with, and the other may cause irreparable damage to the child by trying to love them the best they can. If both parents are one type, the chances of the child to be a matching personality is a lot bigger. In addition, the child, whichever type they are, will find it easier to deal with his or her parents if they are the same type, and thus, in unison communicating well with each other at least.
the Survivalist* understand the word “guide” as: “Decide on a destination and show me the route for me.” An the Idealists* understands the word “guide” as: “Give me suggestions of possible destinations and once I know where I want to go, give me suggestions as to how do I get there. At the end of the day, I’ll make a choice myself, and I’ll take the responsibility of getting there or failing to get there.” ↩
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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