How some women (systematically) abuse men

Men tend to take it for granted that a woman who wants to marry him will show a level of abuse towards him. This abuse is mostly verbal, aiming to “put him in his place” and to force him into the role of a husband. This, when it comes from a woman you truly love, feels good. When this abuse comes from a woman who he’s not in love with, it feels soul-destroying. Many men, who are soft by their nature, allow their partner to abuse them even though it doesn’t feel good to them. They assume that’s the way things are. That’s the way love works, right? Some women take the same abuse from a man, thinking that’s their lot in life, but this article is about men in this situation.

The difference between abuse and true love is simple: Is this love or not?

Don’t you get it, I’d be an angel if you would obey me!

This morning, I woke up to a vision. (I get these a lot.) My former best friend had had it. She thought I was being slow and daft, and that I didn’t understand the obvious. She finally showed me what she had meant all this time in my head: “SEEEE?!” She turned up in a fucking Tinker Bell costume (only, not a copy of it, but a real deal kinda thing, a serious freaking fairy get up, fairy wings and a magic wand included). “I can be like this, if only you treat me nice!”, she explained.

My immediate reaction was far from what she expected. Not the “Aha! Heureka! Didn’t realize that!” but more along the lines of “oh you think you can come here dressed as a fucking Tinker Bell and be all fairy tale magic in my life AFTER I do as you say, AFTER I submit to your will AFTER I treat you like the fucking queen?! Well FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS,” I said, “not gonna happen.”

She seemed GENUINELY surprised.

Fuck me.

How do we get into these things

The irony here is, that the reason why she “fell in love with me” (in the platonic girl-crush sort of way) was that I was nice to her when everyone else ignored her. She wasn’t exactly a beauty queen at the school where we met, she was dumb as a post, (still is, we’re no longer friends so I’m gonna say whatever the hell I like) and she wasn’t sporty, popular, outgoing or in any way remarkable. But there was one thing that she was amazing at; she was the best fun to go out with. I asked her to go to a soda pop disco once out of desperation when nobody else would go and we wound up in a study group together just at the right time (I had to meet a guy from another town, we were 16, mom wouldn’t let me go alone, long story) and I got her to go along.

We had a freaking blast regardless the guy didn’t show up. His parents probably said no to two-weekends-in-a-row, too, like my normal friend’s parents did. I don’t know. It’s also possible he was there, but I didn’t recognize him. If he was one of those assholes who think they have to change their appearance completely for a good girl, he would have shown up nice and tidy with a fresh new haircut rather than the long mane he was rocking before, and there wouldn’t have been a snow ball’s chance in hell I’d recognize him a week later. (I have a terrible memory of faces.) Anyway, we had a blast and I never asked anyone else to go with me after that, because fuck, she was a hoot. Not embarrassed, not constantly thinking what everyone else was thinking, not posing and acting fucking cool all the time, she just went with whatever she was feeling. She was awesome that way.

Until she decided she owns me now…

And I said well… We had fun but it was all that it was for me, just a bit of fun. (See how this goes?)

Obedience is an expectation

Many women think that people who obey them show them love that way. Obedience means love to god, to most moms, your narcissistic friends, and your abusive spouse, whatever gender she or he is. For many of them, oddly enough, disobedience means love, too. It means you are not afraid of them, so they decide you want to test them if they’d put you back in your place. They also expect you to put up a fight before you yield to their will. This is what soft-natured people don’t usually do, they simply go along with things to avoid drama and ill will.

When this is actually not a game of love to the disobedient party of the relationship, it turns into abuse instead. Unfortunately, it’s really difficult to tell sometimes whether “your sub” is playing and testing you or not. The easier they gave in, the most likely it is that when they start rebelling, they’re serious about wanting out of your life. However, that’s usually when the dominant feel their sub is finally “relaxing”.

If OBEDIENCE is the number one sign of love to you, you run a MAJOR danger of turning abusive in your relationships. If, in contrast, you have a tendency of harboring relationships just to be nice, you run the risk of becoming a victim of an abuse to a person who expects obedience as a primary expression of love.

In my case, I never take relationships (friendships) with other women seriously. They mean NOTHING to me, including my relationship to my mother. Therefore, I have gotten tangled up with female relationships, because I never expected them to give a shit about them, any more than I did. I didn’t even think about how some women are more engaged with their girlfriends than with their husbands, which, to me, seems unnatural, but it’s everywhere, of course, once I look at it. So, my examples are also about women rather than men, who I don’t let boss me around TOO MUCH before I bail.

Mutual obedience, mutual admiration, mutual trust, mutual wish to stay together, mutual respect and disrespect; true love is a to-and-fro

True love and true friendship is, actually, rather abusive. However, it is MUTUALLY abusive. Both partners razz and torture each other equally in the name of fun and games. This torture is either hilarious or sexy for both of them.

Both are permitted to play on each other’s emotions. Both are free to express anger, frustration, disobey, play a prank… Both are equally admired by the other (authentically, not pretend-admired). Both are authentically respected by the other. There is a mutual trust in each other’s abilities and understanding of the other. Also, you both disrespect each other’s false ego profoundly. You don’t want ANYTHING fake into the relationship, so false ego is torn down both effectively and brutally, both ways.

You both trust the other to know how to handle your emotions, and where the line is drawn. No true lover ever crosses the line, at least repeatedly or without realizing they’ve crossed a line. They ALWAYS know, and they always cross lines delicately, KNOWING what they’re doing – pushing boundaries and make it either sexy or safely educational.

You also have a high need to secure the premier so to speak, you want to push “the contaminants” that are other people, the wrong people, out of your lives. I mean that you all want to just be “alone”, even if the group of true lovers consists of 40 people who all feel the same way about each and every individual in the group. In an abusive relationship, the abuser wants to push out your real friends, these exact people you want to hold onto forever… In some cases, the abuser wants to push away the husband or the wife, because they get in the way of the “sacred relationship” as they see it.

Not one of these signs shows true love alone, they all have to be present or it’s something of a pretense.

The sign of one-sided love

One of you wants all that I described above with the person they’re in love with. That person feels either somewhat two-ways about it, feels unsure, or STRONGLY and ACTIVELY DOES NOT want that relationship to go on or forward. When one person is less than keen and only submits to their fate, it is an abusive situation and must come to an end by the hand of the abused, unfortunately. (I say, unfortunately, because it is a difficult bond to break once you’ve gotten yourself too deep into it, but nobody else can do it for you efficiently. People can help, though.)

The reason why people allow relationships like this to form is something to do with what they’ve been told in the past about relationships, how to be a good person, or what they don’t have the right to expect relationships to be like. The need to be a good person puts people in a vulnerable position in terms of being abused. If they are, on top of that, exceptionally handsome or capable, they are a prime target for a lot of people to try and make a claim on.

Often, highly sought after people are being guilted into place, they “have to” love others, they “have to” take others into account, and they “have to” be willing to accept everyone and be friends to everyone and blah blah blah. If they don’t, they are given all sorts of unflattering labels that they wish to avoid: Shallow, self-centered, selfish, self-conceited, ego-centric, narcissistic… You get the idea. So they try to be nicer to people they don’t really give a shit about, they accept, approve, give compliments and send out invitations to parties they throw to people they don’t really consider that exciting…

And relationships that shouldn’t happen happen.

Get out of there.

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