How the Survivalist* and the Idealists* shame each other (while trying to show love or respect)

the Survivalist* function largely on the feeling of love. The Idealists* are far more interested in earning people’s respect. The Survivalist* are very much like small children after attention, where as the Idealists* act like young adults trying to prove their capability in this world. The Idealists* have the capacity to become Ancient, but their the Survivalist* family members may hold them back for a lot longer than what is needed. Now.

the Survivalist* feel abandonment is the worst way to shame a person. To be not taken care of, treated like an orphan when the parents are still alive. “What did I do to make them leave me? How have I earned this cold neglect? People will think I am a terrible person.” the Idealists* cause them this shame by trying to signal: “I have respect for your abilities to take care of yourself.”

the Idealists* feel that the biggest shame for an adult person is to be molly-coddled and babied as an adult. Therefore, the Survivalist* trying to show them love will make them feel like they’re saying: “I can see you are not capable. You think too highly of yourself. You’re special needs. I need to take care of you because you, obviously, cannot take care of yourself.” Thus, a Idealists* particularly with the Survivalist* parent will always feel diminished and shamed by their parent’s mistrust in their capacities. All the while, the Survivalist* parent is trying to signal two things: “We love you. We are not ashamed of you. We want to take care of you and help you. You can always trust us – but you are not taking care of us! You are ashamed of us. Our way isn’t good enough for you. You need to be kinder to us, we don’t deserve this.”

Misunderstandings

the Idealists* need to voice this to the Survivalist*. “I feel shame because you don’t trust my ability to do my own work or to take care of me.” In reality, the Survivalist* parent may feel: “Your work is so important, you carry so much responsibility, that you need and deserve pampering after a hard day in the office.” An the Idealists* reacts poorly to the constant attempt to interfere and carry some of their workload, with anger over mistrust and attempts of mollycoddling them like a helpless child. The Survivalist* can often literally destroy the work of the Idealists* as the Survivalist* doesn’t understand what the Idealists* is trying to achieve sometimes.

When the Idealists* attempts to force the Survivalist* to back off by simply yelling at them or trying to explain to them that “look, my work is hard or important…” the Survivalist* feels like “the baby is crying”. They feel their anger comes from the fact the Survivalist* isn’t taking care of the baby inside the capable adult, and the Idealists* is trying to signal that. In reality, the Idealists* is trying hard to tell the Survivalist* that the baby is long grown up and needs no fussing over, and the Survivalist*’s attempts to do so irritate the adult so much they could explode.

You must voice this out

Whether you are the Idealists* or the Survivalist* in this equation, you must voice out the origin of your anger.

If you are the Idealists*, you must tell the Survivalist* how you feel; ie. “I am angry because you cause me shame by treating me like a child when I feel I am very capable of taking care of my business/life/family etc.” With the Survivalist*, you must emphasize shame. Anger, they ALWAYS associate with “you’re not carrying YOUR share of MY load”.

If you are the Survivalist*, you must word yourself along these lines: “I am angry with you because you are not carrying your share of my burdens in life.” You’ll snap the Idealists* right into place with that one, trust you me. You can also tell a Idealists* you feel shame because they’re not taking care of you, but you cannot just yell at them about something random. They will never understand you that way. (It took me 25 years and I WORKED HARD TO GET HERE. Most the Idealists* will not have the time or the interest to do what I did. And for me, human psychology and relationship problems is a SPECIAL, PERSONAL interest, and it took me 25 years to get there. Therefore, if your the Idealists* isn’t interested in psychology, they’re not going to be solving this in time for them to take care of you until you’re on your death bed. TALK. Use words. The Survivalist* have a TERRIBLE habit of forcing their people to guess what they need.)

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