How to cope with the knowing but not knowing

A lot of us are in the situation where you know that somewhere down the line, something big is about to happen to you and that you are going to have your dreams come true, but you don’t know when or how, and you certainly can’t justify your life choices rationally to anyone who asks. “I just know” isn’t an answer a lot of people accept as a good reason to avoid the stuff you avoid… I personally have had a strong feeling that somewhere out there is someone who loves me like crazy. I’ve also known for 3 decades that I will be rich and famous – but had no idea for what. I’ve known there’s something special about me, but such that it wasn’t easy to identify, and I had no idea what it was, nor did others around me. I was good at a lot of stuff, but not spectacular at anything. What would I ever do to become either rich or famous let alone both?

There’s tons of people in similar circumstances, most of them younger than I at the time however, you can forgive the young Steven Tyler for bragging to his mum that some day he’d be so famous that he would have to have bars in his windows to keep the girls out. His mum would pat him in the back and say “Sure you will Steven” and roll her eyes. Now look at him – to my knowledge he hasn’t got bars in his windows, but at 60 something he’s not doing bad, is he? But how do you say that you’ll be rich and famous one day, especially when you’ve turned 25 and you’ve got nothing to show for yourself, and manage to sound like a rational person?

It gets worse when everything in your life is speaking against your knowledge. Your sweetheart is married to someone else and is happily expecting their third child, but you know he is linked to your soul and there’s nothing that can change that. You refuse to move on and find someone else although everyone thinks you’re crazy hanging onto hope of reunion or insisting that you will never love anyone like her and choose to stay a bachelor. And you just know.

To most of us that knowing, that ultimate dream comes in the form of love or high hopes of achievement, but whatever form it takes – getting that Olympic medal at the crippling old age of 30 – you just know that is what you want to do, need to do and must do… Or have. There is no other way. How do you cope with not being able to say that “this is my destiny by birth right” when nothing supports your insanity? You avoid traps that would keep you from this destiny, like steady jobs or engagements to the wrong person, and people are starting to look at you a certain way. You can’t say why or how you know, but you just know. It’s somewhere so deep within you that you can’t shake it, but it also always seems a bit too far away.

To most of us that achievement happens gradually, one day you just realize you made it, to others it’s an overnight success that takes you from nothing to the stars in two seconds flat. And what about that great love of yours? One day they’re simply back. Something happened, and now they’re back. In the mean while, we avoid responsibility and commitment, act childish, hang onto high hopes and grandiose dreams and try to somehow appear rational. I’ve started avoiding people too. The less I need to tell and talk about myself the better. I don’t want new friends, no new connections, and I’m cutting out old ties like cancerous tumours that hold me to the old life of mine. I would probably turn to homelessness if I didn’t have some persistent friends who would suffer too much on my behalf. I would love to disappear. When I was 16 or so, I remember writing down the words “I wanna forget I exist”. This is what I feel like sometimes. “Wake me up when it’s time.” 37 years and now it’s so close I can taste it. Can I just sit here and wait? I know everything but I can’t tell a soul.

This is not much of a how to -post is it? How do I cope with it? Writing a blog mainly. Keeping busy and preparing. Trying to find a way or a new idea. You know your goal, and your life must be aligned toward that goal, no matter what. Anything that doesn’t interfere with that goal you can allow in, but if it does; away with it! And you just keep your eye on the ball and run at it like mad… When nobody’s looking. 😀

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