How to deal with your other people’s and your family member’s sexuality?

We used to be able to ignore other people’s sexuality with relative certainty. Just look away and pretend it’s not there. With the Internet, it has become more obvious that people we didn’t think had any sexual thoughts at all have an active OnlyFans account or a vibrant social life on Adult Friend Finder or FetLife. Let me get you in on a secret. We’re all pretty perverted. “A pervert” is basically a normal person who no longer bothers hiding the fact. I’d go as far as to say it is normal and common for people to have secret paedophilic and rape fantasies without making them either paedophiles or rapists. I’m not saying all people do, but it is perfectly common and nothing to fear. (What is not as harmless is to believe that if you have fantasies of either type, you’ll have no control over them, and you’re doomed to act on them.)

Nice people are kinky.

That said, I need you to mentally prepare yourself for the shock of other people’s kinkiness. The nice girl in your class was quite possibly outwardly so nice out of simple fear of letting people on how kinky she actually is. Your daughter might be acting super sweet simply because she’s afraid you’d judge her if you knew. Your son is no different, of course. It is often easier for women to accept their sexuality, however, as they are perceived as “the victim” rather than “the perpetrator.” For good men, it may be very difficult to view themselves as both a good guy and a guy who wants to share his wife with his best friends.

Asexuals, then? There’s two types, I’m sure. The odd occasional asexual that feels no sexual attraction at all to nobody. As a heterosexual, I understand the frustration of trying to convince people that “no, I feel no desire toward women.” To them, it’s just “toward anyone at all.” It’s difficult to understand when you feel that attraction. Then, there are the suppressed asexuals, who are so sexual, in fact, that they find it difficult to face themselves. Asexuality can be just as difficult to accept in a family member as their overt sexuality is.

It isn’t really your business.

While it’s good to accept that your children, family members, random co-workers, your kids’ teachers, and everyone else have a sexual side to them, some kinky, some less so, some downright boring, at the end of the day, it’s not really your business. Whenever sexuality is in question, whomever we’re talking about gets to open the conversation. If I want to talk about my sexuality with you, I will approach you about it, not the other way around: you do not start prying on my sexuality without my invitation. You may ask a casual question but do not get to probe. You have the same right; anyone who wishes to discuss your sexuality without your consent should have a court order to do so.

It’s really not their business, either.

Also, I don’t get to PUSH information about my sexuality into your or my family member’s consciousness by force; be “in your face” about it, without giving them the permission to reject me completely over it. My sexuality is my business, not yours or my family member’s, and even if I was an exhibitionist (and I am to an extent,) I still need to give you and my family members the option of looking and walking away.

Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi, non-binary or CIS, your sexuality is YOUR business and should be conducted in front of people who enjoy it, not those who find it distasteful. If you do put it in front of people who are not turned on by your brand of kink, be advised you are doing it to make people choose: Do they love you this way or lose interest in you in this way? You know that if you are non-binary, and someone loves people for their masculinity or femininity, and you scream in their face about your non-binariedness, they will choose you’re not for them, even if they didn’t judge you, per se.

Always allow people to look away and walk away when you become public about your sexuality – and don’t demand your parents and family members to be more aware of your sexuality than what is fair. The only thing they MIGHT NEED TO know is the general, overall label: are you gay, bi, straight, pan-, demi-, poly-, skolio-, or asexual, and that only applies if they like to play cupid with your consent.

(Pansexuals are sexually attracted to both and all genders and sexes. Pansexuality does not point out the person’s own gender identity, but points out their own attraction to others is not determined by their sex or gender identity. Demisexuals feel only romantic attraction but are not sexually attracted to either gender. They can be both hetero, bi, or homoromantic. Asexuals feel neither sexual nor romantic attraction to anyone. Polysexuals are attracted to more than one gender identity, without specifics provided with the term. Not to be confused with polyamorists, polygamists, polyandrists, polygynists, or polygynandrists, which refer to a non-monogamist relationship gender dynamic. Skoliosexuals are namely attracted to non-binary and transsexuals, excluding CIS-gendered people. Identity terms.)

Here’s a shocker: If your child is able to name themselves as homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual, they feel sexual arousal. Otherwise, they’d call themselves asexual or demisexual these days.

Look / walk away when asked to.

Imagine heterosexual men or women hosting a website for women/men respectively, and you figure that since you are interested in women/men, it is all good if you look. It isn’t. You have to respect people’s right to host open websites and profiles for their chosen audience, without butting in. That is, if you want to be thought of as a good, respectful person. There’s a “shouldn’t do” factor here, we can tell rapists they shouldn’t rape all we want, but if you’re a true rapist, that probably just excites you, and that’s a reality we all must accept and live with.

However, people who play by the rules and know what is right and wrong, should not enter a website, let alone a real life group, that asks them to leave for any reason. Then, there are game rules; maybe you’re at a party that specifically states there are no rules or whatever, then, things are different, but by default, you will allow people their “close mindedness” when it comes to sleeping with you, people of your gender, or non-gender, body type, hair color, or whatever else they may choose is not sexually attractive about you.

Obviously this rule does not apply to situations with underaged people.

Do not judge another person’s kinkiness based on your own kinks.

Polygynists find it perfectly acceptable for a mother and her grown daughter to compare their experiences with a dildo, for instance. The same two people would find it absolutely revolting to think a man and his grown son comparing notes on a fleshlight. Double standard. Both cases are equally bizarre or normal, but a polygynist women are sexually more open with each other than polygynist and a polyandrist will be with each other, at the same time as polyandrist people are open with each other about things they’d never share with a polygynist.

What is “normal” mother/daughter stuff to you, might be completely gut-wrenchingly disgusting to a polyandrist woman. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong, or that she is “close minded” for not wanting to share some things about herself with her mother or her daughter. The same way as what is normal father/son stuff to you, might be either cold or downright gay from another person’s perspective.

You should figure out your polyleaning, as it does help you understand yourself and others quite a bit, and their approach to sexual matters.

It is not a sign of good parenting to obstruct or oppress your grown child’s sexual drive.

Now, please understand the difference between “sexuality” and “gender identity.” I am talking about your child’s sexual drive, not their gender identity.

Some people are sexually driven. Some people are less so. It is not a good deed on a person to try and obstruct their libido for them if they cannot do it for themselves. It’s, as I pointed out above, none of your business. You can get involved if they ask you to, or have been professionally deemed in need of care by their own doctor, (not your shrink that has only heard your side to the story, their doctor!) (Even then I question.) Even then, you can get involved only if your grown child is OK with it and their doctor has agreed to it.

You should have done most of your parenting before the child reaches adult age. Now, it’s too late. If their sexual behaviour worries you now, that’s not for you to fix anymore. The chances are they knew all along what they are doing, and acted age appropriately the whole time because they are an old, self-aware soul, and they never needed your assistance in this matter in the first place. You maybe shocked and surprised, but even so, they are a legal adult, and if they showed self-restraint in their teen years, you should take comfort of that fact, not panic because now they have given themselves the permission to follow their bliss as they are legally allowed to. That’s why these age-limits exist, so parents can no longer interfere in their adult children’s business whichever way they like. The age limits are there to protect the rights of a grown, sane individual, as much as to free the parents from obligation toward an uncontrollable child.

Never assume other people live by your rules – and don’t expect them to.

There are no unified rules in sexuality. There are some common practises, there are religious practises limiting sexual expression, there are laws, but there are also people who don’t respect any of those things. In general, MOST KINKY PEOPLE agree with this: You can ask politely to join in and if you are given a permission to join, you can. You’re not supposed to ruin other people’s fun because you cannot handle rejection. The same goes before a party and at the party – albeit party rules may vary; the common practise is to respect everyone’s private space even if it is a sex party.

Your religious beliefs regarding sexuality are yours, of course. You just have to know this: Kinky people take pleasure in violating religious doctrines when they are pushed in their face by force. Disrespect creates disrespect, and religion is no exception in the matter.

Still, live with the fact there are people who will never respect anyone. They do not deserve your respect, either, but you still need to accept those people exist, because they do.

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