“I was only joking” tools of abuse.

While sometimes we do miss an honest joke or two, and one should rather avoid getting too upset over everything that sounds like an insult, sometimes “jokes” are being used as a tool of manipulation and control. If you get upset or uncomfortable about what someone says or does, and their constant explanation is “I was just joking”, it does sound a little suspicious and lazy – normally people don’t insist on repeating jokes that others find offensive or insulting.

There are plenty of ways you can accuse your victim of ‘being too sensitive’ or ‘reactive’ or ‘lacking a sense of humor’ when one’s “jokes” don’t land right. There are people who act in completely non-humorous and abusive ways and STILL insist they’re “only joking” or “just messing around” when people react. This is nothing but verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse.

If others refuse to adjust their style of humor so that you could feel comfortable around them, you have every right to be upset or to end that friendship without feeling that you’re over-sensitive. You also have every right to be sensitive. You have NO obligation to be tough and all-enduring, none whatsoever.

There is another point, however. If you do have a particular sense of humor and you want to teach people to your sense of humor, then repetition does work, combined with a little explanation: “This is why I find it funny. This is why I say these things.”

For instance, if I were good friends with, say, a transgender male or female, I might repeatedly make fun of their “fake bits” or whatever. The point would be to make them understand that there’s nothing to be ashamed of and that they are accepted as who they are – BUT it may be too much of a sore spot to keep poking fun at, so… Apology is always a good thing to know how to do if you are one for this style of humor – I am sure we have all overstepped a mark here or there.

If you are fan of inappropriate and irreverent, potentially insulting humor, as I think we all are among friends, you do need to watch the landing strip so to speak, you know, to see how the joke lands – or risk losing a friend if you keep over-estimating how funny they find you.

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