If someone isn’t listening to you (ever, systematically), try this.

When it comes to emotional needs, Survivalists* speak between the lines, and they also listen between the lines. They assume their meaning is obvious, as their “emotional” needs are rather physical. (“I’m hungry and I’m hurt because you never notice I’m hungry until I tell you.”) Idealists* speak very literally (unless they are writing literal poetry or song lyrics) and listen to you literally. The reason is that their needs are often non-physical, emotional, complex, and individualistic, so they don’t assume they are easy to understand.

Because Survivalists* and Idealists* are so very different kinds of people, communication between them can be very, very frustrating. So, first, you figure out which type you are; do you speak plainly when you wish to be understood, or do you speak about something else, hoping that the person you’re talking to will understand what you really mean?

The feeling of “I’m not being listened to” can thus come in two formats: “I couldn’t be more plain and to-the-point if I tried, but somehow it’s white noise they hear!” and “They don’t care enough about how I really feel, so they just take me literally and leave it at that!”

The likelihood that they don’t care is slim to none, by the way, it’s just that we have different communication styles that are inborn, not learned. Therefore, for instance, a Survivalist* parent an Idealist* child can go in circles around each other. The Idealist* child feels the parent lives in a fantasy world and comes up with the most fantastical interpretations about what they’ve been told, and in the reverse case, the Survivalist* child feels the Idealist* parent is simply lazy and cold to them.

Try these approaches.

Mind you, these are not gender things, although you’ll find a gender stereotype in these. The stereotypes are not accurate.

How to reach a Survivalist*

Either start talking in circles about ANYTHING except what you actually want to talk about. Be very indirect. Drop hints, but don’t say anything directly. Avoid expressing anger. That, to a Survivalist*, usually just means “I need a hug badly.”

Another good tip is to use their own words and expressions to communicate with them. They like worn-out phrases that are familiar to them, so whenever possible, use not only familiar phrases but what phrases they use a lot themselves.

The alternative is to ask (rather strongly is possibly required) for them to focus on your words and engage their brain, and stop listening to everything with their heart. Then, break it down to the smallest possible segments again.

Be advised that Survivalists* think you’re arguing about money (why they don’t let you spend more), or gifts (why you’re not buying them more or better gifts), or that you’re trying to tell them they’re embarrassing you. They generally speaking assume that if you’re arguing with them, it’s about something they are NOT doing for you, when an Idealist is more likely trying to tell them to stop meddling with their lives (do less.)

How to reach an Idealist*

Reaching an Idealist* is very easy if you are willing to say it straight. You also need to be very clear that they need to make you feel safe and cared for, because an Idealist* will focus on your feelings and thoughts, that you are not willing to share (or don’t have interest in), so they don’t think about your physical needs… They barely notice their own. 😉

An Idealist* thinks you’re arguing about the same thing you’re talking about. They listen to your words, not your lines in between. Therefore, if you say “leave me alone,” meaning “if you’re too lazy to understand me, then leave me alone,” they will leave you alone, believing that’s what you want. If they tell you “leave me alone,” they want you to stop arguing with them and go into another room (or in some cases even out of their very lives.) It is generally a good idea to STOP GUESSING what an Idealist wants from you. ASK, and take their answer word-for-word literally.

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