As always, nothing in life is black and white. We should never judge one thing based on one similarity between two things or in this case, two relationships. It is also often very difficult to see who is the victim and who is the abuser, and this is often a differing point of view between the Normal Person* (“you can’t leave me because we are in a relationship, you owe me love and appreciation”) and a Savants* (“relationships should be based on true love and appreciation”). This is somewhat of a difficult topic to write about because it sounds like I’m going to say it’s okay to beat up one’s wife… and I do, provided she authentically likes it rough…

I am somewhat of an expert in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and I have observed and studied this quite a lot. I am not a member of the scientific community, I am simply curious, like Einstein – I’ll put that out there. 😉 Anyway, a narcissistic relationship often resembles that of a True Emotion Mirror relationship a lot and vice versa. I would now want to make something clear: If you enjoy it, you should not allow shame or reasoning take you out of the relationship, but if your primary reason to stay is guilt and a sense of responsibility or “owing” while, in honesty, you want out – you should feel free to leave, even if you are a male.

In the following, I introduce three different types of scenarios.

The Unwilling Boyfriend and the Unflushable Girlfriend

There is a possibility that a woman is so determined on the power of love as the cure of all evil that they attach themselves to a man who doesn’t really love them nor want them. (This can happen in reverse, too, but to make a point, I will explain the scenario this way around.)

The relationship starts by the woman deciding that this is the man for her and clinging onto him to dear life. This may start as somewhat of a normal relationship, that the woman takes too seriously from the start. For instance, a dating site romance that, to her, started from the moment they finally met in person, because, to her, this was akin to an agreement “we are a couple now”, basically because she decided she likes him enough to finally meet. This would happen after a long exchange of email, where she is reluctant to meet, and he is putting in a lot of work to persuade her to meet him for ONE DATE. Any guy who is willing to put a lot of effort into bedding a woman is in danger of winding up in this scenario, because a woman who needs a lot of warming up before sex, will only sleep with a serious boyfriend, therefore, if you sleep with a woman who has required a lot of effort to get there, you are, in her mind, HER boyfriend. Unfortunately, I have seen very unattractive women who have pinned the label on the only (rare) guy who has ever been friendly to them in their lives. Even though he has only been friendly, she, lacking the experience of being approached by a guy in a sexual way, misinterprets his friendliness and takes it as a start of a love relationship. (An occupational hazard for all famous men – the every day meet with a fan, injected with some playful flirt with the wrong woman turned into a stalker scenario.)

Because she thinks she and him are in a relationship now, she starts controlling the man, and claiming that he is her boyfriend, even though he disagrees. He may say, even out loud in front of other people that “we are not a couple!” or “you are not my girlfriend!” She, and everyone around them see this as his attempt to humiliate her, but in reality, he has never given a consent to this relationship or has attempted to break up with the woman several times before. She sees this as a test for her love for him and starts making every attempt to prove to him that he cannot chase her away.

After trying everything he can – including visibly “cheating” and flaunting other women in front of her to make a point – he starts to lose his temper, because he’s interested in other women, but this one woman keeps holding onto him like nothing else in this world mattered. So he starts snapping at her, and as she doesn’t go away he ups the anti little by little until the battle is full on. It starts as him wanting to tell the woman that he doesn’t love her or want her, but the woman refuses to believe it, because, hell what’s not to love? She’s a woman as much as anyone else, so why not her, right? So, if he doesn’t love her, it must be that there’s something wrong with him, and she’s going to be the one to fix it! He looks like the abusive boyfriend and she is seen as the victim because in her mind they are a couple, and people tend to believe a woman over a man when it comes to relationships, no questions asked.

Now, the man wants his space. He wants her to go away, but if she’s not going away she might as well give him some entertainment if she insists on sticking around… So he starts treating her worse and worse by the day just to see how far he can go before she leaves – but she just sticks around. To make a point about her value to him she is likely to try the jealousy trick on him, “because he takes her for granted”, which is a completely irrational trick in his mind because he never wanted her in the first place; he loses it, because she’s insisting on a relationship but can’t stay faithful to him herself, making him seem like a complete pushover! She’s the one who is clinging onto this “love” of hers, so she’d better act that way, too. So he blows up and she gets a badly needed confirmation that he does, after all, love her – otherwise, why would he be jealous? (He doesn’t, by the way.)

Here’s the irony: The woman has chosen him as her boyfriend, she never asked for him for his consent to this relationship or he has ended the relationship a long time ago (she simply didn’t believe he was serious or had any right to leave her). This type of woman simply doesn’t approve of “a change of heart”. So he is locked in a relationship he didn’t want, ask for or agreed to, but he gets the crap for beating up a woman who pushed herself into his life. The only thing he is doing is trying to recover his space, his freedom and right to choose for himself, but this woman is clinging onto him, driving away any competitors because “they are after her man”, who, on the other hand, is being imprisoned by this “victim” of his. Naturally he “cheats” every opportunity he gets, because he never chose this relationship and doesn’t see it as one. He may also “abuse her” sexually because that is what she wants, otherwise, she wouldn’t be clinging to him.

Anyone will turn violent if put into a situation like this. ANYONE. Man or a woman. In this scenario, it’s the woman who has issues and has a hard time understanding how couples are made. He is locked in this, he CANNOT CHANGE THE SITUATION. He is powerless to stop this woman from trying to trap him and making herself a part of his every moment – she cannot be broken up with! He is not the one forcing her to stay – quite the opposite. The only solution in this is for her to accept the fact she has issues, or him to get a restraining order against her BEFORE he has had to resort to violence (after that it might prove difficult to seek a restraining order…) It would be extremely harmful for a woman like this to know about a theory like Twin Flames, because she would use the theory to justify her actions and his rejection of her.

If you can’t see why I classify this as abuse, try reversing the situation. HE decided that he wants a relationship with a certain woman who is not at all willing to stay in a relationship with this man. She is trying to break up with him, but he insists they are a couple taking no arguments from her. You wouldn’t blink before moving in and forcefully removing him from her life, would you? Now, the same chivalry should happen when the male is the victim – and the only real rescuer in this situation are other women; just like reasonable men remove an unreasonable man from a relationship the female doesn’t want, only women can step in when another woman is forcing a man into a relationship he does not want. If you’re a girl, imagine the situation where you can go rescue a man from a woman: “Is this lady bothering you? You heard him, he is not interested, honey.” Just like men would teach a guy who is out of line with a woman, women should feel free to educate a woman who doesn’t have a clue when she is out of line with a guy.

“Abuse” taken because both the victim and the abuser enjoy it

This is the case when both partners like it rough. This is really not abuse at all, but if she doesn’t get to terms with the fact she gets turned on by a violent man, she can easily be talked out of loving him by people who do not understand the nature of their relationship. This is, potentially, a relationship in which both partners are exactly what the other one needs in order to feel alive. In this relationship, both partners are equal and in perfect understanding, although it may not always look that way on the outside. It can take the form of a sadomasochistic relationship or the sadism/violence may be periodical with between times of a perfect traditional loving relationship. Just because things get rough at times and even though she’d been beaten badly enough to require hospital treatment is no reason to break up the relationship (but a private health insurance might be in order)! Normally things don’t go that far, but there is no saying that it won’t. The main thing is that both (all) partners are equally into what is happening, even when the relationship might look wrong to the outside. Also, both partners should be able to voice their opinion of the nature of their relationship freely. (Or, in the case of hardcore 24/7 s/M, the master probably should allow the sub to speak in case they’re asked by a third party. 😉 )

Although BDSM it is accepted as fairly standard form of sexuality, the public gets confused when there are no whips in play but bare hands and fists, where the play looks and feels like fairly serious abuse. However, it is you who define whether this is cool for you or not, but the society wants to get involved telling the woman that this looks like spousal abuse and that she should stand up for herself once and for all. She may be convinced that she has a disorder of some sort or a childhood trauma if she likes it, and maybe well coaxed into leaving against her own will simply because she is made to look abnormal, and even suing him for domestic violence, just to be on the safe side (kind of a non-thought idea). It maybe both harmful and abnormal, but neither adjective is to say it’s not natural or loving. The question is; do you trust your partner to not go too far where you no longer enjoy it? If you know that you can safely leave this relationship without the fear of your partner following you and

The question is; do you trust your partner to not go too far where you no longer enjoy it? If you know that you can safely leave this relationship without the fear of your partner following you and attacking you, you are OK. If you trust him in his anger, your relationship is more solid than most people will ever dream of.

Narcissistic abuse (victim is the abuser’s trophy)

In the last case, the abuser sees their victim as a trophy and uses a lot of manipulation and scare tactics and accusations in order to keep her (or him) locked in a relationship. (In case he is the victim, the abuser may also be his mother, in which case the trapping phase can be skipped because just the fact he is her son has locked him in for good. “If you were a good son, you would…”)

In a NPD relationship, the main motivator of the abuser is to pretend that he or she is loved without question by their victim. They will go to any length in order to protect this illusion of devoted partner or child, and they will use all tactics available to them to stop their victim from leaving them for any reason. (They will also protect this illusion in odd ways, such as filing for a restraining order when their spouse is leaving them, in order to convince themselves that their partner WOULD come back if there wasn’t for that restraining order. CLEALY, restraining orders are most often taken for all the right reasons, but I’ve seen it used for this purpose, too.) The methods may include physical violence or threats of violence toward the victim or someone they care about, and they will use guilt and woe-is-me tactics as easily as any other method they can think  of. “If you weren’t so shallow you would…” tactics work for NPD women and sentences like “if you weren’t so drawn to rich men…” work for NPD men. It is also to be noted, that some people FEEL LIKE they are being abused when they are “threatened with a divorce” when the other person simply wants a bad relationship to end.  They will attempt to cut their victim’s ties to everyone surrounding them, often preventing them from obtaining information from the outside world, such as news programs or listening to the radio without being observed. This is often done under the pretence of the abuser protecting the victim from an imagined harm or negative influence, but the true motivation is to keep the victim powerless to leave the abuser. An NPD will also often wish for their victim to stop working “so that they can take care of them 24/7” and to also make sure they haven’t got an outside income that would enable them to leave the relationship should they want to. (Eccentric celebrities are narcissist magnets, by the way, they offer EVERYTHING an NPD wants to get their hands into, including the feeling that they are the saving angel in the life of “a train wreck” but at the same time, they get the glory of being the closest person to the celebrity.)

The person who WANTS OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP is NEVER the abuser in this relationship IF the other is resisting the break-up, but the narcissist surely wants to make it seem like they were the one leaving, because they cannot stand the idea of someone not wanting them. Narcissists** leave, for sure, once the victim no longer functions as a sufficient narcissistic supply, for instance, their career suffers or they lose their beauty.

The abuser wants the victim to lead the role of a devoted loving spouse, friend, or a family member, who will sacrifice their own lives in order to be there for their abuser. This devotion doesn’t come from a genuine place of love and care, but instead it comes from fear and guilt. This small fact hardly matters to a narcissistic abuser, to whom what matters is how things look, not how things are. The victim is often in a short leash, ‘under the clock’ and all moments of absence must be explained to the abuser, sometimes with a minute schedule. (“You were gone 5 minutes longer than usual, where were you? I/you could have died!!/Did you fuck someone else?!”)

The NPD can also be a victim of their own victim, someone who cannot get rid of them no matter how they try, similarly to the first scenario in this post. In this case, the person insists attention from someone for the sake of their image, forcing their victim into a relationship they don’t want, until the victim has driven to the point of violence to regain their own freedom. (Women will get understanding in this scenario, men will not.)

In the case of NPD, the relationship looks very normal to the outside, or, rather, idyllic. Often people around them don’t even know anything is amiss until the victim turns up to their neighbour’s doorstep half dressed with their kids begging for a refuge. They do not often confess abuse to anyone because they KNOW their relationship isn’t the right kind, and the image portrayed to the outside is something completely different and quite flattering to both of their egos (especially romantic relationships being in question).

To the victim, the start of the relationship promised them everything, this was the ultimate love story, anything that a True Emotion Mirror relationship is, if not more (money and status to boot, often) and very often the victim’s friends or family members warned them, that the new partner gives them the heebie-jeebies, all of which the victim-to-be would cheerfully ignore (they are just jealous or haven’t known true love). When things start to go bad the hype has already started to live a life of its own and admitting tho their friends that they were right and the victim was wrong is not going to be a tempting option. (If the victim is a woman, things will start to get bad with her first pregnancy after a marriage that was rushed into, or for either gender victim, the real abuse starts on the wedding night, whichever comes first. Once the abuser-to-be thinks they’ve got their victim “bagged”.) Instead of leaving, the victim stays and attempts to fix the relationship to get it back on the track to what it was promised to be. This will never happen, but it may take decades for the victim to finally break free – usually only to protect the children rather than themselves.

Is it abuse?

If you are an outsider looking in, there is no reason why you should ignore what is going on if you are worried. However, you MUST respect the relationship enough to understand that You Don’t Know what is going on until they tell you. You MUST know when your own fears and worries outweigh the actual truth, and when you start hearing things that you fear or want to hear (because you want to save somebody). You should never push anyone into leaving their relationship, but you can offer them a phone number to call when things get bad. Even if this was a genuine NPD thing, the thought of leaving still has to come from the victim, because they need to go through what they need to go through, and all you can do is to be there when the house of cards comes tumbling down. If you butt into a relationship that isn’t yours, you are not far off from committing narcissistic abuse yourself, because you claim to know their minds better than they do themselves. So: the to-do -list is as follows: Ask for further information, offer help / support and then get your hands off it if your help is not wanted.

Love is a reaction to someone, not something you owe someone

The reason why it is possible for people to be locked into abusive relationships is the idea that you are a bad person if you don’t love someone or accept someone as your lover. “I give you love, therefore you owe me love.” No. NOBODY EVER OWES LOVE TO ANYONE. Love is a reaction that is ignited in the heart of the person who feels the love, by the person who they love. If the other person does not feel love, the other person is not able to ignite love – in other words, they are not lovable to the other person. If we suppose everyone owes love to everyone who loves them… Imagine what it would be like to be, say, Justin Bieber? He would owe love to millions of teens out there (and I am sure there are millions of girls absolutely convinced he owes them love) and whichever one of them would so choose, could claim him as his boyfriend and he would not have anything to say about it, right? All logic dictates he should be free to love whatever girl he feels inspired by, not by some random girl who has taken a shining to him.

Women define relationships, and men tend to obey the rules of women these days. Therefore it is very difficult to see when a man is being used as an automatic love machine and demanded love that “they owe” under the guise that if they are not able to provide that love, they are being bad people. Men are even seeking chances to prove they are not bad men by picking a woman who they, then, love by forcing those feelings to be directed to that person, whether they authentically feel it or not. Of course, women are also targets of these demands – and the more attractive a person is, the more the Normal Person* are to demand love from them under the excuse that “they owe them” or “they are shallow, bad people incapable of loving if they do not”.

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