Ladies, this one is for you: How to not be taken off guard by a rape threat.
If you go through your life fearing rapists, you need to read this post. There is a reason to be aware of rapists, but paranoid fear will only make matters worse for you, in so many ways. Perpetuating fear of men as rapists will only play directly into the purposes of the rapists, because they enjoy the power the fear gives them. In a sense, this fear mongering has put rapists in a position where they only need to look at a woman to make her feel terrified. It’s not a good result.
Process your feelings about rape, all of them.
Before I did this myself, I was just as afraid of being raped as the next woman. Now, I don’t so much as raise a pulse at the thought. I walk the streets without a worry, but I admittedly live in a safe town. Sometimes, I try to scare myself for the fun factor of it. I don’t mean to say I would be able to stop a rape, but I know I don’t have to give a damn if it happens. It’s like an overly friendly, sweaty hug from an ugly girl gym pal- disgusting, but not my embarrassment!
Let’s just study some facts.
How many women do you know personally that were raped?
From your actual, personal circle of friends, how many women do you know who have been raped, or assaulted with that intent? I, personally, am 50 years old, and know three. (There’s probably more, but I know of three. I have had more friends than I can count.) First, a partner rape. It was real and properly disgusting. Still wrings my gut to think about it, won’t repeat the details. One of my friends got assaulted by a guy so drunk his mind was basically on stand still, so she had to give him a real “fuck off” before he heard the message. One girl got raped twice, according to her words. This girl had a tendency to exaggeration, and her story did not meet any of my 3 reality check points:
3 Rape reality check points:
When someone is telling the story of her rape, pay attention to three components in the story: 1) According to her, did she say “no” at any stage? (Did she say OK later, and if so, why?) 2) Was there a point at which a reasonable person should have known, without being a mind-reader, that she didn’t want to have sex? Remember to compare the events to the behavior of a sexually uninhibited woman, or the behavior of a woman who wants to play hard to get, or is sexually passive. 3) What was the threat or physical force used? Was the threat or force so strong that she couldn’t have said no or fought him off? Did she try?
Mind you, real women are not superheroes, and men ARE physically stronger than she is. If a man WANTS TO rape a woman and doesn’t care about how his victim feels about it, he can use enough physical force to do it. Would he have used that much force if she had tried to fight him off is the question.
Lower your own alarm rate.
When you listen to these stories critically rather than automatically with sympathy, especially if you listen to a celebrity’s accounts or stories of victims in the (social) media rather than your actual friends, it will lower your own alarm rate by a lot. It is a good idea to obligate yourself, for your own good, to be critical rather than sympathetic when listening to strangers’ stories. You notice there are many things women could do, but choose NOT TO DO to defend themselves or even communicate that they don’t want the sex.
When you read or listen to these stories with a critical ear, instead of an unquestioningly sympathetic ear, remember this woman might not be as worldly as you, might be naive about the ways of men, and quite inexperienced in sexual relationships. You’ll notice a few more things like that, compared to simply assuming she knows what she’s talking about.
Often rape stories describe a situation where he RELIED on an adult woman to express that she doesn’t want to have relations with him if she doesn’t, but she never signaled in any way that she didn’t want an intercourse.
Consider if she a) said no. (Rather than “we shouldn’t” or “I’m uncomfortable with this.”) b) there was a point where a reasonable person would know she’s unwilling to partake, and c) there was a verbalized (as opposed to imagined or assumed) threat used, or physical force was employed. If there was, it was a real rape. Other than that, it was an unfortunate miscommunication and an avoidable bad situation that shouldn’t have happened, but did.
Men will (luckily for us!) attempt to have sex with grown women. That alone is not a rape or sexual harassment.
When you deal with men, there are certain things you must be prepared for, and on top of that list is the time when a sexual pass is made, and you want to turn it down. As a grown woman, you must know that you have the right to say no. Still, if you agree to sex, you have to live with that decision, even if the sex doesn’t turn out to be great, there was no reward for it, and it didn’t lead to a relationship.
You cannot say yes to sex expecting it to lead to a reward beyond itself. Don’t assume there’s a reward promised. The sex must be a reward in itself, otherwise, you shouldn’t have it. If you cannot imagine a situation where you’d have sex for the sake of sex itself, you’ll have to become very good at rejecting men.
When you think of other women, be advised that some women have sex expecting it to lead to a reward of some description, and consider it a rape only because the man didn’t “pay his dues” such as marry her in the end. I have also quipped, that women are not angry because men fuck them, they’re angry when they stop.
Don’t make a docile man into an accidental rapist.
Here is when perpetuating androphobia (fear of men) gets dangerous: When you’ve been told that rejecting a man will make him so angry he will beat you half unconscious to rape you, you might IMAGINE there to be a danger or threat if a man makes a sexual pass at you. This is not his doing. I’m sorry, but this is all in your head.
This is where the checkpoint of “what was the threat or force used?” comes in.
Some women are so brain washed to fear men, that a simple sexual pass is considered a rape, if he didn’t take her to 3 dinners and 3 movies and introduced himself to her parents before coyly asking for a permission to kiss her on the cheek. Survivalist* men don’t typically behave this way, and most modern women don’t expect them to… Or want them to. 2rd wave of feminism made sure of it. We wanted to have the freedom to fuck like men, with no strings attached, without societal scorn over it, and we got it. Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Don’t assume he’s a good guy because he goes to church and wears a tie.
Now. There are certain things you need to accept about men. They all want to fuck. Every one of them that doesn’t self-label as an asexual or demisexual from the get go will want to fuck you if they take you on a date. If a guy takes you for a date he wants to fuck you. Simple as that. Don’t imagine anything different, ever.
If a guy buys you lavish dinners, buys you drinks all night, or works his butt off to make you a star, he will expect sex as a reward. Do not imagine anything different. It doesn’t matter if he goes to church and wears a tie; to me, that combination is a red flag more than anything reassuring. Dishonest men can look so very prim and proper, but they’re no different from a tattooed biker guy as far as sex goes. In fact, the biker guy will be less sex-driven; he’s got hobbies other than pretending to be a good guy while tricking women into sex, and he’s not desperate for it, in fact, he cares so little that he has tattooed himself all over knowing it will turn women off him.
Don’t let men pay for stuff unless you’re prepared to sleep with them to thank them.
Every guy has his price range. 3 drinks is a real danger zone. Most men will gladly pay for your dinner date at a reasonably priced restaurant (but it’s iffy), but he may expect sex for it. MAY. Most won’t. Still, if he’s buying you drinks, after the 3rd one it’s a definite let’s go -zone. He may KEEP paying for your drinks, sure, but every drink you have after the third brings you closer to his pay day, and the more carefreely you accept the drinks, the sluttier you’ve dressed, the more he assumes you know what the deal is. Don’t prostitute yourself over “free” drinks.
You wouldn’t leave your car unlocked, so why do you leave your pussy unlocked?
Thieves shouldn’t steal. Cheaters shouldn’t cheat. Liars shouldn’t lie. And, honey, rapists shouldn’t rape, but none of them are stopped by a “shouldn’t.” You understand that it only takes that one guy in the right place to opportunistically steal your car if you leave it unlocked, will grab your purse if you don’t watch it, and you know not to trust a scammer not to scam either. So why in hells name do you trust a rapist not to rape?
MEN are not rapists, but some men are. There are more rape victims in women than there are men who rape – They don’t necessarily stop at one victim. Even if men are most commonly trustworthy, lovely people, who are protectors, heroes, and freaking salt of the Earth and a reason for women to keep breathing, some of them are rapists. It only takes that one guy to steal your chastity, to take advantage of your inattention.
Which is more important, the fact you “should” be able to walk the streets in a miniskirt, hurling taunts and abuse at men while blind drunk without fear, or not to get raped by being stupid? Am I victim blaming? Not any more than an insurance company victim blames a person who leaves their stuff unlocked. Some of these women care more about their iPhone than their vagina.
Decide what your virtue is worth to you.
Now. Imagine being faced with a situation when a guy is holding everything you’ve worked for in his possession. He’s got the connections, the money, the power, the position. What you have is three holes. He wants access to those holes in exchange of everything you want to achieve in life.
What do you say?
I’m not going to make that decision for you. I have 0 issues with women who sleep their way all the way to the top. Big business belongs in the bedroom as far as I’m concerned, just a question of how much ugly to you tolerate in it. You decide on that.
Think it through now, so if and when an offer is made, you know what to say. Don’t take it as a rape threat, it’s not a threat, it’s an opportunity. He’s got a cock that you can maneuver him with. Are you going to do it or not do it? It’s up to you.
What if the person offering is a woman? What do you say to a woman?
Don’t avoid the fact that it could happen to you.
You’re not above rape. You’re not so precious that a rapist wouldn’t rape you if he got the chance. There’s 0 chance of a rapist looking you into your trusting doe eyes and deciding “no, you are too pure for my filthy desires.” You’re afraid of rapes, but you still figure it will probably not happen to you. No, it might. It will if you’re stupid. If you throw yourself at men taunting them to fuck you only to assume they know you only want them to read your mind and say “oh, no, not her, she’s too pure,” you have nobody but yourself to blame. Some women put themselves in dangerous situations to TEST the men, WOULD HE take advantage or not, assuming he knows she doesn’t want it. STUPID. That’s just stupid, because some women WANT sex, and are less forthright about it.
Now. It’s not a shame that a rapist would rape you if he had a chance. It’s a shame if you don’t understand that. That said, be fearless about how that makes you feel. Process the feelings. Run some scenarios out in your head. Realistic ones. Google statistics. Be INFORMED.
Curb your fear by being open-eyed about it, not by pretending you’re not worried. FIND OUT THE FACTS.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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