Love or hate – can you tell the difference?

I noticed something peculiar when discussing emotions with women on the spirit level. I noticed that they had trouble telling the difference between the feeling of being loved and the feeling of being hated. This may sound incredible, but it seems to me, that the emotion of actual love is a VERY developed feeling incredibly unrecognisable to a lot of people. The reason being, that in order to feel true love for someone, you have to have authentically high standards for people – the higher your standards for yourself and others, the higher your capacity is to both love and hate – but in this case, particularly, to love. Therefore, when this emotion of absolute adoration and admiration for someone’s character, life choices, and values is missing (and some of you will feel like vomiting at the suggestion love had anything to do with admiring someone as a person) the most intense feelings left available are irritation and hate. This would be the motivation behind the instinct of irritating the one you are attracted to, and also feeling the most loved by someone who irritates you somehow.

If you feel “in love” when you feel irritated by someone, and cannot name anyone who you would love for the sake of them being who they are, without the need of them even ever having spoken to you (let alone irritated you personally), you might have this problem. This would also lead to an inability to detach from someone because your love is based on irritation and feeling insulted, rather than the feeling of admiring and respecting someone so much, that the last thing you’d want to do is to stop them from being happy or appearing “clingy” in their eyes. (Mostly the latter.) If you think love equals irritation, then you might be very inclined to fall in love with people who you will drive to abusive relationships with you (even when they had no prior habit of doing so) because you would feel the need to continually “irritate them back” just to keep the relationship fresh. This, in turn, may turn someone who does not have difficulty recognising the emotion of love to violence, because they feel you are continually attacking them for no reason and also, refuse to stop doing that. Not knowing when to stop is one of those major problems that create the trap of an abusive relationship, even though your abuser maybe actively trying to end the relationship, which can feel, to someone with this problem, like “deliberately irritating you” = loving you.

In plain English, what you feel is a strong emotion, that you have learned to associate with sexual desire, love, or even potential friendship, depending on your experience base and the relationship type. Sometimes the irritation is caused by the fact that you actually admire this person but you feel “attacked” by the fact that you do. If this is the case, it is a good sign, because that is one step closer to true love than to not feel the emotion of admiration at all. You may have recognised qualities that you want for yourself but find yourself lacking, that spike your irritation reaction about this person, and you attack them partly in order to get validation from them (you’re as admirable to them as they are to you) or, failing that, knocking them off their pedestal in order to bring them down to your own level. This is VERY OFTEN confused with a True Emotion Mirror / Destination Soulmate connection, and can, in some cases, be that, once your issues have been solved and your self-esteem has been healed.

Why do they hate you?

They hate you because you deliberately irritate them; you behave like a spoiled brat and they don’t like that. The irony is that you love them because they irritate you. A person who does love through admiration can learn to like the feeling of being irritated by someone, but if there is no admiration towards that person, they will never confuse the feeling of irritation for love. Also, they will learn to “play fight”, and can enjoy that A LOT, but they will always know that their opponent will know when the play is turning personal and the other is no longer having fun. (Can you tell when play-fighting dogs go over the point of it not being a game anymore, or can you tell the difference between dogs playing and dogs fighting? Here’s a great example, this too, tells something about emotional awareness, even if it is between dogs.)

(Can you tell when play-fighting dogs go over the point of it not being a game anymore, or can you tell the difference between dogs playing and dogs fighting? Here’s a great example, this too, tells something about emotional awareness, even if it is between dogs. It is VITAL that people know when play turns into a battle because not noticing it may lead to the death of the other party. If you have friends who cannot tell that their partner isn’t playing, PLEASE advice them on it.)

How to fix this?

The only thing you need to do in order to fix this problem is to learn to know what you authentically admire, or, if you cannot do this yet, you’ll need to know what you, yourself, are naturally good at. The problem stems from a poor self-esteem, which means that you don’t know how you compare to others and what others think of you, and you are too scared to study this about yourself. You are simultaneously telling yourself that you are every bit as good as everyone else, while subconsciously you know it is not true. Then, you compensate by irritating those who you know are better than you are (at the stuff you want to be good at, male or female,) and by doing so, you are subconsciously trying to figure out (or force them into revealing) why they are so good, and how you can learn to be that good yourself. The irony is that these people are soooo often teachers of some kind, that it seems ludicrous to try and force them to teach when they are already doing it for living. The reason why you choose to irritate them rather than ask for their help is because you don’t want to let them in on the secret that deep down, you admire them tremendously. So, in this case, you are confusing the feeling of love with the feeling of hate. 😉 This is how you WISH people would feel about you, too, and when they do not, you try to get under their skin deliberately, although the person who you feel irritated by didn’t do anything at all to irritate you.

Already, you know the people who you just can’t stand the sight of but also can’t take your eyes off. They’ve got something you want, don’t they? They either HAVE IT, or they ARE IT. What is it? Be honest with yourself, it won’t bite, it’s just stating something that is not going to go anywhere without admitting to it, but will so easily dissolve into a roaring laughter if you’re lucky enough to notice that you simply want the kind of a puppy they’ve got – for example, something you can easily have for yourself. Maybe you will discover that it is something a little harder than that, and in the worst case scenario, what they have is something that you would really need to work for, HARD, and you don’t know if you have the talent to do what they do. But know this: If it tempts you THAT MUCH, so much that you are seething angry every time you see that person be who they are, that is a SURE SIGN that you’ve got it in you to be what they are. Take this new knowledge like you would take any scary task, like… Jumping into a pool from that top thing-a-ma-bob that looks super duper scary. That is where you want to jump down from, right? NOBODY expects you to climb up there and just do it because that would be downright stupid if you’ve never practised from the lower levels. This applies to most things in life. Starting up a business without thinking it twice would be a freaking suicide, and only a fool would attempt it without doing some major thinking first. You can also not expect to be a  master at what you want to do at the word “go”, no matter what. I will also tell you another little secret. People are not born with talent by accident. People PRACTISE the same thing a lifetime after lifetime after lifetime, and therefore, the person you envy HAS EARNED THEIR STRIPES, and you have no right crying after them simply because you want them. They’ve paid their dues for those stripes, OK? So. Now. Do you want that so bad you’ll be willing to spend a lifetime or two becoming as good as they are? And, I will also tell you this. If you TRULY devote your life to the task and give it everything you’ve got, you can make up for lost time for a few lifetimes worth! Most people never put THAT MUCH effort into what they want to achieve, they simply… Dabble with it in comparison to their actual, true potential, and

Do you want that so bad you’ll be willing to spend a lifetime or two becoming as good as they are? And, I will also tell you this. If you TRULY devote your life to the task and give it everything you’ve got, you can make up for lost time for a few lifetimes worth! Most people never put THAT MUCH effort into what they want to achieve, they simply… Dabble with it in comparison to their actual, true potential, and therefore, most people don’t advance during one lifetime for much at all. That makes it possible for a person to TRULY MAKE A HUGE difference in their abilities within one lifetime or even within a few years, so you shouldn’t worry about it… Simply… Spiritually speaking, the most important thing for you to do is to ADMIT TO YOURSELF that what it is that you truly want to achieve. Do not raise the bar higher than what you actually want, simply because you don’t want to appear scared, also don’t lower it in order to appear modest. Be  honest. Use this phrase in order to keep yourself humble (honest), and allows you to admit to having “narcissistic” or vain aspirations, too: “I admit to be my personal flaw that I really want to achieve….” *this*.

Speaking of the wrong goals or values, the people that we hate the most are people who are doing what we deny ourselves. For instance; Thriving towards physical beauty. Enjoying casual sex. Being homosexual. “Running after money”. Being “attention whores”. Those are some of the popular ones. If any of these ring a bell, you’d want to check into the nearest bathroom and place yourself in front of the mirror. 🙂 Do you want to be beautiful? Sexually thriving? Turn gay, perhaps? Rich, or popular? You know, the answers to these questions is not necessarily “well who would”,although… I must admit on that list only one item is the kind that I’d personally wouldn’t sign up for in a split second (or kill myself for losing) – but it took me a HELL OF A LONG TIME to admit that I wanted to be both rich and famous.

Once you admit it to yourself that “this is what I am after”, it will become FAR EASIER to work towards that goal, because you are no longer fighting  yourself the whole way. “NOOO I DON’T REALLY want to do that… I don’t REALLY need to… It’s just that… might be fun. But no. I’m not serious about it, am I?”

The immediate fix

There is also something that you can do to improve your situation DRAMATICALLY overnight, although it won’t fix the entire problem (at least for everyone) it will make a huge difference. Again, honesty is important, if it’s there, it’s going to stay there, whether you admit to it or not. (Your view on it may change drastically, however.) Consider what you admire about other people and what you admire about yourself. Everything that pops into your mind – write it down with a mind map if you like. Then, write down stuff you dislike about other people and yourself, and also, what you hate, dispise and loathe about other people and yourself. Now, compare all of these parts about how you feel about yourself. How well do you measure up to your own ideals? How much did you lie to yourself while making the lists? (Like above, you have to admit to some pretty shallow needs and wants I bet, if the only things you admitted wanting would sound like Miss Universe answers, I will tell you something: You are a liar, a fraud, and a fake coward. Now. Try again, and be honest this time! When you can only admit to stereotypically positive traits, wishes, and needs, you are working from your ego, not from your authentic self, and that makes you a fake, or, at worst, a narcissist, so don’t do it if you want to be a good person. Every good person knows their own flaws or failures, and their own weaknesses, how else are you going to keep yourself in check if you dont’ even know what it is that tempts you? Once you know what tempts you, then work out why it is that you feel like you should avoid it? There’s not much of a reason for it, I’m sure… Unless it’s something that is actually illegal.)

So there. 😀 The key to all spiritual healing is absolute honesty about who you are. (“Confess to your sins” is an idea aiming to cue you to this. God thought that it would be a great idea to make people talk about their hidden sins to tweak them to the idea that hey… “You want a life. There’s nothing wrong with that!” People didn’t get it though… Too many rules, made by people, attributed to God.) Once you know what it is that you want, and you surrender to that knowledge, THAT ALONE will lift a huge weigh off your chest.

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