Men do talk about their feelings under the right conditions.

By my personal experience, men have no trouble talking about their feelings. There are conditions, however, when anyone, man or a woman, starts feeling very closed up. The trouble is women are often very good at creating situations that makes others clamp up. I’ll explain why.

For a person to want to share their feelings,

• They need to feel free (not judged) by what they actually feel and tell you about.
• They can’t be actively hiding a feeling or the lack thereof from you. (“I don’t actually love you” is the most common reason people don’t talk about it.)

If a person you love doesn’t talk to you about their feelings, you’ve got a real relationship problem, but the solution to it isn’t to keep nagging about talking about the feelings.

Have you already decided what they feel, and you just want them to say the matching words?

There are people, mostly women, who have decided what another person feels before they’ve said a word about it. If that person then says something different, they are being attacked for it one way or another, or dismissed. “No, be honest!” “No, tell me, for real!” “No, stop kidding around!”

Further, no matter how clearly you state yourself, there are people who live in absolute denial. “I don’t love you, I want a divorce.” “Oh stop saying shit like that, it isn’t funny.”

What is the point of communication, if your part of the conversation has already been written down in your partner’s head?

Why would he even be with a woman who he doesn’t love?

People who are in love are notoriously difficult to shut up about it. They want to talk about their feelings ALL THE TIME, and not only to their partner. The only time when this flow of speech is blocked, is when that person feels their RIDICULOUSLY strong feelings are completely one-sided. “She would never love me back. I’m a fool in a noose. I can’t let her know what kind of power she yields over me. I’d give her anything, but she’s cold and callous.” This doesn’t mean that a silent man is hiding intense love for his live-in partner. Absolutely not. That situation is a one in a million.

The more likely reason why a man would be in a relationship with a woman he doesn’t love are something quite less romantic. This actually applies also in genders reversed mode, but there is no stereotype to bust when it comes to women who don’t talk about their feelings.

It is possible that his partner basically man-handled him into a relationship and commitment, and now, he’s stuck in a situation he can’t leave, he can’t talk about it, and cannot find a way out of it. He feels trapped, possibly with a baby or guilt and shame strategies: “You owe me this relationship because…”

He might also have gotten into a situation where he’s at least getting sex, when his true feelings are luke warm at best. This doesn’t have to mean he thinks his partner is particularly sexy, either.

A man might also believe “this is as good as it gets” but thinks “women are so romantic and naive” that they expect the feelings to be massive, which to him they never are. He’s might feel he can’t have the woman (or the man) he wanted for some reason, and he feels if he can’t have her, this is as good as it’s ever going to get. Although he feels he hasn’t got many options, he still feels he’s deceiving her just to find a partner to fill a role. He also knows that is “not the right answer” to give to his current partner, but also doesn’t want to lie about it to her face. He wishes she understands where he’s coming from without him having to spell the insult out for her.

Should you be with someone who doesn’t talk about his feelings?

Frankly, I think it’s a very bad sign if your partner doesn’t talk about his feelings openly. This is, thus, a question of what do you actually want for yourself? Is this good enough for you? How many times has he told you he loves you or likes you? Because that should come up multiple times a day in the beginning, and a little less consistently later on, but it still should pop up here and there, spontaneously, with joy.

If that doesn’t happen, it’s very unlikely he’s very much in love with you, and his motivations are elsewhere. A direct question would be wise: “Are you with me because you couldn’t have someone you truly wanted?” It’s rare that a person who doesn’t speak about his feelings can answer that question credibly. He wants to believe you are in on the play, but if you make it clear you would be disappointed if that were the case… He has to either confess or break up with you himself.

There’s also a possiblity that you both mutually agree that the true feelings are not there or they are mild at best. You might actually both feel a little relieved that you don’t need to pretend to be a Hollywood rom com. It might work quite well for you both – but it is natural to expect that the other person wants it to be crazy hot love, even if it was nothing of the sort. Still, not all people, even women, want that, mind you… But he will think you do. Maybe you’d make your relationship better by talking about that in a non-judgmental tone.

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