Sex is a natural part of a love relationship. In fact, sex is the only thing that turns a friendship into a romantic relationship. THE ONLY THING. If there is no sex in a relationship, it means it is a partnership of some kind, at best, a friendship. Therefore, breaking up a relationship on the basis of sexual incompatibility with a person intended as a sexual partner is more than a valid one, for either gender, particularly if monogamy is also a part of the requirement. It is, absolutely, without any hesitation or doubt, unfair and inhumane to ask a person to refrain from sexual experiences to show loyalty to a partner who is unwilling to have sex or engages in it reluctantly.

No sex, no marriage.

That should be a given.

Quite frankly, women can leave a man for any reason at all. Squishy ears, wears shoes inside, can’t stand his beard, whatever, but if a man breaks up with a woman for being completely unhappy with her, he is but a demanding, selfish bastard… So easily. That is not right. Sexual incompatibility is one of those reasons that men feel really horrible about when trying to weigh their rights as an individual and their duties to a woman as a man…

When is a marriage “sexless”

Different couples have a different rhythm, but sex should be present in a relationship Every Single Day. It doesn’t necessarily mean a sexual intercourse every single day, but it should always be a titillating possibility that it is about to happen any moment now. Sexual incompatibility leads to this not being the case – not only is there the possibility of one person needing more sex than the other but also that their sexual desires do not match, making the sex that they are having boring and forced. Sex is rarely present on a daily basis in an average marriage because marriage and monogamy are both very unsexy institutions, but if a person feels that this is making them unhappy, they SHOULD seek to break up. Clearly, the person who is happy to have a friendship-based marriage should be quite open about that, because it is also wrong, inhumane, and unfair to demand a sexually reluctant person to have sex… Ever, really.

It should be clear from an early on if one of the partners doesn’t wish to have (much) sex and would rather avoid it if they can, really. They should not use sex to start the relationship, if they intend to stop having sex with this person – it is dishonest and misleading to let someone into the belief that sex is going to be a part of the relationship when there is an already set reluctance to it. This, obviously, doesn’t mean that we should all be fortune tellers, sometimes sex dries up even though to begin with it was fantastic, frequent, and mutually satisfying – we can’t always tell things will go wrong… But I do believe there are many women who know full well they will not want to have sex for any longer than they have to in order to secure the relationship, and THAT, to me, is inexcusable behavior.

Sex is the only thing that makes a sexual relationship a sexual one. Marriages are intended to be sexual relationships by definition, and it is not too much to ask out of life to be blessed with a good sex life.

When is sexual incompatibility a reason enough?

If you do not have children yet, I say the quicker you put an end to a sexually unsatisfying marriage or a relationship the better. Children complicate the matter dramatically. No matter what you do, do not have children “to save the marriage”, that is not a relationship you want to have children born into, for so many reasons I can’t even bother getting into it in this post, but if the parents are not glued together by love, sexual desire, and amazement of each other, a child is not going to change things much – they simply become a substitute for a genuine connection and that is a very unfair situation to put another person in, even if that person has just been born.

As soon as you accept the fact that the relationship is not sexually satisfying, you should feel free to start looking for a way out of it, even with children involved. The other option is, of course, that you truly love your partner and you die at the thought of leaving them, in which case you simply have to open up the pandora’s box and see what is inside. You need to know if your fetishes match – if you love this person instinctively with everything you’ve got not really knowing why the chances that their true fetishes matches yours to perfection are super high. If you keep them hidden, there is NO WAY you will ever make it together. That is the spice, the glue, the thrill… And you owe it to yourself to explore what it is that will kick you both into a higher gear – including the possibility of all possible variations of polyamory.

One real option to save a marriage with children is to seriously consider the option of polyamory, it may well be that your spouse only wants security out of the marriage and would be relieved to see “the sexual obligations” transferred to another person entirely.

You don’t have to have a sexual relationship if you don’t want one

Sexual incompatibility starts with the need for sex. If one person wants a lot and the other doesn’t want any, there’s going to be an issue in the relationship. I know I talk a lot about making sex fantastic, but the opposite is also true; If you do not want to form a sexual relationship with anyone, don’t! Just don’t. Find a good friend and join your lives with a good friend. If people think you’re gay, just tell them how things are or let them keep their assumptions. People are very open-minded these days – or should be, at least. I am sure there’ll be a lot of people who would admire the honesty and forward-thinking, and self-reliance of it all.

For added security, have another friend in the mix, if the unthinkable would happen and one of you would wind up traditionally married. To minimize the risk of that happening, be clear from the start. Don’t attach yourself to another woman thinking that SHE will never marry if you’re friends, because she might not be at all interested in leading a sexless life with other women for the rest of her life, even if it would work for now. It is important to know whether someone is done with sexual relationships for the time being, forever, or only for as long as they can’t find anyone.

All things relationship; the main thing is to know what it is that you want and dream about, and to find people who want the same things. That is not difficult to do, it simply requires guts to say out right.

Here’s a short list of asexual dating sites, but you can certainly google some more should you need to find some in your area. You can, of course, also mention that you are an asexual in a dating profile of a generic dating site if you can’t find one specifically in your own area.

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