Must Read: Relationship dynamics when one person is looking for “true love”
I am going to go on at length here, as this is going to explain so much of what you are experiencing – whatever it is that you are going through – that I cannot skip too many parts here. This explains our ’emotional reality’, and, even as this is going to be a large circle that comes back to itself, covering everything, it is still just a framework to build details on. Let’s first build the basic structure of our framework:
People born together and nearby a sufficient number of their own balanced soulmates.
In the heart of all of our world, we have a few individuals lucky enough to have born into a family or town that SUITS them. They are a rare bunch of people, and I can, personally, name just one, but I won’t. So if you are not a part of this group, you are not alone. Most people will think this is somewhat of a non-possibility.
A person who is surrounded by their The Doting Spirit Mirrors, as in people who share the exact same values as they do, and who are both respectful and disrespectful enough to show this person their place but not growd their space, and who, both hold them safe but do not suffocate them in order to keep them to themselves forever. The perfect parents and family members. The Doting Spirit Mirrors are completely relaxed around each other, but even though tempers flair, they sort them out and do not leave anything to fester.
This is a combination of a healthy relationship between these individuals and the health of each individual in the family. The child gets a great start in life, learns to respect oneself and others, but will also know how to do “rough and tumble” and not take life too seriously, yet seriously enough. They will grow up BALANCED and capable of taking on the world.
I call these the Goal People, the type we all should aim to be. As I said, I can name one. Should I name him (and his family)? Matthew McConaughey. I’m sure he’s not the ONLY ONE, but he’s the only one I can name, lucky enough to have been brought up by the perfect set of lunatics. (His family is UNCONVENTIONAL, even weird, nowhere near the type you’d find in psychology books, but perfectly deserving to be called the perfect family.) Matthew approaches the world with a twinkle in his eye in perfect confidence that come what may, he’ll ace it. He’ll even ace failing.
So. There’s the goal person. What makes us sway from the perfect way of being?
Traumas in love
People come to some traumas over their lifetimes. These traumas define the way we approach others. Some traumas are born already in childhood, some later than that. The traumas are as follows:
Abandonment – Someone who a child, youth, or an adult FULLY, completely, 100% trusted, took up and left without a word. It is important to know they left WITHOUT a word or a warning, or much of an explanation. This person’s ability to trust one’s own instinct of being safe got shattered as a result. They don’t KNOW when they are safe, therefore, they are constantly CLINGING onto people for assurance they won’t leave.
Brutal breakup – This is most likely a later in life -trauma, perhaps the first ever break up a person goes through. The basis of it is similar; somewhat naive and unbiased trust in the relationship, in the romance of it all. Typically a young man is raised to believe all women want is a nice guy, and that all OTHER guys are somewhat shady. They believe that as long as they treat a girl nice, she’ll be SO GRATEFUL she will never leave him. In the real world, it ain’t so.
Girls want different things, a list of things, being nice isn’t nearly enough. When she tries to leave, he tries to reassure her that she can trust him, but she leaves anyway. He may hang onto her for dear life in his belief SHE is so traumatized by the world she doesn’t even believe in love anymore and tries to prove to her he’s trustworthy. When she cannot get away, she will emotionally beat him down to a pulp to get away. He gets shocked, doesn’t know what hit him, and loses his trust in real love. He will most likely revert to a belief that all women want in a man is money and power.
Another belief he may hold is that all women want a relationship, just NOT WITH HIM. He is a faulty individual and that there’s something seriously wrong with him, otherwise, he cannot explain her behavior.
America’s Most Wanted – This is a surprisingly common trauma that may be somewhat of a nice problem to have but it is still a problem. A person may be so desirable, that they’ve learned that EVERYONE wants a piece of them, so to speak. Everyone wants to be their friend, their lover, their favorite family member, and everyone around them, even though they are not famous, treats them somehow oddly, because they all want to be close to that person. This has most likely to do with physical beauty and a nice, kind character of that person.
People assume that good looking people are bad people or self-conceited or something similar, so when this person shows them kindness, they OVER-REACT to their kindness. They take it to mean EVERYTHING. As a result, these people hang onto the Most Wanted and want to reassure them that THEIR LOVE for that person is real, whereas everyone else is after their beauty or their talent or their wealth or what not.
This person learns to run the fuck away from all people because everyone around them goes a bit crazy.
Religious trauma – The above is OFTEN combined with a philosophical or religious trauma because the person who inspires love and desire in everything gets GUILTED a lot. They cop every variation of: “You must show me love. You must learn to repay my feelings for you with similar feelings about me.” They may thus spend lifetimes trying to “fix themselves” because they cannot quite feel the right way about the people surrounding them. This leads to a cycle of self-observation, manipulation of one’s OWN emotions, attempts to be a better person and forcing relationships that they truly do not want into existence. This is the origin of most religions and spiritual philosophies. The attempt to love people who you don’t love (and the controlling body of people who keep you to your promise and your goal). (“God is watching.”)
Many psychological theories also guilt and shame these same people; narcissists, anti-social, ambivalent… You name it. They’re all about people who don’t feel the “right emotions” about a person they’re obligated but unable to love.
“Everyone is a user” – Some parents create a trauma in a beautiful daughter by explaining to her that everyone will be after “the one thing” and that everyone will be looking to abuse her either sexually or as a commercial commodity. They may also instruct her to be the user rather than the user, but with the assumption that everyone WILL attempt to use them.
The male equivalent of this is a man who grows up being taught that women want men for nothing but their money, and that they keep withholding sex. They may grow up thinking they must extract as much sex from her as possible for the minimum amount of money spent. The female equivalent is trying to do the opposite; extract as much money out of him with minimum amount of sex and love shown.
Looking for True Love based on your trauma
Abandonment: True love is “someone who will never leave me”
Brutal breakup: True love is “someone who will fight for me, to chase me”
Too Wanted: True love is “someone who doesn’t want to chain me down for their own purposes”
Fearing abuse: True love is “someone who lets me abuse them.”
When you get a bad combination of these traumas, you can see what happens: A person who shows love by not tying you down falls in love with a person who wants you to show love by chasing him or her despite their pretend rejections or someone who simply wants to ensure someone to stay with them forever clinging to dear life to the person who just wants to be left alone for a change. Combine the girl fearing to be used with the guy who got brutally abandoned…
All I want to do is to scream: OKAY EVERYONE, JUST GET BACK INTO YOUR OWN GOD DAMNED CORNERS FOR A SECOND! Everyone let go of everyone juuuust for a second and we’ll figure this puzzle out! Everyone can have what they need and want, just… CHILLL!
Looking for love based on your heart’s truth
There’s a lot of people who are severely traumatized in this world, and among them, are those who haven’t been terribly traumatized yet. A person who is looking for true love in the sense that a true lover is one who loves you for your soul, who is equal to you, and with whom you FEEL EQUALLY STRONGLY that you both want to be together, not just A relationship but this PARTICULAR relationship. You and I, because we’re special to each other, -kind of way, is going to be mixing with people who try all their might to convince them they are a commitment phobic because they don’t fall in love with a person who wants love.
Ironically, these people are the people who are NOT traumatized by love yet. However, they are the ones who cop the blame for being a commitment phobic, ‘afraid of intimacy’, ‘cold’, ‘selfish’ and the list goes on. The abandoned people, in particular, try their hardest to force this person to stay with them because they feel that if they are not in a relationship with anyone yet, they owe it to the nearest needy to make a commitment.
Although this sounds like this is the goal person, the healthy person, no. This person, although not traumatised, still has ways to go: they have to figure out how to say no, how to navigate the masses of people who want to pin them down and how to achieve that true love that they are seeking without getting caught with the people who want them simply because it’s an emergency.
The abandoned women, especially, tend to be troublesome as they may cling onto their female friends just as easy as their male friends or love interests. Men tend to be less clingy simply because it’s perceived to be unmasculine. Even when they are clingy, they target their ex-girlfriend or their ex-wife for their affections. Sometimes they transfer their emotions to a mother or a sister, who they praise for being “trustworthy” and “never leaving them”. Of course, women can also cling onto their family members, but usually choose their mother or daughter, which means that the female half of our society gets clung onto with the assumption that they SHOULD be more loving in order to be ‘feminine’ and ‘good women’. Men rarely get the same level of pressure from family or friends, but they cop it when they are single from women they date, and also their significant other if applicable.
Opposing Value Mirror and Trail Companion*
The clinging behavior ALWAYS happens between either Opposing or Trail Companions*. This means that there is a major disagreement over whether or not a person who is loved owes that person love in return IF they are single. One person believes that since you are not attached, you OWE your love and help to any person who would have them. (Now they’d oppose the word “any” but only in relation to someone “less” than them. ALL clingy people believe THEY deserve love from whomever they choose to demand it from but the same doesn’t apply to all people, particularly to people more alcoholic or less wealthy or less attractive then they, themselves are.)
The person who believes love is owed, only makes their judgment based on how good of a person they are; a law-abiding tax-paying working person should be enough for anyone single. They believe love is deserved once you’ve got the basics covered. They also believe a person who fails to meet these standards is in no position of choosing. They react with amazement to an unemployed person who tells them they don’t love them and expects that to be an excuse enough.
Laws
I know you won’t believe me, but I’m going to say it anyway. All laws are a battlefield between two values: To force people to show love to one another (taxes being the primary example, alongside with the enforcement of monogamous heterosexuality as the primary relationship type (one for each!)) and ensuring people their freedom from the overbearing control of those who believe they’ll be missing out unless laws force matters. Interestingly enough, social security both protects those who are running from love and forces others to show love to others. (One of the worst positions for anyone to be in when trying to maintain romantic freedom is poverty. If you cannot support yourself, the temptation is to get into a relationship with anyone who will have you – or be locked in a mistake due to the lack of funds to break away from it.)
One group of people fears that if these selfish people are not controlled, they will abandon everyone and simply live their lives to themselves (which is true to an extent) and the other group fears if not controlled, these people will control everything and everyone and make everyone wear the same thing and be completely under the rule of some centric government. Sci-fi movies are all showing the two fears; complete chaos vs. complete control. “If they get their way…”
In your personal relationships
Bringing all of this back around again; in your personal relationships there are people who are trying to save themselves for that special person who they will love for all the reasons that they are; beautiful, intelligent, philosophical, etc, you know, that perfect person. Although everyone defines perfection differently, they are not desperately looking for love, but are looking for someone truly special from their own perspective.
Then, there are those people, who are looking for JUST SOMEONE (good enough) to count on and to trust to be there forever.
One person believes they can afford to be choosy, and that they can handle single life for a lot longer than others, they may not feel a strong pressure or wish to start a family, and they don’t feel loneliness the same way as the others, so they simply go for the long haul: “I’ll find someone.”
The other type is trying to convince, coerce, and guilt these people into relationships that they may not want, often succeeding. If a person chases you long enough, strong enough, and goes through a bit of shit for you, it is really difficult to keep saying no. Also, when everyone pressures you into “choosing already”, they may choose someone they don’t want out of the available few, as they will start seeing the pressure to accept the fact they are pining for the moon.
I do say these people should be left alone to their romantic wishes, and trusted that if the chasers are right, they’ll find it out sooner or later – and people like them will always have the option of settling for someone less than what they wanted, any day, anywhere… But that is not always the way the clingy people see it, as they figure anyone should be happy to be “loved like that”… but if you’re surrounded by “love like that” everywhere you go, you do want the upgrade.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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