Narcissism and externalizing shame

Dishonesty in feelings is very human. We all do it up to a point. The logic is about the same with everybody, but the way we handle things is considered narcissistic if we force other people to keep functioning in a manner that allows us to not face our own shame (and guilt, which is also just a source of shame). However, there are things narcissists do, that are actually healthy, that “normal” people tend to avoid doing. However, these “normal” people are missing a pathological categorization, or I’m not aware of it… It seems to be a trauma caused by a pursuit of virtuous living, which can be… Sorta narcissistic… In a different way. However, let’s back up.

Virtue, first of all

We all have our virtues, the things we are proud of about ourselves. These virtues are NOT the same for everybody, but we treat them with the same level of importance. The more narcissistic a person is, the more they assume and expect other people to live by their own code of virtue. The more narcissistic a person is, the more entitled they feel in forcing the matter.

People’s virtues can be absolutely polar opposite, by the way. One person feels it is his virtue to provide for his family. Another man’s virtue is to NOT run after money and link love to wealth. While a woman may feel her virtue is to not sleep with men at a moment’s notice, another woman’s virtue is to love a man without a question or feeling selfishly justified to demand he attempts to “deshame” her sexuality by “making an honest woman out of her”. (A very good example of very different virtues, that I might get into with more detail at some stage.)

Who are we trying to impress?

A person may feel that their first duty and wish is to make their parents proud. What they feel their parents would be proud of becomes their virtue. This may not always be accurate, but is based on a person’s own virtuous code, an ASSUMPTION that this is what my parents would be proud of. Many people try to make their parents proud to the day they die. Others do not.

The people we try to impress and make proud of us are different. We prioritize our relationship categories differently. They are:

1. Family: Parents, the matriarch, the patriarch, sometimes a sibling, especially with twins, but much more rarely so.
2. Friends: some people want to be known to be a good friend; their virtuous code is “the great friend”. A person who knows how to be a great friend often to everybody.
3. Lovers/significant others: To some people, impressing their romantic or sexual partners is the first priority over family and friends.
4. Business partners/the industry: There are also people who utilize all the above people in the service of their image as a business professional
5. Social media followers (or more traditional fans).  Some people now prioritize their image as an influencer above all other relationships.

Bonus: Ideological groups such as the members of the church, some subculture like punks, rockers, artists, feminists, environmentalists… These are often chosen by the primary group you seek to impress. If your parents are avid churchgoers, and you are type 1, you’ll go to church and follow religion as per their standard to impress your parents. If you’re group 3, and you know the man/woman you love is a person of faith, you may emphasize your religious side to impress them.

Observational bias

I am personally in category 3.

If I were a psychologist, I’d be very inclined to say that groups 1,2, 4, and 5 are immature, and they don’t know what is important in life, but if I were in any other category I’d be inclined to insist THAT category is the virtuous one.

We all do that. Who we prioritize is individual and there are individual reasons for why we choose the group we choose. It SEEMS TO ME, tho, that groups 1 and 3 are the most often the TRUE group we try to impress through the others.

No group is better than the other

Many people, including group 5 themselves, are perhaps keen on saying trying to impress your fans and followers is a bit… Sick. And yes, it is, but it only signifies this person’s most likely Destination Soulmate exists OUTSIDE their social circles. This means they build their social profile knowingly or subconsciously to impress that person or those people. They are not happy with the social relationships they have at hand, which is the reason they project an image outside rather than inside. It’s not pathological, just a bad situation for a person to be in.

The business people are the same, and often, people who prioritize their lovers are, too. This is because we’re not born with our lovers, nor do we start dating at the age of 5, but we may create very poorly fitting relationships from an early age that get in the way of our seeking of love, whether we deserve to or not. A LOT OF PEOPLE make friends from the start in their attempt to impress a future partner. To some, friendships don’t carry as much weight in their method of seduction than to others.

Now: how our social circles are harnessed to impress the right people

Confrontation: You’re making me look bad

Now, here’s the thing narcissists do right. They confront you with their accusation that YOU are not functioning as a source of my narcissistic supply.

Let me give you a personal example, as they’re many and varied as I’m a troubled person. 😉 (I’m not really, but I’m about as self-aware as people come which is why I am able to dissect my own life and personality as I wish… And I take pride in that; it is a part of my virtue code; self-awareness and openness and emotional honesty. And this example is how I failed following my own virtue code… before all of it became one.)

My so-called best friend was a bit of a cunt, and I never confronted her about it

I had a friend who had a habit of befriending every man I was ever in love with. (I’m someone who prioritizes her romantic relationship, she prioritizes either friends and family). I was normally very self-confident, but when it came to my True Emotion Mirrors¹, I was a bit out of my depth, as it happens. She LOVED it. She made a point of approaching and befriending the very men I was too scared to talk to. That made her feel powerful.

Now, if I had been a narcissist, I would have CONFRONTED HER about this habit.

I also had my doubts about what she is saying about me to these men. If I had been HONEST about my emotions, I would have confronted her about THAT particular feeling. However, according to the code of virtue I was living by then, I suffocated my own feelings and forced myself to trust her. I was being dishonest about my feelings about her.

Misunderstandings and karmic binds follow dishonesty in emotional expression

Later, in spirit, she says she knew I loved her more than anyone else because I allowed her to do whatever she wants… With my men, it seemed.

I didn’t love her more than anyone else, obviously. In fact, I secretly despised her… And have done for freaking lifetimes by now!

Ironically, being trusting and accommodating to other women was something I believed would impress the men I loved. Therefore, against my true feelings, I befriended a lot of women. HELPED a lot of women. Became a hero and an icon to a lot of women.

Wanting to impress my True Emotion Mirrors is also the reason I, in my previous lifetimes, devoted myself to the worship of God… Because I thought that would get me laid. 😉 (This makes sense if you know more about my past lives. Ironically, the fact I’ve devoted lifetimes to psychology and spirituality has led me here, dissecting my soulmate relationships so that I will clear the way to my True Emotion Mirrors – and hopefully help others in their pursuit of doing the same; something I hoped will impress my True Emotion Mirrors but probably doesn’t, in all honesty. I think they’re rather impatient with me and wish I’d fuck them already, lol.)

1. I’m polyandrous by my leaning, hence the plural. ↩

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