Oh so this *invasion of my privacy in spirit* was a shame punishment! LOL

Yeah so this morning two things happened; I realized narcissism is about SHAME and covering up shame narcissists can’t handle, and about establishing the pecking order. There’s a certain point when they feel worthless and all that, where a healthy mind can cope quite well.

Eventually, the discussion led to the fact that they’ve been trying to shame me, which I have noticed wondering they’re just trying to win me back by establishing I’m not good enough for the men who love me. But mom just revealed that she staged a shaming punishment for me because I haven’t been ashamed enough of my sexual behavior and unconformity. Let’s just say I hit the roof and royally returned my fucking reaction, which was, effectively: “HOW DARE YOU, and SHAME ON YOU”, considering there is ONE THING that I hold sacred, and it is my sexuality, and there is FUCKING NOBODY IN THIS WORLD who gets to “SHAME ME” for that. NOBODY.

You know how fictional superheroes and magicians form a forcefield around themselves when they get angry? That’s how I feel.

Fuck ’em. I cannot express my loathing of that attitude enough. But, the good news is I’m finally done here. I have TRULY seen them for who they TRULY are. My eyes are now FULLY OPEN to who I’ve called “friends”. “FRIENDS” sounding like having to call a pile of turd “a friend”. Just try it. That’s what you thought was your friend, like you even despise YOURSELF for having thought that. That’s  how fucking smart you’ve been right? That’s how I feel about this now. How in Heaven’s name do I dare to do that to myself?! Call people like that MY FRIENDS, no matter HOW fucking menial friends or… you know how I considered them “not that close friends” but friends nonetheless. How dare I do that to myself and to my men? Fucking shame on me for that. Fucking SHAME ON ME.

So they finally managed to make me feel shame. First time in my life but will be the fucking last… I hope.

I’ve felt EMBARRASSED before, and kind of MORTIFIED a few times, but I’ve never felt SHAME. Now I do. How the FUCK did I allow those people into my life? What kind of a fucking MORON does that to oneself? How do I even punish myself for that?! I deserve a fucking punishment. FROM MYSELF. How do I punish myself for allowing shit to sit on my sofa?

You know one of my True Emotion Mirrors remembers being fucking Merlin. He’s often depicted wearing that cone hat, right? Fools’ hat that is. He said he made himself wear it for a year as a punishment for stupidity he decided he needed to be fucking shamed for. I need a fool’s hat.

And a professional cleaner.

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