People with this bonding disorder see other people’s sexual and romantic preferences as a frustrating inconvenience to their own marital plans.
Most nice people have experience with people who have a type of anyone will do -bonding disorder. Most single people are looking to marry eventually. We are all looking for someone special to spend the rest of our lives with. Poly or monogamous, we will and should remain picky about who we will eventually form a relationship with. Due to people with bonding disorders, many of us feel forced to play down and hide our willingness to ultimately marry, lest we excite these people too much.
To a person with a bonding disorder, “someone special” means “a person of approximately right age, sex, and location, who is interested in me.” They have set the bar to bond VERY, VERY LOW. They will easily see ANY green light as a sexual or romantic interest to the point of wishing to marry them. A person with a bonding disorder sees another person’s preferences and standards, expectations, and the bar they set for their future partner as a frustrating inconvenience that they are more than willing to label as “intimacy issues” or “a commitment phobia” so that they can ignore those preferences for their own convenience. To a person like this, preferences are “just making things difficult.” They do not want to understand why people’s personal preferences have to get in the way of two single people marrying each other. They see it as waste.
This is a huge red flag in a person.
What is the trigger?
When you meet your True Emotion Mirror, you will very likely fall in love at first sight. To a person who has experienced bonding disorders in others, their own reaction to a complete stranger can be very worrying. Here is the key, however: What triggered it? Their good looks? All good. Their way of talking? A sense of an existing bond from a previous lifetime? All good. It’s all good.
A person with a bonding dysfunction reacts TO AN OPPORTUNITY. They see a little light from a crack in the door and think “Booyah! They are AVAILABLE TO ME!” The light they see is a single person of about the right age, NOT COMPLETELY IGNORING them. This may relate to a person who is acting nice in a professional setting. The trigger, thus is NOT BEING IGNORED. A True Emotion Mirror doesn’t have to do anything specific in regards to you to have an impact on you.
When that person expresses disinterest, they take it as a sign of an intimacy issue or some other problem; they cannot see a rejection of someone who is “serious about them” for a valid reason to reject them. In fact, a rejection, to them, may trigger a chase reaction. The way they interpret a rejection is anyone’s guess. A form of play, maybe? Trying to “act” hard to get? A problem to solve?
A True Emotion Mirror love is triggered by… True love. It is a reaction to someone whose spiritual energy matches yours perfectly. And it is an impossibly difficult thing to explain to someone who has NO STANDARDS for a potential partner, or whose standards are set very, very low.
Red flags in a person.
The following things maybe a sign of a bonding disorder.
Obesity.
Obesity is a completely natural and a right reason for a person looking for a partner to be put off by. It is not ALWAYS an issue, but it is certainly a red flag to be mindful of.
The reason why obesity is a potentially disqualifying trait, is that it shows a blindness to the other person’s needs—an indifference and disrespect toward another person’s sexual experience. While most of us lose the grip on our weight here and there, it can also signal having been in a bad relationship for a time, when one’s appearance doesn’t matter, having lost faith in finding a partner, having been so focussed on work that dating has taken a back seat, BUT a person who is looking toward a new relationship SHOULD BE automatically and naturally aware of one’s physical appearance and it’s appeal to a potential partner.
A person with a bonding disorder maybe also testing their partner for a similar bonding disorder. The logic goes: “‘A good person’ wouldn’t reject me based on my looks.” That may continue with “a good person wouldn’t reject me based on no sexual chemistry/being treated badly.” A person with a disorder like this may attempt to remove ALL of their positive traits just so they can make sure their partner also has no standards at all.
Some people have a genuine preference (fetish) for a heavy body, and it’s all fine and dandy, but it absolutely is a JUSTIFIABLE red flag for most people.
Unappealing appearance; inability to follow fashion properly.
Excluding subculture fashion that can get a little… Imaginative, fashion illiteracy is a red flag in a person, too. It again shows a type of blindness toward one’s own appearance and other people’s needs. While fashion is often used to show disrespect toward the mainstream thinking deliberately, it should still give a nod and a positive signal for people in the same subculture – and specifically the person who is the target of their affections.
A socially competent person can use fashion as a form of communication, and does so willingly and accurately.
Eagerness to bond, combined with an inability to, pardon me, get laid.
If a person doesn’t have a special reason to be a virgin for longer than their 20th year, it is a red flag. Most people lose their virginity from 15 to 17 years of age, having said that, an extreme panic to do so can also be a red flag, but an understandable one, as long as they figure it out soon enough.
Especially in women, if you cannot find a person willing to sleep with you, there must be something wrong. Virginity despite trying hard is a major red flag, not something to boast about. That said, when we’re young, many of us go for a lower hanging fruit so to speak, and avoid sleeping with people who seem unattainable. Therefore, the average age, this is my guess, for very attractive people to lose their virginity maybe higher than average. Still, 20 should be enough time for most of us to get there.
That said, virgin or not, continued struggle to find intimate partners despite trying seems odd, particularly if they do go out and looking. Not looking is also strange, but obviously there are circumstances that explain it. Not wanting sexual intimacy is a sign of some issue, say what you will. (Then forcing it to avoid labels is a sign of another. ;p)
Not knowing how to flirt.
Even something as minor as being unable to have fun with the whole single and looking thing, is a red flag in a person. Inability to pay a compliment in a fun way is a problem. Especially if the inability to pay a compliment comes from a fear of losing ground or credibility, or “loosing the relationship” is a red flag but relates to another problem; narcissism. Mind you, narcissism is not always an absolute reason not to be in love with a person, but it is a good reason to not pursue a relationship until solved. (And it can be solved.)
Focus on money or status.
A person with a bonding disorder may also be looking for reasons to even have a partner. Therefore, they focus on the obvious benefits of acquiring one; money, status, and power. Their motivation to bond isn’t authentic or natural, but is focussed on the material of it.
Cannot tell what they are looking for in a potential partner; an empty profile.
What is also a huge red flag is a person who is dating but with almost no preferences, wants, or needs. “Up for anything” attitude may sound carefree and relaxed, but is much more sinister than that: They’re willing to bond with anyone who’d have them. They’ll also adapt themselves based on what the other person wants, and consider this an asset, a good thing. The way they communicate is the “oh me too” response, or mere silence to another person’s monologue. Alternatively, they only focus on asking you questions as if interviewing you on what they must turn into for you.
Interview style dating partner.
You may have noticed; a normal person doesn’t necessarily interview a potential partner, they don’t ask questions; we get PROMPTED for another topic as we tell each other stuff about ourselves. We have conversation starters; we may wear them, or we have pointers to discuss about in our profiles. We find things to comment on in our surroundings, rather than conduct an interview of a potential partner – the interview style shows interest, yes, and many people may have gotten used to thinking it is the only way to show interest, but a barrage of questions without any information offered about them, their wants, needs, preferences, likes, and dislikes is a red flag.
Online, an empty profile is something to be concerned about. It signals shame or fear of discovery. It states an unwillingness to set anything in stone, because they feel the need to adapt to every possible single strangers personal needs. Let’s say you put it in your profile that you’re straight woman, and a lesbian woman contacts you. What do you do now? FUUUUKKK!
Being very generic
Along the same lines, a person with a bonding disorder of some description may also try to maintain a very generic persona UNTIL they bond with someone with a specific one. They will try to not put people off by what they wear, think, involve themselves with, what opinions they hold, what music they listen to etc. A person with a bonding disorder will change their minds and views by a public vote. They try not to leave a trace, until they know who they have a chance with. Their interest is triggered BY AN OPPORTUNITY, not by synchronicity of personalities.
A person like this may then have a completely different personality when they become involved with someone. When a former partner made them a vegan, all of the sudden, they’re full on into paleo with a new one. A third partner may turn them into a car enthusiast who eats whatever the event food trailer has on offer.
Telling fantastical stories.
Another way to not offer any real information about oneself is to tell stories. They maybe disguised as a fun sort of riddle, or entertainment. The solution to the riddle is a “relieving” “I’m just a regular person just like you, phew!” The purpose of fantastical stories is to create a bond to the flesh of the person, so by the time you discover the truth about them, they hope you’ve already fallen for their presence and don’t want to let that go.
I’d like to point out that there is a variant to a story teller that is perfectly fine in my books. They tell tall stories with a full intention and capacity to live up to them if an opportunity presents. They have the talent and skills they tell “advertisement” style stories about, even though they had very little experience in the practicality of it. It’s a case to case thing.
A person with a bonding disorder will want to make you seem like the crazy one.
The reason why we keep missing this is that a person with a bonding disorder wants you to think YOU have an issue. They belittle and ridicule the wish to find true love or believing in something like “the right one.” To them, having a preference for good looking or smart people who are charming and exciting is “narcissism,” “vanity,” or “superficiality.” Interestingly enough, as far as superficiality goes, they excel in that themselves… In every way.
(They are also narcissistic and vain in a funny way. To them, everything is about “a show of normalcy” rather than what we usually associate with narcissistic behaviour.)
People with a bonding disorder will try to NAG YOU into a commitment with them, or ANYONE, really. They believe that each single person is an issue to be solved, not a romantic waiting for their one true love. They fully believe there is something wrong with you if you are unwilling to bond with any random individual who happens to be single at the time you meet.
Looking for a marriage vs. looking for true love.
There is a HUGE difference in looking for a marriage or looking for true love. While you can technically marry anybody, true love or not, for life, a person who DOES NOT make a difference between the two is simply looking for a prop into their lives. There is a role to be filled and it doesn’t matter who fills it. This is a bonding disorder linked to narcissistic thinking; “anything is real if you make it seem like it.”
A person with a healthy bonding style should reject most people from their marital plans as they’re looking for “the right one.” Marriage should be a bond between people who are in love with each other despite knowing each other very well, but a person with a bonding disorder wants to marry a stranger and REMAIN a practical stranger to their partner. They avoid real conversations, sexual interaction, and any form of intimacy while in a relationship with another person. These are the real intimacy issues.
The fine print.
While I make it sound like a real issue, it is MUCH LESS of an issue with people who think alike. I call them the Young Soul* for this purpose, as opposed to the Ravens*. It is truly a matter of opinion which is a problem, but I do think whichever way you are, you should avoid the other type. The moral of this story is, that if you treat the Ravens* as if they were insane looking for whatever they’re looking, they can do the same to you with much better arguments.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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