Random thoughts about narcissistic relationships
Narcissists** will always attempt to safe face by blaming all relationship issues on someone else. They fear relationships, and they fear being alone, but when they are once again at the brink of a breakup, they need YOU TO KNOW that IT WAS YOUR FAULT, your ex’s fault, your mother’s fault, maybe your dog’s fault, but certainly NOT THEIRS. They fear the embarrassment of not being important enough for anybody to be in a relationship at all times. They feel the need to prove their worth quickly by having a public relationship they can show off to other people. (If someone points out that this is “the love of your life #6 for the year,” they wish to quickly dismiss such claims and find some excuse to explain why this one is the real one the others were just nothing and don’t even count. And a narcissist will never laugh at themselves. Never, so joking about the frequency of their relationship changes is not going to go down well with a narcissist, even though a normal person could shrug their shoulders and laugh along.)
Narcissistic hell: The need for a relationship that they dread.
They want relationships desperately, yet, they are terrified of them. They fear being in a relationship almost as much as they fear being rejected or ejected from them. If they can, they use a lot of control and coercion to make a relationship stick, even brutal force. (I’ve heard of a narcissist literally chaining the doors with a padlock so their spouse won’t escape the home. Inside, the narcissist had surveillance cameras in every room. This is from someone I know personally, not some horror story I found online.) Normally, narcissists are not THAT BAD. They can be almost invisibly narcissistic. You KNOW there’s something wrong with your partner when he padlocks you into the house, but normally, the abuse is a lot more subtle than that. Nearly invisible at times, and covert narcissists can make it seem like you’re imagining it, overreacting, or just petty and selfish.
A narcissist may use another person to blame for the breakups and volatile situations, either their partner or a third party, if they can. However, what they claim you should have done to keep the relationship going is the issue. You should have been more patient. Being endlessly understanding, kind, and forgiving is your duty, not theirs. You should have had a bigger penis for sure. (Easy target to hit.) You couldn’t satisfy, you were too fat, you weren’t clean enough, you weren’t smart enough, whatever, and the reason is always delivered with a voice of dismissal, discrediting you, devaluating you. “You are not enough.”
If any of the narcissistic relationship stages is missing, you’re not with a narcissist.
- Idealize (love bombing) 2. Isolate 3. (attempt to) use 4. devaluate 5. discard
The narcissistic relationship phases as per traditional psychology goes says: idealize (“Oh, you look useful,” informing you they think you’re valuable, and aiming to pay you by boosting your ego, the ego boost is designed to create an addiction to praise), isolate (my addition but well-known phase; the attempt to make you see your friends and family members as toxic and harmful to you, (attempt to) use (looking for an angle, figuring out what they caught/have and if they can use you or not), devaluate (“you’re useless, shape up/step up/improve to avoid losing my favor and winding up in the trash”), discard (“you’re not useful, go away”). These phases can happen very close together, even interlaced, and repeated.
First comes the love bombing, idealization of you, huge feelings. “This is what you can have if you keep up good work.” With the praise, the target will also reveal more of their skills and talents, effectively giving the narcissist a laundry list of ways they can be used in a relationship. They’ll map out your friends and family members, aka their enemies, and start to purposefully put them in situations where they’ll appear toxic to you. If you don’t see it yourself, they’ll help you notice how your friends and family hold you back and need to be eliminated from your life.
The narcissist is not completely unfair; they will also offer ways for you to use them. Whether they eventually allow you to use them is another matter. The relationship itself is based on that usage, in many ways, and this is the longest phase. The relationship lasts for as long as you are useful to the narcissist. Then, comes devaluation; “you’re useless, worthless, incompetent, nothing. If you’re not careful, I won’t need you much longer.” Then, they’ll discard you.
1. Idealize
The first stage starts with absolute adoration of you. You’ve never had a sweeter friend or a partner. They’ll buy you gifts, take care of you, they’ll shower you with compliments and glorifying future visions of you. They can make you a star, in one way or another. Stick with them, and they’ll make all your dreams come true.
This is to hook you up and to get a clear idea of how you can be used. What is valuable to you, what can be used to kick you down, where do your weaknesses lie. And, also, where do your friend’s weaknesses lie? They want you to put your guard down and share your innermost thoughts with them – and the more secrets you hold, the better they feel. Whenever you hold a secret, a secret holds you – namely in the hands of a narcissistic partner or a friend.
2. Isolate
Simultaneously, or next, they’ll have to find ways to get your closest friends to abandon you. The faster the better. They will be likely to quickly befriend your friends only to “find out” something you’ve missed; they’re toxic, crazy, a free-loader, a user or something else that, for your own benefit, you’d better off without. Sometimes, it takes one to know one: they’re probably pretty good at identifying other narcissists whether they know that’s what they’re looking for or not.
Now… That is not to say normal people wouldn’t want to protect their loved ones from users and toxic people, but it is to say that a narcissist will help matters along by making your most trusted friends turn on you as they try to protect you from what THEY recognize is a narcissist. They’ll try to make it seem that your friends are crazy, paranoid, and jealous, and “have had it against me from the start.”
Mind you that a narcissist needs some of your people there to use as leverage. “You wouldn’t do that to your children, would you?” They’ll certainly want any potential rivals out of your life, and people who see them for who they are.
3. (Attempts to) use.
The narcissist will try and find ways to use you somehow. If nothing else, you’re an ego-booster or a sex toy to them. They’ll brag about you to their friends and colleagues; they’ll make you feel special along there, but it’s one way they’re using you. (Again, this may be a part of a healthy dynamic too, as every phase alone can be.)
They’ll use their early helpfulness now as a ‘prepayment’ for anything they need you to do for them in return. It can be a very small favour that they’ll use to cash a big one. Their favors tend to have a huge interest rate. Even if they knew you couldn’t repay them a monetary gift or a ticket, they’ll still use it as a means to ask for something off you. Your best pre-emptive policy is to decide that a gift is a gift and you’re not under any obligation to return any of them, not from a narcissist and definitely not from a person who doesn’t even think about gifts as a to-and-fro. Receive gifts and favors with joy and gratitude, and make this your new principle, whether you’re in a narcissistic relationship now or not. Never feel the need to repay a gift, they’re all supposed to be free and without strings attached. “I didn’t think you’d be a person who gifts things with strings attached!”
A narcissist has no shame in how they present themselves to you. They can be a hero one day and the most pathetic helpless victim the next. They’ll be a fearless warrior and soon a shaking snow flake being pushed over their calm by a single small insult. They’ll act whatever role it takes to get what they want, INCLUDING NOT LIMITED TO the person who has your loved one’s best interest in mind; they’ll never shy away from using the people close to you as a means to an end: “Sure, but your grand father would be terribly ashamed if you didn’t.”
4. Devaluate
These three phases, idealize, use, and devaluate will be used in a loop-cycle to “suck you dry.” Devaluation means humiliation, withdrawing praise, sex, compliments, threatening with a breakup, berating, and even subbtle remarks: “Oh you used to put more effort into that. Don’t you love me anymore?” They’ll use the least amount of force they need to to keep you performing at the expected level, whatever there’s left in you.
5. Disgard.
Once they’ve sucked you dry and there’s but a shadow of your former self left, they’ll discard you. This may also happen at early stages of the relationship if they notice they cannot manipulate you or use you, or you simply don’t have what they need (car, house, money, status) but don’t lull yourself into a false sense of security if you don’t have those things and they want you anyway; you can be used in other ways. If for nothing else, then as a place holder in circles where having a relationship is a societal expectation.
They maybe attracted to your innocence and trust; it’s rare to find someone who trusts you without question and lets you in without fear. They may love the idea of fucking you up inside out, pardon my French.
You can also be a stepping stone to another person – or just a game piece that they want to make a play for. “See if I can steal him/her” sort of way. They may even be as callous as thinking “I’m bored. Let me see if I can destroy that family.” Once you’re in ruins, they’ll feel their job’s well done and they can move onto the next rush.
6. They’ll come back once you’re useful again – repeat from the top
I also believe that the relationship functions in a cycle. You’re no longer useful or there’s someone else who is more useful; you’re out. Once your situation changes, and you can be used for something again, they’re back. They may also use you for nothing more than boosting their ego: “Oh look, he’s seeing another woman… Let’s see if I can break them off… Oh yes, I can, cool, now, go away, I don’t need you anymore.”
If you’re the one who leaves the relationship, you’ll easily excite them into a cycle of revenge. It would be best for you if you could inspire them to leave you. Letting yourself go, being a little embarrassing to be with, and slipping up in your work role would be good ways to do it. You could even ask your boss to come in and give you a good talking to which you will take like a dog getting beaten up right in front of your partner, it maybe so embarrassing to them that they’ll leave you as a consequence. Do these kind of things only if you trust them to not be physically violent in that manner.
Once you step up again, they’ll want what you can give to them again. They’ll start with the idealization and love bombing again, but this phase gets shorter and shorter every round. “You’re still my best ex… My new partner is worthless…”
A normal relationship can include SOME of these stages but not all.
Now, if ANY OF THOSE STAGES is missing, it’s likely not a narcissistic relationship. A normal person doesn’t idealize you if they are not fully in love with you. They might devaluate you, but not after love bombing you to death. They may discard you (break up or end the relationship,) sure, but not after the other two phases. A narcissist is also always trying to use you in some way, for loneliness, sex, image boost, money, comfort, security, fun and excitement, or a stepping stone of some description. A narcissist is also always VERY UPSET with people who refuse to be used in these ways or who refuse to submit to the role they designed for them.
Also, people in love tend to prefer their isolated company. That is normal, but doesn’t happen through systematically trapping your friends into tripping and acting out of character. While normal people may well have a few suggestions in improving your circles of friends, they won’t deliberately make them seem toxic or insane to you. NORMALLY your friends shouldn’t also be saying that they were trapped and that your new girlfriend or boyfriend is the one who trapped them. Normal people will excuse you for thinking some of your friends have to go, but you’ve already thought about that yourself before the narcissistic influence. They’ll just validate your existing feelings. This maybe difficult or impossible see which it is, however.
Narcissistic paranoia is based on what they would do in your shoes.
Now, not all narcissists are dreadfully paranoid. Some of them are nothing but paranoid. What they feel paranoid about is what they feel they would do if they were in your position. That doesn’t mean that they DO what they think you’re doing, because if they don’t feel they can do what they think you could do, but it means they WOULD do what they think you’re doing in your shoes.
For instance, if they accuse you of cheating, it doesn’t mean they’re cheating on you, but it means if they thought they were as attractive as you are, they certainly would be cheating on a partner as unattractive as they are. (Why they so often insist on marrying someone much better looking than themselves considering they think they’ll cheat is another question.)
If they believe you are abusing power, doesn’t mean they are, but only because they’re not in a position to abuse power. It simply means that if they were, they would. (Please note that a non-narcissist can point out your wrongdoing without it meaning THEY would do the same thing in your position.)
Don’t think you have to earn a relationship by worship and servitude.
“What will women need us for if they can conceive without men?” Is one of those questions only a man suffering from the after effects of narcissistic abuse would ask. What do we need you for? For life to be enjoyable, that’s what. You’re wonderful, is the answer. Men are exciting and wonderful, and straight women love having them around. No need to repay in any other way but to be a male individual, thank you. I digress, however.
Relationships are supposed to be fun for both of you. They’re supposed to uplift your life and make your world seem bright. You don’t need to earn the right to feel happy to be around another person. You don’t have to pay for the right to be loved.
The people who get stuck in this narcissistic loop are the people who BELIEVE they have to EARN a relationship with someone. Men, in particular. Women tend to know they can just evaluate and discard without much ado, but men feel like they have to earn the right to be in a relationship with a holy female. (Due to narcissistic conditioning. So one narcissistic female will prep a guy for the next, and when a woman doesn’t love bomb like mental, or doesn’t try to use him financially, one or the other, he doesn’t know she’s even interested.)
A narcissist is desperate for a relationship.
A narcissist can also be so pushy for a relationship, that they “force” the other party to seemingly narcissistic behavior, such as devaluation to explain the bleeding obvious: “No, I don’t want a relationship with you, why?! You’re morbidly obese! I’m sorry but, I go to the gym 5 times a week and prefer a partner who does the same! I’m not saying you’re a horrible human being; I’m just saying our priorities are different!” Or… “Listen, I cannot see how our relationship could work. Your IQ is about 80 or something? My IQ is 160. I feel like I’m literally talking to a dog! I’m sorry but that’s nowhere near an equal partnership possibility!” Where a normal person may point out facts and real stark differences in character traits, a narcissist makes them up: “You’re just not smart enough!” to someone with realistically the same IQ as the narcissist themselves.
A narcissist may feel having ANY relationship is so important that they cannot understand why a single person would reject any offer of a partnership, especially if they offer themselves to be used like a narcissist uses their partner. Therefore, “an equal relationship,” as per narcissistic interpretation goes is that of mutual abuse. I use you, I abuse you, you can hit me, I can hit you! Sweet! What’s there not to want?
Narcissists** also want to over-simplify all relationships.
Narcissists** want simple relationships. They want clear rules and roles to full fill. They want relationships that do not challenge or question their own existence. To them, however, an extreme sport is to play with relationships. They go between extreme fear of losing a relationship and complete lack of care over whether or not the relationship lasts. A normal person prioritizes relationships, too, but they attempt to keep some connections to certain people, even if they are not super close, a narcissist wants to basically rip every other relationship to shreds as they can, and just find the “unbreakable” relationships, that maybe completely abusive but last whatever comes.
A normal person wants very much breakable relationships that are BASED ON the understanding that if we don’t treat each other nicely and make each other happy, this relationship shouldn’t even exist. A narcissist may be the happiest the more mutually abusive the relationship is. This makes them feel valuable and cared for – when someone allows them to abuse them, it must mean they’re important and loved.
The reason what makes narcissists difficult to live with is that they want to believe themselves to be absolutely, 100% perfect.
If you know a person who you know to take any criticism really poorly, you’re probably dealing with a narcissist. This is someone who you cannot ever correct even in the smallest of ways, without them turning on you, being reduced to self-loathing tears, or otherwise over-reacting to the feedback in a manner that really makes you think twice before you take up anything further with them again.
So you know you’re constantly on egg shells, making sure they have the full freedom to imagine themselves to be perfect, while they dish criticism to you without even the smallest amount of consideration to your feelings and self-confidence… They believe they are “perfect” at relationships, because they get to make up all the rules of every relationship they’ve ever been a part of, because if someone else has ever tried to correct them somehow, they’ve been shown that it’s really not a good thing to do.
Therefore, they live under the illusion they’re perfect, they know how relationships work, and nobody has ever had anything negative to say about them ever, at least not with a good enough reason.
A narcissist will accuse you of narcissism to point out that you owe them a relationship.
When two people are arguing over who is the narcissist, it’s the one who wants to use the accusation as a reason to CONTINUE the relationship. This is the weirdest narcissistic thing. Narcissists** think you “being a narcissist” is a reason for a continued relationship – not the reason to break it off. They may even think “narcissism” is a compliment of some description, meaning “the boss.” “You’re a narcissist” to them, may mean “you are bossy, superior, clever, a survivor, the leader in the group.” And that would be a compliment in their books.
Typically, however, they seem to feel that if they point out that you’re a narcissist, you’ll have to prove them wrong by remaining in the relationship. Anyone who truly believes another party is a narcissist wouldn’t want a relationship with them in a fit. In fact, I tend to break off ties to anyone who can’t see another person’s narcissism. “If you’re a friend with this narcissist, we cannot be. I’m sorry but they’re too big of a risk factor in my life.”
Show them in a negative light: narcissistic insult.
There is also a possibility that the narcissist has gotten a narcissistic insult; someone showed them a possible view of themselves that didn’t flatter them. Like showing a mirror to someone who is under illusion they are perfect, but the mirror shows something unflattering. This means they have to quickly get away from a person who sees them for who they are, who possibly shows them in a negative light, and isolate that person from anyone who they might correctly inform of their character.
They may also become obsessed with this “mirror”. They may feel the need to destroy the mirror or befriend the mirror. If the mirror can be re-befriended, then the vision in it cannot be negative, can it? In some cases, they scare off and decide to reject the mirror before the mirror beats them to the punch.
Magnet for a narcissist?
Another thing you need to know about narcissists is that they don’t react to people who they are not impressed by or see as being useful to them. They have ego-booster targets “being friends with X will mean I’m a cool person” and utility friends: “X has the keys to the evidence room. Better make them a friend.” They also like to keep an eye on certain people and/or destroy them so they won’t be a problem for them later on. “Oh so you’re still friends with your ex? I’d love to meet them! I’m sure we’d get along great.” Then, wait, find ammo, and “shoot.”
If you are in either category, you probably learn narcissistic traits pretty fast. Mind you, a lot of narcissism is passed off as generic female traits all the time. However, a narcissist needs to see you as a means to an end somehow to be even interested in talking to you.
The storm off
The narcissistic storm off happens when a narcissist finds themselves in a relationship situation that they didn’t see coming. Blind-sighting a narcissist with a surprising situation is not something they like a whole lot. If you manage to embarrass a narcissist in any way, they’ll storm off never to return if you’re lucky, but wind up brewing a revenge for decades if you’re unlucky. (Super villain characters in movies.) The more audience there is for the embarrassment the more they need revenge, unless they authentically feel the floor was wiped with them fair and square by someone bigger and badder than them. (Like Johnny “Big Dog” Depp. lol.)
The storm off is a reaction to “I don’t know how I’m supposed to act here, therefore, I’ll just fuck off and go die.”
The razz test.
It is a good test of a narcissist to see how they react to even a mild joke at their expense. Razzing, you see? If you tease them in front of others, or even alone, will they find it funny or will they react like they’d just been deliberately run over by a truck? Imagine the Best Man at a wedding making a toast-roast in American movie style. A narcissistic groom or bride will not laugh along. They will not find that shit funny. (There’s a good chance they’ve written the speeches on behalf of everybody or even decided they’re the only ones allowed to speak at their own wedding.)
Make a well-intentioned, good-humoured joke, and see how the person reacts. If they can at least “ha-ha, very funny!” with even a slight smile to you, they’re likely OK. A stone faced, wordless response combined with a “how dare you?! (Don’t you understand you are my servant?!)” -face is a narcissistic response. A submissive narcissistic reaction is a cold “I can’t believe I’m good for nothing” -look on their face (the same that normal people have when they are being unfairly criticized again and again and they’re too used to it to make that person stop), but a narcissist will definitely not laugh at a joke made at their expense.
Love Bombing or True Love?
You know we love to say nice things to people who we love and that is absolutely natural. When we truly fall in love, we shower that person with praise. We cannot get enough of saying nice things about someone who we adore. So how do you know it’s “love bombing” and as such, a phase in a narcissistic relationship.
What you need to pay attention to is this: Are they right? Do they praise you for what is real or what is real only in somebody’s imagination? Are they lulling you into believing you are much more to them than what you truly are in reality, and is their view on you in any way realistic or perceptive? Are they trying to feed your narcissistic self-image flogging a false ego, or are they trying to demonstrate that they see you for who you truly are, and as such, their love for you is real and valid? A normal person tries to prove to you that they see you for real, all of you, and despite their high opinion of you, they haven’t gotten lost in their fantasy world with you as the central point of it.
A True Emotion Mirror will love bomb you if you let them, too. The difference is that they see you for who you truly are – even if they have no knowledge of you before, because they know you from a previous life. It may feel odd, but they’re right, even when they have no way of actually knowing who you are. A True Emotion Mirror, as opposed to a narcissist, will also compliment you on “the right things” – things you value about yourself, rather than stuff that you wouldn’t want to be true even if it earned their admiration, such as: “You are such a boss! All these people just fear you and do as you tell them because they know you’ll kick their asses if they disobey!” In truth, you might see yourself as a fair boss, who is respected for that reason, not because you’re a little office tyrant. If you have to rephrase their compliments a lot, you might have yourself a narcissistic love bomber.
The Lazy Narcissist.
Usually, I blog about another type of a narcissist, which is not quite the same as this one. They are the unattractive, without talent, and with nothing but problems to load on you -narcissist. They feel they are entitled to everything without giving anything in return, and are even disappointed and insulted if they are told that they, too, should have something to bring to the table in a relationship. To them, “true love” means getting everything for nothing at all. This includes being kind to others, showing respect, trying to maintain a pleasant appearance, and sometimes all financial contribution to a relationship.
The process also starts with love bombing but in another way: “I love you, therefore you owe me love back.” It also includes a whole lot more guilt tripping than promises: “Are you so shallow you can’t see me as a partner because I am so-and-so?” Instead of isolating you, they’re going to tie you to social circles so that you can’t leave it. They’ll befriend your friends so that when you’re trying to get away from them, they can utilize a plethora of your friends to talk you into staying. They use you for money, social status, ego boost, but by far most importantly to appear proper and “like others” in society. It is unlikely they’ll disregard you, but they will keep reminding you how you are worthless or “weak” in this relationship, and how you cannot leave the narcissist without it looking really bad on you, or you doing the wrong thing by somebody – not necessarily the narcissist themselves.
The point of this relationship is that there’s only one person, the narcissist, who seems to want it to continue, which they see as being narcissistic on your part, because apparently they can want it enough for the both of you really.
Here’s my final, very controversial thought I need to share.
While narcissistic relationships are… crap when it is NOT your True Emotion Mirror, I’ll still say that when your True Emotion Mirror acts as “narcissistically” as a good person can, it’s DELICIOUS. When your loved one takes liberties, acts selfishly, and acts out of pure pleasure, their True Emotion Mirror rejoices. What they do is always in sync with what they’d have them do, and that means that your authentic selfishness is music to your True Lovers ears.
So the limit to this type of narcissism is that you CANNOT FORCE anybody into staying with you, and you shouldn’t stop anybody from leaving you if they want to. But while you give them all the freedom in the world to leave, act as selfishly as you can, including not limited to telling them you really want them to stay. This, of course is troublesome when there are people who guilt trip people for leaving anybody, but you know. Gradually, we’ll all learn to navigate our relationships. We have an eternity to learn… And come up with new delicious ways to f*** each other up. 😀
Check out this post, too: What is selfish?
Let that throw another spanner into the works. 😀
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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