Self-acceptance in not needing or wanting women

Ever since I was a child, I’ve felt like I wanted to hang out with boys much more than other girls. I always thought it was simply something that was appropriate rather than what girls wanted to do, just something civilized people did. If I had had my way, I would have hung out with boys only, and I would have had a blast. Instead, I was the silent girl listening to other girls prattle on about shit that didn’t interest me, or that I didn’t have an opinion on. Bored out of my mind.

Meaningless

I finally accepted that I don’t NEED to hang out with other women. Who is going to tell me to? Why should I? I don’t give a shit about other women, I truly don’t, this is not just bravado because I can’t measure up to other women or some such thing, I really don’t care. If a woman compliments me, for instance, it means nothing. It’s like… body temperature water, a sound you can’t hear, a food you can’t taste. It’s meaningless. It means nothing. If it does, it makes me feel weird because I feel like this girl is trying to get some reaction out of me, and I don’t have a reaction to give.

I’ve never met a woman whose opinion mattered. The only woman whose opinion mattered was my mom, but even with her, I only wanted her to accept me and let me go as I knew that what I wanted to be wouldn’t be something she’d be proud of, but I wanted her to be proud she raised a girl who was independently thinking or something… She isn’t proud. She’s ashamed, but whatever.

His opinion matters

Men’s opinion counts for something. It means something. I need to hear it from men that I measure up. My admiration towards men and their way of thinking is genuine, inborn. And I want them to admire me, in any context, and the more I admire the individual guy, the more his opinion of me matters of course.

There are comments I hear from men I can’t get enough of, that many women would vomit hearing… And I lap them up.

“Coming from a woman, it means something….”

I remember once talking to this woman who was a bit drunk… Her top was hiking upwards uncovering her belly, and she was banging on about having had a child 2 years ago but having lost the baby weight. My eyes were constantly drawn to the belly before she got into the baby talk, and I was secretly thinking OMG… If I ever look like that, shoot me…

She then asks me, not the guy I was sitting with, if I thought she looked like she’d given birth 2 years ago, and I struggled to form the words she expected to hear… NOOOOO…. With all my will-power to tell her a lie. Inside I was thinking TWO YEARS!! You could have worked that out in 2 months if you wanted to, and it’s still there! EWWW…!

And she replies: “Oh it means so much more coming from a woman because men always lie!”

Yep. What else could I have possibly said?

But the moral of this story was

I remember staying with that comment for a while, wondering WHY WOULD ANYONE be interested in what another woman thought about their body shape or baby weight. Like why would that possibly make a difference to anyone? What POSSIBLE advantage does another woman’s good opinion of you give you, I wondered. It is so profoundly meaningless, it will never amount to anything.

Now I realize that most women are (subconsciously) bisexual, and they want other women to think they are sexy.

And, to be fair, men who value the opinion of other men more than the opinion of women, are, too. (Good on me, because I enjoy bisexual men as much as the stereotypical guy enjoys a lesbian. 😀 Nothing as beautiful as two naked men in a loving embrace…)

I don’t really care about women

I don’t really care about women. They flock to me like flies to shit, but I don’t give a damn. The reason why they do, is that I’m some kind of a pseudo-male to them because I think like a man to a large degree so they see me like some tempting almost a boyfriend thing. They haven’t really made sexual passes at me but I think they regard me safe or something, like a cross between a mother and a boyfriend… But I don’t really care.

I used to teach women a lot if they are willing to be taught, mainly because if I had to hang out with them, they’d better stop being so annoying to me. I tried to make them think more like men, so I’d tolerate their company more.

And mind you, I don’t hate women, I want them to be happy and find peace and all, but this wish is very impersonal, and nothing to do with their gender, I want EVERYONE to be happy, I just don’t want to be there personally to observe it… Perhaps short for a few VERY rare exceptions to that rule… And even them, from a distance. From that second row seat.

Straight as an arrow

I am so straight, I say, that I deep down I am inclined to believe lesbianism is simply a state of not being able to land oneself a boyfriend. I know that’s not what it is, at least not all of the time, but that’s how I feel. The only reason why a woman would spend time or have sex with a woman, I feel, could possibly be that no man wants them! 😀 I can only ever envision a lesbian scene for myself if it is to entertain a man or to compensate for the lack of a man… Just like the bi and lesbian girls complain men thinking about lesbianism. Those women exist who truly feel that way… (And also sexually willing females are seriously not a myth.)

So I accepted this about myself

I like men. I really, really like men. I like the sound of their voice, the way they joke around, the way they raise their children. Men are different, they are independent and fun, they have interests that are… Real, and I know that’s not the right thing to call it, it’s just that their natural interests are different to women. Women’s interests are just as real, just something men and masculine thinkers really do not understand.

Women think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t like women being close to you. They say you’ve got intimacy issues, when in fact, it could be turned around and say they have difficulty accepting, respecting, and maintaining personal boundaries. However, the constant expectation, not really pressure, but the unquestioned expectation of women to spend time with other women puts you into a different category if you simply don’t enjoy that.

Always with men when opportunity arises

No matter what the occasion, if I get a natural excuse to spend time with men, I’ll take it. I’m always the girl hanging out with the men at the shed when the women are gathered in the kitchen or the living room at a party. I will simply naturally gravitate towards the group of men if there is one guy in there I can use as the doorway. I only ever spend time with women when I haven’t got an option to spend that time with men.

So often I wind up in weird situations with a bunch of men, such as scooting to allyways hunting virtual portals with a bunch of nerds at 10 pm at night. (An undying comment from a guy looking much like Sheldon dressed in a shirt with Pi printed on it: “10 nerds at a dark alleyway at 10 pm, what could possibly go wrong?”)

It goes against social expectations

Even when men would be curious about me, they’ll find it inappropriate to suggest friendship or hanging out or whatever, to a woman. It seems like a come on even when it isn’t, and it seems bizarre to want to hang out with a woman, so the fear of a sexual signal is always there. It’s also difficult to make a difference between a friend and a girlfriend. One almost needs a boyfriend just for the purpose of excusing oneself to hang out with men.

Come to think of it, I’ve never asked my boyfriend to join me and my girlfriends anywhere, but I’ve often hung out with my boyfriends’ friends.

So what I want to surround myself with men from now on?

It’s a weird thing, too, when I think about such a thing, I get an instant emotional outburst from my female spirit circles… “But it’s DANGEROUS!” They feel like they need to throw me a life ring or some other floating device to save myself with. And I do want to feel like I’m drowning in men, lovers, friends, whatever, I just want them everywhere. Some people love the idea of having so many children they will drown in them. I feel the same way about men – without meaning, of course, that I’d regard them as my children because I don’t. Maybe some people feel like they want a lot of friends around them, to me, those people simply are men… And that makes the female spirits around me nervous as hell.

This is an interesting thing because it feels like it’s blocking my Law of Attraction… And keeps the men I love at an arm’s length from me.

So the question is, is this about time 100% heterosexuals will rise to the barricades demanding rights to hang out with their PREFERRED GENDER friends?

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