Separation phase and unintended flirt by the Idealists* vs. The Survivalist*
In profound, deep love, there is often a phase in which the partners retreat into their own corners in order to make sense of it all and to make sure they don’t lose themselves in the process of falling in love. This phase looks and ends very differently depending on your thinker type, and also, a genuine breakup between two different types of thinkers may seem like simply a True Emotion Mirror separation phase.
A Survivalist* uses separation as a flirtation tool to readjust the parameters of the relationship: “I will come back if you do this.” This is why I have described the Ultimate Relationship type for the Survivalist* in a different category than a Idealists* Ultimate Relationship, which is formed on a very different basis, and if it is between the Survivalist* and a Idealists*, the relationship will always exist by the Idealists* thinking ideals; they will have to love the person for their inner core or the relationship won’t happen, the Survivalist* is able to love people even if they had no idea of who they are as personalities.
To the Survivalist*, the Separation Phase is not too serious, it is simply an interlude between partners, and will end, in time. However, to a Idealists*, the Separation is an intolerable insult toward their love, and quite final, should they resort to it. If the Survivalist* leaves you, it means nothing, because they don’t really believe in final breakups, but for a Idealists*, all breakups are serious and final, and they feel very strongly about keeping them so.
Relationship ideals to the Survivalist* and a Idealists* are very different, and a Idealists* goes into a True Emotion Mirror separation BEFORE the relationship has really even begun, because they will never part once they get ALL IN, but the Survivalist* can go back and forth a million times in order to readjust the details like making a fitting for a custom made dress or suit: “We will find a way to live together in peace and harmony by fighting our way into it. If it doesn’t work, we’ll take it off, make alterations and try again until it works.”
Clearly, in order to work, both partners will have to be thinking along the same lines, or the suit is running away from the fitting room not wanting to be altered… A Survivalist* sees relationships as an endless fitting session, a Idealists* is a suit that is looking for the perfect human to fit inside it, but never wants to try and change the person – that would be cruel! (Cinderella’s shoe; the Survivalist* would do as the sisters, “I will cut my toe off to fit into the shoe”, because they’d do anything for someone they love, but even if they would successfully do it, a Idealists* thinking prince would only ever see bleeding, disjointed feet not a perfect match, and would go on forever to find the girl who fit the shoe naturally.)
Reasons for the Survivalist* to ignite the Separation Phase
When the Survivalist* is unhappy with their partner, they will drop hints that they are unhappy. they will first attempt a discussion to have them change their ways – and also ask their partner for instructions on how they could change in order to be a better partner for them. A part of the Survivalist* thinking ideal is to fight for who will get to decide what, and they will go into a fierce negotiation about what they want out of a partner, what they wish to compromise on and what they do not wish to compromise on.
(True Emotion Mirrors, which are the Idealists* pairings, will never compromise on anything, ideally, and expects NO compromise from their ideal partner, too.) When the Survivalist* find something that they are not willing to compromise on, they will make a point about their will being unbendable, by breaking up with their partner. This does not mean a final breakup to them, it simply means “I need you to change, and once you’ve changed, we’ll get back together again.” For a Idealists*, such suggestion simply means: “I don’t love you the way you are and I am breaking up with you” and to them, it is a NO BRAINER that they will not change as requested. Someone who would love them for who they are would never EVER ask them to change for them. To a Idealists*, this is the end of the relationship and they no longer feel loved by their ex-partner – the separation is easy to accept and final. A Survivalist* would possibly give in on “the Idealists*’s requirements” and attempt to resume the relationship by agreeing to change for them, but the Idealists* feels insulted by the mere suggestion that they would be a tyrannical asshole who would even suggest such a thing, also they will lose their respect for a person who would change themselves for ANYONE’s sake, even if that someone is themselves. They will, from now on, see this person as fake and weak, and authenticity is one of their core values, and someone to change who they are simply to be loved is not authentic to them. (An Idealist* is not afraid of not being loved, so they don’t change who they are in order to be loved, they will find another person who will love them for who they are – the only thing they worry about is that they will never find someone who they would love the way that they are. And because this is the way they think, and because they know finding people like this is very rare, if they find someone perfectly suited for them, they do not respect marriages between people who are less compatible than they would be, be the marriage their own or their ideal partners, but will respect the person’s choice of staying married, should that be their choice.)
A Survivalist*, thus, expects the separation to be a flirtation between themselves and their partner (or even a friend). They break up for a power game: The one who ends the separation first will be the loser and the one who has to make accommodations in order to keep the relationship going. This, to a Idealists*, sounds revolting and immature, but, when we think about it from the point of view of mutual flirtatious, friendly game, we can appreciate it as the way some people like to do it. The way out: “I don’t play your type of games, I like things easier than this. I am not up to your games.” etc. A Survivalist* is a player in relationships, but, incredibly, is the first one to accuse a Idealists* for being a player. A Survivalist* never thinks anything from A to B to C, but they always think there’s an angle, and that following A comes C…. Or D. Or F, it’s anyone’s guess, really. Therefore, when they cannot make sense out of a Idealists* and their (very clean) breakup, they will tie themselves into a knot trying to figure out what his or her game is about, when the Idealists* still doesn’t take them back when his or her “demands” (that he didn’t even realize making) have been met and accepted.
To a Idealists* “We are simply not compatible” means: “I respect the way you are and think, but I think differently, therefore the relationship is over.” To the Survivalist* “We are simply not compatible” means: “We need to figure out which one of us will have to change, because I like you a lot but just not enough to see this working in the long run without some adjustments.”
The more fiercely a Idealists* will drive home the message that the relationship is over, the more the Survivalist* will wreck their minds over what it is that he/she wants, when, truly, the Idealists* simply means the relationship is over and there is nothing to bring it back again. Read about how to break up with a different type of a thinker. One thing that causes the Survivalist* latch onto a Idealists*, is the Idealists* endless respect for other people. Instead of telling someone to fuck off straight away, they will first ask them to leave, which, to the Survivalist* is a clear invitation to a flirt. An Idealist* should simply look at the Survivalist* like they were made of shit without even talking to them in order for the Survivalist* to realize they are not wanted, but a Idealists* would never disrespect any living creature like that, no matter what they thought of them, therefore, the Idealists*’s friendliness is often mistaken for friendship and their rejection as an invitation to flirt by the Survivalist*. The Survivalist* cannot be asked to leave a group of people or a relationship that is still forming, they need to be blatantly ignored like they weren’t even there. Forgotten about, behavior that, to a Idealists*, feels absolutely too rude to execute. The Survivalist* expect you to turn to a conversation with someone else, while still allowing them to remain in your company, and then, gradually, allow the contact to taper off. Any abrupt endings to a conversation to the Survivalist* means “talk to you later, I will get back to you, or I invite you to a game of cat and mouse”. The desired effect is certainly not missed by a Idealists*, either, but they would feel completely and utterly disrespected and treated like shit should this be done to them. They expect a friendly, civil, platonic relationship or friendship to be able to continue without it meaning that we’ll marry next spring. A Survivalist* only sees friends and strangers, and all friends need to be “bedded”, as in made intimate friends out of, “intimate” meaning just a penetration short of fully sexual. It works for a while, for the Survivalist* to remain as ‘friends only’, but should the Idealists* want the relationship to end due to the Survivalist* getting too close as a result of being accepted into acquaintance level, the Survivalist* doesn’t take rejection too well; to them, it’s flirt.
(Have you noticed how some people always end chats with a clear: “I’m going now” or “Talk to you later” message, while some simply forget you were having a conversation at all? the Idealists* find it incredible, at first, at least, to find the person they were conversing with gone, while the Survivalist* feel that “I’m going now” is unneeded drawing of attention to their leaving, as if they were waving a flag: “I am going now, for I am important” or “I am going now to make you miss me, please chase me!” An Idealist* wants the other person to tell them they are leaving because they actually DO find EVERYONE worthy of hanging around for long enough for the conversation to be finished, and find leaving it without noting it utterly rude… But have probably learned by now that people get distracted and it is nothing personal.)
Ending the separation phase with the Survivalist*
the Idealists* don’t end separation phases because they will never alter themselves for a relationship unless there is a child involved whose needs outweigh the needs of the parent. (This is why the baby trap works.) the Idealists* need to learn how to end the partnership with the Survivalist*, but this is what the Survivalist* expects to happen: You have opposing opinions on something. The Survivalist* expects one of you to make changes, or negotiate a way for everyone to get their way. Getting back together is a matter of negotiation, and this negotiation can be a happy bargaining of needs and wants that will simply make the future more exciting for both of them. If the person is worth it, the Idealists* may enter a banter, now that he or she knows what it is that the Survivalist* means by their odd behavior. If the love is strong, and the argument more of a misunderstanding than a true request of a personality change, the Idealists* may feel relieved to know that this is only a matter of negotiation, but in some cases, he or she maybe completely tired and disinterested in saving the relationship; will be up to them to decide whether or not it is worth the effort. (Please read the previous post to make sure you haven’t missed the breakup talk entirely.)
The question: What are you going to give them or do for them?
Pay attention to this: the Idealists*: “I’d do/give anything for you to leave me alone!” the Survivalist*: “I would do/give anything for you to be with me!” (The breakup behavior of a Idealists* is the Survivalist* flirt.)
Remember: to the Survivalist* argument is a sign of passion and interest, therefore, if you want to keep them, don’t worry about arguing with them. To a Idealists*, an argument is easily a sign of disrespect, so don’t argue with a Idealists* if you want to have them trust your intentions. And if you do, make sure they know you are playing and that this is a cat and mouse -game.
Reasons for a Idealists* to ignite the Separation Phase
the Idealists* go into a separation phase with a full intent to end the relationship, or to stop themselves from ruining every last bit of it. An Idealist* is terribly afraid of saying or doing something that will do irreversible damage, and one of the best ways to do that is to not say anything at all until they understand what is going on. Even the Idealists* who use the Survivalist* bonding mode, fighting and bartering as their bonding method through learning process with women, they will quickly stop what they are doing before they have gone too far, if the person they love doesn’t engage into the flirt-fight. In the case of the Survivalist*-the Idealists* -mismatch, the Survivalist* may completely miss the cues to stop the fight, and the Idealists* will end the relationship after losing all respect for the Survivalist* and (usually) her brutal ways and inconsideration for his heart.
For a Idealists*, the separation is far more serious than for the Survivalist*, especially if this is a Thinker type mismatch. Two the Idealists* in separation probably haven’t done terrible damage to each others emotions, and they will merely retreat until they can figure out a way to fix the relationship. They see their relationship as being bewildering; “I don’t know WHY he or she doesn’t react the way I expected, but I know he/she loves me – I have to retreat and wait for them to snap out of their illusion that we are not a couple.” The Idealists* retreat is much more calm than that of the Survivalist*, to whom the separation is full of angst, distress, and wild emotions, while the Idealists* simply waits in the knowledge that things will be sorted out – even if they logically decide to forget about it and move on like a real grown up.
The Idealists* disappears without a word in order to think what to say next – saying nothing at all is safer for the continuation of the relationship than saying the exact wrong thing that will ruin it all.
How to end the separation phase with a Idealists*
Mind you, it is possible for you to be in a separation phase with a Idealists* even if you are currently “happily” married. Usually, ending the separation phase with a Idealists* is as easy as starting to talk to them. If there is love there, they will pick up the conversation, unless they are completely lost for words, in which case they may be expecting a good heart-to-heart. When making a connection, the last thing a Idealists* wants is for you to be playing with their emotions, unless you make sure they know it is a game and intended to be fun. Make sure your facial expressions signal your intentions, without them, they will be at loss with you and will do nothing but get insulted by your idea of a sense of humor. Remember that the way the Idealists* are, they let anyone closer than what the Survivalist* will, but to make the distance, you will have to make sure you are in the clear of making fun of them or toying with their emotions, because that requires an added few miles to your rapport with them. They like to know you love them, truly, and the love must come with no strings attached and with no expectations of you loving them automatically resorting to a relationship, although, some the Idealists* do take this respect thinking to dramatics and often fail to make the connection to each other because they respect each other’s freedom so much – that is why many the Idealists* wind up in unhappy relationships with the Survivalist* who are not afraid to chase them.
the Idealists* DO go into a battle of wits and to-and-fro, too, while they are getting together, but a lot of the times the Survivalist* overstep the mark on when it is appropriate to do that. The Idealists* keep relationships cool for a long time, with no intention of making them anything more than that, while, at the same time, talking about anything and everything under the sun with NO hesitation to share private information or personal details. They will also exchange Christmas gifts if the other person initiates it out of sheer politeness, but should avoid doing so with people they are not truly wishing to make close friends – the Survivalist* take these kind of things very seriously, while the Idealists* expect no such gestures from even their nearest and dearest. (Buying gifts for the Idealists* does require a new post in itself, for it’s fraud with danger!)
For a Idealists*, it is important that you think of them, still, if they are in love with you. Remember that to a Idealists*, separation is MUCH easier than for the Survivalist*, and getting together is a lifelong commitment. They do not make true friends or partners lightly, and here’s the kicker: Being married to a Idealists* is no guarantee that they have actually made a true commitment to you yet. (the Idealists* also need to make a commitment to their parents, siblings, and other relatives, it doesn’t come automatically simply because you’re family.) A Survivalist* will drop their guard after married or if you’re family, but a Idealists* is still reserved, and is not sure if you will be respectful to their authentic being and their inner core, and if they do not trust you to be absolutely respectful of it, they will keep it hidden from you, even if they talk about it openly. All you will be given access to is information of the core, but you will not be given access TO the core until they know you understand, respect, and love that core, authentically, truly, and without force or trying.
To a Idealists*, a heart bond is absolutely vital in order to consider you any kind of a friend. If they do not trust you with their inner core, you mean essentially nothing to them, so much so that they don’t care what you think about them cognitively, but they will not allow you inside their hearts if they don’t trust and love you through and through. (They may learn to let you in despite their fear of it, but they will never love you fully unless you are exactly the kind of a person that they love fully.) the Idealists* have scaringly high standards for their closest friends, so high, that they are always afraid of not being accepted by others, either. (Do onto others as you’d do to yourself.) Also, they are not even interested in your acceptance if they know it is easy to get, if they don’t love you fully on their side, and if they do, nothing will change their minds about it, not your rejection, not your behavior, not the way you treat them – you can’t give them the moon and make them love you more for it if they don’t love you when you don’t even know they exist. They are completely unswayable for their feelings, they either love you or they don’t, so they do not expect major displays of affection or big gestures, they are not impressed by public displays of affection or you humiliating yourself in front of them and their friends in order to prove your love to them (that would backfire sooo bad!!) and they do not necessarily doubt your love for them, they simply might not care for it.
This is the profound difference in the Survivalist* / the Idealists* love ideal. The Survivalist* love you for the things that you do for them, or the things that they expect you would do for them or the things they think you COULD do for them if you were in love. (You could make me rich if we were in love!) Therefore, the Survivalist* will always try to buy love. The Idealists* love you for the way that you think, the way you are, the way you express yourself, for the feelings that you feel about stuff that they care about, your ideals, your emotional space, and they care NOTHING about how you treat them if they love you, UNTIL they see you treating them with disrespect, and that will kill their hope of love returned and their desire for it, even if they didn’t change their minds about you otherwise. The Idealists* will turn cold quick, and often for reasons the Survivalist* have no capacity to understand. However, the Idealists* will ALWAYS know if they are truly loved, for they are very emotionally attuned to everyone, therefore they will forgive whatever they have to for someone who loves them and does stupid stuff as a reaction to that love, but they will never forgive disrespect from a person they sense is not doing it out of their uncontainable love for them.
To the Survivalist*, love is actions and deeds, to a Idealists*, love is emotions and feelings. To the Survivalist*, love is what you do for others, to a Idealists*, it is how you react to others.
It is possible for a Idealists* to truly love the Survivalist*, but the Survivalist* cannot return that love the way the Idealists* needs them to without awakening to the Idealists* thinking patterns. The Idealists* cannot learn to love a person for their deeds – appreciate, yes, but not love – but the Survivalist* can awaken to the Idealists* thinking ways. The Idealists*, can, however, learn to appreciate the Survivalist* flirtation, as long as their core values are not threatened in the process. That is the difference; To let a Idealists* know you love them, you have to SHOW TO THEM that you fully, truly, thoroughly know how they think and feel about stuff and love them for it, you have to convince them that you do know them and love them, truly before you even attempt to get close to them. “I sense you, and I love you for it.” To the Survivalist*, they don’t think you can know someone until you’ve been friends for a long while, and they don’t believe in the Idealists* ability to just look someone in the eye and know who they are. To the Survivalist*, such notion is an insult, they need to prove themselves by their actions and deeds, not through a soul connection. To a Idealists*, the notion that someone would know them by their actions and deeds rather than looking into their souls is just as much an insult as the reverse, if not more.
An Idealist* female is probably easier to convince that you love her because she is more used to the Idealists* males and their way of dealing with things, her trust in the opposite gender, due to the Idealists* thinking being the more common one among men, has not disappeared yet. She knows men love her because she feels it every day, she also knows it is scary for the right men to approach her, and when they do, she will instantly melt for them (unless she has closed her heart from everyone but one man according to monogamous rules). Male the Idealists* have a lot of trouble trusting a woman to be able to love them the way they wish they would be loved, because most women are the Survivalist*, who expect action to prove the man’s love for them: “Buy my love and I am yours.” When a Idealists* thinking woman doesn’t react to these payments and offers the way other women do, the Male the Idealists* will assume they have been rejected, because that is the way they’ve learned to react to women. The only thing a Idealists* thinking woman needs to hear from a Idealists* thinking man is that he loves her, simple as that. She doesn’t need him to have a job, a car, or money, all of those things to her, are meaningless – a nice thing to have, but nothing to sway her feelings, what she needs is to feel the love of the man she loves, for her reaction to him, not for what she suspect he could do for her. My own True Emotion Mirror (the Idealists* who has learned that women are the Survivalist*) gasped in frustration: “There’s not a man rich enough for that woman!” because no financial offering would sway my love one way or the other. I don’t know which past life has given him this idea, but it sits deep. Probably I was simply waiting for the love confession but all I received was gold and silver. An empty-handed man with true love for me would have won me over any man who attempted to buy me with gold – a Idealists* way of thinking.
An Idealist* thinking woman needs no offers, no grand gestures, not even poems – that are often very pretentious but at least have a chance of working if they’re true – what she needs is to know the love is real and it is for who she is (body, mind, soul, all included, INCLUUUUDIING the body!) not what she can do for you or how she will affect his finances or political situation or how many children she will produce for him. My the Survivalist* thinking mother once told me, with good intentions: “No man will ever want to marry you if you don’t learn to cook and clean if you don’t even want to have children with them!” She truly thought that was the way men think! “There’s other things,” I replied to her, immediately realizing that the only other thing on top of that she could think of was sex, but didn’t bother explaining what I meant.
Swaying a Idealists* thinking male… Wow. Their mistrust toward women is deeply seated, and the way they’ve learned to flirt comes from the Survivalist* thinking females, so the Idealists* thinking woman has her work cut out for her trying to get this guy to trust her. She might mimic the behavior of the Survivalist* thinking woman just to give him a clue that she wants him, but with the danger that she might prove to him to be just like the other women and turn him off. After over 4 years of intensive Psychic Conversations with everyone I’ve have ever known, has not yet tweaked me to how to prove to a Idealists* thinking male that I love them without causing them to run and hide as a result. 😀 The trouble is that if he see you as being too good to be true, he feels themselves to be a fool or you to be a manipulator. Without being in direct contact with them, this will be even more difficult still, and so many True Emotion Mirrors are in full separation, connected only through online mediums, if that, so to allow him to feel your heart the way he needs to is insufferably difficult. If he has already made up his mind that you are the Survivalist* thinking player (bitch) who simply thinks she can snap her fingers to get what she wants, to convince him otherwise is not easy. Try not to take it personally that he sees you potentially as a gold digger (even if he didn’t have money, he suspects you will use your charms in order to make him your slave because why else would a woman want him) or that you have simply lost hope of having someone richer and he’s the desperado that you have now decided to settle on. He will also be very wary of trusting his instincts about you because he has already been burned too many times and have trouble trusting women and their intentions. Also, they have MASSIVE trouble trusting their own feelings, because they have been told, over and over, that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love in a more “mature” manner. In reality, the Idealists*S “fall in love with their eyes” as in, they fall in love at first sight, by their instinct of the other person, not because they are swooned by their looks! They are quick to label their feelings as nothing more than common lust, and, quite frankly, the Idealists* women may do the same thing. Lust is a good indication of true connection, however, so, from now on, regard it as nature’s way to guide you to your own kind – if it is not love at first sight, it is knowledge of potential at first sight. (Looks matter; if you love beautiful people, they should love you for loving physical beauty if they are your true partner, they should have the same appreciation for physical beauty as you do.)
The main problem that you are facing is his lack of trust of women and his suspicion that all women are the Survivalist*. Try and prove him wrong… It will take time but is worth it.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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