Sexual shame: having allowed someone violate your values

All of you “I would never” thoughts about sex are a red flag to a sexual predator. That instantly makes me think, that even children who have been pre-conditioned, either in this lifetime by their parents, or in another lifetime by experience, that they would never a) trust a stranger or b) have sex while underage are HUGE red flags for sexual predators. “I would never have sex with anyone before marriage” is one of them, a major turn on for men and women who want to test their sexual allure and abilities by seducing people “who would never”. I, personally, have never thought about women in a sexual sense, until very recently when I realized a woman found me attractive, and I went into this: “Ewww, what noooo!” mode, “Girls are icky, don’t you know that?!” mode, and instantly collected a buch of predatorial lesbians around me, you know the ones who think turning people gay for them is the ultimate way to prove their own sexual prowess. Seducing a child is one form of it; to awaken the sexual desires of a child… what could be a higher accomplishment to that as far as sexuality goes?

I must say this came to me as a shitty realization that one of the men who I thought was my True Emotion Mirror, now with a huge question mark, he was a son of mine in many lifetimes. A major Oedipal complex, I thought. He loved seducing women and shaming them, and he was so good at it, that the women that he seduced fell in love with him, even through their shame they still loved him. His method: love you and leave you, because the shame is not a real shame if the man stays with you, but if he leaves you as soon as he has gotten his confirmation that you too are weak to his charms, you will sink into shame, right? Now, I was different. I never thought twice about it, sex with strangers was my thing. I had no issues with it, never have. I was not exactly a whore, I simply never believed in the idea that you had to go through some ritual (of any kind, religious or social) in order to have sex with someone, so when men left me, I felt no shame. One man got obsessed, however, and he found that the only way to shame me was to be born as my son and then seduce me once he grew up. That works. That works.

Now, I am not going to talk about him further in this post, but I must say that most likely his motivation isn’t quite as bleak as it first seems, he is a beautiful, loving individual, although I might think that deep down he is ashamed of his own sexuality and other vices and want to sort of self-expose and violate himself, too; “once people realize what I am, they will hate me because I am rotten” idea. As horrified as I am for his underlying motive, I find it difficult to hate him, but I will certainly never say I would never sleep with my son anymore. 😀 Removes a red flag. (I don’t have children in this lifetime, by choice, I think one of the reasons was to avoid being his mother again, considering.)

I must also tell you another kind of a story, when I honestly, truly felt ashamed of having had sex with someone in the first place. This was nothing that he did afterward or that I’d been blind sighted, no. In my early 20’s, I was at a dance club, talking to some mildly attractive guy. I wasn’t too into him, but he wasn’t bad, someone who I was happy to talk to while waiting for someone more interesting to walk in… Perhaps. All of the sudden, I felt completely light headed. My knees buckled from underneath me, like they weren’t even there. I don’t think I had been drugged because I don’t think I had had a drink yet, of anything, it was that early in the evening (and I never head out straight for the bar because I don’t drink alcohol). So whatever it was, I don’t think it was a drug. He was a complete gentleman about it. He went with me and my friend to the ER, paid for the cab if I’m not mistaken, waited for hours at the ER, in the middle of the night, when he had still precious hours to spend to get laid, for me to have a check up. My friend was there, so he could have easily left us to it and gone back for a hunt, but he stayed. There seemed not to be anything wrong with me (and it has never happened again) so we left, and he asked to spend the night at my place. A question I would have normally had no difficulty to say no to if I wasn’t that interested, but I had let him wait with us, and I realized I had led him on, so I felt obligated to sleep with him.

That is one of the two times I regret having slept with someone, I simply felt dirty about it. I allowed him to violate my own rule; never simply because he’s nice to you. I think that this is a lot like what many women feel like all the time with men… They measure the niceness of the guy and then make their decision of his “worthiness”. I normally don’t, I make up my mind in 3 seconds; yes or no. Then we’ll see if it happens or not. The second scale: “Will I love you forever and completely?” sometimes takes a little longer than that, and the question usually is, without me having realized it before: “Are you in love with someone else besides me?” If he isn’t sure, I am not sure about him, because I am a polyandrist and I will not force anyone into something like that. (Again, subconscious.) All men that I fall head over heels in love with do not have other women in their hearts. Once they do, I turn off, automatically… That is my current theory at least. Seems to be so.

So. The moral of this story: Toss out your morals. The less you expect of yourself in terms of morality, the less ashamed you’ll feel when you fail to live up to the morals, and the freeer you’ll be to enjoy life at it’s fullest. This doesn’t mean that you should give up on your standards if they are authentic, but to artificially raise your standards so that it makes you turn up your nose at someone is another “come hither” signal to the exact people you say you don’t want.

Now, make sure that you actually know when you want to have sex as opposed to when you think it is OK to have sex. If you follow a code given to you by your parents, and you still feel like shit every time you have sex, you KNOW you are going against your own authentic self with it. Your parents don’t always know better, and feeling shitty after sex is simply a reaction to very poor strategy of choosing partners. When you have sex with people because you genuinely wanted it, you will feel like million bucks, and that is regardless of what happens next; Unless you decide it means you’re a whore, of course… That is up to you to decide, but whatever you decide, live by the code. (Don’t make it impossible for yourself to do so. And also, think about people who live by a code that you wish you could but are too ashamed to? What do you think about these people? Do you think they’re sluts or do you admire them? Would you like people to think that way about you? Well, there you go.)

Cheers.

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