Showing off, self-confidence, and where’s the limit?

People always say the sexiest thing in this world is self-confidence, and I agree. That is unless you’re into downright flashy people like some of us, most of us even, are, whether we like to admit to it or not. We love people who are bravely themselves, proud of who they are, flashy and sparkly and shameless, unconcerned of how they may be perceived or judged if they do this or do that. Self-conscious people are the opposite; they are always fearful of being judged or sneered at, and they act accordingly; apologizing for their very existence rather than embracing life and the situation they find themselves in like flashy people do.

When I use the word “flashy”, I mean people like Steven Tyler or Matthew McConaughy, who walk into a room expecting nothing but love poured at them by the bucket load… Even though that’s not what they’d be thinking at that moment. Two completely different types of men, who both are adored, perhaps even by the same people for that absolute shamelessness, although… I don’t know about McConaughey, he seems indestructible, but Tyler breaks down when he’s around the people who he admires the most, then, even his self-confidence grumbles down, and… although that might not be sexy anymore, it’s at least lovable, knowing what an amazing guy that is, but I’m getting sidetracked.

There are people who I know are holding themselves back by both hands to stop themselves from showing off. Who hold modesty as their personal value, and who are trying HARD not to be caught of thinking too highly of themselves. In my mind, the instant two examples are Joe Perry and Nuno Bettencourt, both fantastic guitarists, who try to keep it low key and keep the show going at the same time. You might be one of those people, I don’t know – I know I’ve got my moments of “OMG I shouldn’t be too self-assured now…” I know I can walk into a room and turn heads and stop the traffic if I want to – still at 40 – but in other situations in life I lack that same flash that I should apply from this area of life to business and what not. Maybe you can “stop traffic” in business, but freeze when you should make someone’s heart pound for you..?

So… Where’s the limit? We ALL hate the people who are so busy tooting their own horn and telling everyone how f**** amazing they are to even notice others around them. We hate people who give themselves far more credit than what they deserve – even if we knew they are talented and good looking, but if they are so self-conceited that they can’t stop telling others how amazing they are, that’s when we all go “eewh, what an absolute tosser!” And don’t get me wrong, I know what it feels like when you want to scream at the top of your lungs that “Are you people f**** blind or what, can’t you SEE what’s right in front of you?!” and for a while, I, myself crossed the line when all I wanted was for people to give me a little credit when there was nobody around to give it to me, that I blurted out stuff that I still wish I could get back… Want to hear about the moment I realized I’m over the line?

I’m gonna tell you anyway. This was my strike number 3. I am glad I caught myself at 3, most people wouldn’t have. I had a relatively popular website at the time. People started to stop me in public to ask me if I was “the Sebastyne”. I was flattered and amazed at first, but FAR TOO SOON I started to think I deserved all that attention and my amazement turned into this snotty bitch… A guy at a night club dance floor tugged me at my sleeve and said: “Hey I know who you are, you’re SEBASTYNE!” I answered, to my own great horror: “You should know!” I HOPE I swallowed that fast enough for him not to really catch what I said, but at that moment I decided I had to get away from the girl I had made friends with, whose entitlement issues had started to spread… This wasn’t the person I wanted to be.

The good kind of flashy person feels: “I am happy being me, I love myself, I love my life, I love this place, I love you all, and I want you all feel GREAT about yourself, because I am going to put a smile on all of your faces, I am going to take this moment and make YOU feel like you were the king of the world!” That is called self-confidence. The ability to lift oneself so high above others, that you’ll suck others out of their misery and make them feel like a million bucks. It is to give others a moment of magic. Even if you were just to walk into a room like you owned it, it is to give others the chance to think… Wow. There IS a God! It is to make your joy catch others.

A self-confident person knows that “doing this” whatever it is, is cool, and being in this place, whatever place it is, is also damned cool. You know how if you browse dating websites, a ton of people start their profile with: “I don’t know why I’m here, it’s not like I’m desperate or anything…” but what they don’t realize is this: Everyone reading it are also there for a reason or another, and this person is implying THEY must be desperate and therefore the person in the profile considers themselves too good for this place. Hardly charming.

Another thing that a self-confident person does is give others enough space to stand tall. Imagine self-confidence is a pillar that holds up the roof, right? When everyone is feeling they shouldn’t stand taller than anyone else in the room, the roof lowers, lowers, and lowers until everyone is hunched uncomfortably underneath it. When someone starts pushing up onto their feet, others have more room to rise up, too – it’s like the rule was that you cannot stand above others, so everyone politely hunches down, but then others around them have to bend down a little more, and if there is a natural order of leadership, the lower the leader hunches, the lower their subjects need to hunch down to to maintain the natural order. A leader MUST stand the tallest to give others room to stand on THEIR feet.

The situation is no different in a sexual relationship. A man has to stand tall to give his girl enough room to stand next to him… It is really unsexy for a girl to be taller and stronger than her man is. If a girl truly wants a man to hunch down, it’s not likely she’ll be a very good lover, by the way. She’d be one of those girls who are afraid of men, and that’s not a good setting for a love relationship, but a confident man can teach a girl she’s judged men all wrong…

Self-confidence is always about thinking of others, never about yourself. It’s never about calculation, it’s about “what small thing can I do to make YOU feel great about yourself?” That is self-confidence because self-confident people don’t worry about what they are going to receive out of this interaction, they know they’ve got plenty to offer and plenty of people to ask for it and to give it in return…. They shine. Their smiles are not under a lock and key, their compliments are not rationed, they shoot nice things at others at all times, because that’s the way they roll. They don’t fear rejection, they simply say: “Oh I like you. I like your smile. I love that thing you’re wearing. Aren’t you a sexy thing…” They kiss a thousand girls and they hug a million guys, not to elevate themselves but to elevate the others…

And people can always tell the difference.

Eventually, at least.

The one thing I must say though… Out of personal experience. It is NOT A GOOD IDEA to give false compliments to people who you DO NOT authentically admire. It creates karmic soulmate bonds that are based on a lie – and YOU will be the one set in a trap, not them, but they’ll hurt when you decide to break free and have to come clean about your compliments… “They weren’t true”.

Do not lie, but also, do not spare your praise when you truly feel it… No matter who you feel it for, higher or lower. Even the people who are ahead of you, who you think are MORE than what you are, and don’t need to hear another compliment… They do. They probably need to hear it more than anyone else, because it is rare for people to be self-confident enough to give compliments to those who are better than them.

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