Someone picking a fight? Do you get hate-comments online or in person?

What the Young Soul* want when they pick a fight is to gain attention to their own problems and inadequacies. They want someone they admire to go: “Well, look who is talking, it’s not like you know the first thing about doing makeup/working out/healthy eating/philosophy/love….” They assume that if YOU NOTICE that they don’t know their stuff themselves, you’ll help them figure it out.

In addition, they think that starting a conversation is the exact same thing as starting a fight. Showing off in any way—dancing, modeling… turning up is starting a fight. Putting anything online, saying something to your mom, to a person like this means one thing, and one thing only: You are picking a fight because you need attention to your problems. And, if you want to talk about your problems, obviously that makes you an attention-seeker.

Once you’ve been bullied and traumatized into silence, they assume you’re fine now.

So when you stop talking altogether, they assume you are fine now… Or, you know, picking a fight by ignoring them. In truth, you may have learned that not talking is the only way to avoid fighting.

You may also be used to get attention; if someone picks a fight with you (because they perceive you as a fight picker for talking at all), they may rile you up for an argument because you just want to keep talking about stuff that matters instead of defending some small, meaningless detail, they can then start crying a wolf about how you’re mean to them. It’s… Infuriating, I know, but better the devil you know…

They may have difficulty starting a conversation about their feelings and problems, so they try to rile people up to draw attention to their issues. It’s a face-saving strategy: “It’s not like my problems are so big that I would have noticed them myself…!”

Give them pity and public compassion to send them on their way.

There is a way you might get rid of them fast. This is a little cruel in some cases when the likelihood that they have absolutely nobody to turn to exists. However, tell people who care about them to give them attention because that’s as much care as you can give to them yourself. Take a sympathetic “defender” tone of voice and point out they need a real friend. Blame everyone else around them for not caring enough of them so they’ll need to seek attention and help from complete strangers on the Internet. That should deter any comments from new such people, too. In real life this might work if you know the people who are “supposed to care.”

Give them real solutions: “if you don’t have anyone to talk to, please go seek professional help. Legally, I cannot act as a personal counsel to someone who really needs help, because I don’t have that kind of training.”

In general, addressing them with a sympathetic, a little pitying tone of voice is an effective strategy for turning them off from bugging you. They don’t want pity, but it’s a very good thing to give them. They take you for their equal if you engage in a fight with them – to them, that’s respect. A pitying tone is thus better to make them think twice about seeking attention from you.

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