Sometimes, Savants* are terrified of rejection, utterly romantic, and very keen to form a relationship…

Savants*, men especially, often display the Avoidant Attachment Style, or disorder as it’s sometimes named. This is a reaction to the way people react to them, sometimes their parents and even a person with a Secure Attachment Style may show symptoms of the Avoidant Attachment Style. These are terms from the Attachment Theory, which is not my personal work, and I feel it’s a little incomplete and needs a tweak here or there, but is very worth checking out. It has clarified some things to me, which is rare to say the least.

You don’t need to know these terms to follow the rest of the post, but if you are familiar with the Attachment Theory, you maybe able to stitch it with the following:

The Full 10 trauma.

When a person is highly pursued in relationships, they may notice that everyone wants them, but that doesn’t mean everybody is in love with them. They know they’re everyone’s 9.8, and they’re just itching to get some personal improvements in to make them THEIR personal Full 10.

They know from personal experience, that if you show a lot of attention to someone, and pursue them strongly enough, you can make a “not really attracted to you” to “OK, let’s give it a shot even though I’m still not attracted to you.” They certainly know that THEY can coax ANYONE in a relationship with them and that if they pursue someone slightly off, THEY may not be all that keen on letting them go once they realize “Oops, sorry, I don’t like you that much after all.” Therefore, they’re very cautious about pursuing a relationship when they are not certain about their own or the other person’s feelings toward them, and who would be, you’ve never been in a relationship with them before!

Mr/Mrs. Right is so close to Mr/Mrs. Almost Right.

In addition to that, they notice that they themselves reject people based on very small differences between “perfect for me” and “not perfect for me.” They realize that rejection and compatibility is VERY SUBJECTIVE and that their rejection of others doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that person, but that they simply believe they could find someone more compatible, someone with more of the same interests as they do, and sexual desires that match better, to name a few common ones. This is why they don’t take rejection as an insult, but accept it without argument.

They also try to let people down gently; using excuses, ghosting, and dodging and weaving, which means they will read this into other people’s behavior: “They’re trying to reject me but are too nice to say.”

Everyone can react a little weirdly when they (are in danger of) fall(ing) in love.

Sometimes, when we feel safe with someone, we say things that we wouldn’t normally say quite that soon. We may act too eager or too presumptuous in many ways, and act way too eager without realizing… Or even fully knowing we do, but feeling it would be safe to.

Now, IF you are interested in a relationship with someone who you think acts this way, the important bit is to avoid acting in ANY WAY rejecting or accusatory without realizing it. You have to go through everything you’ve said to them and fix things if you’ve said anything that could be interpreted as “you’re a liar”, “you’re untrustworthy”, “you’re asking too much”, “you’re naive”, “you’re incompetent”, “you’re too poor”, “you’re not pretty/handsome enough”, “you’re sexually insufficient”, “you’re full of yourself thinking I’d love you,” or “you’re moving too fast.” The fact you don’t think they are any of those things doesn’t mean you haven’t said anything that could be interpreted that way.

The last one is a very common fear in people. “Oh, I’ve said too much. I move too fast.” Sometimes, we genuinely do.

On the other hand, one common thing we say without realizing it is to complain to someone about not being there when they said they would be. To us, it sounds like “I want you to be there” right? A loving statement, but to a person who fears being rejected for something they’ve done wrong, it sounds like “You can’t be trusted” or “You’re always failing me” without the positive connotation of “I wanted you to be around. I like it when you’re around.”

Do not accidentally reject rejection-phobic people who you love if you can help it.

Be very careful not to reject people who are rejection-phobic. Not even in a situation where you genuinely cannot make it to a date they suggested. Now, I am not saying you have to quit your job to always be available, I’m saying express your wish to be there but also that you can’t because you’re working or you have prior arrangements with someone else. Then, always express wish to do something else, and offer a time slot that you are available before your rejection-phobic hopeful goes into a tail-spin of self-doubt when you leave them to their own thoughts.

Rejection phobia maybe a reaction to being constantly played hard-to-get at.

One of the cruelest tricks in love is playing hard-to-get. It is targeted at narcissistic people who get excited at the thought of having met someone who is at a higher level than they are and thus presents an opportunity to boost their status.

However, hard-to-get games not only not work on a normal person but they sure can destroy the self-confidence of a normal person. When the constant message is: “You’re not as shit hot as you think you are,” and people seem to go back on their word a lot and act like they’re not wanted, a normal person will gradually believe they are not wanted and decide to live with that fact. They become recluses and avoid people or give up on budding but stuck relationships easily, and hope to find someone who thinks they are good enough for.

A normal reaction to falling in love is to want constant contact. When that doesn’t happen, a normal person feels they’ve been rejected. And MOST OF THE TIME we all play hard-to-get or at least somewhat unavailable a lot, just because we’ve been told to. We HAVE TO stop doing that.

Subscribe to get a Daily Message