Stages of an undefined (possibly True) strong soulmate relationships
The following stages can pass fast for some people, they vary in strength regardless of it being a sign of the love felt one or both ways, but it is more a measure of one’s level of self-confidence and soul age; the more times a person has gone through this in previous lifetimes, the more instinctive trust they have with “it’ll pass and will sort itself out”. I could compare this to an animal who is giving birth for the first time compared to the third or fifth time. The first time they’re anxious and fearful and need a lot of support (if possible) but after having done it a few times, they gain self-confidence and know what to expect.
The more times the couple has experienced this together, the better they know their way around each other and eventually, they can skip the drama entirely and go from meeting to a surrender, permission, and completion in one afternoon. Many have even done this in previous lifetimes and KNOW this is how it SHOULD HAVE gone, but then, a small ripple in the pattern can throw them again in a tailspin to desperation and fears.
Having said that, it may seem that the thrill of these relationships is in the chase, but no. This is the bullshit. The good stuff is once you figure out WHY you need each other as bad as you do.
A rough guide to a strong feeling -soulmate relationship of various types
(The actual categorizing of any strong soulmate relationship becomes clear along the way.)
Meeting: Enthrallment, love at first sight, ignition, amazement, recognition, instant bonding.
15 minutes later (Too good to be true): Logical mind takes over, starts talking you out of what you just felt. Backpedalling.
Recovery: Some testing of waters, curiosity, mapping the ground so to speak, figuring out what this person is, probably some romantic gestures and perhaps “saying too much” in terms of promises etc.
Miscommunication: Most likely some form of miscommunication ignites the denial phase, as one is riding at the very edges of one’s own self-confidence with the strong soulmate, every word they say is potentially lethal to the self-confidence and trust.
Embarrassment: Feeling embarrassed by some interaction with the strong soulmate, they said some things that they interpreted in the worst way possible and now they are freaking mortified.
Anger at oneself: Anger at oneself and one’s gullibility and soft-heartedness, how easily one is talked into falling in love with a pretty/handsome stranger. (Pretty/handsome is very subjective, btw.)
Trial and Testing: This phase may be skipped, but in case there’s just the right amount of distance, and the relationship has progressed this far, possibly under the guise of a platonic friendship, there’s going to be a testing phase. One or both partners will screw each other over and see if they will be forgiven. In some cases, the other partner (subconsciously?) arranges a situation in which it is nearly impossible for the other one to not “screw them over” so they can then “forgive them” for their “wrongdoing”.
Unfortunately, there are people who fool themselves into believing they’ve been forgiven when in fact they’ve been ignored or forgiven under a philosophical (religious) principle rather than out of true love. In this case, we’re talking about an Enigma relationship, if the forgiveness is real this is either a Faux Precious Soulmate or a True Emotion Mirror go ahead. (Care for a personal story?)
Tearing down: Struggling with their own insecurities, the other may start tearing the other down, attacking their self-confidence with everything they’ve got. Some True Emotion Mirrors are like heat targeted missiles for their partner’s fears and insecurities. (Be sure to make a differentiation between are they attacking the other person’s false ego or the true one, or if they are even attacking their own false idea of the other person, ie. “all pretty girls are users and after a blokes’ money”, even if this wasn’t true in this case.)
This is more of a self-assurance, “they’re no better than I am, they are not that amazing, I measure up… I need them to see they are NOT TOO GOOD FOR ME”. They fear THEY are not enough, so they tear down the other instead of trying to gain self-confidence in themselves.
Both partners can get stuck in this phase denying the value of the other person: “No YOU are the lucky one.” (Not to be confused with the possibility in which one of them actually means to say they are too good for the other, in which case this is an Enigma relationship.)
Denial: Strongly insisting what you first felt is not real. Fear for one’s sanity, embarrassment over having “lost one’s head”.
Pushing them away: As a result of anger at oneself and denial, pushes the strong soulmate away in one’s bid to repair the damage of having let them believe there is a chance of love. “Taking it all back.”
Morbid fear and defense: “You have a power over me that I don’t understand or want;” attack to destroy the source of a threat. May want to dominate or to over-power, take things under one’s own control.
Alternatively
An adjustment of expectations: There is also a possibility that this is NOT a True Emotion Mirror bond, and the other person wants to show you a suitable position in their life, something that they are ready for, but the other person might want more. Adjustment. (Near True Emotion Mirror, possibly a Precious Soulmate*; “stay, but take a second seat. I’ll love someone else more.”)
Alternatively
Request for a timeout (give me some space, “back off”): One person may be too sure of what they want out of this relationship and push the other person too strong in that direction, removing their ability to choose for themselves. The other person may not be too sure of what they want, and they attack the other person to push them further away so that they can get to know them without all the pressure of an expected relationship outcome. (Guns n’ Roses’ Back off Bitch is his account of the story.) (An Undecided or a Growing State True Emotion Mirror.)
This may not be too clear to them what they want, and they definitely may not express this too well, as this might be a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to being pushed too far into a corner, but backing off and giving them time to adjust is a smart move. If the other person fails to give the other space, the relationship will most likely never get back on track but it will be permanently destroyed. (Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball is a song about this particular mistake made…) (Butchered Emotion Mirror)
Alternatively, the other partner backs off too far and the relationship goes into a muted phase, in which they no longer talk to each other for a while, if ever. (Dido’s White Flag, combined with the need to protect oneself from further heartache would be about this one.) (Interrupted or Muted True Emotion Mirror)
Alternatively
A real rejection: This may also be a real rejection of a potential True Emotion Mirror who is, for instance, of an incompatible sexual orientation requiring an adjustment to the other person’s idea of self (ego) which they are not willing to make. (Near Emotion Mirror, Precious Soulmate*, potentially winding up being a Butchered Emotion Mirror.)
Going back and forth between denial, fear, and curiosity.
Assuming the other partner has been given enough space to feel their own emotions and make up their own (damned) mind:
Acceptance, surrender: Realization that you are permanently in love and there is no way out of that feeling. Surrendering. (True Emotion Mirror or a Precious Soulmate*)
If the relationship isn’t starting here, possibly due to giving the other person TOO MUCH space, the stages continue but can be interrupted by the strong soulmate at any time to start the relationship or continue building it. The strong soulmate may also emotionally hold onto you, as they often do, and NOT let you move on because they still haven’t let go and they are still in love with you. You can FEEL their hold on you even if you hadn’t met in years, and you can trust it.
You will FEEL THEM LEAVING when they do… And that will free you to look elsewhere, but DO NOT think that this is a favor you’d do for your True Emotion Mirror if you did this, the other, lower bonds can be considered a favor to let go of, but never the True Emotion Mirror, never that one, because their happiness depends on you. (It takes a lot of reassurance for a True EMotion Mirror to trust that they are, indeed, the key to their counterpart’s happiness.)
The Only One
Denial of others: Insistance there is no one else in this world for you. Even the naturally polygamousORpolygynandrous people may go DEEP into the feeling that there are NO OTHERS like their True Emotion Mirror in this world and this stage is so strongly held cultures have been built upon this illusion. (Sinead O’Connor’s Nothing Compares To You…)
Despair: Things aren’t moving on, there is no logical reason to keep hoping for a different result, losing faith.
Forcing oneself to let go: Forcing oneself to accept realities and to move on. Possibly leads to marrying the first new person that comes along, giving up on the hope of ever experiencing true love and forcing oneself to settle for a normal relationship.
Acceptance of others: Acceptance of the possibility there are others. Rekindling of hope and faith in true love.
Falling in love again with another person – simultaneously letting go of the True Emotion Mirror (if monogamous or incompatibly polyamorous.)
Actually Together
It can take years if not decades for the couple to get to this point. Beating around the bush can take AGES. So once the couple is ready to accept the reality that they are, in fact, permanently in love despite all logic or reason, they will start… Hmmm. Negotiations.
Testing the waters: Are you in this with me? Who are you? How did this happen? What do you want? (Usually wordless questions.) Should we talk? (Even this can last years.)
Waiting for or giving a permission: Waiting, asking for, or giving a permission or taking the right to love and claim the other person. (Bryan Adams’ Please Forgive Me describes this stage, but also Bon Jovi’s Lay Your Hands On Me is about this, after a much less trying leadup to this stage.) Both men and women may believe it is the choice of the opposite gender to make up their minds about the relationship for the both of them, and if both of them are waiting for the other one to make decisions, this can, again, drag on for years.
Realization: We ARE together, you belong to me, or I belong to you. This is how it IS.
Some people, even within the same couple, can progress at a very different pace through this list. (I’ve spent 20 years in the waiting for a permission phase, while he’s still fuming anger and denial, but whatever. One keeps waiting. The dork will come around.)
The cure-all
The cure for all of these phases is giving the fearful partner strong, relentless, fearless reassurance. The trouble is, most of the time, you’re both scared and insecure. However, if one partner is strong in their love and in themselves, they CAN bypass this whole ordeal by giving the other all the reassurance they could possibly need and to build them up from where they are. It is not so much “I love you”, but “you are worthy of EVERYTHING”. Not “you are worthy of me” although that may come up, but “you are worth all the good things that are coming your way”. This must, however, be based on absolute TRUTH, not one word of lie can be used as reassurance here. It is likely that a lie or two may slip, but correct yourself as soon as you catch yourself, preferably immediately.
Build each other up. Mostly, people focus on tearing each other down to make them small enough for themselves, but the true trick of love is to make them know they are worthy.
Subscribe to get a Daily Message
*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
© 2001-2024 Copyright Sebastyne - CRC-32 ecd1f512. - All rights reserved.