Stuck in an argument?

Suppose you’re stuck in an argument with someone, and you feel like you’re not quite talking about the same thing or not really getting into the heart of the matter, here’s a clue:

A the Timeless is talking about their EMOTIONS. If they’ve already said everything there is about their emotions, they have nothing else to say and have no idea what more are you digging for.

the Modern is talking about something practical, status, and social positions, theirs or yours included. Appearances, security, and survival (and perhaps their feelings of being neglected and scared). They talk about money or something practical, and they imagine others are too.

the Timeless “understand” that the Modern has feelings and emotions… When they do not, really, give a damned about them.

the Modern “understands” that the Timeless has fears and insecurities, and their superior status in regards to everyone else isn’t being respected.

In both cases, there is no understanding (hence the quotation marks) but assumptions based on the idea that “when you point a finger at another person, there are 3 pointing back at you.” This is not understanding; it is projecting.

It’s never the practical stuff to a Timeless, nor the emotions for the Modern.

the Timeless are NEVER concerned about practical matters. To them, those things are a non-issue. There is nothing to waste time talking about, and it is definitely not worth arguing over. If you are arguing over the inheritance of a pot of gold, the Timeless is talking about the emotional value of the treasure, and the Modern is talking about the practical worth of it; can the gold be sold? If the Timeless argues it can’t be sold, the Modern believes the price isn’t high enough or that there’s literally no buyers for it, but the Timeless means that for an *emotional reason,* the pot of gold cannot be sold (because grandpa found it or something, because they love grandpa, this was his emotionally cherished treasure, and it’s important in historical value, as a family heirloom… It’s difficult to explain to the Modern what “emotional value” that has.)

To the Modern, emotions are nothing of worth. They’re just emotions. So they think everybody could save time arguing over something so intangible and unimportant as emotions. (Unless it’s fear of survival or loss of status.)

If your attention is on practical matters, sift to emotions and vice versa.

If you’re typically concerned about emotional matters, sift your attention to practical matters from their perspective. Fear of survival, fear of old age, fear of losing status. Usually, the Modern only argue when they are afraid. Old Soul* argue when someone distracts them from something important; It is emotional matters (love relationships or their harmless fun), the work that they are in love with. The Timeless wants you to go away and mind your own business when they are focused on something that is emotionally important to them. A the Modern will easily interpret this that they are scared of surviving in this field of business or their new relationship. These things will never even occur to a Timeless; why in heaven’s name would they be afraid of a relationship or their own chosen field of work?! If they are, they’ll say they are. You can always count on the Timeless to give a name to their emotions and to say exactly where they are emotional, whereas the Modern make you guess everything that is emotionally important to them.

Ironically, the Modern might think the Timeless wants really badly to do something for them. Something practical. Something that is quite likely the Timeless has never even once given a thought to. The Timeless should ask them what it is that they think they should let them do for them, so that they can explain why that has never even occurred to them. The way the Modern thinks is that everyone wants to be given their tasks in a group, to be accepted and an equal member of the group, everyone needs a task, a job. When the Timeless doesn’t have one, they assume the reason why the Timeless is angry is because nobody trusts them with a task. If the Timeless has called for treatment as an adult or an equal member to the group, they have been talking about their emotions, opinions, their freedom of choice as an adult, their turn to speak, or their sexual orientation needing respect, but the Modern thinks it’s about a missing respect as something practical to do for the group. (When the Timeless figures this out, expect them to explode because you’ve just created a massive waste of their time over NOTHING. They’ll come down fast because the last thing they need is more wasted time over nothing.)

the Modern do not reject people, but fear someone thinks they have.

the Modern never reject any bit of love or attention coming their way. They LOATHE people who reject love. They consider them narcissistic. The only way you can reject love is to say you already have a girlfriend or boyfriend wife, husband, but in any other sense, to reject the Modern is a move of a subhuman.

Now the irony is that the Modern don’t truly want sexual relationships. They want friendships, but they put a super high value on friends and family, a romantic partner is a mere accessory to impress the friends and family with.

With that background, if they think you think THEY have rejected you, they’ll need that sorted out. If you seem angry at them, they more than likely believe that you believe they think they’re too good for you – especially if you also accuse them of narcissism – which to them means “a person who feels they’re so superior they can afford to reject love.” Therefore, one way you need to sort this out with them, is to tell them if you have indeed rejected them, if you are narcissistic enough to think you can afford to reject an offer of friendship or love.

Little gestures both ways.

Also, the Modern is often satisfied over very little in terms of “emotional” care; they basically need a photo opportunity with a family member to feel validated and important enough, so for a Timeless to try to find what do they feel like “they want to take over my life” when in truth, they’re only after public recognition. “Just promise me you’ll show up to my funeral,” even though that might be genuinely too much for some the Modern to hope their children will do for them, even if the same children had been putting millions into their bank account, never showing them disrespect, but also never offering to make their mom or dad a cup of tea when they’re watching television.

To the Modern, the cup of tea means more than the millions in their bank account – and to be fair, in this the Timeless are no different. It’s just that a Timeless would appreciate a kind word more than millions in their bank account and they tend to prioritize words over deeds. If they knew, however, how easy it is to make the Modern parent or sibling feel cherished, they would have no objections to it, even if the Modern will struggle with that kind word – they believe love is a given, and niceties are somewhat… Fake, and they can’t bring themselves to say nice things if they feel they’re contrived or fake, and as they feel that way, even if they make themselves utter “I love you” because their the Timeless child pointed out you’ve never SAID you love me, they sound fake and their the Timeless child will again reject their love as it is… Fake.

the Timeless values small words, the Modern values small deeds.

Some good questions.

If you are the Timeless and arguing with the Modern:

Which one of us do you see as “the child” (the student) and which one of us is “the adult” (the teacher)? (No matter which way it actually is.)

Talk to me like I was an idiot. What emotion or practical matter do you think I am arguing about?

What do you think I am asking from you that you believe you can’t give me?

What do you think I mean when I say: “your most usual complaint.” (The likelihood they understand you correctly is 0. For instance: “you have to listen to me” to the Modern means “You have to obey me.” and “You have to respect me as an adult,” to the Modern means “you have to treat me as your leader now.”) (I know both of these examples offend you like nothing else, because you can call the Timeless anything but power-hungry, controlling, and bossy is the last of those things… But your refusal to follow orders is interpreted as a demonstration of their need to be the boss, when it’s a demonstration of not needing a (new) mom/dad.)

Do you want me to be the star of this show? Do you want to admire me? (If the answer is yes, and it is very likely, tell them what they are allowed to admire you for… You might ask, out of curiosity, what traits of yours they admire… There’s a high chance you don’t even recognize those traits to be yours.)

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