The 3 sides to experiencing true love.

There are 3 factors that go into true love; to be loved, to be lovable, and to love. If you’ve only ever been around lovable people, you have no idea what it feels like NOT to LOVE. You may even think that your ability to love the people around you is to YOUR credit, and the only thing people who are not happy are suffering from is the fear of not being loved back because that’s the experience of a person who isn’t lovable. If you’ve always been around people who love you and who you love unconditionally, you’ll think love is easy; all you need is love, love thy neighbor -because why not? Your neighbor is as amazing as your spouse, your kids, your dog, and your siblings. (Dogs are immediate family, right? lol) Everyone is awesome, and you have no idea what it is like to be around people who you simply tolerate, not love. You think it’s a flaw in a person who cannot experience love, but no. It isn’t. Not everyone is awesome, at least not awesome by your standards… And it’s good to know that. Will make you behave better.

“I love you; therefore, I get to hurt you?!”

Some people think that BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU, they get to treat you like rubbish; they’re only teaching you things, right? They’re forcing you toward the goal that you want to reach. They justify their unlovable acts with “they love you; therefore, it’s fine.” However, it isn’t, really. Acting in this way makes YOU unlovable. Thinking this way makes you unlovable, and the result of all your hard work won’t be a relief. “Oh, you love me after all, and you did this for my own good; I understand; I love you, too.”

It maybe, because when they’re acting unlovably around people who do the opposite, they get this situation: They painfully love the lovable people, but the lovable people seem to “punish them” by not loving them back. Therefore, they think that the “punishment” is intentional, and perhaps educational “tough love”… But it is not love at all, because it is IMPOSSIBLE to love people who are… Horrible or lukewarm to you, ALL THE TIME.

Once someone realizes that all they get is some form of “tough love,” they’ll show the unlovable the tough truth of walking out – and although this is not done out of LOVE, it still sums up to the same: what is fair is fair, you get what you deserve – ultimately. The universe works in a balance; all actions and inaction, all choices, all decisions… All mistakes you’ve made have consequences. Even if you made mistakes toward a person who YOU LOVE. Especially if you made those mistakes with a person you supposedly love.

Perspectives.

This following chapter is a little complicated because you’ll have to examine different perspectives and understand the way the world looks like from the other side of the equation than what you’ve used to. We all tend to project a lot, and the wiser we get, the less we learn to project – to assume other people feel the same way about us as we feel about them – but it takes time. This will likely be eye-opening to even the least prone to projecting.

No motivation to learn how to be lovable.

The thing is, if you’ve always been surrounded by lovable people who are willing to go the extra mile to make EVERYONE’S life better, their life lesson is going to be to pick and choose who they spend their energy on and NOT to treat people who they don’t love as if they did. It’s deceitful. It makes YOU lovable, and it makes people around you think that what they’re currently doing is GOOD ENOUGH. You’ve given them a reward before they’ve earned it, and that means they have NO MOTIVATION TO LEARN how to become lovable, and they’ll always avoid true love and are stuck in replacement of it; a behavior, not a feeling. (Are you following? This is a little messy.) They will never experience true love if they’re surrounded by lovable people; kind, nice, fun, humorous, and well-meaning people.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions; your intentions, their intentions; intentions that do not lead where you wish them to. Sure, you may have MEANT for the people who you don’t love but took pity on to figure this out and to move on, but if they don’t know what it’s like to be IGNORED and cast to the cold because they are NOT LOVED, they will never learn to BE LOVABLE. You’ve doomed them to not know. Your Hell has been to live with people you don’t love, their Hell is never to receive love.

White lies are not harmless; they’re extremely toxic and harmful.

Pretending to love someone, or to convince someone they will be loved despite, is not harmless, but in fact, extremely toxic. To keep saying to fat people that their weight should have NO effect on how people see them is a lie. It’s just a big FAT lie. It may have no effect on their one true love… But then… Their one true love should maybe be worth the effort anyway? However, in truth, everything is subjective. What makes a person unlovable to me doesn’t make them unlovable to everybody. But, I certainly should not pretend to be OK with it, in the fear that that makes ME unlovable to the fat person. (What if my True Emotion Mirrors got fat? You know? Unfucking likely. They’re vain as fuck. If they feel GUILTY for their vanity and allow themselves to get fat to fight their vanity, they’d be RELIEVED to hear they’ll be loved FOR their vanity, not for the lack of it.)

Once you realize the harm you do to people who you pretend to love or be FINE with something, one way or another, you’ll find that pretending to love somebody is just about the most awful thing you can do to another person. To white lie to them, you’re teaching them that they SHOULD BE loved despite this or that, and if they are NOT loved despite anything, they are being MISTREATED. When truthfully, they won’t be loved, and it’s not mistreatment. If they put in 0 effort, they GET 0 results. That’s how it is. That’s how it’s always been. And that’s how it should be. You get what you deserve, and not a damned thing but lies to replace it. It is the mistreatment of others to treat them better than they deserve to be treated.

They took physical care of you. Now, return that favor; but give no love for it – keep societies going within that paradigm – we keep each other alive and in basics, whether they work or not, whether they deserve it or not. And that’s it. The rest is up to them.

Enjoying YOUR niceness by being an asshole to you?

There are also people who attack you just to see how nice you are. How they enjoy your patience and kindness. They may test you if they can be assholes to you, and then love you for allowing it, give you credit for it, while they don’t realize THEY ARE LOSING CREDIT with that other person every time they pull an asshole move on them. These people may think that the more patient you are, the more you LOVE THEM, when, truthfully, you just don’t want to stoop to their level because, well… You like being likable, and you like to reap the benefits of being likable.

So you may take it for a while, and then, to their utter dismay, you decide to turn on them and tell them to get the heck out of your life. Go figure!

The moral of this bit is just to explain to you how someone might act unlovably to you, thinking they’re cleverly finding people who will treat THEM right… Without realizing it should be a two-way street. Maybe you’ll kick them out faster once you realize what they’re doing… As to nice people, shit like this makes absolutely NO SENSE. “I GET TO treat you like shit… You’re SO NICE.” Oh, man, who even WANTS TO treat people like shit, you may wonder… as do I. To me, all I want is people who I CAN treat nicely without it leading to ME getting fucked over. THAT would be fucking ace.

Nice people are not automatically truly lovable.

We tend to have this black-and-white way of thinking about relationships, too, particularly with the opposite gender and when we age. If you happen to be bisexual, I suppose this becomes trickier still; where do you draw the line between a lover and a friend when most of our interactions are either or by default, but you may fall in love with a co-worker and can’t love people you’ve been Tindering.

What if all you find on Tinder are potential friends? What if you don’t truly want to look for friends because that’s too much pressure to be friends with everybody you meet because there’s no limit to how many friends you can have and then you feel pressured – because everyone loves you… Or, at least pretends to.

You have to find a way to keep nice people in your life… If you have room for some while still keeping the position of your lovers free. There are plenty of people who think they should be your girlfriend or boyfriend if you have nobody – and heck, sometimes temporary lovers work, too, if you’re all polyamorous, but not if the position of a lover comes with the expectation of both permanence and fidelity.

These things must be navigated.

Force them to figure out how to be lovable.

Nice people are difficult because you don’t truly know where to put them. However, there are some nicely cut-and-dry people out there that you can simply say, “yeah, that’s it. You’ve worn out your fucking welcome.”

Once that automatic unconditional tap closes, you’ll return their favor: “OK, I learned. You taught me with TOUGH LOVE, now. Let me do the same for you with NO EMOTION. I need you to learn HOW TO BE LOVABLE and/or how to find people who could authentically, without lies, love that mess that makes for what you are. And the best way to do that is to deny you the benefits of love, so you HAVE TO LEARN. For your own damned good, I will not act as if I loved you when I do not.”

Be TRUTHFUL about your own dislikes, no matter how you have to express it. And it’s hard. I lie about it ALL THE TIME still, as I’m writing this, but I have to learn to TOLERATE being DISLIKED for NOT liking someone else the way they are. I have an obsessive habit of giving people chances EVEN AFTER I know they’re not really… Doing it for me. I have a bad habit to TRY and give people EVERYTHING or feel super guilty when I don’t want to if I just want to keep it casual and distant.

The biggest favor you can do to people: Treat them how you feel about them.

The ONLY true favor you can do to another person is to teach them who they are TO YOU. One way or another. To help people have a REALISTIC SELF-IMAGE and a realistic understanding of what they are to you. Because that is what they take to their grave and into a new life. Their idea of self, their ego, and their idea of others, their vos of everyone they know. It doesn’t matter, TRULY, where the lesson comes from, from love or hate, as long as it comes from a place of TRUTH. Parental concern is fine. Loving you because you’re mine is fine, but you know… There may be situations when even the love between family members is not enough to close the gap between the unlovable and the love.

If you want to hear someone say: “I love you. I’m in love with you,” outside your own fantasies, you’ll have to learn to BE lovable. If you don’t want to be stuck with people you don’t love, you’ll have to learn to express it somehow. You’ll have to learn to end relationships or, rather, learn to DEFINE relationships. Maybe not be so black and white about it, but to find NICE people A PLACE in your life, even if it isn’t your bed… Or the position of your best friend.

And in my time stuck with people who are very much unlovable to me, in varying degrees, I finally understand WHY I had to get to know them. So I can do what I wanted to do; heal the world. I had to understand there are some insanely clueless people around… people who have NO IDEA how to human.

Poor bastards.

Now, next phase: Some tough ignoring them and their hurt feelings… For their own damned good.

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