The Missguide’s Intention has Become Clear…

I have never really had a group of friends that I’ve felt that I’ve actually belonged in. I’ve had friends, people who I hang out with, but who I don’t really consider REAL friends. If had “best friends”, meaning the best people I’ve got on a scale out of the people who I know, without meaning that they would be my heart and my soul… Just… People who, out of the lot, are as good as I’ve found.

And this, I do not mean to say in disrespect, or at least I wish I didn’t.

Company vs. Friends

I’ve learned to simply seek company rather than friends. I’ve never met anyone who I’d TRULY want to be friends with, a woman who I’d seek to impress or to want to know how to be friends with someone like that. I’ve never felt that way about ANYONE.

I’ve never felt like I had to “socially climb” in order to make a friend, even though there are people who I’ve been a TAD too insecure to even talk to… but people who I’ve admired and left alone KNOWING I wasn’t in their group yet, and by the time I was, *they say* I was already well beyond them – and this was just a few years after I awoke to “the scene”. (I didn’t know that. 😉 ) The respect was mutual, but we were never in the same space of mind at the same time, and we all thought similarly enough to be aware of it.

I would have done well for myself learning to NOT make friends and to keep my distance from the people I wasn’t really that impressed by. To learn to stand on a school ground ALONE without feeling like a loser. You shouldn’t make friends with people who do not inspire you to want to be more like them. You should wait until you’re ready to make the friends you want, rather than the friends you can have.

What they thought

So okay… I’m a bit different to everyone I know. I am so because I want to be the way that I am. I am because I want to be more like the people who I TRULY want to be friends with. (Slightly narcissistic, a bit show-offy, way rock n’ roll, self-aware, curious, artsy, brainy… So forth and so forth.) I have no intentions acting my age…

They thought this was because I didn’t know how to impress them. They thought I was “trying too hard to impress them” when in fact, I was trying hard not to rub our differences in their faces. I am very self-satisfied, and I admit it, but I never thought they were, too. They were actually trying to make me more like them – insecure, a bit fat, a bit… Simplistic, normal middle-aged woman… Essentially everything I hate about them and want to keep away from. The only things about them that make me NOT think of them as my real friends.

(Fat, too. I want my friends to be proud of the way they look and make sure they won’t go down without a fight when a hot man approaches. 😀 I want my girlfriends to be able to hold they own, I hate having to sort of go: “oh well you go first, I’ll take the next one” like talking about the last seat on a roller coaster ride.)

I’m angry because I don’t know how, right?!

They thought I was angry with them because they weren’t telling me how to impress them. Instead, i was angry with them for not letting me be with the people I wanted to be with. Or, more to the point, the spirits, and how to FIND the spirits that I wanted. They thought, and I want to vomit when I say this, they thought I was settling to be this person because I couldn’t be like them. I mean who the fuck thinks like that??!

I am self-satisfied and narcissistic, but I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS think that someone who is angry with me is so frustrated with their inability to be like me that they are starting to act up against me. That is like THE MOST SELF-CONCEITED THING I’ve ever heard.

Those people are there as a lure…?

At the same time, the most AMAZING PEOPLE in this world were waiting for me to join them. ARE, luckily. Are still waiting, thank the fuck for my luck. Instead of realizing that my love for these people was real and also reciprocated, incredibly enough for me, they thought I was using them to impress them (the missguides). They thought that these people were doing what they are doing either for feeling sorry for me or with the intent of taking advantage of me. I DO want to vomit.

“Go away and leave us alone”

From their perspective was: “Go away, I’m not worthy, give up on me, save yourselves… Let me kill myself and my future in peace…” and their idea of a loving response was: “You can do it, we can teach you how to make us love you! We believe you have the capacity to be just like us! Trust us!”

Hahahaha.

Can you fucking believe that unshakable love of self?!

If you want us to love you, don’t be too good at what you do!

I’ve been wondering why I always felt a push to stop doing what I was doing when I got close to achieving my goals. Every time I got anywhere near breaking through a barrier, I felt a push to stop. This was because I started to get too good at what I was doing, that my dear Missguides thought I was going to make them feel incompetent in comparison. What a stupid way to create friendships! Talk about a tall poppy syndrome!

Also, I was only getting started. I’ve always felt like I can’t find a challenge big enough or a goal big enough, and they think that owning a business is too “haughty” or too successful… And I want to be a billionaire in my own right. And will be. I’ve always wanted to be an overnight success, too, so… You just wait, but… I’ve made a lot of stops while getting better and better at what I do.

This is what they allowed me to keep doing

The only thing they haven’t stopped me from doing is this. I guess the reason is that they saw no value in it, and it’s too complicated for the average person to get into anyway… And they thought this blog is for them (because I shared links on Facebook) but going nowhere to please them. They thought I was doing this to figure THEM out, rather than my men. But every time the blog was about to create traction, I was pushed to make a major change on it, driving the audience (and Google) insane.

Forced equality

Friends should be equal to each other, right? Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. As long as everyone is cool with it and free to be who they are, I think. However, they thought that since we were going to essentially marry the same men (you fucking wish!) I should lower my bar to meet theirs so I don’t stand out too much.

I have no fucking words for this.

How blatantly I have declared myself as a polyandrist, not a fucking polygamistORpolygynandrist?!

But hey, if you COULD have us, why wouldn’t you have us?

And then we have few ex-wives and current wives who still think they’re in for a chance and a few ex-wives who are as cool in my books as women come – knowing they can hang out, but not crawl into my bed!

My intention

Initially, I had no idea some of my friends and family members were thinking this way. The majority, with the exception of a few people. (The exception will be my future friends, too.) I had no thoughts regarding these people, but they interpreted my worries as whatever they did, ignoring my requests of being left to my own vices and with my people.

When things progressed, things changed. I became angrier and angrier about their blind insistence they should be included into my future life “because we’re friends”, and I realized I needed to cut them out NOW rather than after I get where I’m going.

I was always forthright about it

I never gave them any reason to think I was grooming them for a position in my future life. However, they wanted to interpret it all as if I was. I did my best to be forthright and honest with them, but what they thought I was doing was an inability to understand them and their needs.

I tried to find them opportunities to grab and run with. I tried to give them a slice of the pie, not realizing they wanted the whole pie with me. I wanted to offer them a chance to create THEIR OWN happiness, because, clearly, I had found mine and I wanted them to find theirs like I had.

Eventually, I was trying to buy my freedom from them: “If I give you this (once I get there) will you leave us alone?” All I wanted was for them to leave us in peace. They wouldn’t have it. Not good enough. Only being a part of my intimate life was good enough, but that position was never open and will never be open for them (or anyone else I’ve heard of or sensed so far.)

“This is MY bedroom. MY relationship. This is MY life.”

They refused to see what WE ALL saw. This was OUR thing, OUR relationship, OUR future plans. This was OUR bedroom, OUR dream, WE wanted this FOR OURSELVES. It was as ludicrous as someone deciding to get married, and their friend takes it for granted the marriage is polygamousORpolygynandrous and they will also be getting married to them. Just as bad. If a couple is getting monogamously married and their friends think it’s going to be polygamousORpolygynandrous, is just as bad as us forming a polyandrous relationship and my friends assuming they are going to get married to the same men, too.

The men? They never once said they wanted other women into our relationship, but were ADAMANT one is plenty!

I will have to wash off this dirt

I feel like I’ve been wrestling pigs in a sty on my wedding day. 😀 Even though my guys can see me filthy, they love me but are rather embarrassed by me that I would choose to wrestle these pigs on THIS DAY of all days. 😀 No the analogy isn’t quite clear, but…

I am a  lady. Ladies do not say things like what I’ve said to these women. Ladies and gentlemen do not say things we’ve been forced to say out loud – me especially. I need to regain my composure and dignity, and learn to handle myself again and relearn my manners.

To become better than what I was before

I’ve learned a lot from this, but it is not directly applicable to my former values… I will have to restitch this whole thing that is me back together again to make myself presentable – and better than what I was before this happened. I did this for self-improvement, but I wound up destroying myself a bit, breaking my form. I don’t know if it had been possible to clear this without doing so.

Maybe there was, but the lessons learned were not from my people but the others… Who do not play by the rules of the gentlefolk. This is the price of an equal society that we fought for.

The irony.

 

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